Hello Dear Readers and welcome to Fish if From the Archives Friday at the blog! This is where I trot out old posts I’ve written and try to pass them off as new. Today the “Joes” are going to teach us how to make Scientific Salad Dressing. Hope you’re up for a little lesson, Dear Readers! And good news, because it’s Friday, there will not be a test!
Today Dear Readers, I have a special treat in store for you!
I managed to track down a group of elusive scientists and talk them into showing us how to make oil and vinegar salad dressing the scientific way:
First, let’s meet The Scientists:
“Hi! My name’s Joe.”
“Hi! My name’s Joe too.”
“Hi! My name’s Joe but people call me Joe!”
“Hi I’m Joe and I’m about as Joe as it gets.”
Let’s take a minute to give our Salad Dressing Scientists a round of applause!
And now . . .how to prepare Oil and Vinegar Salad Dressing the Scientific Way!
Step One: Reconfigure your kitchen refrigerator so that the reciprocating compressors are working to maximum capacity.
Oh sure it sounds like a lot of work, but really all you have to do is climb up in your kitchen attic (every kitchen has one) and disassemble the compressor. Vacuum the dehydration system and viola! Accessible Hermetic Compressors! Who knew it would be so simple!
Step Two: Stick an olive on the end of a lead pipe.
This will give “slow” Joe (the Joe that’s always getting in everybody’s way) something to do while the other Joe’s continue to prepare the scientific salad dressing. (Slow Joe LOVES eating olives off lead pipes.)
Step Three: Adjust the Atmospheric Pressure Valves according to the atmospheric Pressure, PSIA.
OK, this is kind of a pain, but really it’s simply a matter of finding your kitchen’s cellar (every kitchen has one) and going down there and adjusting the knobs until the calibration level is 11.336.847.11111.0000.1.2.2.f.3.4.
Step Four: Take one large Baskin Robbins container, eat all the ice cream out of it, then fill with oil and pour onto the Refrigeration Compressor
Step Five: Stick another olive on a lead pipe and hand it to “slow” Joe as by now he has probably figured out how to put the last one into his mouth.
Step Six: Go to Costco and buy two restaurant sized jars of pickles, eat all the pickles out of each and pour oil in one and vinegar in the other. (Be sure to remove the finely divided carbon so as not to restrict oil flow, but that goes without saying, of course!)
Step Seven: Pour a little out of both jars onto some lettuce making sure to strain out soluble or entrained metal salts and oxides.
This is a critical step in which everything could go horribly wrong due to low-side pressure in the evaporator — but as long as there is no drop in pressure in the suction line everything should taste pretty darned delicious!
Step Eight: Have Head Honcho Joe give it a taste test!
Uh oh! Head Honcho Joe isn’t pleased with the consistency and, unfortunately, it’s far too late to do anything about that!
Step Nine: Draw Head Honcho Joe a scientific diagram of just exactly what went wrong with the scientific salad dressing, scientifically.
Step Ten: Offer Head Honcho Joe an olive on a lead pipe and keep feeding them to him until he ingests so much lead he can’t tell a Critical Property of Refrigerant from a Pressure-Temperature Refrigerant! HA!
Mmmmmm . . . .me really starting to likee these things says Head Honcho Joe!
And there you have it, Dear Reader. How to make scientific salad dressing Ten Simple Steps!
Until next time . . . I love you