I think this might be a good time to confess that it isn’t all fun and games over here on Linda Vernon Humor. No indeed not. There’s a darkside that sometimes has to rear its ugly head.
And for that, I would like to extend my gratitude to my wonderful Cyber Daughter Lizzie Cracked But Not Broken over at Runningnakedwithscissors for coming up with the perfect name for my mean streak:
Roast in a Nutshell . . . The Darker Side of Peanuts!
Today’s Darkside Topic is:
Things Darkside Peanuts Should Be Allowed To Do Without Any Consequences
Darkside Peanuts should be allowed to bring a yappy dog to the grocery store to bite at the heels of people who are blocking the isles Peanuts needs to go down.
Darkside Peanuts should be allowed to make a citizen’s arrest on fast food clerks who fill sodas so full they spill all over the place when the straw is inserted.
Darkside Peanuts should be allowed to give wedgies to people who pretend they don’t see Peanuts and cut in front of Peanuts in line.
Darkside Peanuts should be allowed to yank the trendy ponytails of superior acting girls who work at Starbucks for any reason whatsoever.
Darkside Peanuts should be allowed to put a flaming bag of poo on the doorstep of dismissive customer service representatives.
Darkside Peanuts should be allowed to put duct tape over the mouths of self-involved people who don’t seem to understand the phrase “Hi, how are you?” is rhetorical.
Darkside Peanuts should be allowed to grab the face of people who look around the room while Peanuts is talking and point it back at Peanuts.
Darkside Peanuts should be allowed to thumb Peanut’s nose at snooty clerks that don’t bother to ask Peanuts if Peanuts needs help when Peanuts is looking around swanky, expensive home décor stores even though they were right to assume Peanuts doesn’t need any help.
Darkside Peanuts should be allowed to slap the face of Sean Penn for any reason whatsoever.
Darkside Peanuts should be allowed to hang up on people who call Peanuts and talk to Peanuts about themselves for 45 minutes but when Peanuts starts talking they have to go.
Darkside Peanuts should be allowed to pinch fakey people who Peanuts has only known for five minutes but insist on getting a hug from Peanuts before they go.
And finally,
Darkside Peanuts should be allowed to punch people who are out walking their dog and answer in the voice of their dog when Peanuts asks them a question about their dog.
Phew! Ah! Peanuts feels much better now that Peanuts has gotten that off Peanut’s shell!
Until next time . . . I love you
I’m a dark peanut! take me somewhere! anywhere just not here!
Ha ha! Quickly! Let’s hop into a bag of plain M&Ms and mess with their minds!
muahahaha! I shall make them all think they are beans!!
Yes! Perfect! I can’t wait to see the looks on their faces muahahahaha!
They decided to do the mexican hat dance…sigh
Hahahahaha! Well don’t be downhearted, Andy, there’s always tomorrow!
I would have that one of these scenarios would have involved Darkside Peanuts whacking somebody over the head with a Pottery Barn catalog.
Ha ha Rob thank you for that! That’s going in the file for the future adventures of Darkside Peanuts!
Hahahahahahahaha!!!!!!! Oh my gosh, this is too funny! Is it wrong of me to LOVE Darkside Peanuts with every fiber of my being?
Ha ha! Lisa! It turns out I do too!
Hi,
Darkside Peanuts is very wise indeed, and I can relate to some of these frustrating scenarios.
Well, I have to admit, I found writing it to be pretty therapeutic!
I love the dark side of peanuts and agree with it on every point! Especially on the Starbucks employees who over correct you (with disdain and condescension) for ordering a “small” coffee. I don’t know about peanuts but I purposely order a SMALL just to see the reaction. It’s like psychology experiment!
oh you’re good!
Thank you daughter dear! I couldn’t have done it without you!
Next time you come to visit we’ll go to Starbucks and order things by the wrong names! What fun we will have!
