Pottery Barn Calls Off the Search for Grams


Dear Readers,

When last we visited our Pottery Barn catalog, they were having an emergency.  Sadly, Pottery Barn’s beloved family matriarch “Grams” had gone missing.

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This is Grams — The Pottery Barn Family’s Beloved Matriarch

Putting 2 and 2 together, Pottery Barn has ascertained that Grams was last seen truffle hunting on Labor Day in the Sustainable Pottery Barn Forests (that Pottery Barn and Pottery Barn only has dibs on)Grams was last seen

Putting 2 and 2 together, Pottery Barn had ascertained after studying this white board ($54) that Grams was last seen truffle hunting on Labor Day in the Sustainable Pottery Barn Forests.

Pottery Barn’s Official Announcement

After looking everywhere including underneath the Valencia II Mahogany Sleigh Bed $599 ($150 savings!), Pottery Barn has completely given up their search for their beloved Grams and are no longer offering the $15.00 reward for her return  –dead or whatever — so they can turn the full force of their attention back onto the more important matter of selling overpriced Christmas decor.

Pottery Barn is quick to point out, however,  it’s not that they don’t dearly love Grams, it’s just that they don’t dearly love Grams all that much. (PB asks that you do not judge them.)

Okay that’s enough about Grams.  Let’s see what Christmas Pottery Barn Catalog has to offer this year:

The Pottery Barn Sustainable Forest Christmas Tree. (Hardly any elves were killed in the cutting of this Christmas Tree.)

The Glorious Pottery Barn Sustainable Forest Christmas Tree. hallelujah!!  Wait . . . who’s that looking in the window?  Uh . . . well PB says pay no attention to that old lady looking in the window.  She’s probably just some Homeless Pottery Barn Lifestyle Wannabe.

From its beaded snowflake tree-topper ($55), to its spectacularly quilted tree skirt ($55), Pottery Barn has chopped down this gorgeous Pine tree from The Pottery Barn Sustainable Forests in the prime of its life especially for the PB Catalog so that potential PB customers may feast their eyes upon it for approximately two and a half to three seconds.  Pottery Barn was careful to ensure that only 1 (one) wood nymph was accidentally killed in the process ($55 $6).

But Pottery Barn doesn’t want you to think about that now, Pottery Barn wants you to look at this:

Grams looking in window

A table setting fit for a King! From the exquisite pressed metal reindeer ($59 free shipping) to the candle votives pre-filled with wax and wick  ($24), to the lovely pine cone . . . wait a minute . . . there she is again! The homeless old lady . . . not to worry . . . Pottery Barn has called the authorities. Something will be done! PB asks that you avert your eyes away from the unpleasantness of the random old lady whom PB has never seen before in its life, btw, and concentrate instead, on the craftsmanship of the Lit Mercury Globes ($24.50).

And now Pottery Barn is proud to present for the first time anywhere  . . . drum roll please  . . . 

Grams decor (2)

The Grams Commemorative Christmas Ornament Collector’s Edition

Nickel is the keyword here! Handcrafted out of nickle by the semi-skilled hands of nickle-over-minimum-wage PB Master Hand Crafters,  The Commemorative Grams Ornament promises to bring Christmas drama to any tree, be it from the Pottery Barn Sustainable Forest or be it from some other lesser quality forest.  At any rate,  Pottery Barn thinks you’ll agree The Commemorative Grams Ornament meets every expectation.  ($5,199 ea. or 6 for $7,599).

And finally, Pottery Barn is offering this Tivoli Coffee Table (delivery discount) with its fine mahogany finish:

The Tivoli Coffee Table in which country living is echo in this table with it's turned spindle legs and hand----wait a minute -- the old lady's back . . . oh great!!  I thought somebody was going to call the police?  What they did already?  Well then unleash the Pottery Barn Attached Dogs, this is getting ridiculous.

The Tivoli Coffee Table echoes simple yet elegant country living and handcra—-wait a minute — uh oh . . . the old lady’s back . . . oh great!! Okay that does it!

Dear Readers, you will have to excuse Pottery Barn for skipping out on the end of this post as Pottery Barn has been called away on an emergency involving a little old lady — who PB has never seen before in its life — who may or may not be dangerous.

In any case, they are currently releasing the Pottery Barn Attack Dogs from their silver-plated,  attacked-dog cages from the Raleigh Kennel Collection ($1,999) and regret having to leave so abruptly.

Until next time . . . Pottery Barn wants you to know that it loves you (as far as you know).

19 thoughts on “Pottery Barn Calls Off the Search for Grams

  1. Ahahahaha!!! “…promises to bring Christmas drama to any tree, be it from the Pottery Barn Sustainable Forest or be it from some other lesser quality forest.” I love how Grams is looking in the windows, but nothing tops Grams on a commemorative ornament!!! LOL! I like how the flower on her hat sticks out of the ornament. That’s probably what makes it so expensive, right?
    Grams looks like she got hit in the head by a candle votive pre-filled with wax and wick! (I guess I’ve never seen a candle without wax and wick? Leave it to Pottery Barn!)

    • Haha Lisa!! I think Grams has been hit in the head with a number of Pottery Barn Bobbles! But boy oh boy did I have a ball with this. That Gram’s! She just makes my day what with her shenanigans and her drinking and her magic mushrooms . . .I mean truffles! Gads! for an old lady she really gets around. I think she might be my alter, alter ego! Let me just put it this way, if I ever go crazy I hope I go Grams crazy! LOL! :D

  2. How do you DO this? I read them, and I’m torn between laughter at the same ornament that Lisa admired and envy over your talents!! Pottery Barn should hire you, or, pay you to never mention their name again. Win/Win!!

  3. PB can’t possibly have a wandering Gram infiltrating their catalog of overpriced decor and eco friendly bark nick knacks. Poor Gram. She’s probably being put into a AARP catalog modeling free car organizers as we speak.

    • Oh Jackie! Oh I love that thought. Grams going over to the other side. Taking on a job for AARP! YES! Carrying around the trunk organizer in her homeless shopping cart and she could sleep in a house made out of disposable Grampers boxes and empty AARP water bottles down by the river that she would decorate with walnut shells and orange peels. I knew there was a good reason I gave birth to you!

  4. Unfortunately, there are no Pottery Barns in my area, but if I ever get the chance to wander through one, I will definitely check on Grams and make sure she’s doing ok.

  5. Why has Pottery Barn not tried entering the UK market, I can’t help feeling my life is incomplete without a pine cone I buy instead of picking one up from Hampstead Heath. Plese help Grams.

    • Haha! I don’t know how you guys get along without paying for pine cones! Well, you’ve always been a resourceful people. Maybe Grams will have to stow-away in the basement of an oil tanker and travel to the UK where she can eat all the pine cones she wants for free . . . .

  6. The Grams Commemorative Ornament threw me into convulsions, but when I saw Grams peekin’ in the window, I totally lost it. I laughed so hard my Pottery Barn toupee (made from a hollowed out PB Sustainable Mushroom lightly padded with PB Sustainable Cedar Chips) fell off. I’m not putting it back on till I stop shaking… : P

    • LOL!! ahaha! Mark! My neighbors think I’m crazy. I gotta remember to shut the window before I read your comments. I laughed so hard at the picture of you wearing you Pottery Barn toupee, my Pottery Barn toupee spun around four times, but luckily righted itself, though I’ll have to vacuum up some of the PB Sustainable Cedar Chips from off my PB sustainable Funyun throw rug that I got at the thrift store.

      I’m so glad you noticed Grams peeking in the window. She loves doing that! And thank you so much Mark for all the laughter your comment always give me! :D

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