Welcome, Dear Readers, to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories.
Today in Sunday School, Gregory learned about God’s plan to wipe out Sodom. This week’s lesson is based loosely on Genesis 18: 16-33 if you’d like to follow along.
One day three men came to visit Abraham. Or at least they looked like three men to Abraham who was 99-years-old and hadn’t been able to find his cotton-pickin’ glasses since the dang deluge.
One of the men turned out to be The Lord, Himself, who liked to travel disguised as a man because He didn’t like getting stopped every ten minutes to pose to have his statue sculpted with hordes of Japanese tourists.
Anyway, Abraham and the three men went to a place where they could look down on Sodom. Some biblical scholars believe the place where Abraham and the three men went to look down on Sodom was on top of a hill where Abraham kept his collection of step ladders. (He was storing them for his friend Jacob.)
While Abraham and the Lord were looking down on Sodom, the Lord remarked to himself about what he planned to do regarding Sodom. He said it so so quietly to Himself that only the bible could hear: “I will not hide from Abraham what I am going to do. His descendant’s will become a great and mighty nation and through him I will bless all nations.”
Abraham: Did you just say something, Lord?
The Lord: I was just thinking about the sorry state of affairs in the city of Sodom, and that I may have to take some unpleasant action to remedy the situation.
Abraham: I know! They really ruined that place when they cut down all the trees and put in all those one-way streets.
The Lord: Yes something definitely has to be done, alright.
Abraham: Are you’re going to make them plant trees and get rid of the one-way streets then?
The Lord: No, actually I was thinking more along the lines of slaughtering every single man, woman and child.
Abraham: Whoa! I hope you’re joking!
The Lord: Oh Abraham, haven’t you spent enough time with me by now to know I have absolutely no sense of humor — and while we’re on the subject, I’d like to know what’s so damn funny about the platypus!
Abraham: But Lord, what if there are 50 innocent people living in Sodom? Wouldn’t you spare Sodom in order to save fifty innocent people?
The Lord: Meh.
Abraham: But you are the Judge of all the Earth! Shouldn’t you act justly? I may be just a man, but that’s mega messed up if you ask me.
The Lord: Oh Abraham, you’re so high strung. Okay, fine. If I find 50 innocent people living there I won’t destroy it.
Abraham: But what if you only find 45? Will you still destroy the city?
The Lord: 45? Oh I don’t know. I guess I won’t if you’re going to get all fussy about it.
Abraham: What about 40?
The Lord: Oh for crying out loud, Abraham. You’re so anal! Okay fine. I won’t massacre the entire population if there are 40 innocent people.
Abraham: What about 30 or 20 or 10?
The Lord: You’re annoying, you know that? Okay, listen, if I find there are 10 innocent people in Sodom, I’ll icksnay on the aughterslay? Happy? Now go prepare me a sacrifice. I’m starving.
Abraham: So you actually eat the sacrifices then?
The Lord: Well no . . . I . . . I just like to smell them cooking. Sometimes I eat them. It depends on how fat I’m feeling. Prepare me a goat, Abraham.
Abraham: Sorry, I sacrificed the last goat this morning.
The Lord: What about lamb?
Abraham: Fresh out.
The Lord: Okay just give me a first-born calf then.
Abraham: 86 on the first-born calves.
The Lord: Well what do you have?
Abraham: How does roasted platypus sound?
The Lord: Okay, but if there’s a bill, you’re not getting a tip.
Abraham: Lord! You sort of made a joke!
And a good laugh was had by all — except for The Lord who never got his own jokes.
And there you have it, Dear Readers, what Gregory learned in Sunday School today. Please check back next week when the three men go to Sodom and find out there’s worse things a city can have than too many one-streets.
Until next time . . . I love you