Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of the Bible According to Gregory. Let’s listen in and see what Gregory learned in Sunday school this morning, shall we?
Job Gets Sores
Last week’s episode: Last week the Lord held a Heavenly Body conference meeting, and Satan came, ate all the donuts, then sat in the corner pouting and pulling the leaves off all the Heavenly Conference Room plants until he got a fabulous idea to talk the Lord into testing his best worshiper, Job. The Lord agreed so Satan killed all Job’s animals, all Job’s servants and all Job’s kids to see if Job would curse the Lord up one side and down the other– but instead, Job just praised the Lord which really put a bee in Satan’s bonnet (which had two holes right where his horns went, but biblical scholars believe this was just a coincidence.)
After the little “incident” with Job, the Lord called another Heavenly Conference meeting. Satan arrived late.
The Lord: Where have you been?
Satan: Oh you know, this and that, roaming around the earth, schmoozing souls at various eating establishments.
The Lord: Which ones?
Satan: Saul’s House of Figs, Big Daddy Adam’s BBQ Rib Smokehouse and John the Baptists All You Can Eat Honey Locust Buffet.
The Lord: Say, how’s that honey locust buffet of John’s? I’ve heard good things.
Satan: I don’t know, the line was too long.
The Lord: Hey guess what, Satan? Even though you made Job’s life miserable he’s still My Number-one fan!
Satan: Yeah, but a man will give up everything in order to stay alive but if you hurt his body, he would curse you to your face.
The Lord: Ya think?
Satan: I don’t think, I know! Let me have another crack at him.
The Lord: Well, okay, but don’t kill him. You know how much I love my Job.
The Lord. You mean L-O-R-D, right?
Satan: No, it’s just an express–hey! Look at the time! I gotta get goin’ if I’m going to get any Job torturing in today!
The Lord: Okay! Bye! See ya! Bye!
When Satan left the Lord, he went directly to Job’s house and caused sores to break out all over Job’s body and also caused all of his laundry to become dirty.
Now, in biblical days, when a people got sores all over their bodies, the standard treatment was to go to the city dump, find the filthy-dirtiest piece of broken pottery available and start scraping at them which is exactly what Job did.
Job’s wife who happened to be at the city dump discarding their dirty laundry (this was way before washing machines were invented) poked her head out from behind a big pile of biblical garbage and observed, “You are just as faithful as ever, aren’t you? Why don’t you curse God and die.” (Job’s wife was full of bad advice).
To which Job answered, “When God sends us something good, we welcome it. How can we complain when he sends us trouble? Even in all his suffering, Job was a good sport and said nothing against God.
And if Job’s wife thought Job was a Goodie-Two-Shoes of epic proportions, she apparently didn’t say it loud enough to have anybody hear it and write it down for inclusion in the bible.
Well, Dear Readers, Gregory hopes you enjoyed this week’s installment of The Bible According to Gregory. Stay tuned next week when Job’s friends meet him at the city dump and there’s an awkward silence that lasts seven days and nights.
Until next time . . . I love you