The Sick, Edible Horror of 1959

Hello Dear Readers! 

Today we are going to put away our mirth, store our humor in the overhead storage compartment and put a lid on our collective jar of Hardy Har Hars — so that we may take a serious look at a trend from 1959 that is so disturbing, so bizarre, so downright twisted that, frankly,  we really don’t even want you to read the rest of the post . . . okay fine go ahead and read it . . . but you were warned!

The Edible Horror of 1959

As you can see, this 1959 cook book is trying to pass itself off as an innocent Metropolitan Cook Book featuring foods that are not only delicious and nutritious, but also, foods that appear to have a wonderful outlook on life, a cheerful disposition and an enviable outgoing vivaciousness that would light up a room!

But even though things seem innocuous enough on the surface what these pictures are actually depicting is the sick, brain-washed, utopian edible world of 1959 wherein innocent foods have been programmed into wanting to be eaten . .

As evidence, let us take a look at this unsettling illustration:

Here we have meat that has been obviously drugged so that it can be paraded before the eyes of carnivores — by its very own offspring as they wave parsley in an attempt to draw attention to their very own parent’s deliciousness!  What in heaven’s name was going on in 1959?

And in another equally troubling illustration we see this:

Here carrots, radishes and onions are happily waiting in line to be dipped into a boiling caldron of soup!  Notice the mindless smiles and the blank affectations in the eyes of indoctrinated vegetables as they so willingly and cheerfully give their lives to this 1959 Orwellian soup du jour!  Oh the vegumanity!

And it just keeps getting worse:

Here we have an apple throwing a pie in its OWN face in some sort of sick prelude to the eating of a pie made out of itself!   Thank the good lord, cruel practices such as this do not go on in the present day (except maybe in a few third world countries)!

And finally we must insist that all children be out of the room before scrolling down to this final example of 1959 edible horror:

Family Cannibalism!  Here we see a strawberry about to take a big bite of sorbet made out of Sister Strawberry!  We witness Pear munching delightedly on Brother Pear Pudding and Apple enjoying applesauce made entirely of Mother and Father Apple!

These are images that will forever sully the once pristine synapses of our heretofore innocent brains.  I’m sorry Dear Readers to have to do this to you!  But you were warned!

Until next time . . . I love you

Recipes for People Who Are all Dead Now

Hello Dear Readers and welcome to the first installment of:

Recipes for People Who Are All Dead Now

It wasn’t easy making Knox Gelatin. Just ask anybody who was born before 1925!  So, why not combine the newfangled invention of the television with gelatin recipes for people who are all dead now and put it into a book?  Apparently somebody at the Knox Gelatin Company didn’t realize the question was rhetorical.

Back in 1969, there were a lot of old people still alive who actually ate things like tomato aspic, jellied Gazpacho and Waldorf salad.

Unfortunately, all those people are dead now. Taking with them to the grave — every conceivable need for Knox Gelatin.

But don’t feel bad once way or the other, Dear Readers, because through the pages of this slightly bizarre Knox On-Camera Recipe Book from 1969,  we will examine in great detail (probably too much) some of the Knox Gelatin Recipes that made this country what it used to be.

Recipes that salute a quieter, gentler, jigglier time in our nation’s food history.

The Knox On-Camera Recipes book begins by educating us in the five types of gelatin.

This delightful red brick is an example of a simple gel.  Mix Knox Gelatin with your favorite liquid and lay it  atop (gently now!) a type of lettuce that is probably extinct now.  Slice a cucumber for charm and casually toss some olives (blindfolded) for that devil-may-care appeal.  The only thing left to do now is wander the streets looking for a person in the 110 year-old age group to eat it.

This is an example of a gelatin whip.  Which means after you make a brick of gelatin (see above) it is whipped (by whom and with what is omitted information — a 110-year-old with a cane, perhaps?) until light and fluffy causing it to become far more appealing than an aspic; but far less appealing than anything people who are all dead now could get at the ice cream parlor.

Here’s an example of unflavored gelatin snow.  It doesn’t look very much like snow or at least not very much like snow you would want to put in your mouth.  But nevertheless, gelatin snow it is!! This mixture is also whipped until light and fluffy and/or to teach it a good lesson whichever comes first.

In an effort to include something actually edible into the five types of gelatin, Knox came up with Lemon Chiffon Pie.  First it’s chilled then whipped then partially chilled yadda yadda yadda, who cares anymore.

Well this is a good one to end up with Mousse. (I know your name’s not Mousse, I just forgot the comma).  Mousse happens when a solid ingredient is added into a not-so-solid ingredient either on purpose or by mistake.  This was a favorite of people who are all dead now because there’s no whipping involved which means Gramps didn’t have to get out his cane, yet again!

And there you have it, Dear Readers, our first foray into preparing recipes for people who are all dead now. 

Until next time  . . . I love you

All dead now.

1967 Foods of the Cold War

Hello Dear Readers! Once again it’s time to stumble down memory lane via the pages of this vintage cookbook which was written during the height of the cold war.  (Not to be confused with the height of the cold cut.)

