Welcome, Dear Readers, to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s bible stories.
In today’s Sunday school lesson, Gregory learned about how Abram gave away the spoils of war to the King of Sodom. He couldn’t help imagining how it all might have happened.
The Great King of Sodom Camel Mix-up
As you will remember from the last lesson, Abram (God’s new best friend after Noah died) had just rescued his nephew, Lot, from five evil kings with unpronounceable names who had kidnapped Lot and held him captive at Chedorlaomer. (Pronounced -Chedder-lame-o — named after a biblical tribe of people who were horrible at making cheese.)
King of Sodom, the Camel
Then everybody went back to Abram’s place and they held a big celebration with the King of Sodom and the King of Salem. The king of Salem later went on to have a cigarette named after him and, it is rumored, that the King of Sodom later went on to have a camel named after him.
The King of Salem was also a priest of The God Most High, so when everyone had finished feasting on goat hotcakes and were sitting around smoking Salem’s cigarettes, they all started yelling “Speech! Speech!” because in biblical days listening to speeches was on everybody’s bucket list, even God’s.
The King of Salem whose name was Melchizedek (Mel) took the floor:
Mel: Abram, may The God Most High who made heaven and earth bless you! Be praised, Abram, because you gave us victories over all our enemies and as a token of our appreciation we are giving you some–
Abram: Goat hotcakes?
Mel: No I was gonna say some bread and wine.
Abram: Does the bread at least come with syrup?
Mel: Sorry no.
Abram: Now wait a minute here, Mel. After going to war and defeating five kings for you and your wives and your slaves and managing to save every one of your asses, this is the thanks I get from The God Most High?
Mel: Apparently. But let me double-check my Excel Spread Stone. Let’s see . . . yup It says the standard reward for defeating five kings is Bread and Wine. The standard reward for defeating four kings is Goat Hotcakes.
Abram: I’ll take a downgrade then.
Mel: You can’t take a downgrade! Nobody ever takes a downgrade!
Abram: Yeah, well I’m Abram, and I’m best friends with the Manager, The God Most High.
Mel: Well why didn’t you say so in the first place? Just let me run it by my supervisor first.
Abram: Who’s that?
Mel: The God Most Medium.
Mel walks to a corner of the tent, closes his eyes for a few minutes and then returns.
Abram: So what’d he say?
Mel: He said he can pull some strings and downgrade you to Goat Hotcakes but only if you give away ten percent of the loot you collected from the spoils battle.
Then the King of Sodom took the floor.
King of Sodom: Look, Abram, you don’t have to give me anything. I just want all my people back. I love my people . . . maybe a little too much, but still!
Abram: “I solemnly swear before the Lord, The God Most High, Maker of Heaven and Earth that I will not keep anything of yours, not even a thread or a sandal strap!”
King of Sodom: What about buttons?
Abram: . . . and therefore, King of Sodom, you can never say, ‘I am the one who made Abram rich’ because I will take nothing for myself. And furthermore, I will accept only what my men have used.
King of Sodom: Well okay, suit yourself. So I guess the only thing left to do now is load up the spoils of war onto the The King of Sodom’s back.
Abram: I don’t believe my ears! You mean, you, the King of Sodom, will be carrying the spoils of war on your back?
King of Sodom: No silly! I was talking about King of Sodom, my camel.
And a good laugh was had by all.
And there you have it, Dear Readers. Please check back next week at this time to find out what Gregory learns about the bible next.
Until next time . . . I love you
This story was loosely based on Genesis: 17-24