The Dammit Brothers Funeral Chapel Survey

Welcome Dear Readers.  I have a confession to make.  Everyday I’ve got about one productive hour in me, everything else is mulling. 

And because I’m so lazy, I’ve only got one item on my bucket list: death (the letter ‘d’ actually but I’ll remember).

Unfortunately, I’m at an age where if I died and somebody read about it in the newspaper instead remarking, “oh how sad,” they’d just say, “well she was getting up there.”

So I wasn’t surprised when this offer came in my mailbox from the Dammit Brothers Funeral Chapel for “My Final Wishes Organizer” . . . Absolutely free!

My Final Wishes Organizer

And all I have to do is answer the Dammit Brothers Funeral Chapel’s short, tiny, little two-page survey and then what? I get my Final Wishes Organizer, that’s what!

So here’s my answers to the Dammit Brothers Funeral Chapel Survey, which I’ve taken the liberty of tweaking just a little bit to make it more enjoyable in an attempt to make it up to myself for having such a sucky bucket list.

Dammit Brothers Funeral Chapel Survey

How much do you expect to pay for your funeral?  0-$2000, $2,000-$4,000, $4,000-$6,000, $6,000 – $8,000, $8,000-$10,000? Or over $10,000.

I’m not paying anything.  Why else would I be dying?

Is there an honorably discharged veteran in your household?  If not please explain.

Does unhonorably count?  Because sometimes I hear someone ripping cardboard and smell the odor of Mark-a-Lot drifting through the air in the middle of the night and every once in a while I come upon a shopping cart in the living room, but, you know what?  I’m still going to say no.

If so, was it within the last 12 months?  The last 12-24 months?  Or over 2 years ago?

I said no Dammit!  Brothers!

Does your family have life insurance that is allocated for funeral arrangements in the event of your death?

They haven’t said anything about it. I think it’s a surprise.

If you have given thought to this subject which burial would you choose for yourself  —  burial or cremation? 

I don’t know, I keep waffling.  Is waffling an option?

Would you be willing to pay $500 extra to have the Brooklyn Bridge renamed after you once you’re, you know  . . . ?

You mean once I’m dead?

Yeah that.

I guess.

Are you sure there’s not a discharged Veteran in your household? Did you look under the bed?

Dammit Dammit Brothers!  NO!

Are your loved ones and family members aware of what you desire for your own arrangements?

Of course.  They know I love Burger King and felt what else do they need to know?

How important to you, personally, is the location of the funeral home?

It’s important to me personally that it be located right next to a Burger King or a store that sells felt.

Are you absolutely certain you don’t have a veteran in your household?

You know what?  I’m getting pretty tired of your stupid survey, Dammit Brothers.

Okay,  but we hope you know that by getting tired of our stupid survey you’re forfeiting your “My Final Wishes Organizer” . . . Absolutely Free! 

But will I still get the Brooklyn Bridge named after me?

Only if you send The Dammit Brothers Funeral Chapel a cashiers check for $500 made out to the Dammit Brothers.

Okay.

Do you promise? Cross your heart? Hope to die? Stick a needle in your eye?

That depends.  How much are the needles?

$7.50 a piece.

How about two for a dollar.

Mmmm . . . Okay sure.

Will you throw in a “My Final Wishes Organizer” too?

We’ll have to go talk to our supervisor.  Wait here . . . 

Well, Dear Readers, it looks like negotiations are going to be going on for a while  so you might as well sneak out for lunch.  Hey if you happen to be going by a Burger King . . . well no never mind, I’ve got a bag of peanuts in my felt purse.  Wish me luck!

Until next time . . . I love you

 

 

 

AARP: Making Getting Old and Dying FUN!

Welcome Dear Readers.  Good News!  We’re going to get old!  We’re going to die! And it’s going to be so much frigging  FUN!

And all because of AARP.  Everybody’s “Getting Old and Dying” BFF!