This cookbook was written during the height of the cold war.  The cold war was a war that was waged by the U.S. and the U.S.S.R.  Each side made a lot of atomic bombs and then pretended they were going to blow each other up.  Spies figured prominently in the cold war.  Their jobs were to wonder around the world with tiny cameras taking pictures of people who didn’t know they were getting their pictures taken to find out who was going to threaten whom next.  Everybody was sad when the cold war ended because movies about spies got a lot suckier after that.

Below is a dish that  is innocently called Cucumber Tongue Pie; but if you were a cold war spy, and you were served this dish, you’d know right away the server was actually saying:

Ve Have Vays of Making You Talk Casserole!

“. . . but . . . but . . . but . . . but . . . but . . . but . . . “

I know it seems cruel and inhumane from today’s standpoint, but during the cold war, both sides actually practiced this horrendous casserole form of torture.  Spies had to spill the beans or eat the entire stomach-turning entree.  Did this form of torture work?  Well, let’s just say not a single bean went unspilled.

Next we have a dish you’re sure to get a bang out of.  It’s called jeweled chicken to us laymen.  But any spy worth his weight in invisible ink during the cold war would have known immediately upon being served this dish that his days were numbered (maybe even his minutes) because in the spy world, this dish was really called:

Which Spy Will Die Russian Roulette Fry

Round and round and round she goes and where she stops nobody knows!

No other dish could make the cold war spy’s blood run cold faster than a platter of “Which Spy Will Die Russian Roulette Fry.”  This entree would be placed in the middle of the banquet table and then given a good spin by either John F. Kennedy or Nikita Khrushchev and whomever had a chicken leg pointing at them when it stopped spinning would be eliminated poi-manently!

And, finally, Dear Readers, the following dish was the dish to end all dishes, and had  world leaders shaking in their cold war boots — praying that it would never be served. Civilians such as you and I would have known this dish simply by it’s innocent name, Chicken-in-Omelet Pinwheel. But to the cold war powers that be it could mean only one thing:

The Mushroom Cloud Duck and Cover Roll

“OMG! Noooo! Please tell us those aren’t six mushroom clouds signaling the annihilation of all six continents (if you count north and south America as one continent) with California breaking off into the sea?”
“Yes it does signal exactly that!”
“We told you not to tell us that.”
“Sorry we couldn’t help ourselves because we hate the United States of America!”
“Who cares, we hate the Soviet Union more!”

We can only breath a sigh of relief, Dear Readers, that such a dish was never served to the Cold War Players.  Not only would it have meant the end of the world as they knew it, it would have also meant that somebody might have had to actually take a bite out of it.

And there you have it, Dear Readers, a little stumble back in time via vintage cookbooks of yore.

Until next time . . . I love you

The Vegetable Lady Answers Some Questions

Dear Readers!  What a treat we have in store for us today!  The Vegetable Lady has been kind enough to stop by the blog and answer some of our most pressing vegetable questions!

The Vegetable Lady will answer some questions

Our first question, Vegetable Lady, comes to us from  Reader, Phillip Flep, who asks: what is your favorite way to prepare tomatoes?

Tomatoes?  Golly Jeepers whenever I think of tomatoes, I always think of Christmas because that’s when Daddy, before he got lost at sea, would bring in a big platter of tomatoes, graham crackers and chocolate and  Mommy would set the Christmas tree on fire, and we’d make Smores!

Before Daddy bit into his, he would always say  “If I never see you again I love you,” but Golly Jeepers!  Mother and I could never figure out if he was talking to us or to the Smores.

This next question comes to us from Reader, Agamemnon Applebee, who asks: What’s the best way to get peas out of their pods?

Golly Jeepers it took Mother and I so long to figure that out!  Right after Daddy got lost at sea, we were awfully impoverished, so we had to live off peas until Mother and I  joined the circus.

Golly Jeepers!  It wasn’t easy to figure out how to get peas out of their pods until one day Mother borrowed a microscope and found out there was a teeny-tiny zipper in each pod!  Golly Jeepers!  I finally had time to get back to my sword swallowing practice after we found that out!

Our last question comes from Reader, Toots Tubaleeno, who asks:  What’s the best way to roast corn on the cob?

Well, after Mother and I joined the circus, Mother started roasting all our corn on the cob by positioning the cob between her teeth while  performing her flame juggling routine!  Golly Jeepers that was some good corn!

One night Mother set her beard on fire, which totally ruined her moonlighting job as the bearded lady in the freak show.  But Golly Jeepers! Mother sure went out on a lot more dates after that.

So let’s get this straight, Vegetable Lady, you’re telling us that your father was lost at sea, you set your Christmas Tree on fire every year to roast tomato smores, your mother is a bearded flame juggler and you swallow swords in your spare time?

Golly Jeepers!  When you put it that way it does sound a little strange.  I forgot to explain that I never swallow swords that don’t have a carrot stuck to the end!   Oh I’m so glad I remembered to add that!  Golly Jeepers! You would have thought I was pretty weird!

