50 Billion Planets and I Can’t Find My Telescope


The Daily Mail Online is a UK newspaper, and I love the way they say things:  Like today for instance.  There was a story about how Gwyneth Paltrow (in whom the UK is extremely interested) looks so slender and fit in her bikini, that she is the reason females all over the world are “weeping into their Snack a Jacks.” 

And did you know people in the UK don’t thumb through the paper; they “flick” through it? In the UK, a saggy butt is a “squishy bum” and English people never come over, they “pop over” instead.  But we would expect no less from the nation who brought us nursery rhymes.  Which is why I get all my news now from the Daily Mail Online.

Today I read in the DM’s Science and Technology Section that scientists have estimated the number of planets in the Milky Way to be 50 billion. The jury is still out on how many in Snickers. (I’ve decided to finally use that Make a Lame Joke Get Out of Jail Free card I’ve been carrying around for years.)

Anyway, at the risk of coming off as flippant, I must respond to this 50 billion planet revelation with a resounding duh.

Heelllooo!  Internet to Scientists!  Have you not noticed there is a little thing out there that Al Gore invented called the internet?  Do you not know that there are 50 billion websites dedicated to nothing but UFO’s, aliens and all things outer space-ishly freakish? 

Perhaps I should type the rest of this post in baby talk for “certain people in our society who don’t get all their science information from UFO websites” but I’ll give them the benefit of the goo goo da da doubt.

First of all, anybody worth their weight in bandwidth knows that the queen of England is a Reptilian. 

As proof, here she is resisting the urge to lap up a fly with her tongue

You see, my dear Scientific Community, Reptilians are blood-drinking, shape-shifting reptilian humanoids from Alpha Draconic star system now hiding in underground bases in Hollow Earth and are doing mean things to people. 

Obviously you woefully uninformed scientists need to read the writing on the crop circles.

Why do you men and women of science insist on always figuring out things the hard way?  You know, like reading things and writing things down, and crunching numbers and fooling around with test tubes and looking through telescopes and whatnot.

As the crop circle suggests get with it Dawgs!  By the time you figure something out you’ll be dead.  Skip to the chase Dawgs and Dawgettes, get to the bottom line, or, as you UK scientists are fond of saying, the squishy bum!  We haven’t got time as The Race of Numbered Days to be monkeying around trying to figure things out the slow way.  Let’s just go with the hearsay and be done with it.

Which means that everything we thought was true is false and everything we thought was false is true.  Stay with me here because I’m getting confused and I’m hoping you’ll be able to explain it to me later.

So let’s recap.  The earth is a hollow ball located in the cosmos of Milky Way galaxy which may or may not be filled with a creamy nugget center but, either way, has reptile people writhing around inside of it taking turns pretending to be the queen of England. Oh, and there’s 50 billion more where that came from!

It’s enough to make you weep into your Snack a Jacks!

Until next time . . . I love you

19 thoughts on “50 Billion Planets and I Can’t Find My Telescope

  1. I really enjoyed this post. Almost as much as I enjoy my snack-a-jack and Gweneth Paltrow. I think English like her because she’s really good at doing a fake English accent.

    A very very VERY very funny post. Very!

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