Pottery Barn: What’s Wrong with Grams?


Hello Dear Readers!  Today it is time to put laughter and happiness aside, at least momentarily, to conduct a little Pottery Barn Family counseling.  For you see, something is terribly wrong with one of Pottery Barn’s most beloved family members . . . .Grams.

As you can see from this snippet of the Pottery Barn’s Daily System White Board Calendar ($54) of which Gram’s plays an integral part, Grams is usually a very busy gal what with all the Labor Day Truffle hunting and the hours spent picking out cat colors for the bedroom.

But frankly Grams has been acting peculiar lately.  In fact, sometimes Grams’ lucidity is a bit sketchy.

Let’s just come right out and say it,  there’s an elephant in the tastefully designed Pottery Barn Family living room featuring Benchwright Collection (skillfully handcrafted by Canadian people $5,180), and her name is Grams.

For instance, yesterday Grams was supposed to be laying out a stylish brunch for the Pottery Barn Family on the Artisan-made Cambria Cortona buffet (handcrafted by Portuguese Mermen $4,480.99) and, well, things got a little crazy.  A little inexplicable.  A little no longer in touch with reality-ish, if you will.

Let’s take a look at the buffet supper that Grams put together.

As you can see, the first thing Grams did was inexplicably saw off the bed posts from the Pottery Barn Family’s beautifully crafted Claudia Bed Collection (an Edwardian style update — updated by Ed himself $1849), just so she could put it on the buffet table. You can also see that Grams took it upon herself to randomly nail cereal bowls to the wall.

 Uh oh . . . this can only mean one thing. Grams finally discovered where her Pottery Barn Family hid the hammer and the saw from her after the “incident” last spring. . .and where did they hide it?  Why in  the beautifully crafted Andover Drawer Cabinet  (weathered by the tears of  Carolina pine forest wood nymphs $2,249).

“I’ll find me that there hammer and saw if  it’s the last thing I do!” Oh wait . . . here they is in the very first drawer HA!.”  — Grams

Now let’s take a look at the really troubling sign that Grams is completely out of her gourd  by examining  the so-called “brunch” Grams put together.

It seems as plain as the nose on Grams’ face, that Grams is having a little trouble with her ability to carry out even the simplest of tasks like preparing a lavishly stylish brunch that would be pleasing to the collective eyes, ears, nose and throat of her Pottery Barn Family.

First, Grams polished off three large tumblers of wine (in three different glasses).  And then Grams laid out a brunch for her Pottery Barn Family consisting of one giant bowl of potatoes and grapes, one hammer-smashed walnut and half an orange peel.

As you will no doubt agree, the Pottery Barn Family had no choice but to schedule a lobotomy for their beloved Grams — not only for her own good; but for the collective good of the Pottery Barn Family’s home –a home, after all,  that is a vivid reflection of their passions, their dreams and their elegant decorating style.  Sans one crazy old lady, that is!

Until next time . . . I love you and so does Pottery Barn (oh who are we kidding, no they don’t!)

14 thoughts on “Pottery Barn: What’s Wrong with Grams?

  1. Is it just me, or does the cluttered disaster on the buffet table stress you out? I think all that junk is really overwhelming. That’s not kitschy, that’s a disorder called hoarding.

    • So glad you liked it! It was pure joy to write. And Grams still has a chance to escape since she is only “scheduled” to get her lobotomy. After all, Grams is the heart and soul of the Pottery Barn Family. (Am I getting to into this? Don’t answer that!)

  2. LOL! “…The Benchwright Collection, skillfully hand-crafted by Canadian people.” This is hilarious, Linda. Something about the way you intersperse the pretentious product names always kills me. Like Erin said, this display actually makes me anxious. Maybe it’s the bed post that Grams sawed off or the wooden bowls nailed to the wall? I don’t think that lobotomy could be scheduled soon enough!

    • Haha Lisa! I gotta say I was thinking of Lily’s writing style when I wrote that and I thought you two would get a kick out of it. I agree that Grams needs her procedure ASAP but something tells me she may find a way to escape, maybe she’ll saw a hole though the wall at the last minute. . . It will be fun to see what happens though!

  3. How sad it is to realize that Grams could have been restored to her normal perky fun loving self with just one good meal of sustainable seagrass.
    If only Al Gore hadn’t harvested it all to restore his colon after one too many bags of Funyons (corner bodega, $.99).

  4. I can’t come up with a response worthy of your comment Guap. I am literally weak from laughing or in the head . . . well both. Hey! Maybe sustainable seagrass could be to Grams what spinach was to Popeye. (Is it just me or is this starting to sound like a test?)

    Or could have been, that is, if big fat pig Al hadn’t used it all to restore his colon which, when unfurled, would wrap around the earth 4,873 times. Ewww . . . let’s never speak of it again.

  5. That zany *Grams is always doing senile stuff like mixing hammers and walnuts on a dresser and calling it brunch. Looks like Pottery Barn made a note on the 17th to send *Grams to the nearst old folks home but only after she she sets up a wine bar/collage made of whittled duck bills and old reciepts

  6. “…weathered by the tears of Carolina pine forest wood nymphs…”

    I’ve written that down, tho it took me 17 tries, it’s hard to write legibly when your hand is shaking so hard from laughter spasms. I’m going to be using it to explain a lot of the “rough edges” here at the tottering pile known as Armstrong Manor… : P

    And now I must go visit Grams. Ah! there she is, acting playful, wearing an empty Funyuns bag on her head. Oh look, she’s nailing Al Gore-zilla to the wall. Must’ve mistaken him for a piece of authentic South Carolina driftwood, such an easy mistake to make… : P

  7. LOL Mark!! “The tottering pile know as Armstrong Manor” . . .let me just rest my weary brain cells on that image for a minute . . . ah . . . uh oh . . . I must have put too much weight on it because now the image of Armstrong Manor is a tottering pile minus the word tottering. Sorry I was just having so much fun thinking about it, I promise to send over Grams and Al Gore-zilla to remedy some of the damage. It may take them awhile to get there as Grams likes to wear her Funyuns bag over her eyes and Al follows her around like a little driftwood puppy dog . . . HA!! :D

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