Scientist Predicts Humans Could Eventually Grow Beaks
After spending one too many long nights in his laboratory with nothing for company but a mirror and a bag of Sunflower seeds, Dr. Gareth Fraser, an actual biologist at Sheffield University, has suggested that humans may someday evolve beaks instead of teeth.
“It could be possible for humans to evolve to grow beaks which may be more robust and practical,” Dr. Fraser stated after spitting out a mouthful of sunflower seeds.
The biologist has explored why people only grow two sets of teeth in their lifetime, and is having a great deal of difficulty reconciling why it is some other creatures get to grow many more! ”It just isn’t fair, squaaaawk!” Dr. Fraser looked like he was going to say there for a minute.
The biologist went on to lament, ”We will not be seeing beaked humans in our lifetime.” And, resisting the urge to dip both elbows in a bowl of water and shake them vigorously until dry, he continued. ”Teeth fused together to form a tough, pointy bill would probably not happen for several million years more.”
Until such time, however, Dr. Fraser has made peace with the fact that he will have to continue to remove sunflower seeds from their husks with his hands.
Russia’s Space Program Deemed ‘Ineffective’
In a shocking to no one statement, the Russian Federal Space Agency “Roscosmos” is among the biggest and least disciplined of Russian government agencies and has been found to be blatantly ignoring regulatory requirements after an audit discovered the agency was going through 4.5 times the amount of vodka that was alloted to them. Which could account for why the agency’s rockets have been exploding right and left.
“If this trend continues,” the Russian Deputy Prime Minister was overheard saying, “we will have to bring in Moose and Squirrel,” and added, “Let us drink to their success!”
Man Claims to Live on Nothing But Air and Sunlight
A man known as Kirby claims he has lived on nothing but air and sunlight for the past five years, and when he wants to drop a few pounds — cuts down on the sunlight.
Kirby says everyday the only thing he eats is his daily communion which consists of a small morsel of bread and red wine.
Kirby also reported that he has only eaten 7 meals in the last 300 days. Of course, he didn’t mention what he ate during those meals (9 cows?) or how long each meal lasted (42 days?) but he’s pretty sure not eating anything more than air burgers with a side of sunlight is going to make him immortal.
When Kirby had a physical examination six months ago, and the doctor found that Kirby’s vital signs were all normal except for his stomach which was found to be extraordinarily empty, and, when tapped with a reflex hammer, echoed for six consecutive days.
And there you have it, Dear Reader, a little glimpse into what the scientists have been thinking about!
Until next time . . . I love you