The Bible According to Gregory: The Story of Gideon

Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s Edition of the Bible According to Gregory. 

Let’s listen in and see what Gregory learned in Sunday School this morning shall we?  

The Story of Gideon

A long time ago when the events in the bible were occurring right and left, there was a man named Gideon.

Gideon, along with his fellow Israelites, were living in mountain caves in the land of Midian.  At this particular point in time, God was once again annoyed with the Israelites for being evil and giving in to their idol worshiping addiction, so God had put them on a time out.

Gideon, on the other hand, had always been partial to worshiping Yahweh so God wasn’t mad at Gideon because Yahweh was more or less God’s last name.

Since being on time out, the  Israelites days consisted of nothing but growing crops all day, getting home beat, doing a little cavework and hitting the hay without so much as a dreidel for distraction.

One night while the Israelites were crying themselves to sleep, a horde of people from Midian called Midianians (pronounced douchesbagians) showed up in the middle of the night and ate all the Israelites’ crops.  Which only made the Israelites cry longer and louder.

The next day, while Gideon was threshing what was left of the wheat, an angel of the lord appeared to Gideon and said over the din of the blubbering multitudes, “The Lord is with you, mighty man of valour and you have been chosen to save Israel.”

If Gideon was thinking  oh whoopty friggin’ doo! Thanks a lot,  just what I need to be doing right now –he didn’t say it out loud because, by now, he knew the Lord God Yahweh had a tendency to get cranky especially if He happened to be low on burnt offerings.

So Gideon went up the hill and destroyed the altars that had been erected to worship the false god, Baal, (pronounced Bubba) and built an altar for the Real Lord God Yahweh instead and quickly burned an offering for Him utilizing the first thing to run by.

Later that day, the douchesbagians formed a huge army so, while Gideon was taking a nap, a spirit of the Lord blew a trumpet in Gideon ear, calling a great army together while at the same time shattering both Gideon’s eardrums.*

But then God said that Gideon’s army was way too big but not to worry because God had a plan to weed out the army which was two-fold.

Fold 1:  Send all the cowards home. (This got rid of 22,000 right off the bat.)

Fold 2:  Get rid of all those who drink water on all fours like a dog (This got rid of all but 300 and some of those were iffy — but they had to have somebody in the army.)

God told Gideon to sneak into the douchesbagians camp and listen to what they were talking about.

So that’s what Gideon did and sure enough one of the douche bags was telling about a dream he had in which the following scenario had occurred.

“I dreamed,” said the man, a cake of barley bread tumbled into the hose of Midian and came to a tent and smote it that it fell and overturned it and the tent lay along.”

This made Gideon realize that besides being really hungry for a cake of barley bread, his guys would be smiting the douchesbagians.

So Gideon didn’t bother to get any swords, he just armed his soldiers with empty pitchers, lamps and trumpets. The soldiers lit up the lamps, broke the pitchers, tooted the trumpets and everybody screamed,”The sword of Yahweh and of Gideon,” at the top of their lungs — causing the douchesbagians to kill themselves because they couldn’t take the noise.

Gideon couldn’t decide which he was happier about, winning the battle, or that  his eardrums had been previously shattered.* 

*lying

“Let’s see . . . okay, that guy’s drinking like a man, he can stay.   That next guy’s drinking like a dog . . .he’s out. The next guy’s drinking like a kitty . . hmm . . .oh well, I guess he can stay . . . “

And there you have it, Dear Readers!  This week’s installment of the Bible According to Gregory.  Be sure to check back next Sunday for the further adventures of The Bible According To Gregory.

Until next time . . . I love you