The Bible According to Gregory: The Story of Esther

Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of the Bible according to Gregory. 

Let’s listen in and see what Gregory learned in Sunday School this morning shall we?  

The Story of Esther

Once upon a biblical time, there was  a king named Ahasuerus (bless you!) who ruled the Persian Empire. He had a wife named Vashti whom he thought was so beautiful he wanted her to go veil-less to the next feast so the other princes could feast their eyes upon her. When Vashti refused, he had her put to death for being so modest — among other things (her ironing stunk as well).

One day somebody fixed King Ahasuerus (Gezhundeit!) up with a beautiful girl named Esther whom he fell in love with right away because she was so beautiful and because he had no idea she was really a Hebrew named Myrtle — a fact Esther had wisely decided to keep to herself when she found out the king hated Hebrews almost as much as he hated the name Myrtle.

Anyway, they loved each other very much and spent a lot of time taking romantic walks around the Persian Empire holding hands and wearing matching crowns.

One day, a Hebrew named Mordecai (Mort) who was sort of Esther’s dad* got into a big argument with the king’s main admin guy, Haman.

Well, some angry words were exchanged between Haman and Mort which escalated into some pushing, shoving and slapping –and then, the next thing you know, Haman puts a proposal on the kings desk requesting the king’s permission to kill Mort as well as every single Hebrew in the Persian Empire.  (Ten thousand silver pieces just happened to get stuck to the back of the scroll, btw.)

When Esther’s sort of dad, Mort, found out about Harman’s proposal, he put ashes on his face and tore his clothes – which is the biblical equivalent of what would be termed today as “going postal.”

When the queen found out what happened to her sort of dad, Mort, she sent him some new clothes and a washcloth.*  Mort sent them right back to her  but before he did, he scribbled a note on the back of the  gift receipt that she would have to tell King Ahasuerus (Que Dieu te!) that she was really a Hebrew  — but she could still leave out the Myrtle part.

So Esther found her sexiest little black robe, size IV, and began fasting for three days to fit into it.  Then she curled her hair with her holy rollers, put on her best string of Dead Sea pearls, and invited the king over for two-day marathon of  eggplant barbecue.

“Oh she’s pretty alright! But why’s she so limp?”
“I don’t know, maybe she’s low on eggplant.”

By the second day, the King Ahasuerus (mazel tov!) was so pleased with how pretty Esther looked and with the way she obviously knew her way around an eggplant, he didn’t even care when she broke the news to him that she was a Hebrew and that his admin guy, Haman wanted to kill not only her and her sort of dad, Mort, but also all the Hebrews in the Persian Empire.

Later that day, the Hebrews rose up and slaughtered Haman and plundered his stuff.

Then King Ahasuerus (大吉利事!)  and the rest of the Persian Empire partook of Esther’s eggplant barbecue and a good time was had by all.***

And there you have it Dear Readers, another installment of the Bible According to Gregory.

*Mordecai was Esther’s uncle or cousin — either way he raised her like a  daughter so it was lucky she was a girl.

**Esther would have sent him a bar of Irish Spring, but this was way, way before the invention of soap, Ireland and spring.

***Except for the admin guy, Haman.

Until next time . . . I love you