I know it’s hard to believe, but after carefully examining the above peculiarly worded cookbook from the 1960′s – it quickly became apparent to me that this is not a cookbook at all, but, in actuality, is a scientific study of the human race conducted by aliens from the planet Zorin!
Shall we turn to the first page?
Sandwiches for the Small Fry
As you can see by this heading, the aliens are going to great pains to make us believe that they have full command of English language idioms. Apparently they think these children are idioms. Apparently they think the entire human race are idioms!
The aliens go on to explain to their fellow Zorinians that sandwiches in the small fry’s “carried lunch” should be “made of bread” and that fruit should be eaten out of the small fry’s “hands” and that “milk should be sent from home in a small vacuum bottle”.
The aliens stressed that Zorinians should not confuse “Small Frys” with “small order of fries” even though both are equally delicious.
Let us move on (quickly!):
Taste Tempters for Teens
After much concentrated study, the aliens have ascertained that this is a fair representation of the typical eating behavior of the human “teen”. And they go on to state that “teen-agers are a mystery” — adding that “boy or girl their appetites are immense” even “staggering.” The report emphasizes that human “teenagers” have a “bottomless appetite” and an “endless thirst.” Information that probably raised a Zorinian eyebrow or two (or seven).
The aliens were careful not to get too close.
Next the aliens attempt to enlighten Zorinians about the mystifying behavior of:
As you can see from this heading, when it comes to alliteration, the aliens are definitely on-board the human-language train! Even going so far as to use the word, “packables”. Well they aren’t billions of years more advanced than us for nothin’!
At first, the aliens were in total disarray as to what the father figure pictured above was doing. But after intensified study, the aliens came to the conclusion that this particular human being’s lower appendages had collapsed by a whopping fifty percent (perhaps from carting around Picnic Packables?) and when that happens, human beings must squeeze a circular object with their “hands” for prolonged periods of time in order to restore proper appendage positioning.
The aliens got a good laugh out of this one!
Well that’s all we have time for today, Dear Reader, but rest assured there are plenty more Secret Studies by Zorinians about the Human Race hiding within the pages of 1960 cookbooks and I plan to expose every single one of them or be abducted trying!
That is my pledge to you.
Until next time . . . I love you