Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s Edition of the Bible According to Gregory. Let’s listen in and see what Gregory learned in Sunday school this morning shall we?
Moses and the Burning Bush
In biblical days, everybody’s dream job was getting to tend sheep. It was an easy job that didn’t require a lot of equipment except a stick called a staff, and a sturdy pair of sandals that didn’t give you blisters. The only downside being that sheep never took a break from wandering, so the hours weren’t very good.
When Moses got married his father-in-law, Jethro brought Moses into the family sheep-tending business, Jethro’s Sheep Trackers (They Never Pull the Wool Over Our Eyes) and was given a flock of sheep to tend at their main location in the desert.
One day, Moses decided to lead his flock of sheep over to a mountain called Horeb, which was also known as the mountain of god, just for kicks and giggles.
As Moses approached the mountain he saw a burning bush, but wasn’t sure it was actually burning
While Moses was trying to decide whether the burning bush would roast a marshmallow or not, he heard the voice of God call out to him.
“Moses! Moses!”
Moses quickly put the marshmallow back in his pocket as he knew God had a lot of laws, and he wasn’t sure what His current marshmallow law was.
“Don’t come any closer.” God said, ” Take off your sandals for the ground on which you are now standing is holy ground.”
The Lord told Moses that He would like him to go to Egypt and tell the Pharaoh that he, Moses, had been chosen out of a hat by God to lead the Israelites out of Egypt and into the Promise land.
Now the Promise Land was not only quite spacious but also flowed with milk and honey which was the equivalent of having everything made out of Snickers candy bars by today’s Promise Land standards.
When Moses tried to explain to God that the he wasn’t a very important person, and that he wouldn’t even have his sheep tending job if it weren’t for his father-in-law, God’s answered, “I’ll be with you.”
Moses: Yeah but what if nobody believes me. How am I supposed to tell the people who you are.
God: Tell them, I AM WHO AM.
Moses: You mean tell them “I AM WHO I AM?”
God: No just “I AM WHO AM”
Moses: You’re sure you don’t want me to tell them, I AM WHO I AM?
God: No that’s too pretentious. Besides, I AM WHO AM is my actual legal name.
Moses: Oh.
God. And Moses?
Moses: Yeah?
God: That’s my name. Don’t wear it out.
Moses: Gottcha.
But Moses was still a little shaky on the details of God’s Un-enslaving the Hebrews Plan until God told Moses to throw down his staff which he did, and it turned into a writhing, wriggling slimy, evil, ugly, humongous snake which convinced Moses that God’s plan just might work at that — until God mentioned the part where Moses would have to make a speech to the Pharaoh.
Moses: A speech! I’m not making a speech. No way! I am not doing any public speaking! Not even You can make me do that!
God: Look all you have to say is “I AM sent me to you.”
Moses: But that’s a grammatically awkward sentence — it won’t make any sense.
God: Well what if you said, “The Lord, the God of your fathers, the God of Abraham, the God of Issac, the God of Jacob has sent you.”
Moses: Nope! I’m not making a speech.
God: Alright . . . well . . . I know! What if I created Toastmasters and you could attend for like a year before giving your speech to the Pharaoh. I’ll tell you everything to say!
But Moses flat out refused and didn’t acquiesce until God promised Moses He would make his brother, Aaron, do all the public speaking.
Be sure to check back for next’s week’s story, The Ten Plagues — when God is forced to Implement Plan B for Un-enslaving the Hebrews!
Until next time . . . I love you
Photo credits: Attributed to Dierick Bouts the Elder, Netherlandish from Wiki
LOL! Hip hip marshmallows hooray!!
Haha! I bet the burning bush would make perfectly toasted marshmallow. At least I like to think so anyway!
Yep yep! now…let’s see..where are my bratwurst..!
Oh yeah! I’m getting some of those too!
I’ll bet your own Sunday School teachers had a ball with you in their classrooms, providing alternate dialogues by the story characters out of that wicked imagination you keep hidden among your Peanuts…. In fact, I would wager good money that you were personally responsible for the early retirement of a number of such teachers before your tenth birthday… Am I right?…. Or did they just go home and drink to forget the experience….
