I don’t mean to brag, but I have been using “the facilities” on my own now for over fifty years, and I know, firsthand, some crazy things that got flushed that hadn’t oughta.
Once, when I was four, my mother bought a batch of the most beautiful red apples you ever saw and displayed them on the table. I asked for one, and my mother gave it to me.
I was an apple lover from the get go!
I took one bite and spit it out.
That’s because this apple was a deceitful type of apple, the kind that looks like it’s going to be delicious but, instead, tastes like dry, sandy-mush.
A couple of days later, I must have forgotten how horrible the apple tasted because I asked my mother for another one. And she agreed, but only if I promised I wouldn’t take just one bite and spit it out. Who me? Heavens no! Mother! Please! Dont be ridiculous! She handed me an apple.
I took one bite and spit it out.
Even Eve didn't have so much trouble with an apple.
Later in the week, I happened to walk by the beautiful red apples that were still sitting on the table (now we know why) and asked for another one. My mother wisely said no because there wasn’t any questions in her mind, by now, what I was going to do.
Well for some reason, I was set on it. I began begging dramatically. ”Please Mother! Please! I won’t spit it out! For the love of God, I beg of you! I must have an apple if I am ever going to thrive!”
My mother acquiesced, handed me yet another apple along with a stern warning that she better not find this one in the garbage with one bite out of it; then left.
I took one bite and spit it out.
Ok, now I had a big problem on my hands. Where to dispose of a big, beautiful red, sandy-mushy apple with one bite out of it. I had to think, think! And quickly before my mother discovered the truth!
I made an emergency executive decision to flush it. So I went into the bathroom, looked both ways, threw the apple with one bite out of it into the toilet and pushed down the handle.
I was amazed when it actually went down! Fabulous! I dusted off my four-year-old hands and resumed playing.
Later that day I happened to walk by the bathroom just as my father was lifting the entire toilet, itself, off the floor. I was flabbergasted! I had no idea it would “do that!”
I still hadn’t put two and two together until I saw him reach his hand down the pipe and pull out a big beautiful red apple with one bite out of it.
Uh oh . . .
Shame quickly set it. I couldn’t have felt worse if I would have gunned down Santa. But that’s another story for another day.
Suffice it to say, I’ve been privy to lots of things that got flushed that hadn’t outta — but it all started with that beautiful red apple with one bit out of it.
Until next time . . . I love you
As a guy, there have been things I have put in the crapper, that I just stared at and said” I made that!”
HA! It’s times like that when you have to have a deep respect for the guy who invented the plunger!
Reblogged this on theconservativehillbilly and commented:
As a guy, there have been things I have put in the crapper, that I just stared at and said” I made that!”
A reblog? Yes!! I will take one bite out of an apple today in your honor,John!
And a beer? LOL!
Ha ha! Fo Shizzle! You can’t eat a bite of an apple without beer! But you already knew that I’ll bet!
!
Linda – you describe a “Red Delicious” apple so perfectly. They are so NOT delicious – and they DO taste like sandy mush. Blech! I do hope this topic becomes a regular series on your blog!
You know what? That’s a really good idea Erin. I could have guest bloggers tell their stories! And actualy in Washington state where I grew up we had access to fresh red Delicious Apples grown locally and when they are fresh there’s no better tasting apple! When they get old, well. . . . see above
LOL!!! What a terrific story well told.
Thanks Sillyliss so glad you enjoyed it!
Such a cute story. The only tale of this nature that I’ll tell involves a dead goldfish that wasn’t all that dead after all. And a cat. I’m told that, as a toddler, I tried to flush a cat. (I still require a great deal of adult supervision … thank you very much.)
Hahahaha! Now that’s a thought provoking story! You will have to regale us with an Ovation about that one! LOL I can only imagine . . . HA!
As I read this I was eating a crispy red apple. Luckily it was good enough to take multiple bites and will not be flushed down the toilet until much later if ya know what I mean.
For your next blog I say stick with the topic of toilets and tell everyone about your name carving incident.