LOL… Darkside Peanuts needs to learn to not hold things in so much, doesn’t she? And she obviously has been allowing far too much slack in her life for the stupidity of others, especially those pesky clerks who really believe they don’t deserve to die screaming…. but, maybe that’s just me…. sounds like she’s got a handle on it now, anyway…. enjoy! And when you get around to Sean Penn, you can borrow my lead-lined glove to slap him with…..
Haha! I will definitely give Sean a good slapping for you! And Darkside Peanuts feels much better now.
O.K.,,now tell me how you REALLY feel.
I will have to keep my giant squirrel “jelly” away from you…there could be
real trouble should the two of you meet.
Haha! That’s probably a pretty prudent course of action Zannyro!
“Darkside Peanuts should be allowed to slap the face of Sean Penn for any reason whatsoever.” If we can add Nick Cage to that list, I’m in! I think Peanuts (and Darkside Peanuts) is my favorite ‘character’ you write about.
So glad you enjoyed it Erin and I concur that Nick Cage has to get in on some of the slapping! Definitely!!
Yes, yes and definitely yes. I give Darkside Peanuts permission to do all of the above. The only flaw I see in any of this is the grocery store issue. I think the message would be more clearly delivered by not bringing yappy dog but instead using an electric cattle prod.
Hahaha! Spoken like a true Cowgirl, Cowgirliz!
I am still laughing!!! Love it!!!!
So glad! Thanks Jody!
Mooommmmm!!!! I LOVE it!!!! OMG it worked perfectly I am so glad you liked it and ohhhhhh I am glad I am not on Darkside Peanuts radar..pretty dark ..but didnt that feel GOOD? I may have to have Darkside Peanuts fill in for My Mean Streak one day – hell they should get together and wreck havoc…. LOVE IT ….YAY!!!!! NESS!!!!!
Hahaha! So glad you love it favorite daughter of mine of the entire internet! And yes indeed it certainly did feel good! And Darkside Peanuts would love to wreak havoc with your mean streak one day! We could wreak the havoc to new heights! HA!
If you and Lizzie wreak all that havoc, will there be enough left over for Ginger and Lizzie to have some targets left when they send out their royal assassins? Just wondering… and don’t slap me! Please….
Good question Ned. All I know is Lizzie has her hands full with six kids, me,her cyber mom, AND Ginger! Sheesh! I don’t know how she does it!
I hear that! These days, it’s all I can do to deal with myself and the few hallucinations that keep me company most of the time….
Well at least you’re never lonely.
True… of course, then there is the other side of that coin, and that is the lack of any real privacy… there’s always somebody snickering in the background….
Darkside of Peanuts should be allowed to recruit others in the organization.
Oh Great idea Addie! (rubbing hands together bwahahaha)
Loved it…I’ve wanted to do almost 100% of things that you mentioned…Sean Penn..nah not so much..Good laugh!!! Diane
Thanks Diane! Well it’s nice to see there’s someone in this world who doesn’t want to slap Sean Penn!
Sean Penn??? probably don’t want to slap him because I don’t know about him ,,only know of him…..if you think he deserves a slap he probably does lol Diane
Haha! Just read your comment to my husband and you made him laugh!
Love this so much I posted it to Facebook!! Agree with them all!!
Thank you so much itpen! You made my day!
I think when Peanuts is feeling dark, she should wrap herself up in a nice cozy blanket of caramel and chocolate.
Then whenever someone/thing upsets her, she should dismiss them with disdainful snickers.
Good idea. A disdainful Snickers is the Milky Way out of any situation. (If there’s milk involved — and for the purposes of this comment, let’s just say there is.)
I was going to give everyone May baskets again this year, but now I’ll be giving them flaming bags of poo. DS Peanuts has slapped the scales from my eyes… : )
Haha Mark! Darkside Peanuts loves that idea! Darkside Peanuts is stealing that idea! Darkside Peanuts didn’t mean to slap you. (much).
Cute blog
Thanks jennysserend! Thank you so much for taking the time to stop by!