Aliens Secretly Study Humanity Under the Guise of a 1960′s Sandwich Cookbook.

Innocent cookbook or alien agenda?

I know it’s hard to believe, but after carefully examining the above peculiarly worded cookbook from the 1960′s – it quickly became apparent to me that this is not a cookbook at all, but, in actuality, is a scientific study of the human race conducted by aliens from the planet Zorin! 

Shall we turn to the first page? 

Sandwiches for the Small Fry

As you can see by this heading, the aliens are going to great pains to make us believe that they have full command of English language idioms.  Apparently they think these children are idioms.  Apparently they think the entire human race are idioms!

The aliens go on to explain to their fellow Zorinians that sandwiches in the small fry’s  “carried lunch”  should be “made of bread” and that fruit should be eaten out of  the small fry’s “hands” and that “milk should be sent from home in a small vacuum bottle”. 

The aliens stressed that Zorinians should not confuse  “Small Frys”  with “small order of fries” even though both are equally delicious.

Let us move on (quickly!):

 Taste Tempters for Teens

After much concentrated  study, the aliens have ascertained that this is a fair representation of  the typical eating behavior of the human “teen”.  And they go on to state that “teen-agers are a mystery”  — adding that “boy or girl their appetites are immense” even “staggering.”   The report emphasizes that  human “teenagers” have a “bottomless appetite” and an “endless thirst.”  Information that probably raised a Zorinian eyebrow or two (or seven).

The aliens were careful not to get too close.

Next the aliens attempt to enlighten Zorinians about the mystifying behavior of:

Picnic Packables:

As you can see from this heading, when  it comes to alliteration, the aliens are definitely on-board the human-language train!  Even going so far as to use the word, “packables”.  Well they aren’t billions of years more advanced than us for nothin’!

At first, the aliens were in total disarray as to what the father figure pictured above was doing.  But after intensified study,  the aliens came to the conclusion that this particular human being’s lower appendages had collapsed by a whopping fifty percent (perhaps from carting around Picnic Packables?) and when that happens, human beings must squeeze a circular object with their “hands” for prolonged periods of time in order to restore proper appendage positioning.

The aliens got a good laugh out of this one!

Well that’s all we have time for today, Dear Reader, but rest assured there are plenty more Secret Studies by Zorinians about the Human Race hiding within the pages of 1960 cookbooks and I plan to expose every single one of them or be abducted trying!

That is my pledge to you.

Until next time . . . I love you

Signs Your Body Has Been Taken Over by an Alien

Well it’s re-run Friday again.  And I know if you’re anything like me, you don’t like to head into the weekend not knowing whether or not your body has been taken over by an alien.  So here are the signs:

You don’t get why you can’t order Panda at Panda Express.

You often sink into a depression over having just the one head.

Oh sure you’re a cat lover, but only because they drink their milk out of  s a u c e r s .

While everybody else is drinking Margaritas, you’re drinking Margarita.

“Wait . . where’s Margarita?”

When you introduce yourself to others, you feel compelled to add that you’re “just your typical human being.”

You can’t believe you went so long never realizing how superfluous pupils were.

When nobody’s looking you turn into a writhing platter of arroz con pollo.

“DEAR GOD! IT”S ALIVE!”

You’re worried about how much longer you’ll get away with passing off the suction cup on forehead as a high-definition tattoo.

You’ve got your own way of describing the face on Mars:  MOMMY!

And the number one way to tell if your body has been taken over by an alien?

Your blood sugar plummets if you go too long without eating a puppy.

“Mmmmmmm . . . .PUPPY!”
Until next time . . . I love you

Just a quick note to all my Wonderful Blogging Buddies:

I just want to say that I have met the most wonderful people since I started blogging and thanks to all of you, my life has been greatly enriched!  I love reading your blogs!

And:

I got tagged!  I got awarded! I got milk! (Ok, I didn’t get milk!) And I want to thank you all!  I am honored and touched (in the heart as well as in the head) that you have taken the time to nominate this blog.  Your support inspires me greatly!
So thank you so much:
Until next time . . . I love you

Strange and Eerie Unexplained Jello Phenomenon

I was just wandering around in reality as I used to know it, hanging out at my favorite thrift store and going about my life as though the laws of physics still applied, when suddenly I came across this little know pamphlet depicting in great detail, the forbidden knowledge of the strange and eerie Unexplained Jello Phenomenon.

Gulp!

Oh sure, on the surface this little cookbook looks perfectly harmless:

Cookbook for Jello

Joys of Jello? Well that’s what they would LIKE us to think anyway.

And I’m sure innocent 1950′s moms bought it because they wanted to whip up a big ol’ batch of innocent Jello for their big ol’ innocent 1950′s families.