Well thank you for answering some questions for us today Vegetable Lady!

Golly Jeepers!  You’re welcome!

* * *

Until next time, I love you

Mary Ellen’s Helpful Hints: Or What is Mary Ellen Trying to Say?

Hello Dear Readers! Today is a life changing day.  After reading today’s post, you will not only go away a person of exemplary character, you will, more importantly, know exactly what to do to keep your liver tender!  So without further adieu, let’s start changing our lives by way of Mary Ellen’s Helpful Kitchen Hints!

This diminutive dossier written by the demure hand of Mary Ellen Pinkham back in 1980 is our golden ticket to efficiency in every single area of lives except bowling.

Let’s begin by zeroing in on some of the more riveting and exciting helpful hints:

Corn on the Cob Not in the Teeth!

This is just the kind of hint we love Mary Ellen so dearly for.  In a mere 19 words, Mary Ellen has managed to solve the centuries-old heartbreak of that awkward, corn-silky smile!  Oops, I think Mary Ellen forgot to mention to be sure to remember to clean off your husband’s toothbrush and put it back just as he left it when you’re done de-silking corn with it. (He’ll never know!)  Oh Mary Ellen, you sly one you!

Mary Ellen’s Cottage Cheese Discovery

After years of exhaustive testing, Mary Ellen can finally say that cottage cheese stays fresher longer when stored upside down in the refrigerator just like Mary Ellen’s cat does, and just like Mary Ellen’s parakeet does and just like Mary Ellen’s husband does!  Who knew? (Mary Ellen knew that’s who!)

 Feats with Meats Not to Be Confused with Meat with Feets

Oh we’ll be thanking our beloved Mary Ellen for years to come for this one!  Simply go to your local hardware store and find something shaped like a tube, like maybe a pipe.  Then stop off at the welders and have it welded into the length of a package of bacon.  After that, there’s only one more stop to make at Office Depot where you can purchase rubber bands.

Now, Mary Ellen doesn’t make mention of what size the rubber bands should be, but listen, Mary Ellen knows there are some just things in life we have to figure out for ourselves, Dear Readers, and I’m afraid this is one of them.

But it will all be worth it because, in the long run, we’ll be saving ourselves valuable time when it comes to  peeling one piece of bacon apart from the one it’s stuck to.  And what could be better than that?  The answer is zilch, people, zilch!

High Liver High Liver High Lo

And now for the pièce de résistance, Dear Readers!  The reason that you have read thus far and that is to find out the all important information of how to keep your liver tender!  Well, our Dear Mary Ellen simply takes the liver, soaks it in milk, refrigerates  it two hours, dries it, breads it and sautes it.

Well, if it worked for the livers of Mary Ellen’s cat and Mary Ellen’s parakeet and Mary Ellen’s husband, whose to say it won’t work for us, Dear Readers?

Until next time (when we discuss how Mary Ellen will be removing her mustache) . . . I love you

Vingate Nineteen Seventy-Icks Time-Killing Recipes

Hello Dear Readers! It’s Monday morning again! Which means we’ve all got some pushy little To-do Lists yapping at our heels. 

Well, what better way to ignore such things than by taking time out to relive the tedious days of 1970′s, a decade when time oozed by slower than a drug-free Tour de France.

And to that end, let us open this 1976 McCall’s Cooking School magazine and see how people killed time by cooking disgusting-looking dishes back in, what I like to call, 197-icks:

It’s not just a magazine, it’s an icky cooking school!

Now having lived through the 1970′s,  I can vouch for the fact that life in the 70′s was extremely boring and tedious.

On any given day your choices to kill time boiled down to 1) watching a rerun of Maude 2) macrameing a hanging plant holder or 3) whipping up something god-awful like this:

Slabs of gray chicken slowly and painstakingly placed amid balls of dough gussied up with individually placed chives guaranteed to kill 4 to 5 hours of 70′s mind-numbing tedium.

This 197-icks take on Chicken and Dumplings killed two chickens with one stone.  The placement of the chives alone served to distract one from the 70′s monotony for several hours, but what killed a far bigger chunk of time was trying to find someone who would actually eat it.

Here’s a time-consuming dish that McCall’s Cooking School called French.

This 197-icks French Casserole called for goose. A boon to 70′s cooks, because, as everyone knows, wild goose chases are hugely time-consuming.

In the description, McCall’s is bandying around the word melange. Naturally this word melange was a big plus to 70s cooks, as it would have required a time-consuming trip downtown to the main library (the one with the really big dictionary) to look up the word melange — taking up an entire day and bringing them just that much closer to the end of the decade!

In the 70′s there were so many people dying to kill time that McCall’s Cooking School  magazine was thoughtful enough to include this “Too Many Cooks in the Kitchen Pie”

The preparation of this mincemeat pie managed to kill many hours of tedium for as many as five cooks.

