A Pottery Barn Emergency: Grams is Missing!


Dear Readers,

There is troubling news afoot!   Pottery Barn has issued an official all points bulletin to alert the public that Pottery Barn’s beloved Grams is missing!

Pottery Barn’s Daily System Tool White Board Calendar 24 x 19″ h. $54.00

According to the above pictured white board Grams left on Labor Day to go truffle hunting in the Pottery Barn Sustainable Forest (that Pottery Barn and Pottery Barn only has dibs on!) and hasn’t been seen since!  And frankly, Dear Readers,  Pottery Barn is starting to get worried!

Have You Seen This Person?

Pottery Barn Grams
Missing since Labor Day
Last seen Hunting Truffles in Pottery Barn Sustainable Forest
Wanted Dead or Alive (first choice would be alive)
$15.00 REWARD!!!!!

Naturally Pottery Barn is beside itself with concern and has placed a call to their enclave of Master Crafters headquartered in a barn made of pottery deep in the secret sustainable forests utilizing this Pottery Barn Grand Retro-Styled Phone: featuring flash, push buttons and redial, $59 — but, unfortunately, PB just keeps getting the answering machine (also retro-styled $79 – metal finish).

“Dear God Master Crafters please please pick up!”

Pottery Barn Investigators were able to trace Gram’s trail (by following the crushed walnut shells and orange peels – Grams’ favorite snack) to this outdoor sitting area featuring Pottery Barn’s FSLIC-certified solid eucalyptus  Chesapeake Collection Sectional $2,748 (free shipping).

The Pottery Barn lab test results revealed Gram’s tooth mark was indeed present in one of the Imported Chocolate AmarettoTruffels that Grams liked to pig out on always loved so much!

After that, the Pottery Barn Bloodhounds were then able to sniff out a trail leading to this beautiful Kensington Tilt Mirror framed in rust resistant solid brass.  Trackers are pretty certain that Grams jumped out of the window reflected therein.

It is believed that Gram’s barely had time to appreciate the Satin Nickel finish on this Kensington Tilt Mirror $179 and only available online –before hastily exiting the vignette.

Pottery is as bitterly disappointed as you and I, Dear Readers, that they, as yet, have not been able to locate Grams.  But they have vowed to keep looking until they either find their beloved Grams or get tired of looking!  Until then, Pottery Barn will be holding a candlelight vigil/candle sale at a Pottery Barn stores nationwide.

Pottery Barn’s signature pillar candle is hand-poured of pure unscented paraffin with a 100% cotton wick so that the tunnel burns straight down so that the sides hold up and the candle burns from within until Grams is found. 4″ diam., 4.5″ h. $24 $23 (Saturday only)

Until next time . . . if you see Grams remember there’s $15 in it for you!

27 thoughts on “A Pottery Barn Emergency: Grams is Missing!

  1. So far, tracing Grams whereabouts has only cost us approximately $15, 997.99! And if I count the reward that would be a total of $15,982.99! What a deal Pottery Barn!

    • I knew it! That Grams! Between the pot smoking and the hallucingenic truffle hunting, I’m afraid she’s going to need an Intervention. (Hopefully PB can get her on Celebrity Rehab!)

  2. LOL!!!! OH. Em. Gee. “First Choice would be alive.” Seriously Linda, this is some dang good stuff. Once I saw there was an “Official All Points Bulletin” issued I became quite alarmed. I’m guessing the photo is a police sketch of what they imagine Grams looks like after having pigged out on the Amaretto Truffles, right? hahah!
    Everything about this is funny. EVERYTHING!!! Thanks Linda!

  3. Ahhhh! So glad you liked it Lisa! Our beloved Pottery Barn Grams always keeps us on our toes! But don’t worry about her too much Lisa. I’m sure she’ll be found by the time the next Pottery Barn Catalog comes in the mail! As a safety precaution I’m keeping a candle lit in my window (even though it’s from Walmart)! Ha! :D

  4. Grams isn’t missing, she faked her OWN disappearance. She’s been hing out in the Black Hills of South Dakota. That IS where the Black Hills ARE right? *Scratches head* Send the 15,00 dollar reward money to my blog.
    Muah!!!
    Sooz

      • OK!!!!! Wait a minute . . .isn’t that blackmail? I guess not if you don’t force me to buy an overpriced pretentious Potty Barn bobble — yeah I’ll be happy to send you the 10K! Good luck!

    • Dear Ms. Sooz,
      Please be advised that Pottery Barn cannot send you the reward money you requested until and unless Grams is returned — maybe not necessarily alive, as such, but at least in 1 (one) piece. If she was indeed seen wandering the Black Hills of South Dakota (or maybe North Dakota as the case may or may not be) then we would suggest you set out a trap for her baited with orange peels, crushed walnuts and/or truffles (imported). If she falls for the trap, and you manage to catch her, please mail her to:
      Pottery Barn
      333 Sustainable Seagrass St.
      South (or possibly North) Dakota

      Upon receipt of Grams, we will be happy to mail you a coupon for 15% off your next Pottery Barn Purchase minus Gram’s shipping costs.
      Sustainably yours,
      Pottery Barn

  5. Yow! Is it my imagination, or is Grams a dead ringer for Tipper Gore?? Love the spit curl, and it looks like the rest of her mane coulda used some spit, too… : (

    You have created many exotic, mythical places that live in my imagination, but the PB Sustainable Forest with its bountiful supply of truffles, has to be one of the most delightful and alluring!

    The idea that PB would pitch its own candles for Grams’ candlelight vigil was a devastating topper that had me on the floor– too brilliant, dear Linda!! : )

  6. Haha! Mark! Only a trained satirical eye such as the one you possess would have caught the resemblance between Grams and Tipper! HA! And as far as Grams hair goes, I do know -from reading between the lines of the PB catalog– that Grams is given a good spit shine before they let her out of her room every morning. But us Pottery Barnees would expect no less from Pottery Barn, Grams and Spit! I wonder where they will find Grams? I guess we’ll just have to wait for the catalog to see! :D

  7. OMG, Linda Vernon, this is flippin hilarious!!!!!!!!!! I normally only read you for the trifecta challenges, but guess what– just like Gram having another side to her (and mysterious secrets): so do YOU! WOWZA. I will be back to read more, and in fact might get sucked in for a couple hours into this intrigue. Keep us posted on Gram!!!!!!

    best,
    MOV

    • MOV! You are making my day brighter and brighter. I’m so glad you have joined the search for Grams! Remember now there’s $15.00 in it if you find her ( or 15% off your next PB purchase which is less!) LOL! Thanks for taking the time to checking this blog’s daily weirdness and I very much appreciate your most kind words!! :D

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