Strange Headlines from Around the World

Hello Dear Readers, I thought it might be fun to take a look at some of the strange headlines gleaned from the website: unexplained mysteries.com.

Man  Swallows a Fork

A man was hospitalized with stomach pains and was found to have had a 9-inch fork lodged inside him for a decade.

It seems the man had accidentally swallowed the fork ten years earlier but was apparently told by somebody (a somebody who was no doubt drunker than he was) that it would pass naturally from his system.

“I can’t believe it,” he is quoted as saying “I have never had any problems with my stomach except once a couple of years ago.”

Judging from this statement it is safe to assume that not only is this man a clumsy eater, but he is also completely incapable of putting two and two together.

Man survives Metal Rod through his Head

A construction worker was working on a building in Brazil when a six-foot metal bar fell from five stories above piercing his hard hat and his skull and protruded out between his eyes. He remained conscious in the ambulance on his way to the hospital where doctors were able to successfully remove it.

The man was very fortunate that there was nobody around to tell him it would pass naturally from his system.

Did Marco Polo Really Go to China?

Archeologists believe famed explorer Marco Polo may have never actually traveled to China at all, and think that it is more likely that Venetian merchant adventurer picked up second-hand stories about China and Japan which he included in his book, “A Description of the World”.

Archeologists have yet to make a formal announcement that children everywhere can stop playing Marco Polo in the swimming pool now and, in fact, should have never been playing it in the first place.   We can only hope that announcement will be coming soon.  Very very soon.

The World’s First Joke Book

A newly translated tablet from ancient Mesopotamia has provided a unique look at early humor.

Archeologists stress that while the jokes in the tablet make no sense to us today, they were highly amusing at the time.  Archeologists do not go on to say how in the world they would know something like this.

One joke not purported to be in the tablet is as follows:

Why did the chicken cross the Appian Way?

So he could stop Roman around.

Ok, it’s not funny now, but archeologists are absolutely certain that 2500 years ago, it would have killed!

One small step for . . . oh whatever

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Until next time . . . I love you

Archaeology Headlines: Breaking News About What Happened a Really Long Time Ago!

Pottery Fragments Discovered by Archaeologists from China and France (Who Got Along Really Well!)

A team of Chinese archaeologists working side by side with a team of French Archaeologists and only sometimes getting in each other’s way,  have discovered pottery fragments in a cave in Maiden, China now thought to be 20,000 years older than the pottery fragments of the Chinese family who are currently living in the cave.

“The pottery was probably used to cook food and/or water in.” Dr. Wang Lung Wang has been interpreted as saying by French Archaeologist, Jacques Pierre Jacques who claims to speak Chinese.

Pottery fragment of hunter gatherer who wasn’t very careful with his pottery.

“The pottery was used by hunter gatherers,” added Jacques Pierre Jacques, who holds a one-year Doctor of Archaeology Certificate from Yoplait Community College and who has been a leader in hunting and gathering pottery fragments of hunter gatherers for the last 37 years (except for the year he had to have his spleen removed).

In an unprecedented display of cooperation between French Archaeologists and Chinese Archaeologists, both teams agreed everyday during the excavation to order a large pepperoni pizza with olives and green peppers and split it so that both teams got exactly the same amount of slices.

The Oldest Known Rock Art in Britain Has Finally Been Discovered.

A team of French Archaeologists led by Renowned French Archaeologist, Jacques Pierre Jacques, (see above) has stumbled upon the oldest known rock art in Britain.  After tripping over some pottery fragments in a cave in Shrapnailshire, England,  Jacques Pierre Jacques (who has a terrible time seeing in the dark) stumbled upon a rendering of either a mosquito or a bison — he is unable to ascertain which one for certain until the French Archaeologists Team flashlight arrives.

Cave drawing of a mosquito or bison thought to be either 20,000 or 72, 000 years old by Jacques Pierre Jacques.

