Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of the Bible according to Gregory.
Let’s listen in and see what Gregory learned in Sunday School this morning shall we?
The Beheading of John The Baptist
Once upon a holy time, there was a spoiled little girl named Salome. Her uncle, Herod, was an Account Executive for the Roman Empire which in those days was called a king.
Well, it seems King Herod had a little spat with everybody’s favorite Baptist, John The — which resulted in John The, being thrown into jail. It was really just a difference of opinion in that John The Baptist didn’t think King Herod should divorce his wife, Phasaelis, (pronounced Phyllis) to marry his brother’s wife Herodias. (pronounced Midge).
King Herod had a tendency to hold a grudge. So after he married Midge, King Herod threw himself a big birthday shindig –and everybody’s favorite Baptist, John The — was definitely not invited.
Now this was a birthday party of biblical proportions (toga themed), so it wasn’t very long before the birthday boy, King Herod, was having a little too good of a time and started doing Pomegranate wine shots with barley beer chasers.
Well, one thing led to another and the next thing you know, King Herod had managed to talk Salome, his niece-step-daughter, into performing the Macarena –which creeped her out considerably but she did it anyway.
Apparently Salome could really bust a move, and King Herod was so impressed that — in his inebriated state — he told Salome he would give her anyshing she dishired. . . hic.
Hearing this, Salome shimmied her way across the dance floor and asked her mom, Midge, what she should ask for.
Salome: What should I ask Uncle Daddy for, Mommy? A pony?
Midge: Possibly honey, but wouldn’t you much rather have the head of John the Baptist on a really cute platter?
Salome: Good idea Mom! (In truth, Salome would have rather had a pony, but she was always trying to win her mother’s approval.)
So Salome shimmied her way back across the dance floor.
Salome: I’ll take the head of John the Baptist on a platter.
King Herod: Say whash? Holy camel feathers . . .hic . . . I didn’t shee that one coming!
After that, King Herod sent one of his soldiers to cut off the head of John The Baptist and then collapsed on the floor in a heap of drunken king.
The next morning the solider awoke King Herod from his drunken stupor.
Soldier: Here’s the head of John the Baptist as per your request, Your Majesty.
King Herod: Who? What? Oooh . . . my . . . head is killing me . . . OY!
Soldier: You think you’re head’s killing you, what about our friend John here!
With that, soldier held out the platter upon which the head of John the Baptist had been neatly arranged surrounded by sprigs of parsley, and a good laugh was had by all.
And there you have it Dear Reader! This week’s installment of The Bible According to Gregory!
Until next time . . . I love you
Photo Credit: Salome With the Head of John the Baptist, by Caravaggio, National Gallery, London. Circa 1607 via Wikipedia; Captions by My Brain Peanuts
omgoodness I was smart enough not to bring my coffee to class but I jut spit spontaneously anyways.. thank you for your wonderful perspective – I uh probably maybe shouldn’t enjoy them so much but.. bwahahahaha I do!
I’m so glad you do! And I’m curious as to what class you were in. That would be pretty funny to be sitting in class off by yourself and suddenly spray coffee!!
Oh man if only bible stories were made that interesting exciting and funny when i was a kid!! these are just awesome!
I know what you mean! They left out all good stuff at our church. At least it sure felt like they did!
Yes I do believe they did!!
“Uncle Daddy” ahaha!
Pomegranate wine shots and barley beer chasers!! LOL!!
This story always freaked me out – it was so gross! I’m not gonna lie, JtB was a little annoying always standing on the street corner and calling every one a sinner and telling them to repent. It’s like, “Enough already, geeze! We heard you!” haha!
Hahaha! Lisa. I know what you mean. Standing on the street corner (and you know what a weird dresser he was) always yelling, “Baptisms get ‘em while they last! Sigh . . . I think the only reason he wasn’t beheaded sooner is because he was related to JC. (Can you believe how much I’m learning? LOL)
They were cousins, right?
Did you see that one of the TV networks is going to tackle the Bible as a mini-series? I still think you have great material for a weekly 30 minute show. (notice I didn’t call it a sit-com! haha!)
Ye they were cousins — what a family!! They must have had some pretty interesting family get togethers! Ha!. What do you think of Ray Romano playing the part of John the Baptist in the 30 minute show? Ha! It would sure be fun to cast!
I can’t wait for that bible miniseries! I bet it will be really good.
LOL! Ray Romano as John the Baptist!! Perfect!
I can just see him in his camel skin toga! HA!
After this shin dig, they never heard from him again!
I completely understand. those promegranate shots have led to me losing more pairs of pants than…well, than John has lost heads.
What? At least I didn’t make a “he wanted to get ahead” joke!
Not yet anyway . . . but after a couple of glasses of pomegranate wine with a couple of barley beer chasers and out will come the “getting ahead jokes . . . along with some bar dancing . . . Sounds fun!!
You are a bad influence!
(Just one of the many reasons I like you.)
Ditto!
It really is unfortunate that Mr and Mrs Baptist put such little thought into young John’s middle name.
I always suspected the macarena and pomegranates were a sinful mixture.
You provide rich biblical entertainment. Thank you.
Oh thank you Gof. Yes you would think M/M Baptist would have been able to come up with something better than a lowly article of speech for a middle name. But then life was hard in biblical days, and people were too busy shepherding, stoning people and shlepping around baskets of bread to have the luxury of thinking up proper middle names. That’s the impression I get.
They do say two heads are better than one….:P
Bwahaha! Who will be next? Maybe Gregory will find out for us next week. HA!
Everybody’s favorite baptist, John The. Hahaha! I love the last picture of Salmone thinking “I wish I had asked for a pony” since that captures the look on her face perfectly. I can’t wait for good old Gregger’s bible installment next week!
Luckily the bible is pretty thick so there’s going to be a lot more coming. I’ve already retold most of the famous ones. Now I may concentrate on the weirder ones!