Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of the Bible according to Gregory.
Let’s listen in and see what Gregory learned in Sunday School this morning shall we?
One day three angels went to visit Abraham, a Biblical Big Cheese. These angels were disguised as regular people.*
Two of the angels went to Sodom and Gomorrah to observe wickedness. While the other angel went to see Abraham.
The angel and Abraham sat down to supper, and just as Abraham was taking a big swig of wine, the angel, who was really God, suddenly pulled off his regular person disguise and announced He was God! Ha! Ha!
Anyway, while they were eating their dessert (angel food cake) God mentioned to Abraham that — oh by the way, He had decided to nuke Sodom and Gomorrah because everybody who lived there was basically being evil 24/7/365.
Now this news actually did cause Abraham to spew a mouthful of angel food cake God’s way but, of course, none of it got on God (plus He didn’t even flinch).
Then Abraham said to God. “But what if I can find fifty righteous people who live in Sodom and Gomorrah? Would you spare the cities?”
God said yes but then Abraham thought about it for a minute, and realized that this was a very slim possibility. So he said to God, “Well, make that forty, do you think there might be 40?” God didn’t say anything.
Abraham said, “Then how about thirty righteous people? I’m absolutely certain there must be 30 righteous people.”
God said, “I don’t believe you.”
Abraham said, “Would you believe ten? Ten righteous people?”
“No.” God said.
“How about a cheerful little girl and dog that doesn’t bite?”
Meanwhile the two angels who were dispatched to check out Sodom and Gomorrah were dining at the house of Abraham’s favorite nephew , Lot (so named because everybody liked him a lot).
Just as Lot was about to take a sumptuous bite of olive casserole, an angry mob of men “looking for a good time” started pounding on Lot’s door insisting they send out the two good-looking angels so they could take them out for “drinks *wink wink*.”
When Lot refused they got madder and madder so Lot decided he would send out his two daughters instead. After that, it was hard to tell who was madder at Lot, the angry mob, or Lot’s two daughters.
When the angry mob finally broke down Lot’s door, the angels struck them all blind and possibly deaf — though nobody had the wherewithal to perform a hearing test so let’s just stick with blind.
After that, God rained down burning sulfer on everybody and destroyed all life in Sodom and Gomorrah while Lot and his family and the two angels fled.
The angels cautioned everybody not to look back or they would turn into a pillar of salt, but apparently Lot’s wife didn’t hear this (she would have really benefited from the hearing test).
So the first thing Lot’s wife did was look back and the second thing Lot’s wife did was turn into a pillar of salt.
The rest of Lot’s family fled to Zoar where they found a nice Inn and ordered a big bowl of Salt Water Taffy in honor of Lot’s wife, which they all enjoyed immensely despite the that Lot’s daughters never spoke to him again.
And there you have it Dear Readers, another installment of the Bible According to Gregory.
*Scholars are uncertain as to how these angels managed to disguise their wings. Some scholars say with huge back packs; while other scholars insist that if someone pointed out their wings they simply replied, “What Wings?”
Until next time . . . I love you