Gold Coins of the Past

Thirty Seven old gold coins produced in Holland were discovered underneath some oily rags in the basement of 1515 Cherry Rose Lane, Ottoman, Canada by Renowned French Archaeologist, Jacques Pierre Jacques while he was residing at the home of his brother-in-law, Pierre Jacques Pierre,  until some personal business of Jacques Pierre Jacques (which can all be explained) is cleared up.

Jacques Pierre Jacques estimates the coins to be worth somewhere in the neighborhood of  $25,000 in today’s dollars (Canadian).  The coins are thought to date back to the year 1732 because that is the year that is engraved on each of the coins; but Jacques Pierre Jacques insists on delivering the valuable coins, personally, to the lab for carbon dating.

Jacques Pierre Jacques has promised his brother-in-law that nothing untoward will happen to the gold coins on the way there and has even sworn as much on a stack of bibles that were produced shortly before the dawn of the middle ages.

Humorous Archaeology Happenings!

Last week in Ibuprofen, Germany,  a team of French Archeologists lead by Jacques Pierre Jacques unearthed the grave of what they thought was going to be the remains of a viking pillager villager –but turned out, instead, to be the remains of Mrs.Gustav Heidelburg who was buried just last Wednesday.

A good laugh was had by all!

Until next time . . . I love you

The Archaeology Gazette – Breaking News About What Happened A Long Time Ago!

Today’s Top Stories in Archaeology:

15,000-Year-Old Fishing Village Discovered

On the count of three, a team of French Archaeologists unearthed a 15,000-year-old fishing village off the coast of Nip, Antarctica, suggesting that early Neolithic fishermen fishing off the coast of Nip were just as cold then as they are now.

The discovery was made by Jacques Pierre Jacques, a leading French Archaeologist who has been carefully sifting through snow looking for telltale signs of a 15,000-year-old fishing village for the last 27 years. 

Last week, his dedication was rewarded when he came across several 15,000-year-old snowballs, and what appeared to be several fishing poles crudely fashioned out of 15,000-year-old snow. 

Further excavation revealed an entire village of snow huts containing snow furniture, snow utensils and even primitive, beaded jewelry made entirely of snow.

Pictured: a 15,000-year-old fishing pole and primitive necklace made entirely of snow

The team of highly-paid, French Archaeologists will be returning to Yoplait, France with their findings where they will be performing further tests on the 15,000-year-old, snow artifacts using the latest in Magnetic Resonance Imaging.  The entire team is working together to keep their fingers crossed to ensure the snow does not melt.

Was the Ice Man Coming or Going?

I think he was on his way home . . .

A Team of French Archeologists have begun a 42-year study of Otzi, the ice man who was discovered under an extremely large pile of snow in the Alps in 1991, and who, prior to that, had been missing for approximately 6,000 years.  

Experts believe that Otzi was from a nearby Neolithic farming village where a rock was recently discovered with 6,000-year-old carvings scrawled onto it.

A team of highly-paid, French Neolithic Scrawl Experts were called  to the scene and after 17 years of research – they were finally able to translate the scrawls as:  a quart of ibex milk, a pound of yak butter and a dozen eggs from any animal that happens to be laying them. 

Using the latest in Magnetic Resonance Imaging, the team of highly-paid, French Archaeologists are hoping that it will take 42 years to determine whether the 6,000 year old ice man was just leaving for the store or was just coming home from the store.

No wait a minute . . . maybe he was just leaving . . .

 

Tooth Marks Thought to Be Those of Leonardo Di Vinci

A Team of French Archaeologists have been debating whether the tooth marks embedded in a 500-year-old chocolate chip cookie found underneath a cushion of an authentic Louis the XIV sofa  (currently belonging to  Jacques Pierre Jacques) are indeed those of Leonardo Di Vinci or those of Jacques Pierre Jacques’s brother-in-law, Pierre Jacques Pierre,  who was visiting last week and complained of hunger pangs.

“Well they could be Leonardo’s teeth marks because Leonardo didn’t like nuts and there are no nuts visible . . .

Using the very latest in Magnetic Resonance Imaging the team of highly-paid, French Archaeologists are hoping to have the answer before the end of the  next century. 

Until next time  . . . I love you