If you look at this mincemeat pie (not too closely though unless you have your Tums nearby), you can see that the preparation required:

 A Melissa to not only prepare the dough from scratch, but also, to perform the lengthy process of braiding it as well (killing 17 hours)

A Kimberly to slowly transfer the hand-whipped, whipped cream  into a cake-decorating funnel so that each and every squiggle could be thoroughly obsessed over (killing 22 hours)

A  Jessica to mince the meat over and over and over and over until 7 hours was up (killing 7 hours)

A Stephanie to eat the grape bunch down to a suitable size that would fit picturesquely upon the pie –  choking on several for ten minutes at a time (killing 45 minutes)

And, finally, a Heather to garnish the grapes with the leaves she found after scavenging the neighborhood all night long (killing 12 hours).

Rest assured, Dear Readers that even though the decade of the 70′s was one of the most boring decades to ever grace the pages of a calendar, The McCall’s Cooking School magazine did it’s level best to help us kill the time ad nauseam. 

And for that we shall  be forever sort of grateful.

Until next time . . . I love you

Ten Simple Steps to Making Scientific Salad Dressing

Hello Dear Readers and welcome to Fish if From the Archives Friday at the blog!  This is where I trot out old posts I’ve written and try to pass them off as new. Today the “Joes” are going to teach us how to make Scientific Salad Dressing.  Hope you’re up for a little lesson, Dear Readers!  And good news, because it’s Friday, there will not be a test!

Today Dear Readers, I have a special treat in store for you!

I managed to track down a group of elusive scientists and talk them into showing us how to make oil and vinegar salad dressing the scientific way:

First, let’s meet The Scientists:

“Hi! My name’s Joe.”

“Hi!  My name’s Joe too.”

“Hi!  My name’s Joe but people call me Joe!”

“Hi I’m Joe and I’m about as Joe as it gets.”

Let’s take a minute to give our Salad Dressing Scientists a round of applause!

And now . . .how to prepare Oil and Vinegar Salad Dressing the Scientific Way!

Step One:  Reconfigure your kitchen refrigerator so that the reciprocating compressors are working to maximum capacity.

Uh oh!  Watch your step there Joe!

Oh sure it sounds like a lot of work, but really all you have to do is climb up in your kitchen attic (every kitchen has one) and disassemble the compressor.  Vacuum the dehydration system and viola!  Accessible Hermetic Compressors!  Who knew it would be so simple!

Step Two: Stick an olive on the end of a lead pipe.

That’s right!  Just like that!

This will give “slow” Joe (the Joe that’s always getting in everybody’s way) something to do while the other Joe’s continue to prepare the scientific salad dressing.   (Slow Joe LOVES eating olives off lead pipes.)

Step Three:  Adjust the Atmospheric Pressure Valves according to the atmospheric Pressure, PSIA.

OK, this is kind of a pain, but really it’s simply a matter of finding your kitchen’s cellar (every kitchen has one) and going down there and adjusting the knobs until the calibration level is 11.336.847.11111.0000.1.2.2.f.3.4.

If Joe can do it so can you!  Oh and don’t forget to wear rubber gloves!

Step Four:  Take one large Baskin Robbins container, eat all the ice cream out of it, then fill with oil and pour onto the  Refrigeration Compressor

Do it this way like Joe is only don’t get it all over the place like Joe always does.  Joe’s whole house smells like an oily rag!

Step Five:  Stick another olive on a lead pipe and hand it to “slow” Joe as by now he has probably figured out how to put the last one into his mouth.

Poor guy is addicted to these things!

Step Six:  Go to Costco and buy two restaurant sized jars of pickles, eat all the pickles out of each and pour oil in one and vinegar in the other.  (Be sure to remove the finely divided carbon so as not to restrict oil flow, but that goes without saying, of course!)

Make sure the liquid in both containers is Even Steven.

Step Seven:  Pour a little out of both jars onto some lettuce making sure to strain out soluble or entrained metal salts and oxides.

This is a critical step in which everything could go horribly wrong due to low-side pressure in the evaporator — but as long as there is no drop in pressure in the suction line everything should taste pretty darned delicious!

Step Eight:  Have Head Honcho Joe give it a taste test!

Uh oh!  Head Honcho Joe isn’t pleased with the consistency and, unfortunately,  it’s far too late to do anything about that!

Step Nine:  Draw Head Honcho Joe a scientific diagram of just exactly what went wrong with the scientific salad dressing, scientifically.

This will explain everything.

Step Ten:  Offer Head Honcho Joe an olive on a lead pipe and keep feeding them to him until he ingests so much lead he can’t tell a Critical Property of Refrigerant from a Pressure-Temperature Refrigerant! HA!

Mmmmmm . . . .me really starting to likee these things says Head Honcho Joe!

And there you have it, Dear Reader.  How to make scientific salad dressing Ten Simple Steps!

Until next time . . . I love you

The Pillsbury Cookbook People of 1967

Hello Dear Readers!  Today we will be thumbing through this 1967 Pillsbury cookbook to see if we can get a glimpse into the lives of the people who populated the 1967 pages of Pillsbury’s world of cooking.

Join me as I open some pages, won’t you?

Much of Marriage happens in the kitchen?  Get out!

