Dear Readers! The new Pottery Barn Catalog just arrived and not a moment too soon! For you see, in this issue of The Catalog, Pottery Barn finally provides solutions to how we, as boring, ordinary citizens, can become more intriguing!
“Your Home Tells the Intriguing Story of who you are, where you’ve been and what inspires you most.” — Pottery Barn Catalog August 2012
What Pottery Barn means by this is that your home WILL tell an intriguing story of how intriguing you are IF you purchase fake-intriguing-story-about-you decor from Pottery Barn.
Frankly, PB suspects you’re not all that intriguing which is why Pottery Barn has taken the liberty of punching up your life through the use of decor that implies you are all that and a bag of potato chips. Let’s look as some examples, shall we?
The intriguing story this Pottery Barn wall decor says about you is:
You don’t quite understand about the alphabet.
Oh sure we all learned our ABC’s . . . except for you. Why? Because you were too busy helping Grams hunt for truffles at Martha’s Vineyard and, therefore, never attended school with all the other “saps” which means you can’t read or write. So now you obsessively nail gigantic wooden letters to your walls. So what? That’s not weird, it’s intriguing!
The intriguing story this Pottery Barn vignette says about you is:
You’re favorite snack is honey and shredded Parmesan cheese.
Ah! Nothing quenches the thirst and eases the hunger pangs quite like a refreshing jar of honey and a big ol’ heaping bowl of shredded Parmesan cheese after a long day of helping Grams frantically dig for truffles at Martha’s Vineyard in the backyard estates of the rich and famous before they come home.
You and Grams prefer a snack that sticks to your ribs, your fingers as well as your Pottery Barn Vintage Printer’s Customizable Cabinet! Oh sure, let people roll their eyes at how messy you are! That’s the difference between them and you. They’re stupid, and YOU’RE INTRIGUING!
The intriguing story this Pottery Barn Blackboard says about you is:
Your grandmother is a drug dealer.
If you look closely at this blackboard, you will see that somebody has written “EMPTY Da Da Da Da.” and “Do EMPTY 4″
And you know you didn’t write it because you are too intriguing to know how to read and write. Could it have been Grams?
Wait a minute why are the police leading Grams out to that police car?
What? All those truffles Grams was digging up (and sampling) turned out to be hallucinogenic mushrooms which she apparently was selling to earn money to purchase intriguing-story-about-you decor from Pottery Barn?
Ha ha! That Grams! While most grandmothers are sitting at home in their rocker knitting sweaters, reading Reader’s Digest and clipping coupons, YOUR Grams is trading cigarettes, working out and filing appeals!
And if that doesn’t make YOU intriguing, Pottery Barn doesn’t know what does!
Until next time . . . I love you