If ya know what I mean . . . I feel like I’m watchig Whose Line! Haha! And you’re right I should write about the name carving incident. I’ll definitely do more posts about this. Now, I wish you kids would have flushed more stuff down the toilet. You only flushed your underpants once when you were about 2 and 1/2.
That is HILARIOUS!!!! I have to admit that I laughed out loud, an then thought back to those humiliating days of watching my own father pump out the septic system because I’d flushed (gasp!) maxi pads down the toilet. Yup…maxi pads. And my dad couldn’t do this job by himself…he had to do it with my older brothers and their oh-so-hot buddies! The whole world knew I was flushing maxi pads down the toilet!
Thanks for the humiliating reminder. I’m glad to be able to laugh once again at the odd things that go down the toilet! LOL!
Oh my god, that is definitely worse and with a septic system no less and your dad and your brothers had to help. I turning red just thinking about it! LOL! You have to write about that Cathe! Hahahaha!
Oh lord! Which time should I write about? The first or the fifteenth? You’d think I’d have learned my lesson after the first time!
Hahahaha LOL! Cathie! You did it more than once!!! Thanks for starting my day off with a laugh! You are so funny!!!
You wouldn’t BELIEVE the stupid things I’ve done more than once! I could dedicate an entire book to “Stupid Cathie Tricks.” No joke.
Well see, subconsciously you were gathering writing material. So I would have to say you are stupid in a very smart way! HA!
Hahaha! Love it!
A lovely, elegant tale of a quite delicate subject, handled with admirable aplomb. Lucky for me, it was never an issue at our house; as middle child, in an Army family, toilet indiscretions were included in a very large list of Things That One Just Doesn’t Do In This Family, Unless One Wishes To Go Without Dessert Forever…..easy decision for anyone under 10….
Thank you Ned! I love it when I can do something aplombly! Oh yeah and in an army family like yours I bet there were no shenanigans without strict penalties. Good thing I didn’t grow up in your family, I wouldn’t have any idea what dessert tastes like! Ha!
Linda… just realized… if you haven’t ever seen or heard of this, I’m sure you will enjoy it…. check out http://bathroomreader.com/ It’s your cup of tea…. I own a number of these, and keep them handy, so to speak….
Oh, it wasn’t as bad as all that; my dad was Army, but my mom was so NOT Army, it all balanced out….. we had to toe the line, yes, but as a middle child, I learned very young how to balance one side against the other, to my benefit…. as you might guess, I never suffered much from Lack O’Dessert syndrome….
Haha! Well, I’ve seen that book around. I’ll have to keep my eye open for it at . . .wati for it . . . the thrift store! I was a middle kid too so I know what you’re saying. Now I’m hungry for dessert. I think I’ll skip dinner tonite and just go for the sweets!! “P
I wonder how your parents didn’t recognize the signs of the woman you’d eventually become!
Great story, Linda!
I must admit, I was always doing something to get myself into trouble. So glad you liked it Elnest Guapingway!
That’s the main reason to NOT buy an environmentally correct toilet with limited water flow with each flush. How can anyone safely try to escape recognition by flushing something in a slow-flow toilet?
Ronnie
Oh my gosh yes, Ronnie! That sounds like a nightmare scenario waiting to happen, doesn’t it? YIKES!
My son flushed the bathtub stopper down the toilet.
Whoops! And I bet it did exactly what it was supposed to do! HA! Bless his little heart!
Hi,
I am still laughing, a great post.
At least you learned early in life that yes toilets do block up.
So glad you enjoyed it Mags. And yes, I certainly got that lesson out of the way at an early age!
pretty smart 4 year old girl to have thought she won’t be caught eh?
hehehhe… very funny
Haha! Yes, Dolly, I gotta say I really thought it would work!
Clearly, from a young age, you were zany to the, uh, core…
Now we know why you’re so good at dishin’ out ye olde applesauce!
(But it sure goes down easy– unlike your apple… : )