Here we find Über Exuberant Pillsbury Husband and Pillsbury Wife happily enjoying quality togetherness perusing the pages of their Pillsbury Cookbook, the pillar upon which their Über successful marriage is entirely based.

Candlelight remembered . . . That little restaurant . . . His laughable attempts to duplicate a secret sauce . . . because in 1967 Pillsbury Husbands were apparently total bozos . .

Of course, in 1967 not only was Pillsbury Husband a Bozo, so was his offspring, Pillsbury Bozo Junior.

Here we get a glimpse into the mind of Pillsbury Bozo Junior.  While most boys his age were dreaming about hitting home runs or winning the Indianapolis 500, Pillsbury Bozo Junior was dreaming

about this:

A bowl of technicolor yawn enclosed inside a tumorous spleen!

and this:

A vision of rolled turkey roast and Jiffy Quick Dressing with Snappy Sweet Potatoes . . . shh . . . don’t snap too loudly Snappy Sweet Potatoes or you’ll awaken Pillsbury Bozo Junior from his glutenous slumber!

Oh and we can’t forget this:

Pancreas stuffed Pumpkin pie and candied Christmas Balls! Sleep tight precious, Pillsbury Bozo Junior, sleep tight.

And just as the people who populated the Pillsbury Cookbook of 1967 were starting to get boringly predictable –

–with all their joy and all their internal organs galore — The Pillsbury Cookbook People of 1967 suddenly throw in this thought-provoking page of strangeness:

So ask not for whom the bell tolls, Dear Reader, it tolls for thee Pillsbury Cookbook People of 1967.

Until next time . . . I  love you

Your 1977 Guide to Over-Handling Food

Hello Dear Readers!  I thought it might be fun to take a look at the way food was prepared back in 1977, a year where absolutely nothing happened and there wasn’t anything to do but play around with  food.

Join me now, won’t you?  As we infiltrate the space/time continuum by whizzing back to 1977 via the pages of McCall’s Cook School!

It’s not just a magazine it’s a school for cooking!

First up is this delightful Golden Seafood Platter:

Could it be arranged in a more delectable manner?

To the untrained eye, this seafood platter might appear unimaginative, but to McCall’s cooking school graduates this is a study of  perpendicular proportions!

For you see, each piece of fish has been magnetically lined up with true north using a cooking compass/thermometer.  And each shrimp has been carefully hand-placed to align with Orion’s Belt after Orion had to let it out a couple notches due to eating too much seafood.

Then there’s this well-groomed platter of chicken and potatoes!

Counter clockwise never looked so delicious!

To get this random look just right, McCall’s Cooking School dictates that one must first arrange the chicken in a counter-clockwise direction and then walk across the room and toss the potatoes onto the plate one at a time which is the secret to giving any dish that coveted un-fussed with appeal that McCall’s Cooking School is trying their darnedest to get the hang of.

Blanquette De Veau and You!

Think in terms of French Navy when arranging this dish.

Leave it to McCall’s Cooking School to find an educational way to bring together the French Navy, The Middle Ages and veal!  As you can see, the miniature carrots have been arranged in the exact formation as the cannons on French war ships during the battle of   . . . everybody say it together — The Siege of La Rochelle!

As you can also see, the mushrooms have been mathematically placed exactly where they would have landed had they actually been shot out of the carrot cannons –which could account for why the French lost the battle of –everybody say it together — The Siege of La Rochelle!

McCall’s Cooking School Says this is the Standard Dish That Belongs in Every Good Cook’s Repertoire

Chicken Leg Parsley Exultation

If there’s one thing McCall’s Cooking School is big on it’s that it doesn’t really matter how food actually tastes as much as it does how well food stays together without getting out the glue gun.

In that vein,  they present to us their PhD of food arrangement:   Chicken Leg Parsley Exultation de Biscuit. Because in the year 1977,  if a dish wasn’t a shrine to something; it really wasn’t anything at all.

And there you have it Dear Reader!  Thank you for agreeing to  infiltrate the space/time continuum by whizzing back to 1977 via the pages of McCall’s Cook School!  It probably wouldn’t hurt to go comb your hair a little bit.

Until next time. . . I love you

Pushing Spanish Olives Down Our 1958 Throats

Hello Dear Readers! Today as a special treat, we will be revisiting the Imported Spanish Olive Industry of 1958 through the pages of this glorious pamphlet:

The Magic of Olives with 35 delicious new recipes from 1958!

How the Imported Spanish Olive Industry all Began

Legend has it that back in 1958, a brave Madison Avenue Advertising Executive hitched a ride on a steamboat to a land called Spain where he promptly fell into a siesta (which loosely translated means asleep) under a Spanish Green Olive Tree.

When he awoke, he was famished and picked a Spanish Green Olive off a branch of the tree, thinking it a very strange little Spanish apple of some sort and popped it into his mouth after which he exclaimed “Ay Carumba!  And viola! just like that the Imported Spanish Green Olive Industry of 1958 was born!

The next thing you know, Imported Spanish Olives of 1958 were spicing up practically every dish in America, Canada, and most of Nova Scotia in concoctions like Hacienda Chicken.

