Vernon and Vernon, Professional Team Toasting


I have a confession to make. It concerns our toaster.

You see, 37 and I have been using a toaster whose slots are too short for the bread we like for over a year now, but we were too lazy to go buy another one.

In one of life’s little ironic twists, it was the toaster, itself, that finally stepped up to the plate and motivated us to buy a new one by conking out.  An act which gave me a lot more respect for this little toaster as I was chucking it into the dumpster.

I suppose if we would just eat traditional-sized, Wonder Bread, our toaster would have suited us just fine, but as aging baby boomers, we like to think that by eating 732-grain bread, that is too big for a standard-sized toaster — we might live well into our 90’s or beyond!

Anyway, on Saturday, 37 and I found ourselves in the neighborhood of Fry’s Home Electronics, a store that I am not a fan of but for some strange reason (I suspect witchcraft), 37 and I always end up buying stuff at.

So we figured it was as good a time as any to buy a toaster and soon found ourselves in the dimly-lit isles of the Fry’s appliance netherworld looking at toasters.

Soon a young clerk approached us whose age was somewhere between puberty and a legal drinker.

“May I help you?”  he asked cheerfully enough, but I detected that trademark Fry’s Home Electronics Clerk Pity for an old couple, such as ourselves, who are no doubt seen as electronically retarded.

After we assured our clerk, Little Boy Blue, that we were just going to pick out a toaster, and we didn’t think we needed any help for that, he looked doubtful but went away momentarily, anyway, to let the geezers take a crack at it.

And oh what toasters there were to choose from!  The one that really caught our eye was the one that had “Professional Toaster” engraved into its stainless steel.

37 and I were impressed as all get out with this professional toaster, as aging boomers in the dimly-lit isles of Fry’s Home Electronics often are:

“A professional toaster?  Why would anyone need a professional toaster?”

“Well maybe if somebody wanted to make a little extra money, instead of taking in ironing, they could take in toasting.”

“What a great idea for a business:  Have Toaster Will Travel!”

“Yeah, and we could go around to all the fairs and farmer’s markets and set up a toast booth!”

Just as 37 was declaring that this Professional Toaster opened up all kinds of possibilities that were heretofore unimaginable with toast, Little Boy Blue returned to asked us again if we needed any help  — with some real concern creeping into his voice (maybe we had just had dual strokes or something).

When we  finally decided on a toaster, and made the official announcement to Little Boy Blue, he hurried off to get the ladder (which was actually four flights of stairs on wheels), climbed 20 feet up in the air, grabbed the toaster from the tippy top of the stack and that’s when 37 yells,

“You can just throw it down, I’ll catch it!”

I don’t know what got into 37, maybe he was just trying to prove that he could still take one for the Gipper (whoever that is), but Little Boy Blue just looked at 37 like he was an Alzheimer escapee with Tourette’s and wisely ignored him.

Instead, Little Boy Blue climbed down and gently handed the toaster to 37 so as not to break any of 37’s brittle bones, and we headed off to the checkout counter because we remembered where it was and didn’t have to ask.

Mmm . . .as I write this, I can smell the unmistakable aroma of 732-grain, over-sized bread toasting in our new toaster.  And if it turns out to be as good as it smells . . . who knows . . . 37 and I might just be turning pro with this thing!

Until next time . . . I love you

26 thoughts on “Vernon and Vernon, Professional Team Toasting

  1. Having to go to Fry’s is seriously my worst nightmare. I’m amazed that you not only survived the trip, you were willing to share the journey with us!

    Based on similar experience, isn’t it nice to actually have a toaster that fits the bread? What a luxury!!

    • Oh Erin, you are so right. I used to break the bread in half to toast it and 37 would force it down and then have to take the batteries out of the smoke detector right after! (My way was better tho!) HA! :D

        • Haha Erin. That reminds me of my favorite tweet of all time (at least he died doing something he loved; being electrocuted!) I remember my mother telling me more than once to never stick a knife in the toaster. But then she also told me never to marry a jockey. And I am happy to report I honored both those wishes! :D

  2. I wonder if the Fry’s employees think that people over the age of 45 are unable to have a sense of humor. When 37 jokingly asked the young employee if he’d throw the toaster down for him to catch, the employee though he was actually asking for a Dr. Kevorkian type deal.

