Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of The Bible According to Gregory.
Let’s listen in and see what Gregory learned in Sunday School this morning, shall we?
Once there was a biblical man named Jacob who had a twin brother named Esau (probably pronounced says who). Nobody could tell them apart except for one small detail –hardly worth mentioning really. It seems Says Who was covered in goat hair and Jacob wasn’t.
Rebecca, their mom, liked Jacob better because she preferred her children fur-free.
Their father, Isaac, on the other hand, was blind (like 9 out of 10 people in biblical times) and was partial to his hairy son, Says Who.
One day the dad, Isaac, was feeling a little dying-ish and got hungry for his last meal. He told Says Who to go out and kill him something tasty and after he was done eating it, he would give Says Who his final blessing.
In biblical days, people only had one final blessing in them and Rebecca wanted her other son, fur-free Jacob, to get Isaac’s final blessing.
So Rebecca overhears this and hatches a plan (Rebecca was like the Lucy Ricardo of the bible). Rebecca sent Jacob out to the patio to kill a couple of goats so she could make her husband his favorite dinner, Goat Cacciatore.
Then she told Jacob to put the coat of the goats on his arms and the back of his neck so his blind father will think he’s the hairy twin, Says Who. (Rebecca couldn’t stop laughing just thinking about it.)
Well, Isaac falls for Rebecca’s trick hook, line and sinker. He gives his final blessing to Jacob which ensures that Jacob will be master over everybody and all his relatives will be his slaves, etc. etc . . . the standard blessing.
When Says Who overhears this, he vows aloud to kill Jacob just as soon as his dad finishes dying.
When Rebecca overhears Says Who vowing aloud (if you take all the eavesdropping out of the bible it would only be four pages long), she sends Jacob out of town.
Jacob starts walking and soon sees the Holy Place Campgrounds and decides to spend the night. He lays his head down on a stone pillow which was provided by the campgrounds at no extra charge.
Jacob went to sleep and dreamed about a stairway (or possibly an escalator) leading to heaven that had angels going up and down on it.
When Jacob woke up the Lord was standing right beside him and said in His usual booming voice, “I am the Lord, the God of Abraham and Isaac (God always liked to start sentences with an introduction), I will give to you and your descendents this land on which you are lying. They will be as numerous as specks of dust on the earth.”
After that, Jacob couldn’t hear a thing for about an hour.
The next morning, Jacob dedicated his pillow/stone to God by pouring olive oil on it which he had saved from the Holy Place Campground Complimentary Continental Breakfast.
Then Jacob proposed that if the Lord would pay for all his traveling expenses, etc., Jacob would make the Holy Place Campgrounds, the Lord’s house — plus give the Lord a ten percent cut!
Which the Lord went for hook, line and sinker natch.
And there you have it, Dear Reader. I hope you enjoyed this week’s installment of The Bible According to Gregory!
Until next time . . . I love you