This dish is called Hacienda Chicken which loosely translated means Hacienda Chicken

In this dish, we are experiencing the joy of Imported Spanish Olives as they siesta (see above for translation) atop an unmade bed of rice — lending much-needed pizazz to the orange objects which deductive reasoning tells us must be the Hacienda Chicken!

Next up we have Olive Salmon Noodle Ring:

This dish is called Olive Salmon Noodle Ring which loosely translated means Hacienda Chicken

In this dish, North Americans of 1958 could experience the magic of  the noodle-salmon- olive teaming the likes of which hadn’t been experienced since the Spanish Conquistadors threw After Conquer Parties in the corridors of the Nina, the Pinta and the Santa Maria!

And notice how the Imported Spanish Olives lend an air of importance to the  salmon.   Surrounding it as if to say, “I’m circling you Mr. Senor or Mr. Senorita!

And finally there’s this shameless blatant shout out to the Spanish Olive:

What this sandwich lacks in imagination it makes up for in Imported Spanish Olives!  The idea being that even the simplest of North American dishes of 1958 could be made just that much better through the stacking, piling and/or slathering on of Imported Spanish Olives!

And if this doesn’t make the average household of North American want to run to (or possibly from) the dinner table, the Imported Spanish Olive Industry of 1958 doesn’t know what will!

Until next time . . . I love you

The Further Adventures of the Casserole People of 1965

Hello Dear Readers!  Remember our favorite family, the Perfects, who live out their perfectly happy lives within the pages of a 1965 Casserole Cookbook?

The Perfects, Father Ken, Mother Kendra, Fine Young Lad Kenny and Girl the Size of a Newborn Baby with Abilities and Hair Far Beyond Her Years, What’s Her Name

Well this blog is saddened to report that the Perfects have been having a little problem with Perfect Father Ken.  Lately his behavior has become a little uh . . .well see for yourself:

It all started out one fine morning in the Casserole People Cook Book just after the page had been turned.  Everything was going along as usual.  Perfect Mother Kendra was mixing up a batch of  hot cake casserole and Fine Young Lad, Kenny, and Baby Sister, What’s Her Name, were helping their mother — dressed up in finery with matching chef hats as usual.  Even their dog, Spot, was fully present in both mind and spirit!

But where was Perfect Father Ken?

Instead of going to the office, where Perfect Father Ken had been cheerfully employed everyday of his life since he was six months old, Perfect Father Ken had decided, instead, to enlist the help of the family mouse, KenKen to help him knit.  Naturally Perfect Mother Kendra and the Perfect children handled this very strange turn of events by pretending it just wasn’t happening.

Later that day, Perfect Mother Kendra tried to broach the subject with her Perfect Neighbor Nan.

“Say, Nan, I have a rather awkward question to ask you.  I’m having a little problem with my Perfect Husband, Ken.”
“Shoot!”
“Well, uh . . does your husband, Ned, ever have a nervous breakdown?”
“Oh is that all? I thought you were going to say your Perfect Husband, Ken, was irregular!  Listen, my Ned is always having nervous breakdowns.  And when that happens, I merely give him Seconal! I’ve got an extra bottle. I’ll let you have it.”
“Thanks Nan! You’re a sport!”
“Don’t mention it. After all, what are neighbors for?”

Perfect Neighbor Nan gave Perfect Mother Kendra an economy-sized bottle of Seconal.  Mother Kendra quickly ran home for it was nearly time to prepare the lunch casserole.

The Perfect children watched enraptured as Perfect Mother Kendra prepared two casseroles, one for the children and herself, and one especially for Perfect Father Ken.

When she was done she put them both on the table.

“I must remember that this lunch custard casserole is the one that has the Seconal for Father, and this lunch custard casserole doesn’t . . . or is it the other way around?”

After lunch, Perfect Father Ken took the Perfect children out to play.  When Perfect Mother Kendra peeked outside and saw Perfect Father Ken playing with the Perfect children, she was very much relieved by what she saw.

Perfect Father Ken was back to being his old self!

Perfect Mother Kendra made a mental note to thank her Perfect Neighbor Nan by baking her a Seconal Luncheon Custard Casserole for her lunch tomorrow!

Until next time . . . I love you

Fish It From The Archives Friday: Foodie: To Be or Wanna Be

Gosh I wish I was a Foodie!  If I’m going to carry around extra weight with me everywhere I go, I wish I could at least really enjoy the food I’m eating too much of.

At no time in the  history of the human race have so many wonderful food choices been so readily available.  Yet, do I bother to partake of the exciting noshing to be had from our modern-day food flotilla of stupendousness?

Not really.  I usually just slap some Country Crock on a bagel call it lunch.

My food choices are as marginal as they are margarine.

But why eat this boring choice when I could easily gather together every item it would take to make, say, Holiday Chutney –which I came across seconds ago by googling the Food Network website and picking ”Holiday Chutney” at random.