Great fun, my dear… good job…. You can wipe the blood off your sandals now, from kicking Pharaoh while he was down….
LOL! Ned! You have managed to glean the truth about me from between the lines of this story. Looking back on my teachers, I wouldn’t be at all surprised if many of them went home and took to drink. I remember one class in particular when the teacher was talking about how we can’t see God, my friend raised her hand and said, “That’s because God is odorless colorless and tasteless!” Even the teacher laughed. Ah great memories!
it would be so cool if you could write a kids bible that way, oh my gosh you make it so much fun to read the stories!! marshmallows! ahaha!
Oh that would be cool to make the bible fun for kids to read! That’s a great idea Bucky!
it so would and even adults!
Well, I’ll just keep writing them every week and see what happens.
great i look forward to them!
Oh my gosh, Linda! Jethro’s Sheep Trackers “They never pull the wool over our eyes.” hahaha! So much good stuff in this one; Snickers Bars -Today’s Promise Land standards… “I Am Who Am” is my actual legal name! LOL! The capper is God promising to give Moses a year of Toastmasters before he gives his speech to Pharaoh! Moses really didn’t have the self-esteem and confidence that God was counting on, did he? Who knew Moses was such a haggler, and with God, no less!
Haha! I know the people in the old testament didn’t seem to have any problem arguing with God. It seems like most of the people God picked to do stuff for him were stubborn and sassy and annoyed. Well they were all wearing such uncomfortable shoes and the scenery was kind of dry and ugly that I think everyone was just in a really bad mood. I know I would have been! HA!
AND THE CAPTIONS!! Too funny!!!
Oh so glad you liked it Lisa. I’m always amazed at how there always manages to be a perfect picture to go with the story. Lately I’ve been finding the best stuff from commons.wikimedia.org. There’s so much to choose from. I highly recommend it.
There is so much in this that is just too funny for words (even for Moses to speak). I always found it intriguing that Arron did all the talking, but Moses got all the accolades for it!
Haha! Poor Aaron. I’ll bet when they were little Moses would cause all the trouble and Aaron would be the one who got punished.
“Aaron” oops….
I taught Public Speaking for years, and told clients that fear of Public Speaking was the #1 fear: even stronger than the fear of death.
Now that even YOU say so, it must be true. This was hilarious; thanks again for putting me in a great mood before tonight’s episode of Downton Abbey deflates us all!
Ronnie! You taught public speaking! Wow. That must ahve been pretty challenging! I have a fear of public speaking and I even went to Toastmasters for awhile which actually did help quite a bit. But oh how interesting to be a Public Speaking teacher. That would be a really hard job, I would think. I bet you’ve got a lot of good stories about your students!
Oh see, now I am soooo happy because the unanswered question for me was, why was Moses there in the first place, how God actually chose him and I would still like to know what exactly the marshmallow law was because if indeed Moses was about to commit a criminal act.. well he seems more believable.. being as its just a little marshmallow.. rule breaker..
Love it! ♥
So glad you enjoyed this Lizzie! I think one of the commenters mentioned that marshmallows probably tasted just like Manna. Well, I wouldn’t be surprised. I think when we put our heads together the bible starts making more sense somehow! LOL!!
Oh My I Am Who Am! I can’t wait until the plagues! My heart does interpretive dances in my chest!
LOL! Oh bless your interpretive dancing heart Undercover! Oh those plagues. They are going be some fun!
This is, of course, very amusing. My favourite part is the reference to Snickers!
Haha! Well, I just hope some form of the Snickers candy bar is well represented in heaven!
…and my favourite is the reference to Moses ‘getting the job through his father-in-law’.
That seemed to happen a lot in Biblical times, no?
It certainly does. In fact, the bible seems to be bursting at the seams with nepotism!
I’d always thought that manna tasted a lot like marshmallows.
Oh, well, that certainly explains the Rice Crispy Treat False Idol worshipping!
If God had only been a bit more ungramatical, he could have gone with “I Art Who Art”, Then everyone could have called him Art.
Or Artie, at cocktail parties…
Almighty God Artie! Has a nice right to it!