It’s rerun Friday again already! Which means it’s time to thrash around in the old post archive and pull out something from the bottom of the pile, dust it off, smooth it out and plaster it upon this screen. And so here it is:
Don’t Thank Me, Thank My Noble Metabolism
It’s Official! My Metabolism Has Finally Reached Zilch
My metabolism has slowed down so much lately that not only will I gain weight if I even look at a piece of cheesecake — so will the person standing next to me.
Metabolism Heaven
Some people complain of a sluggish metabolism. If I could get my metabolism up to sluggish, well . . . I’d be in metabolism heaven, that’s all.
I’ve Got a Metabolism That Punches Out at Noon
Now that I’m 59, I get the feeling my metabolism goes home early everyday. I think it’s getting bored with its job. And who could blame it, really. Talk about a backlog of work! Poor Dear.
I would imagine the piles of cheesecake in its In-Basket alone is enough to make even the most dedicated of metabolisms want to call in sick.
What’s a Food Consumer to Do?
Still, even though my heart goes out to my metabolism, it would be nice if it could step up the pace just a little. I’m doing my part by carefully monitoring what I eat. I read all the food labels and whatnot; but it isn’t easy finding a food whose first ingredient is air.
My Life as an Air Fern
I think Mother Nature rigged so it so that 59-old-women can live indefinitely on air to keep mankind from going extinct.
My Metabolism Theory
As far as I can tell, Our Family of Humans evolved so that Grandma could keep the cave clean, do all the cooking plus watch the grandkids without having to eat any actual food — which meant Yippee!! Extra helpings of Kentucky-Fried Mammoth for everyone! (Except you know who.)
Me and My Metabolism, Where Would Mankind Be Without Us?
So I suppose one could say, the more sluggish my metabolism, the more I am actually contributing to the survival of the human race. Each and every time I manage to push away a piece of cheesecake without eating it, I am sacrificing that piece of cheesecake for the global good of my fellow Homo sapiens — because now there is just that much more cheesecake for them to eat.
Thus ensuring the survival of our species.
Who knew something operating at zilch could be so noble?
Until next time . . . I love you
I think I gained weight just reading this post! But I lost it by laughing while reading it so as of now my fat to sugar to fat ratio is only up about 1.4
Haha! I love the sugar to fat ratio! If there isn’t such a thing there should be one now. It does sound right doesn’t it! Either way glad you ended up with a l.4!
I fired my metabolism, but, it called the Union (run by the Thyroid–that bitch) and I was forced to take it back. SO, for a brief moment in time (roughly April 3-18, 2008) I was a size 8 and had the ass of a 17 year old cheerleader.
After the meeting, I was forced to take back the failed metabolism AND return the ass, taking back the one that slaps the back of my knees on occasion.
*sigh*
LOL! Well, now wait a minute . . . maybe you should hire a lawyer because slapping the back of your knees could be workplace bullying. I suggest you retaliate by slapping a lawsuit on that untrustworthy Thyroid. Either that or start thinking up so new cheerleading routines that incorporate the knee slapping.
I’m having a good laugh! Would you draw such a conclusion from yourself alone? Are other grandmas experiencing the same? I’m just wondering what practical approach I can resort to in order to keep your metabolism awake round the clock.
Oh gosh I wish I knew the answer to that question! The only thing that comes to mind off the top of my head is electro shock therapy– but that’s just a wild guess! And I’m almost desperate enough to try it! Lol !
Nice one! There wouldn’t be an award for answering the question right so please rather than expose your self to the electro-shock therapy, just be yourself and keep loading us with doses of laughter and laughter triggers. I’m so loving this!
Oh thank you teeceecounsel! You made my day!
The pleasure is mine. Enjoy!
hahahaha this was perfect for today – I think I have hit that wall… I was thinking it was Karma getting me back for bragging about my ass at 40 but it has gotten to be a little more serious than that… now strangely, I feel better.. OMG I just gained three lbs writing this comment… it’s the cheesecake thoughts I KNOW IT!
I gained three pounds reading your comment!! Help! The pounds are invading!!!
LOVE this post. It got me cracking through my misery of today, and just die laughing, while gaining a few pounds in thinking about the cheesecake. Mmm.. cheesecake… LOVE your writing. It’s such witty, pretty, humor. LOVE. And love you too! It warms me to read that. Yes, yes, I know it’s not directed to just me. But still! We need more wuv in the world.
Pink.
Pink! What a sweet comment. Yes we certainly do need more love in the world and you are helping to spread that “wuv” with your therapeutic kitty blog! Both me and my metabolism are so glad you enjoyed todays post!
YAY
If I could only remember what metabolism is…..it’s another one of my mechanisms that doesn’t work like it’s supposed to anymore…kinda like my ‘little gray cells’….Diane
Isn’t it the truth Diane! Haha! We may not have a metabolism anymore, but at least we are too forgetful to know it! Or something like that! HA!
Fortunately, I will be able to use my new paranoia to lose pounds by worrying about where Ghost Cat is. He has escape form the backgrounds of the drawing pad!!!
BEWARE GHOST CAT!!!
(even though it’s probably because these drawings predate the ghost cat pad)
(but still)
(better than exercising!)
Ok, now I’m worried! Ghost kitty is missing. I’m trying to think if Ghost Kitty was up to date on rabies shots. I doubt it. (I’m trying to get myself paranoid enough to lose three pounds.)
Hi,
It’s a good thing I don’t eat cheesecake, or I to would of been in trouble reading your post.
A great read, for this rainy Saturday morning in my part of the world.
Oh sorry to hear it’s raining over there. Is it fall there now? I don’t know if I could ever get used to living in the Southern Hemisphere!
It must be very hard for woman at a certain age.
This was a highly entertaining post!
Food without air made me think of some people I heard about a few years ago. They were die hard hippies living in a school bus out in the woods who decided that regular cleansing was not enough and went on the air diet so as to keep from ingesting things which might harm their bodies…..
Anyway, I have no idea what your body prefers… but in all seriousness have you considered a raw foods cleanse? They can be highly beneficial for not only ridding your body of ick but also giving your metabolism a jump start.
Anyway, thanks for inspiring a smile on my face.
I hope you have a great day,
Currie
Haha! That is so funny about the die hard hippies! HA! You know what, I think your raw food cleanse is a great idea. I’m going to do that — I know I could do it for one day at least. And wouldn’t that be wonderful if it did jumpstart my metabolism. Thanks for the idea, CurrieRose (what a cute name!) and thanks for stopping by!
“Now that I’m 59, I get the feeling my metabolism goes home early everyday.” Laughing. It must be nice, mine never gets out of bed, or when it does, it’s tired. My treadmill had a layer of dust you can write your name in! Not pretty.
Some of your best illustrations ever!!– and the guy down at the Cro-Magnon Museum who studies cave paintings agrees with me!! Your Metabolism may be on life-support, but yer Mojo sure is workin’– well done, you dear old fossil, you! : )