So here’s Cathy from the Food Network under whose tutelage I could explore the excitement of cooking a Foodie-type dish such as “Holiday Chutney”.   After all, Cathy, who has a pretty good job, seems hell-bent on it.

“I’m going to figure out how to eat this thing if it’s the last thing I do!”

First Cathy tells us to bake this teeny decorative pumpkin and then remove all the seeds from it – which is what Cathy says she likes  . . . no make that LOVES doing.

“Yaaahooooeeeeee!”

Well, see that’s the difference between me and Cathy.  Cathy enjoys this type of activity which means she’s living her life to the fullest. Cathy is living in the “now”.

As you can see, Cathy is living in a more fun “now” than the “now” I’m living in.

And I admire Cathy’s ability to derive so much joy from something like de-seeding a miniature decorative pumpkin. I really do.

As for myself . . . well I suppose if I were to suddenly develop an overwhelming craving for miniature decorative pumpkins – due to a serious deficiency in Vitamin A  (probably as a result of eating nothing but  bagels and margarine)  AND if I was stranded at, say, at the North Pole and the only thing  I could scrounge up was a  dusty miniature decorative pumpkin left over from Santa’s rockin’ Halloween party, I’m  sure I would put as much umph into de-seeding the darn thing as Cathy does, okay?

Holiday decor stuffed with chutney never looked so edible!

So my hat’s off to you, Cathy.  There’s a talent in making Halloween Decor look edible which is something you obviously have in spades!

I just wish I could have seen the look on your face when you picked it up and took a great big ol’ scrumptious bite out of it.

What’s that?  You didn’t eat any?  Well, probably because you’re not hungry, that’s all.

I’ll bet you anything Cathy will take it home with her tonight and maybe later on try feeding it to her little pet guinea pig, Charlie, or failing that, try feeding it to her little husband, also Charlie (just coincidentally).

Whoa Charlie! Save some room for holiday chutney!

So maybe I’ll give this Foodie thing a try. I was going to have a bagel with margarine on it for supper, but now Cathy has me inspired.

I’m looking around this very minute trying to find something to stuff with chutney. And even though I don’t have any chutney, per se, I’m pretty sure I can figure out a substitute.

Well, let’s see . . . I could grab a ball off the Christmas tree, it’s hollow . . .  . . . I’ve got some Cheez Whiz . . . maybe I could get the guinea pig involved somehow . . . if you need me I’ll be in the kitchen . . .

Until next time . . . I love you

How to Tell if You’re Going to Overdo Thanksgiving

Hello Dear Readers!  I love Thanksgiving!  It’s one of my favorite holidays.  Every year I cook for my family and every year I look forward to it with great pleasure.  Maybe a little too much pleasure.  That’s why I’ve come up with this list of warning signs on how to tell if you are going to overdo Thanksgiving.

You’ve replaced the phrase “I love you” with the phrase “Olive you”.

You just got back from Potato Mashing Immersion Camp.

You’ve instructed your surgeon to break ground on that new stomach addition.

“So the way I see it, we can knock out a wall between the belly and the button, and we should have room for an entire bowl of mashed potatoes and gravy.

In preparation for the big feast, you’ve managed to diet down to a size bite.

Even if you were to carry out pi to a million decimals, all forms of pi will be polished off by Friday.

“Of course I didn’t eat all the pumpkin pie! You know I only like apple.”

You’ve taken to sleeping on a pillow of mini marshmallows.

Thanks to you and your voluminous Yam Stockpile the earth will be taking 6 days longer to orbit the sun.

“Gosh this week is really dragging by. What day is it?”
“Yamsday.”
“Still?”

You made an appointment with your dentist to get your teeth sharpened.

Your new gravy boat sleeps six.

“Move over!”
“No you!”

Your husband Tom is slightly worried about you because his name is Bill.

You’ve been preheating your oven since the 4th of July.

You refuse to read, watch or listen to  anything that isn’t about Jello.

“Honey! Come quick! Look!  There’s Bigfoot!”
“Is he in the form of a Jello mold?”
“No.”
“Is he carrying Jello?”
“No.”
“Then I’m not going to look.”

And the most obvious way to tell if you’re going to overdo Thanksgiving:

Your appendix has been officially called back into active duty for the stomach reserves.

“Ten Hut!”

 

Until next time . . . Olive you

More 1967 Italy Food Recipes from Ruth Conrad Bateman

This 1967 recipe booklet features recipes by Italy Expert, Ruth Conrad Bateman.

Dear Readers. Back in 1967, the reigning queen when it came to Italy Food was this woman.

Ruth loves to cook Italy food but don’t bother Ruth when she is cooking Italy food or talking about cooking Italy food. Can’t you see she’s trying to concentrate?  Ruth is an expert on Italy food. Ruth looked Italy up in a World Atlas. Did you know Italy is shaped like a boot? Ha! Ruth Conrad Bateman didn’t think so.

Now this isn’t the first time this blog has fallen all over itself pointing out the Italy food cooking expertise of Ruth Conrad Bateman, but, obviously,  this blog just can’t get enough of Ruth Conrad Bateman! And who could?