But lurking inside these mild-mannered pages are mysteries so unexplainable, so counterintuitive, so very very hard to explain that it just isn’t explainable no matter how many thesaurus’ a person owns (btw, I only own one thesaurus – as you may have guessed already).

Anyway, getting back to the strange and eerie Unexplained Jello Phonomenon. Let’s start with Exhibit A, shall we?

Obviously the government or something eerily government-like wants us to believe this is Jello.

Please!  It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see that this is actually a bona-fide real-life UFO that is obviously utilizing the thrust from an ion antimatter, strawberry propulsion system so that it can zip around planet earth causing havoc all OVER the place . . . hello

And if that isn’t enough to convince you that the laws of physics as we know them are totally bogus, may I present, as further evidence,  Exhibit B:

Jello? Are you kidding? Do I really look that naive?

I hate to be the one to have to break it to you, but this seemingly ordinary Jello Upside Down Cake, isn’t fooling anybody (except for maybe you, sorry).  

For  this, Dear Reader, is actually a crop circle.  A crop circle depicting the most beautiful and profound mathematical equation in the history of arithmetic, or failing that, in the history of Upside Down Cake.

As a matter of fact, this crop circle calculates the exact date the world will end while, at the same time, managing to make your mouth water.  And if that’s not proof of cool, other-worldly intervention, I don’t know what is. 

 And now for the final proof.  May I present: Exhibit C.  An exhibit, I might add, that puts the ex in hibit like nobody’s business.  See for yourself:

Can this get any more self-explanatory?

This strange and eerie Unexplained Jello Phenomenon is so blatantly obvious, so glaringly conspicuous, so flagrantly in your face, that I absolutely refuse to  insult your intelligence by explaining it. 

Besides I only own one thesaurus.

Until next time . . . I love you

 

50 Billion Planets and I Can’t Find My Telescope

The Daily Mail Online is a UK newspaper, and I love the way they say things:  Like today for instance.  There was a story about how Gwyneth Paltrow (in whom the UK is extremely interested) looks so slender and fit in her bikini, that she is the reason females all over the world are “weeping into their Snack a Jacks.” 

And did you know people in the UK don’t thumb through the paper; they “flick” through it? In the UK, a saggy butt is a “squishy bum” and English people never come over, they “pop over” instead.  But we would expect no less from the nation who brought us nursery rhymes.  Which is why I get all my news now from the Daily Mail Online.

Today I read in the DM’s Science and Technology Section that scientists have estimated the number of planets in the Milky Way to be 50 billion. The jury is still out on how many in Snickers. (I’ve decided to finally use that Make a Lame Joke Get Out of Jail Free card I’ve been carrying around for years.)

Anyway, at the risk of coming off as flippant, I must respond to this 50 billion planet revelation with a resounding duh.

Heelllooo!  Internet to Scientists!  Have you not noticed there is a little thing out there that Al Gore invented called the internet?  Do you not know that there are 50 billion websites dedicated to nothing but UFO’s, aliens and all things outer space-ishly freakish? 

Perhaps I should type the rest of this post in baby talk for “certain people in our society who don’t get all their science information from UFO websites” but I’ll give them the benefit of the goo goo da da doubt.

First of all, anybody worth their weight in bandwidth knows that the queen of England is a Reptilian. 

As proof, here she is resisting the urge to lap up a fly with her tongue

You see, my dear Scientific Community, Reptilians are blood-drinking, shape-shifting reptilian humanoids from Alpha Draconic star system now hiding in underground bases in Hollow Earth and are doing mean things to people. 

Obviously you woefully uninformed scientists need to read the writing on the crop circles.

Why do you men and women of science insist on always figuring out things the hard way?  You know, like reading things and writing things down, and crunching numbers and fooling around with test tubes and looking through telescopes and whatnot.

As the crop circle suggests get with it Dawgs!  By the time you figure something out you’ll be dead.  Skip to the chase Dawgs and Dawgettes, get to the bottom line, or, as you UK scientists are fond of saying, the squishy bum!  We haven’t got time as The Race of Numbered Days to be monkeying around trying to figure things out the slow way.  Let’s just go with the hearsay and be done with it.

Which means that everything we thought was true is false and everything we thought was false is true.  Stay with me here because I’m getting confused and I’m hoping you’ll be able to explain it to me later.

So let’s recap.  The earth is a hollow ball located in the cosmos of Milky Way galaxy which may or may not be filled with a creamy nugget center but, either way, has reptile people writhing around inside of it taking turns pretending to be the queen of England. Oh, and there’s 50 billion more where that came from!

It’s enough to make you weep into your Snack a Jacks!

Until next time . . . I love you