  3. LOL! Well when you get to be “a certain age” it doesn’t hurt to keep ones eyes peeled for a “Dr. Kevorkian type deal” You really made me laugh, honey! :D

  4. I remember upgrading from the “don’t touch it for 4 hours after toasting”, to one with a plastic outer molding – and it was double wide for bagels!

    Now I use a toaster oven.

    I actually had a burger on a roll that was -get this- ALL grains. That’s right, no flour at all, just a pile of seeds and grains pressed into a ‘bun’ shape. It looked like those little ‘seed bells’ you feed parakeets. I almost cracked my beak on it.

    • LOL Braintomahawk! Now you’re making me want a “double wide”. We didn’t get the double wide! Should have though because I’m going to see if I can find one of those all grain buns of yours and give it a go in the toaster. I’m a little afraid of eating it outside though since we have a lot of pushy crows in the neighborhood. Question: what it good?

    • Thank you El Guapo! I’ll continue to eat 733 grain bread until such time as the AMA announces that it’s a health risk. Which will probably happen next week if I know my AMA! :D

  5. Linda – seriously, you make me chuckle! I have been messing up my toast lately, big style! We have Warburtons bread which is too damned big for the toaster – I don’t know why the company doesn’t just take out their own line of toasters, it would make life so much easier. It comes out looking like it’s got a farmer’s tan – you know, brown forearms, white where the t-shirt sleeves begin. It’s also rather frustrating when someone turns the toaster temp right up and either doesn’t put it back down where it was/tell you so you can sort it yourself. Grr and grr! (I know, what hardship I have in my life – don’t even get me started on how much the toast sucks once you’ve scratched off wall the black bits!!!).

    Sorry, that was a rant! ;) Hope that your professional toaster gives you much joy and satisfaction! :)

    • LOL Katy. It’s so nice to know that toasters and bread don’t match not only in the US but in Scotland too! You should write to the company and tell them your idea. You might be on to something there! I would buy a toaster that is made especially to toast the bread I like. HA! Now I’m off to google this Warburtons bread, it sounds fascinating not to mention delicious!

  6. If you chose the Professional Toaster you could go door to door asking people if you could assist them with their toasting needs. You could use a catch phrase like “Don’t even think I can’t toast that!” Big money.

    • You know what Rich, why don’t we go in together and start an online toasting school. People would send us money and we would send them a dvd of YOU going door to door assisting people with their toasting needs! OK, I’m off to get us our Don’t even think I can’t toast that! business cards! You, sir, are a friggin’ genius!

  7. Ahh… the lost art of toasting. It really is a talent to get it just right. I’ve always been a bread girl. I have yet to meet a variety that I don’t devour.
    Your trip to Fry’s sounds like it would make me nauseous. Lately, everything does– too many choices, too many aisles, perky youthful sales help… sounds awful! And 37! hahaha! What was he thinking!!! Getting crushed by a toaster in the aisle at Fry’s would not be a great way to go out. (But then again, 37’s death car of life might have a mind of it’s own!)

    • Ha ha Lisa! I’m a bread girl too! I love bread in every way shape and form (especially in the form of donuts!). I don’t know what got into 37 wanting that guy to throw him the toaster. I think he might have been checking off bucket list items! HA! And 37’s Death Car of Life may have a mind of it’s own, but I guarantee you I’m the one back seat driving! :D

  8. This post makes me feel so glad to be back visiting fellow bloggers… it’s interesting and simple with humor.. Incidentally, I used toaster for the first time in my life yesterday and I felt happy like a child when the toast popped out!

  9. My favorite part of the story was when you put a phony $5 bill on the floor, then when L. Boy Blue bent over to grab it, you and 37 team-kicked him up into the rafters. Well done!

    We have the same toaster problem here, but our approach is different: we cut down the bread to fit, then eat the leftover pieces untoasted, and pretend they’re just as good. I think the toaster’s about 40 years old, and refuses to die– the li’l mechanical rascal!! : )

  10. Ha ha! Mark! Yes 37 and are are quite the “drop kickers!” How did you know? Poor Little Boy Blue is probably still up there (though fast asleep I’ll bet!)

    I like that you pretend the leftover untoasted pieces are just as good! I’m definitely going to add that to my list of things to pretend to do today! Thanks Mark! You always get me going on the right track! :D

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