Let’s look a little closer at Ruth’s deep understanding of a country you may or may not have heard of before called Italy.  Here is just a smattering of Ruth Conrad Bateman’s Italy food wisdom. Ruth says:

Good advice, Ruth Conrad Bateman.  So allow this blog to summarize Ruth’s wonderful advice, if it may be so bold:

• When Italy people get sauced, they want more pasta than sauce, and they like their pasta dressed in butter and cheese.
  
• When American people get sauced, they want more sauce than pasta and they don’t care what it’s wearing.
  

Next here’s Ruth Conrad Bateman’s explanation for how Italy people cook eggplant the Italy way like Italy people do.

Good advice again, Ruth Conrad Bateman! (How does she do it?)  So allow this blog to summarize Ruth’s wonderful advice for broiling  Italy Egg Plant, the Italy way, if it may be so bold:

• Broil some eggplant

And finally, Ruth Conrad Bateman sets us straight about Italy Meat Sauce Bolognese:

Ruth Conrad Bateman says this Italy sauce is for cannelloni, spaghetti and other pasta. What other pasta?  Ruth Conrad Bateman says if she is granted an audience with the pope who actually lives in Italy and if he gives her a special dispensation to disclose the other pasta  . . then maybe she’ll tell us what it is but don’t  get your hopes up because Ruth Conrad Bateman is kind of a little brat especially about Italy stuff.

Ruth tells us that this recipe for Meat Sauce Bolognese is made of Italy Bologna in the town of Bologna which is the Eating Capital of Italy. This blog doesn’t even have to look at Ruth Bateman’s recipe for Meat Sauce Bolognese in order to summarize it:

• Even though this Italy recipe is full of Italy balogna
• It will never be as full of Italy balogna as the weird and wonderful Italy Food Expert Ruth Conrad Bateman!

Uh oh . . . is it this blog’s imagination or is Ruth Conrad Bateman giving us the  Italy evil eye?

Is this the Italy Evil Eye of Ruth Conrad Bateman?

Uh . . . this might be a good time to bid you Salve! Dear Readers — which is Italy talk for “bye”.

Now  . . slowly . . . very slowly . . . let’s just . . . back out . . .  of . . . the . . . . room . . . shh . . .

Until next time . . . I love you.

Vintage Foods from Nineteen Eighty Eww

Hello Dear Readers.  Hey!  Look what I found from 1982! 

In an effort to include everybody on the face of the earth, this 1982 Time Saver’s Cook Book bills itself as “A People’s Friend Special” with more than 300  money-stretching recipes not to be confused with more than 300 stomach-stretching recipes.

Today we are taking a little trip back in time to the year 1982.  A time when it was considered attractive to wear football shoulder pads underneath all your dresses and a time when every wishbone wish in America was to wake up with cowlicks covering 90 percent of your head.

“Hey, How’d you get your hair to go so good?”
“I wished for cowlicks.”

Let’s take a closer look at the 80′s through the pages of  A People’s Friend Special, Time Saver’s Cook Book and see what people considered edible back in 1982 or as it is sometimes referred to by Food Historians 198eww.

Super Waffles 198eww Style

Now here’s a real 80′s treat!  Waffles covered with things that don’t go with waffles at all. Like tomatoes!  And kidneys! And whatnot!

The recipe says:
Sausage and Tomato and waffles . . .okay
Spicy Bacon and waffles . . . okay
Savory Kidney and waffles . . . uh well, I prefer savory pancreas on my waffles but maybe that’s just me.

Let’s take a closer look at the 198eww deliciousness:

“Dear God! It’s moving!”

Although this looks a bit suspicious, the recipe absolutely insists this is a waffle and not a shingle!  Therefore, what is on it is not what you’re thinking is on it even though it looks exactly like what you’re thinking is on it.

But please don’t think about what’s on it anymore, Dear Readers, because you wouldn’t want to ruin your appetite for:

Whatever This Is

Here’s a chicken recipe that calls for Kellogg’s Bran Flakes. I know you’re  probably thinking the same thing I am right now which is : K E Double L O Double Good! But let’s not be too hasty, Puddin’ (a little cookbook humor, hope you don’t mind) This 198eww recipe is called Crunchy Chicken. But whatever happens when you bite into it, try to remember above all else that it is supposed to be crunchy.

And finally our Pièce de résistance  from 198eww:

Speghetti O Noooooooooo! Pie.  Among other strange items, the recipe calls for one pound of puff pastry thawed.  So at least it’s got thawed pastry going for it!  The recipe also cries out for frankfurters, mushrooms and one beaten (within inches of its life I’ll bet) egg.

Unfortunately there is nothing in the ingredients that would account for the unidentified miscellaneous chunks floating around at large (and small).  Well, we must remember that in the 198eww, absolutely nothing made sense.  Even though we loved pretending it did!

And on that thought, I leave you with:

“Smile.”
“I am smiling.”

Until next time . . . I love you

Picture credits: Detox Zebra.com http://www.zebradetox.com/funny-pictures/extreme-80s-haircuts/

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