My Brain Peanuts Punches Up the News


Hello Dear Readers and welcome to Friday here at the blog! Today my brain, Peanuts,  got a bee in its bonnet. (I really wish Peanuts wouldn’t wear the bonnet, it’s so stupid looking.)

Anyway, Peanuts and I were looking at this genuine news article on the   internet™Al Gore   about ingredients that are bad for you and decided to change it up a bit  by filtering out most of the facts and adding in our own.  And so here is:

Food Ingredients You Do Not Want to Mess With

BHA

This preservative is used to prevent rancidity in foods that contain oils. Unfortunately, BHA (butylated hydroxyanisole) causes . . . guess what?

Yup you guessed it!  The black plague!  Fruity Pebbles has been known to cause the black plague in termites, tarantulas, geraniums and hamsters!  Stay away from this ingredient like the plague!  (Unless you enjoy getting the plague, in which case . . .eat away!)

Parabens

 These synthetic preservatives are used to inhibit mold and yeast in food. The problem is parabens may also disrupt your body’s hormonal balance causing you to have difficulty yodeling in front of crowds of 5,000 people or more.  If your livelihood depends on your yodeling abilities, the FDA suggests you forgo the parabens altogether.  If, however, your yodeling is just a hobby . . .don’t worry about it!

Partially Hydrogenated Oil

  Look for partially hydrogenated oil on the ingredient statement. If it’s anywhere on there, then you’re ingesting artery-clogging trans fat — a trans fat that can also clog up drains, toilets and the works.  In rare cases, trans fat has been known to cause confusion and disorientation around Greyhound buses.  If you happen to go to Long John Silvers and order the popcorn shrimp while driving a Greyhound bus, the FDA recommends you have a Long John Silver employee drive you home.

 Castoreum

 Castoreum is one of the many nebulous “natural ingredients” used to flavor food. Though it isn’t harmful, it is unsettling. Castoreum is a substance made from beavers’ castor sacs, or anal scent glands.  If you get nauseated easily the FDA suggests you might want to consider only eating ice cream that was made from great big gobs of green gushy gopher guts.

Just all bad

The FDA isn’t saying eating Funyuns will kill you.  It is however issuing a warning that the ingesting of Funyuns  is directly related to the condition of Robotism or Frankenstienism.  Therefore  FDA is issuing an official  heads up about the fact that Al Gore is a giant Funyuns fan!

The FDA’s just sayin’.
Until next time . . . Peanuts and I love you

16 thoughts on “My Brain Peanuts Punches Up the News

  1. Which is why I save the Snickers Ice Cream Cup as a reward for after my yodeling performances.
    I’m headlining at the Brodenstein bar-mitzvah next Thursday. I expect I’ll bring them to tears.

    • Well, I’m sure their eyes will be watering alright — one way or another. I hear you’re performing “I want a pony-oldle-odle-odle-hooooooooooooooooooooooo” I’m procuring tickets as I type this.

  2. Who knew Fruity Pebbles were so deadly? (Seriously, The Black Plague? Doesn’t surprise me.) Lol!

    Al Gore is the poster robot for Funyuns. They don’t kill you, which would actually be lucky, no, Funyuns turn you into stone or Al Gore which, as we all know, is a helluva lot worse.

  3. I’m sensing a theme here, with the Al Gore shots…. was your mother perhaps scared by an Algorithm when she was pregnant with you? Or do you always place so much emphasis on specious uncorroborated claims? (He didn’t really say he invented the internet, you know….) Just wondering…. I’d never eat a Funyun anyway… too badly misspelled, and it is not actually a food as we know it… :-) Cute stuff, tell Peanuts it gets the night off…. maybe a good night to hold yodeling practice…..

    • Haha! Scared by Algorithm would describe my mother perfectly. She once tried to figure out how many months old she was by multiplying 1927 x 12. Al Gore invented the internet while eating Funyuns. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! LOL! Yodel-la-ee-whoo!

  4. Funyuns are anything BUT fun. Just ask old Al. He’s about as fun as a partially hydrogenated tree stump. Must be why they are his food of choice. Luckily I’m not afraid of the Plague or driving a bus so I can still partake in eating various unhealthy foods with delicious fake ingredients.

    • Interesting because I think that partially hydrogenated tree stumps are actually what Funyuns really are. Except they also taste like onions. I’ll have to buy some next time you come and we’ll try to eat one. You’ll have to help me because I don’t think I can eat a whole stump by myself.

  5. I lost it at beavers’ castor sacs… (be still my quivering abdomen!)

    Making mental note: Never ask beaver, “Hey pal, what’s in the sac?”…

    Trans fats can clog up toilets?? I’m gonna hafta find another place to go, I guess… : (

    I now avoid the supermarket aisle which has Funyuns. I start crying, then I grab little old ladies who try to hurry by, and I point and gasp out: “Al Gore– that’s all– he– eats– oh, hahahahahah!!!”

    I’ve been evicted 6 times now. It’s embarrassing… : P

  6. LOL Mark! I am so glad I live in a world where I know someone who can converse on any topic — be it beaver’s castor sacs, clogged toilets or Funyuns AND manage to mention Al Gore in a seamless perfection of conversational commenting! And though you may be evicted 6 times from the grocery store, you are always ACES in my book and a treasured presence in the isles of my blog!

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