Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of the Bible According to Gregory. Let’s listen in and see what Gregory learned in Sunday school this morning, shall we?
Elijah and Elisha
Back in biblical days before the days of the week had names, everybody just said “and it came to pass” to refer to any day other than “today”. On this particular “and so it came to pass” there were two bible men named Elijah (Eli) and Elisha (Fred).
The Very First Biblical Groupie
Eli was a traveling miracle performer and Fred was his devoted fan, following Eli around everywhere he went like a little puppy dog. It got to the point that Eli couldn’t even go to the bathroom without Fred hanging outside the tent whining.
Finally one day Eli just couldn’t take it anymore.
Eli: Hey listen. Fred, it’s been great and all, but I just got word that the Lord is sending a whirlwind for me any minute now to take me up to heaven. So I’ll see ya around.
Fred: Yeah but where are you going now?
Fred: Oh I love Jordon. I’ll come too!
Eli: There’s not enough room in the cart, sorry man.
Fred: I see plenty of room in the cart!
Eli: Yeah, but I like to stretch out.
Fred: Oh right! Gotcha! I’ll just run along behind.
When they got to the Jordon River. Eli told Fred to stay where he was because in order to cross the river, he was going to have to part the water with his “all in one miracle cloak.” (This was way before swimming had been invented.)
Fred: What? You’re going to do some water parting? Oh I love that! I’ll come too.
Eli sighed and rolled his eyes, and while he was parting the river, he looked over at Fred who was dusting out Eli’s cart and fluffing Eli’s cart-pillow, and he felt a pang of guilt.
A lovely parting gift
Eli: Hey listen Fred. I’d like to give you a lovely parting gift before the Lord’s whirlwind comes to get me. So what would you like?
Fred: Oh gosh. I need so many things. A new satchel maybe?
Eli: Great a new satchel it is!
Fred: But then again I could use a new cloak. This one’s got fig juice stains all over it.
Fred: No wait! I know! I’ll take a portion of your power that will make me your successor!
Just then the Lord’s Whirlwind pulled up and Eli got in and told the driver, “Heaven and make it snappy!”
And that was the last time Fred ever saw Eli again.
A Biblical Nervous Breakdown
Fred was so grief stricken, he had the usual biblical nervous breakdown which consisted of tearing at his fig-stained cloak and ripping it into shreds using nothing but his one good tooth and his fingernails. (This was way before the invention of fingernail clippers.)
Then he spied Eli’s magic cloak laying on the ground and put it on. Seconds later, the Jordon River parted, and Fred walked across and found 50 men there who immediately began bowing at his feet and telling him they would go find Eli for him if he wanted them to.
Fred sat down and chugged big goblet of fig juice, while the men ran off to the mountains and valleys to look for Eli and came back and reported to Fred that that Eli was nowhere to be found.
But Fred wasn’t listening anyway, because he was too busy marveling at how the fig juice he spilled all over Eli’s “all in one miracle cloak” hadn’t left a stain. (This was way before Tide Sticks had been invented.)
Stayed tuned next week to find out what miracles Fred will perform with his “All in one Miracle Cloak” including commanding two bears to kill forty-two boys — and without even knowing how to add or subtract! Ha ha! Imagine that!
And there you have it, Dear Readers, what Gregory learned in Sunday school this week. I hope you enjoyed this installment of The Bible According to Gregory.
Until next time . . . I love you