Welcome, Dear Readers, to this Sunday’s edition of the Bible According to Gregory. Let’s listen in and see what Gregory learned in Sunday school this morning shall we?
A Funny Thing Happened to Moses on the Way to Egypt
When last we left our hero, Moses, God had just given Moses some important instructions via God’s first communication prototype, the Burning Bush (which ultimately turned out to be so cumbersome God just went back to yelling down at people.)
God wanted Moses and his brother, Aaron, to go to Egypt to make a convincing presentation to the Pharaoh to persuade the pharaoh to allow God’s people, the Israelites, (the pharaoh’s entire slave workforce) to take off three days for a Sacrifice Pot Luck Party in the desert.
God gave Moses a pocket full of miracles to aid in the presentation which consisted of a stick that sometimes turned into a snake, a cure for chapped hands, and an overhead projector (hand cranked).
So Moses took his wife and his sons and a few of his favorite sheep and put them on a donkey (don’t worry, the donkey was big for its species) and set out for Egypt.
But something funny happened to Moses on his way to Egypt –even by biblical standards. It seems while Moses was at a camping place the Lord met Moses and tried to kill him.
Luckily Moses’s wife, Zipporah (who went on to invent the zipper, btw), performed the standard procedure that all wives practiced whenever the Lord was trying to kill one of their husbands. It’s almost boring it’s so predictable. Let’s all say it together shall we:
“She cut off the foreskin of her son and touched Moses feet with it.”
Which worked like a charm because right after that, the Lord quit trying to kill Moses.*
Anyway, once Moses and Aaron got to Egypt, they weren’t sure where to go so they walked up to the biggest pyramid and knocked on the first door they came to which turned out to be the Pharaoh’s burial chamber where he just happened to be taking a nap in his new Sarcophagus.
Moses and Aaron gave their presentation as planned except that the walking stick that was supposed to turn into a snake developed a glitch — in that it turned into a snake while Moses was holding it, and turned into a stick when Moses threw it down — which was far less impressive and far more creepy for Moses.
But in the end the timing of the presentation came out just as they had planned so that there was still some time for a few questions.
Pharaoh: Uh huh. So let me get this straight, fellas. You’re telling me that the Lord — whom I have never heard of – wants me to let my slave-labor force off for a three-day weekend for some weird SacraficePalooza in the desert?
Moses: Yeah that about sums it up.
Pharaoh: uh huh . . . and what’s in it for me?
Moses: Basically nothing.
Pharaoh: Uh huh.
Aaron: Well, I guess it’s more like what’s not in it for you, Mr. Pharaoh. If you don’t do as the Lord has requested he says he will kill everybody’s firstborn son.
Pharaoh: Uh huh. Well, you know what? I’m going to call up all my Slave Foremen right now and tell them to come to my burial chamber for a meeting. And we’ll just see about this! Herod? Hand me my Burning Bush will ya?
Later that morning
Pharaoh: Uh huh. Thanks for coming on such short notice everyone. I just wanted to announce that instead of giving all of you three days off to go to the Lord’s Sacrifice party, you’ll be working round the clock making twice as many bricks as you were before.
Slave Foreman: Before what?
Pharaoh: Uh huh . . . before Moses and Aaron got me all riled up with their stupid, ineffective presentation.
Slave Foreman: Excuse me Pharaoh, but I’ve always wondered why we are making all those bricks? I mean, the pyramids aren’t made out of bricks, they’re made out of blocks.
Pharaoh: Uh huh. That’s a good question. Unfortunately I don’t feel like answering it right now.
Slave Foreman: Sure, fine, just asking . . . I’m good with that. Thanks anyway.
Pharaoh: Uh huh.
As everyone was leaving the meeting, all the Slave Foreman were waiting for Moses and Aaron to come out . . . to be continued next week . . .
* Some Biblical Scholars think the Lord was trying to kill Moses with kindness, while others think the Lord was trying to kill Moses with a weapon, however, the majority of biblical scholars have concluded that its been so long now they don’t remember what the question was.
And there you have it. Dear Readers! What Gregory learned in Sunday School this week. Please check back next week for the further adventures of Moses and his less biblically important brother, Aaron.
Until next time . . . I love you
You will surely be smited mightily by the Lord thy God, once He’s done chuckling in his beer….
LOL! Ned! Well, as long as he got a chuckle out of it it will have well been worth it. (I did consider selling one of my shoe soles to the devil one time, but I don’t take Canadian coins.)
Thank you Zipporah! thank you for keeping our pants zipped up lol! oh btw i’m sure the pharaoh didn’t mind waking up to a couple of very lost guys lol
(Fiddles with the dang stick that won’t turn into a snake bah!)
LOL!! Oh bless Zipporah’s heart and zippers! She did more for the human race than than that other well-loved biblical character, Mrs. Safety Pin.
Eh, Safety pin was a on the fly fixer upper kinda gal
Despite God trying to kill Moses, I think you have to admit he’s still a pretty stand up deity.
If not,why would he have given Moses the cure for chapped hands, which he knew Moses would get after working his projector?
LOL!! So true. Oh I can always count on you, Guap, to find the good in everyone! I think in this case God just had the sugar-grumpies. When you consider that Heaven is constructed entirely of cotton candy clouds, I think he does pretty darn good most of the time.
LOLOL!!!! The standard procedure for fending off the Lord when he routinely tries to kill a husband… cutting off your son’s foreskin and putting it on your husband’s feet? That one? Yeah, everybody knows that old trick — tried and true. Haha!
Had Steve Jobs been around back then the burning bush might have been called the ibush.
If I were Moses I would have just gone solo, Aaron seems to be little or no help at all! The caption — hahaha!
LOL!! the ibush! Oh that would have been perfect to put in! Maybe in part two. This one is a long bible story! I was absolutely shocked when I read the Lord tried to kill Moses! I admit he could be annoying at times, but all in all I’d say he was a pretty good guy. Thank goodness for his wife just happened to have their son handy! LOL!!
You forgot to tell the part when Zipporah’s sister, GingerySNAP, got into a huge sibling rivalry thing about whose fastener was more effective for keeping foreskins hidden and away from those with sharp knives.
LOL Ronnie!!! And I think in this case, Ginger’s snaps would have been more effective and safer than a zipper too!! LOL!!
Love the captions to the pics. Love it!
Ah! So glad you enjoyed it Pink!
I love Zipporah! I always wondered who that inventor was! LOL. You are amazing
Haha! I know, who knew all those biblical robes had zippers! Well I guess you learn something new every day (or make up something new everyday . . . .either one!)
Cwaaaaaazy Moses is at it again. He’s such a problem solver! I look forward to the Pahroah’s response as to why slaves used bricks to build the pyramids. Uh huh.
Uh huh.
What happened if the wives didn’t have a son? Now I know why she was named Zipporah! (i actually know a kid named that today). I have to figure out now if my snake is actually a walking stick….
Haha!! Ok, now I’m worried that maybe my walking stick is a snake. Hey I know . . .maybe you could ask the real life Zipporah that you know! She could probably tell the difference for us!
ahaha! only problem is she’s just a little girl and live far away! look out for your stick!
Love the threat but I need more action! When do the flies come to town?
Zipporah actually invented the zipper for the act of circumcision. It wasn’t until the early 20th century that Gideon Sundback incorporated it as a fastener.
I’ve never understood that bit where god tries to kill Moses. Must be a misprint!
Oh I certainly hope so. Otherwise it’s a little, shall we say, disconcerting?