 In fact!  I think we should click on The Stars and Stripes Forever before we continue and take a moment  to celebrate this inevitability, not only in our hearts, but also,  in our ears as well  because, after all,  the word “hear” is just the word “heart” without the “t’.

Are you ready for the “Getting Old and Dying” AARP  good news?

Before we continue, I have to issue a word of caution:  Those of you who AARP has pegged as  “getting old and dying” need to be warned that AARP is pretty sure  this news is going to blow your orthopedic socks off your crippled, bunion-covered feet!

 The Drumroll Please!

Anybody have a kleenex?

That’s right, Dear Readers, I’ve been approved for AARP  Life Insurance! That means they are giving me permission to die any time now and/or at my earliest convenience!  Talk about a cause for whoopin’ it up!!

I don’t know how the Vernon Family will celebrate getting money from my AARP Whole Life Insurance once I’m dead, but I kind of hope it’s with a Hootenanny or at the very least a HootenGranny.  (Sorry for the bad joke, I’m old, I’m going to die and my bunions are killing me!)

But wait!  There’s more!   Included in this AARP Life Insurance offer is this inexplicable AARP Medicare Supplement Plan Brochure:

Linda Vernon Humor AARP Send up

Huh?

I don’t know what to make of this, Dear Readers.   Why do these two people represent a team?  And why are they playing softball with a grapefruit?

Oh!  Perhaps  AARP is just messing with my pre-posthumous synapses yet again? (Oh that AARP, always with the jokes! Hahaha!)

Oh wait . . . maybe the two people represent an Ebony and Ivory thing!  That would be apropos, I suppose, because, I don’t know about you, Dear Readers, but the song Ebony and Ivory, does make me want to die.

Now don’t worry  if you are having trouble wrapping your posthumous-synapsed brain around any of the AARP’s “Growing Old and Dying” money-making offers.  They’ve anticipated your confusion and have provided a solution:

AARP Offers help to potential customers

Now doesn’t that sound like fun?  In fact,  I think you’ll have to agree that nobody puts the FUN in Funeral like AARP, nobody!

Until next time . . . I love you

Junk Mail Envelope Questions

Hello Dear Readers!  Yesterday, when I went to my mailbox, I got a sales letter that had this question on the outside of the envelope:

Baby Boomer Junk Mail Linda Vernon Humor

Junk Mail Envelope Question

And then I got to thinking gee they really shouldn’t stop there.  I bet there’s lots of questions they could ask to get more business.  To that end, I’ve taken the liberty of coming up with a few suggestions as follows:

Junk Mail Humor, Linda Vernon Humor

Junk Mail Humor Linda Vernon Humor

Junk Mail Humor, Linda Vernon Humor

Junk Mail Humor, Linda Vernon Humor

junk mail humor, Linda Vernon Humor

And there you have it Dear Readers!  Effective as all get out Junk Mail Envelope Questions!

Until next time . . . I love you.

Baby Boomer Junk Mail

Hello Dear Readers!  Gosh it’s a beautiful day.  Okay let’s talk about death now.

Here’s something that came in the mail today from the Trident Society:

Trident Society Linda Vernon Humor

The Trident Society wants dibs on your “vessel”

Apparently the Trident Society isn’t really a Society at all.  It’s just a nice way of saying we’re a company that turns a profit cremating dead people.  I don’t think there’s regular meetings or anything.  It’s simply that they are asking for dibs on cremating you after you die, but they want you to pay them for it right now.

Apparently there are lots and lots and lots of wonderful  reasons why you need to  pre-purchase your funeral pyre.  Let’s take a closer look at what they are, shall we?

Trident Society Commentary Linda Vernon Humor

The first reason for being cremated is convenience.

If you pay for your cremation now, perhaps when you die, one of your  family members (whoever gets the shortest straw) can simply go to a Trident Society drive-thru window, pick up your ashes and set you on the book shelf until the next family reunion — where you will be lovingly lugged along and incorporated into the prayer before the potluck lunch is served.  Upside:  It’s convenient as all get out.  Downside:  Alive or dead, you’ll have to attend the next family reunion.

