Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of the Bible according to Gregory.
Let’s listen in and see what Gregory learned in Sunday School this morning shall we?
One biblical day, God had worked His way through everything in His in basket and had a little extra time to take closer a look at “things” and noticed that there was a King named Saul who God thought just wasn’t up to snuff, king-wise.
So God bade Samuel (who God liked enough to name a chapter after in the Bible) to come into His office:
God: “Go to Bethlehem and there is a man named Jesse with eight sons. One of them will be the next king.”
Samuel: “Uh okay . . . You’re instructions are a little vague. You wouldn’t happen to know Jesse’s last name would You?”
God: “What do I know from last names? Just start knocking on doors . . . you’ll find him.”
Samuel: Okie Doke!
God: Oh and Samuel? Before you leave would you mind bringing Me another cup of coffee . . . I take cream.”
After knocking on umpteen random Bethlehem doors, Samuel finally got lucky and found Jesse’s house.
Jesse: Yeah, what do you want?
Samuel: Oh yeah hi . . . uh . . how to put this . . . God wants one of your sons to be king.
Jesse: King of what?
Samuel: I don’t know. He didn’t say.
So Jesse (who was always happy to get rid of one of his sons) paraded all eight of them out for Samuel to pick from. Samuel thought the oldest son, Eilab, looked like good king material. He was tall and smelled like he had actually had a bath at some point, so Samuel picked him to be the next king, and they started loading up Eliab’s stuff in the chariotvan.
But just then, the Lord spoke to Samuel through holy brain-to-brain communicado and told Samuel “icksnay on the Eilab-ay” because He had decided to pick David (the youngest son) instead.
This made David really happy and while he was waiting to be the next king, he watched his father’s sheep, played instruments and wrote poems which he was always sending out for submission to the bible.
David also spent an enormous amount of time shooting stuff* with his slingshot.
Enter the pesky Philistines. You see, the Israelites and the Philistines were like the Hatfields and the McCoys only think of the McCoys as all being nine feet tall.
There was one Philistine, in particular, that had a really big chip on his really big shoulder who went by the name of Goliath McCoy.
Everyday Goliath would shout at the Isrealites something along the lines of “Just try and beat me up, you little Israelite sissies!” or “Your mother wears Roman Army Sandals!” and things of that nature.
Well this really ticked off little David! So he walked right up to Goliath and said, “You better take that back!”
Goliath: Oh yeah? Who’s gonna make me, Pipsqueak?
David: Me that’s who.
Goliath: Oh yeah? You and what army?
David: I’m rubber and you’re glue and whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you. (Which, coincidentally, just happened to be one of the poems David had submitted to the bible earlier that day.)
Then David pulled out his slingshot and picked up a stone and shot Goliath right between the eyes**.
Goliath fell face down on his Philistine face, dead as a doornail, if not deader. When the other Philistine’s saw this, they all ran away.
Nobody knows if they all ran away because they were afraid of David’s slingshot or because it was time for lunch, but either way, it’s been so long now, biblical scholars are quick to agree it doesn’t really matter.
And there you have it, Dear Readers, another installment of the Bible According to Gregory.
*Stuff like maybe sometimes the sheep, but probably not usually.
**The poet in David would have preferred picking up a stone and breaking his backbone but, unfortunately, Goliath was facing the wrong way.
Until next time . . . I love you