Gregory’s Bible Stories: Two Wrongs Don’t Make an “ite”


Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of the Gregory’s Bible Stories.  

In today’s Sunday School Lesson, Gregory learned about how God planned to give Abram’s descendants all the land that belonged to the tribes that had names ending in “ite”.

Gregory's Bible StoriesTwo Wrongs Don’t Make an “Ite”

When last we left the Lord and Abram, (God’s new best friend after Noah died), the Lord had just commanded Abram to bring Him a cow, a goat and a ram as well as a dove and a pigeon.

Abram: Okay, Lord,  I just drove my ox cart through Mcsafcrifices and got you a Cow-Goat-Ram Happy Sacrifice Meal with a side order of Dove and Pigeon as per your command.  Let’s sit outside and enjoy it, shall we?  It’s a beautiful day.

The Lord:  Wait a minute!  I just opened my Happy Sacrifice box and I am displeased.

Abram:  Oh no, don’t tell me they forgot Your toy.

The Lord:  It seems someone failed to cut the cow, the ram and the goat in half and place the halves opposite each other in two rows like I specifically requested!

Abram:  Does that seem a tad  obsessive compulsive to you?

The Lord:  What are you trying to say?

Abram:  Well, Look how anally you always want your sacrifices laid out? If I had a ruler you’d probably want me to measure the distance inbetween each piece of meat.

The Lord:  Do you have a ruler?

Abram:  No I was just pointing out that–

The Lord:  Abram! Behold!  MaSacrifices’s put cheese on my Dove and my Pigeon!

Abram:  What’s the matter with that?  You no likee cheese, Lord?

The Lord:  Ahaha!  Oh Abram, nobody cracks me up like you do!

Abram:   Uh oh Lord!  Look out for that vulture! He’s trying to get your cheese pigeon! You better make that vulture disappear!

The Lord:  Ha ha very funny Abram.  You know I don’t make vultures disappear. That’s why I created man.

Abram:  You mean you created man to shoo away the vultures?

The Lord:  If the shoo fits . . .

Abram.  Ah ha! You’re so funny Lord!

The Lord: Well you know what they always say, “The Lord works in hilarious ways.”

After their picnic, when the sun was going down, Abram fell into a deep, deep sleep and fear and terror came over him.   (Mcsacrifices food always made him sleepy and gave him nightmares.)

The Lord:  Psst! Abram?  Are you asleep?  Well don’t bother waking up.  What I have to tell you is best heard while asleep.  Your descendants will be strangers in a foreign land; they will be slaves there and will be treated cruelly for four-hundred years.  What have you got to say about that?

Abram:  Glumpy habba woo woo hearth burl.

The Lord:  Good you’re still asleep.  Anyway some other bad stuff will happen.  But the good news is you’ll live to a ripe old age and be buried.

Abram:  Zzzzzzzzzzzzz!

The Lord:  I knew you’d love that part!

When the sun had set, a smoking fire pot and a flaming torch suddenly appeared and passed between the pieces of animals.  Then and there the Lord made a covenant with Abram.

The Lord:  Abram, wake up.  I’m going to make a covenant with you!

Abram:  What’s a covenant again?

The Lord:    I promise to give to your descendants all this land from the border of Egypt to the Euphrates River, including the lands of the Kenites, the Kenizzites, the Kadmonites as well as the Perizzites, the Hittites and the-

Abram: The Dolomites?

The Lord:  Shh!  You’re getting me mixed up on my “ites.”  Let’s see, now where was I?  Oh yes, the Hittites and the Girgashites and the-

Abram:  The Vermiculites?

The Lord:  What? No!

Abram:  The Manhattanites?

The Lord:  Abram?

Abram:  Yes Lord?

The Lord:  You’re annoying the “ite” out of me.

Abram:  You want I should shoo some more vultures?

The Lord: Si Señor.

And there you have it, Dear Readers!  What Abram learned in Sunday School this week.  Please check back next week when Abram’s wife’s slave becomes a surrogate mother and hilarity ensues.

Until next time . . . I love you

God's Covenent with Abram

God’s Covenant with Abram

 

Loosely based on Genesis 15: 9-21

 

 

33 thoughts on “Gregory’s Bible Stories: Two Wrongs Don’t Make an “ite”

  1. Dear Linda, now I am spiritually uplifted from your biblical discourse let me say HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY to you I hope it is a good one for you, surrounded by love, children and gkids all wanting your love and attention at the same time for you appear to be a very flexible if not malleable person. Have a good one.

  2. In case you didn’t know, there’s a foot of space between the post and the area for comments. I got lost for a moment. So if your comment count is what you normally expect, you know why.

    Laughed my head off.
    Did you think up, Happy Sacrifice Meal?

    • Thank you so much for pointing that out. I keep putting extra spaces in my posts like that for some reason. Probably because I’m a horrible typist. (Sometimes when I type my name it ends up with numbers in it).

      I’m so glad you liked this one Donald. I did think of Happy Sacrifice meal. I guess I was envisioning drive-thru windows on the churches of the future.

  3. “Loosely based on Genesis 15: 9-21.”

    I’ll say it is.

    Is this the same Abram who was asked to sacrifice his son Isaac? Or was that Abraham? I get them all mixed up. I always thought that was such a cruel joke. “Kill your son!” Then, at the last minute, “Just kidding! Ha!”

    • LOL! I’ll say it is. I’m trying to figure out what you mean by that. “I’ll say it is” has got to be the perfect response to anything biblical! You’re a genius!

      It probably is the same Abram. You have to imagine that the father/son walk back from that near sacrifice was pretty awkward.

  4. Dear Linda,
    I’m glad we don’t have to sacrifice all those animals today. The animal rights activist and folks from Peta would be dragging the Lord into court and suing him to Kingdom Come. Then he’d get pissed and smite them with a few plagues, which might not be a bad idea.

    • Ha ha! So true! I don’t think the Lord would take kindly to all those Peta people getting in the way of his red meat. He’d send the plague of high cholesterol down on them.

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