Cremation is much less expensive and has less impact on the environment!

Now how can anybody say no to cheap and easy?  It’s cheap AND it’s better for the environment.  Downside:  You had to pay for it yourself. Upside:  Hey!! Lookee you!  You’re recyclable!

It allows families to provide a dignified resting place to memorialize their loved one. 

What is the Trident Society trying to imply?  Are they trying to  imply that your current plan — to give great, great grandaddy, Trevor, the ol’ heave ho on your next Carnival Cruise — isn’t a dignified enough resting place?  Upside:  Oh yeah!  Downside:  Just watch you!

And finally, Dear Readers, if the above reasons aren’t enough to convince you that you need to pre-purchase your cremation, Trident Society is pulling out all the stops by allowing you to enter for a chance to WIN a FREE CREMATION!

Win a free cremation! Linda Vernon Humor

Sufferin’ Succotash!  Look how happy everybody is in the picture!  Well, there’s nothing like winning a FREE CREMATION to make everyone want to play a rousing game of Ring Around the Rosy!

Until next time . . . I love you

It Came in the Mail: So You’re Going to Die

Dear Readers!  Exultation at the mailbox!

The American Automobile Association otherwise known as Triple A Life Insurance Company was kind enough to send me a Notice that I’m going to die — it’s just a matter of time . . . but until I do can I please send them some money?

Look how official the Notice is!

Junk Mail from Triple A

How can I not send Triple A money when they went to so much trouble to make this Notice — with my very own name on it!

And best of all, there’s no Medical Exam Required! 

All I have to do is answer a few simple questions to see if I qualify.  Well, Dear Reader, I think you will agree that that’s not just wonderful, that’s frigging wonderful!

And More Great News

If an insured member, such as myself, is diagnosed with a terminal illness that will cause death, such as my own, in 12 months or less?  No Worries!  They’re not even going to go back and try to figure out where I lied on medical questionnaire they sent me!  (Ha! Suckers!)

And yet, I — as the person who will be dead in 12 months or less — will still be eligible to receive a lump sum Accelerated Death Benefit amount that my spouse can use any way he wants to — like finally taking that Mexican vacation to forget he was ever married to ol’ Linda whatshername!

Man sunbathing by a swiming pool

“Waiter, hand me my sombrero and get me another margarita please? . . . and not so much salt this time . . huh? I’m in mourning.”

Isn’t that just Frigging Wonderful Dear Reader?  

. . .  uh oh . . . wait a minute . . . . hold the phone . . . I just read further down on the page and it says:

If you receive an Accelerated Death Benefit amount, we will deduct a  processing fee of $75.00

What?!?

So let me get this straight, Triple A.  You’re saying that when my poor spouse is in Mexico crying his eyes out –beside himself with grief — trying to choke down a couple of Chimichangas and a large pitcher of margaritas and sadly salsa dancing with Senoritas, you are going to have the audacity to charge him with a $75.00 processing fee?

Well that just sucks the frigging right out of the wonderful, Triple A.

You can just forget the whole thing!

Until next time . . . I love you (but that doesn’t go for you Triple A)

What Came In The Mail

Dear Readers!  I gallivanted to my mailbox this morning, and discovered I had another suitor! 

It seems Xfinity is now in crazy, passionate occupant love with little ol’ moi! 

Ah!  Be still my beating letter opener!

First off, no matter what I decide about whether I’m going to allow myself to be “wooed” by Xfinity, they want me to know that this plastic card that was attached to the occupant love letter is mine to keep!

When it comes to occupant love, a plastic card is the equivalent of a diamond engagement ring except it’s not as sparkly, it can’t cut glass, and isn’t worth diddly, but still . . . .

