The Mysteries of Existence Explained


Welcome Dear Readers to Lazy Friday Blog Day where I go to all the trouble of finding something I’ve already written, shaking the cobwebs off it, airing it out a bit and then giving it a quick once over with the iron.  Anyway here it is:

The Mysteries of Existence Explained

Good News!  I finally found a hobby!   It’s thinking up theories that would explain the mystery of existence. It’s fun.  Here’s what I’ve got so far:

The Advanced Form of Donkey Kong Theory of Existence

Could it be that we don’t really exist in this world at all?  Maybe we are actually in some cosmic Pizza Parlor playing a video game that seems like real life only when we die; it just means our pizza is ready?

There is a lot of evidence supporting this particular take on the nature of reality in that when your pizza is ready they “call your number”.   And we sometimes refer to someone’s dying as “their number being up.”  It seems plausible to a science  hobbiest such as myself,  that life might be just an advanced form of Donkey Kong you are playing until your pizza’s ready.

The “I Say Congealed You Say Cajoled” Theory of the existence

This one goes like this. Life is merely a humongous glob of uncongealed matter put here to cajole us into thinking that matter matters.

The Great Uncongealed

This conglomeration of The Great Uncongealed is designed to keep us so busy we won’t even notice that we don’t know who we are — what we are — where we came from — where we are going – or what we’re supposed to be doing. If true, it seems to be working pretty good so far.

The Life is Simply a Figment of One’s Imagination Theory of Existence

This is the theory where upon  everything exists because and only because you “think” it exists.  It goes something like this:

You’re brain concentrates only on the things you want to have in your life.  It does this by directing a beam of energy out of your eyes and into, say, your living room, where whatever it is you just thought about is materialized just seconds before you sit down in that chair that was there seconds earlier but isn’t there anymore. (The Universe thinks this is hilarious, by the way, so just pretend you don’t notice or you will only encourage it.)

I know it’s a little confusing.  Perhaps if I tried explaining it in a different way . . .

Let’s say you are out in the forest when a tree suddenly falls just as you are entering the cottage of the three bears.  And as far as you know, there is nobody else in the forest.  Well, except maybe for Goldilocks but just for the sake of argument, let’s pretend she’s deaf. Isn’t this fun?

Did  the tree make any noise when it fell?  If you answered no, did it ever occur to you that you might have been slurping your porridge so loudly you couldn’t have heard a nuclear explosion?

My point is – and I assure you I have one . . . I think . . . well, now you’ve got me so upset about poor little deaf Goldilocks, I forgot what my point was . . . I hope you’re happy.

“Say what?”

Until next time . . . I love you

16 thoughts on “The Mysteries of Existence Explained

  1. I’m positive this is what occurred in my philosophy class in college. Next Mysteries of Existence post:

    Question: “Why?”
    Answer: “Why not?”

    Damn you, philosophy! You get me every time!!!

    • Thanks Pink! Yes life certainly does feed us some interesting toppings! So glad you enjoyed the doodles. My family has gotten some pretty good laughs over them through the years so I figured I’d turn a negative into a positive! :)

  2. This is SO creative, Linda. I love it! I think I could get really excited about “crossing over,” you know, to the “other side” if I knew there was a delicious pizza waiting for me. Should anything happen to me, of course notify AARP and then, I want you to conjure up an image of me eating a slice of pizza at that Italian restaurant in the sky. No tears, just extra cheese! hahaha!

    Did you ever see that Albert Brooks movie, “Defending your Life?” Hysterical. You’d love it.

    • Hahahaha! Don’t worry the AARP will be the first to know! Yes wouldn’t that be something if we were all just having pizza! Talk about a surprise ending! The pizza would make us all feel OK about everything even if our experience wasn’t all that great — especially if it had extra cheese!

      Yes I have seen that Albert Brooks movie. That and Mother are my two favorite movies of his. We quote lines from Mother quite a bit around here. Have you seen Mother? You’d love it! I haven’t seen Defending Your Life in awhile though, I’ll have to watch it again.

      • I remember she gave him orange sherbet and he said, “it tastes like an orange foot!” Haha! I love Albert Brooks. I’m going to watch that again. We also quote from “Lost in America.” There’s something about his neurotic little face that cracks me up.

        • Haha! Tastes like an orange foot! We say that too and also Lettuce doesn’t get old and That’s the protective ice. Actually I’ve only seen Lost in America once I think. I completely forgot about that movie. I’m going to have to make it an Albert Brooks marathon weekend I think! :)

  3. Good stuff…. you do have some odd times in your head, don’t you? I’ll bet it’s fun to watch…. oh, BTW your last theory, The LISAFOOI Theory actually IS a real philosophy, with a name and all… it’s called solipsism… definition: Solipsism states that the universe is a figment of our imagination, and only exists because we wish it to, even other people…. pretty scary, huh? You thought up a real one…. :-)

    • Say what? You mean I accidentally stumbled onto an actual theory? And does theirs involve a Deaf Goldielocks? Something is telling me no. I think I may have to look up this Solipsism business — and make sure they aren’t ripping me off — Ha ha! :D

  4. OK, your prose was devastatingly funny, as usual– we all take that for granted– you know, like spaghetti and congealed hair gel.

    But the art–! The art lifts this post into a higher dimension!! I have never seen The Universe represented as a cartoon character– this is One Step Beyond Genius!!– no make that 6 Giant Steps and 13 baby steps beyond genius!!

    And seeing a Tootsie Roll Pop (hey, it sure looked like just a big plain ol’ tootsie roll to me, but who’s gonna eat it, anyway?), Charles Nelson Reilly, and Corn On The Cob as sequential building blocks of life– well, it’s gonna take me at least 6 months to recover from that particular theory!!

    Pure genius!– please give Peanuts a pat on his seriously deranged grey cells for me!!

    • Mark! Your will never know how long Peanuts and I have waited for validation of our “Art” by a profesional artist such as yourself! It’s been a long, lonely struggle all these years, agonizing over Tootsie Roll (Pops?) and trying to capture Charles Nelson Riley’s enigmatic smile. But tell you something you don’t know, right? I am writing this with tears streaming down my cheeks I am so overcome with rapture. I can only hope that your glowing critique means that perhaps someday, if I continue to give it my all, art-wise, that I can drop the labeling and people will be able to recognize a “stick” or a “piece of corn on the cob” simply because that’s what it looks like. Thank you Mark, you have given me a reason to keep on truckin’!

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