Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of the Bible according to Gregory.
Let’s listen in and see what Gregory learned in Sunday School this morning shall we?
When last we left our hero, Moses, he had just parted the naturally curly waves of the Red Sea and led the Hebrews into the desert of Shur. Not to be confused with the dessert of (orange) Sher (bet).
The Hebrews wanted to go to Canaan (which was the biblical equivalent of Canada) because the desert of Shur, as it turned out, had no gas, food or lodging.
Naturally everyone started complaining about this to the manager, Moses.
Moses took it up with the Lord. A menu was quickly devised. The Lord would make it rain quails for supper and manna for breakfast. (This was way before sandwiches were invented.)
For water, Moses was told to strike a rock with his staff –which he did, and water came pouring out — which made Moses very happy although he was secretly hoping for Canada Dry.
Everyone loved the manna because it tasted just like bamanna bread and the quails were delish even though it took 47 of them to really feel full.
After about three-months of desert wandering, the Lord told Moses to meet him on the very tip top of Mount Sinai because he had something for him.
Finally some Canada Dry, thought Moses!
But it turned out the Lord had engraved Ten Commandments on two 100-pound stone tablets for Moses to lug down to the people. (Apparently the Lord had forgotten about how Moses had put his back out parting the Red Sea.)
While Moses was trying to fit the stone tablets into his backpack, everybody waiting down below in the desert of Shur grew restless and, in biblical days, when the multitudes got restless, you could be sure there was going to be some heavy-duty idol worshiping about to happen.
As soon Moses got back to Shur, sure enough (which is where that expression came from btw), the Hebrews had already erected a new God in the form of a golden calf,* and they were worshiping it something awful.
Moses suddenly transformed into what would be today’s equivalent of an irate out-of-town parent who leaves their teen in charge and comes home early to find a wild party.
In fact, Moses got so mad, he forgot all about his bad back*, picked up the stone tablets and smashed the golden calf thus breaking the Ten Commandments into a million little pieces. (Whoops.)
So God told Moses to cut two more stone tablets and bring them back up to the tip top of Mt. Sinai. OY! (This was quickly shaping up to be the most tiring day of Moses’s life).
So Moses cut two more stones tablets and schlepped them back up to the tip top of Mount Sinai. (He asked the Lord if he wouldn’t mind meeting him halfway this time, but just then there was a loud crash of thunder so the Lord probably didn’t hear him.)
When he finally got to the top, God gave Moses the Ten Commandments again. Moses somehow got them safely back down to the bottom of Mt. Sinai and successfully delivered God’s Ten Commandments to the people — who immediately started breaking them left and right, just as they do today.
And that concludes this week’s installment of the Bible According to Gregory!
Until next time . . . I love you
*Scholars estimate that in biblical days , it took approximately an hour and a half to discover, mine and forge gold into golden calf idols including making up the songs and dances to perform around them.
*In biblical days people could do a lot more than they can today when their backs went out.