Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of the Bible According to Gregory. Let’s listen in and see what Gregory learned in Sunday school this morning, shall we?
King David and the Ark of the Covenant Fudge
Once there was a king named David. David had excellent fine motor skills and began his meteoric rise to biblical stardom when he killed the giant, Goliath, with his slingshot. Biblical scholars all agree it would have been much cooler if David would have used a yo-yo but the only toy that had been invented up to that point was, unfortunately, the dreidel.
A couple days after David became king, he suddenly realized that what with all the slaughterings and all the crazy mix-ups with the Lord, they had completely forgotten about the Ark of the Covenant. D oy h!
When King David announced he was going to go pick up the Ark from the town of Kirjath-jearim, there was much rejoicing in the streets because not only was King David their sling-shot idol, but also he pronounced Kirjath-jearim in such a way that made it sound like “Hawaii”.
So the the entire population of Israel followed King David to Mr. Abinadab’s house in Hawaii (who had been using the ark as a coffee table) just as Mr. Abinadab and his two sons, Uzzah and Ahio, had decided to sell it in their yard sale.
When they saw that the entire population of Israel had shown up for the sale, they were flabbergasted because they hadn’t even bother to put up signs.
Luckily, the Ark of the Covenant hadn’t sold yet as Mr. Abinadab had a 25-goat price-tag on it, which was about 20 goats more than anyone was willing to pay for what looked like the world’s gaudiest coffee table. But King David was nothing if not a good negotiator:
King David: So how much you want for the gaudy coffee table?
Mr. Abinadab: We’re asking 25 goats.
King David: 25 goats? That seems a little steep. Does it come with coasters?
Mr. Abinadab: You don’t need any. You can set anything on it and it doesn’t leave a mark. I once put a hot pan of fudge on it — and not only did it NOT leave a mark, the fudge was delicious!
King David: Hm. . . well I do love fudge. Will you take 5 goats for it?
Mr. Abinadab: How about 12 goats and a chicken?
King David: I’ll give you 7 goats and half a chicken . . .
Mr. Abinadab: It will have to be 7 goats and a whole chicken since I don’t have change for half a chicken.
Everybody watched as the ark was painstakingly lifted and placed in the royal ox cart. It was pretty heavy owing to the fact that it not only contained the ten commandments on stone tablets but also Mr. Abinadab had forgotten to remove his bowling ball collection.
King David: Listen, Mr. Abinadab, since you’ve been such a good sport, I’ll give your sons the honor of driving the royal cart containing the Ark of the Covenant back to Jerusalem.
Mr. Abinadab: Uh . . . are you sure you want to do that? They just got their cart licenses and they’ve already racked up a couple of speeding tickets.
King David: Ha ha! Well that’s to be expected. Don’t tell me! 2 in a 1 zone?
Mr. Abinadab? No, 3 in a 1 zone!
King David: How is that possible?
Mr. Abinadab: Tailwind.
As the cart began to move, there was a loud burst of music as David and the Israelites (who later became the Tabernacle Choir), started singing, playing harps, timbrels, cymbals, trumpets and something called psalteries which biblical scholars believe was a type of musical pastry.
Everybody was just so darn happy until the wind picked up and Ahio took a corner a little too fast and nearly dumped the Ark. His brother, Azzuh, put his hand on the ark to keep it from falling and died instantly.
Naturally, this was a biblical buzz kill of epic proportions and King David realized that in order to carry the ark from Hawaii safely, they would have to stop every six steps and make a sacrifice to the lord which slowed down their progress considerably.
Some months later, when the Ark was finally back in Jerusalem, and King David had his feet up on his new coffee table Ark, he couldn’t help thinking about what a great guy Mr. Abinadab and his
two one son had been. Not only that, but his Ark of the Covenent Fudge was heavenly.
And there you have it, Dear Readers, this week’s edition of The Bible According to Gregory. Please come by next week at this time to see what Gregory learns in Sunday school!
Until next time . . . I love you