Welcome, Dear Readers, to this Sunday’s edition of the Bible According to Gregory. Let’s listen in and see what Gregory learned in Sunday school this morning shall we?
When last we left our hero, Moses, God had just given Moses some important instructions via God’s first communication prototype, the Burning Bush (which ultimately turned out to be so cumbersome God just went back to yelling down at people.)
God wanted Moses and his brother, Aaron, to go to Egypt to make a convincing presentation to the Pharaoh to persuade the pharaoh to allow God’s people, the Israelites, (the pharaoh’s entire slave workforce) to take off three days for a Sacrifice Pot Luck Party in the desert.
God gave Moses a pocket full of miracles to aid in the presentation which consisted of a stick that sometimes turned into a snake, a cure for chapped hands, and an overhead projector (hand cranked).
So Moses took his wife and his sons and a few of his favorite sheep and put them on a donkey (don’t worry, the donkey was big for its species) and set out for Egypt.
But something funny happened to Moses on his way to Egypt –even by biblical standards. It seems while Moses was at a camping place the Lord met Moses and tried to kill him.
Luckily Moses’s wife, Zipporah (who went on to invent the zipper, btw), performed the standard procedure that all wives practiced whenever the Lord was trying to kill one of their husbands. It’s almost boring it’s so predictable. Let’s all say it together shall we:
“She cut off the foreskin of her son and touched Moses feet with it.”
Which worked like a charm because right after that, the Lord quit trying to kill Moses.*
Anyway, once Moses and Aaron got to Egypt, they weren’t sure where to go so they walked up to the biggest pyramid and knocked on the first door they came to which turned out to be the Pharaoh’s burial chamber where he just happened to be taking a nap in his new Sarcophagus.
Moses and Aaron gave their presentation as planned except that the walking stick that was supposed to turn into a snake developed a glitch — in that it turned into a snake while Moses was holding it, and turned into a stick when Moses threw it down — which was far less impressive and far more creepy for Moses.
But in the end the timing of the presentation came out just as they had planned so that there was still some time for a few questions.
Pharaoh: Uh huh. So let me get this straight, fellas. You’re telling me that the Lord — whom I have never heard of – wants me to let my slave-labor force off for a three-day weekend for some weird SacraficePalooza in the desert?
Moses: Yeah that about sums it up.
Pharaoh: uh huh . . . and what’s in it for me?
Moses: Basically nothing.
Pharaoh: Uh huh.
Aaron: Well, I guess it’s more like what’s not in it for you, Mr. Pharaoh. If you don’t do as the Lord has requested he says he will kill everybody’s firstborn son.
Pharaoh: Uh huh. Well, you know what? I’m going to call up all my Slave Foremen right now and tell them to come to my burial chamber for a meeting. And we’ll just see about this! Herod? Hand me my Burning Bush will ya?
Later that morning
Pharaoh: Uh huh. Thanks for coming on such short notice everyone. I just wanted to announce that instead of giving all of you three days off to go to the Lord’s Sacrifice party, you’ll be working round the clock making twice as many bricks as you were before.
Slave Foreman: Before what?
Pharaoh: Uh huh . . . before Moses and Aaron got me all riled up with their stupid, ineffective presentation.
Slave Foreman: Excuse me Pharaoh, but I’ve always wondered why we are making all those bricks? I mean, the pyramids aren’t made out of bricks, they’re made out of blocks.
Pharaoh: Uh huh. That’s a good question. Unfortunately I don’t feel like answering it right now.
Slave Foreman: Sure, fine, just asking . . . I’m good with that. Thanks anyway.
Pharaoh: Uh huh.
As everyone was leaving the meeting, all the Slave Foreman were waiting for Moses and Aaron to come out . . . to be continued next week . . .
* Some Biblical Scholars think the Lord was trying to kill Moses with kindness, while others think the Lord was trying to kill Moses with a weapon, however, the majority of biblical scholars have concluded that its been so long now they don’t remember what the question was.
And there you have it. Dear Readers! What Gregory learned in Sunday School this week. Please check back next week for the further adventures of Moses and his less biblically important brother, Aaron.
Until next time . . . I love you