Then there’s this:

Don’t worry, you don’t need to read it, it’s way too boring, (sigh) however I did read it and here’s what it more or less says:

  • If you pay Xfinity $30 every month, they’ll put security cameras all over your house so that if you decide to go to Hawaii, you’ll be able to sit on the beach and stare at your house on your smart phone to make sure everything is still not stolen every minute of every day until it’s time to come home.
  • Or it means you’ll be able to actually watch live on your smart phone as a burglar breaks into your house and steals all your stuff!
  • And Xfinity is also offering the handy feature of being able to control the lights in your home remotely so that while you are sitting on the beach in Hawaii you can turn the lights on in your house in order to better see the burglar who is stealing all your stuff.

Jeepers!  That’s a pretty good deal Xfinity is offering little ol’ moi!  Let’s see what other occupant tokens of love Xfinity is throwing at me to win my affections:

Oh Goody!  A touch screen controller . . .So when my grandson touches all the buttons trying to access Elmo, it will accidentally trigger the swat team to be dispatched to my house. Well, okay, that’s pretty cool.

And, with this 3 window/door sensors Xfinity is offering to provide me with much needed help when it comes to sensing which is a door and which is a window.  Well that’s over-the-top thoughtful!  I’m really liking the direction Xfinity is going in with this one!

Oh wow!  Every time we move, an alarm will go off at the police department!  Well, I’m all for that.  Who wouldn’t be?

Woo-hoo!  A keypad!  Xfinity doesn’t say what this if for but I think we all know by now, don’t we?  That’s right.  It’s the Xfinity Wireless Keypad to my heart! Because Xfinity has finally managed to woo me with their tokens of occupant affection.

All that’s left to say to Xfinity is,  “you had me at  “Dear Linda Vernon and/or Occupant:  My beloved OOXXOOXXfinity!”

And that’s what came in the mail today, Dear Readers.

Until next time . . . I still love you but not quite as much as I do you know who

What Came in the Mail

Dear Readers! Wait til you see what came in the mail for me today from AAA!

This came in the mail addressed to occupant which AAA somehow found out was my middle name! God love ‘em!

Now I don’t want to brag (well I do but I don’t want to look I do), it just so happens that this big, huge corporate conglomerate that goes by the name of American Automobile Association has made yours truly one of their “Special People!”

Here’s what AAA is offering:

AAA wants me to give them money every month for the rest of my life until I die and then –once I’m dead,  they’ll give a little bit of that money back to the person in my family who I like the best — and keep the rest for themselves. But there are other things too that maybe make it a better deal than it sounds like so far, such as:

Which means if I don’t die within 31 days, I’ll get my money back or maybe it means if I do die within 31 days I’ll give them their money back . . . well, either way I’ll probably be dead so I guess it doesn’t matter that much.

Uh oh.  I often use nicotine to remove paint from my clothing . . . but please don’t mention this to AAA, it will just complicate things if I decide to accept their offer.

Let’s see . . . so AAA is  giving me “peace-of-mind” protection so I’ll be okay with dying until I”m 80 but after that, they apparently don’t give flying fig if I’m worrying a lot about my demise . . . frankly, that kind of rubs me the wrong way.

Notice the little cross by the word required.  Does that mean that  AAA is saying NO medical exam required with its fingers crossed behind its back?  It sort of seems like it.

You know what?  Let me just make a call to the AAA Operator who is standing by and ask her if I should take advantage my  AAA Preferred Status Privileges.

Ring

Barney’s Answering Service.

Oh, I was calling AAA . . .  is this AA A?

Yes.

Hi, yes I was wondering if I should sign up for AAA’s Preferred Status Privileges?

I don’t know, lady, I just want to sit down. 

Oh . . .Okay, thank you, bye.

Thank you for calling Barney–uh –I mean AAA.

And there you have it, Dear Reader!  What came in the mail today for me, Linda Occupant Vernon.

Until next time . . .I love you

It Came in the Mail Especially for Little Ol’ Moi!

Hello Dear Readers! Good News. Lookee what I got in the mail!

(No, I didn’t get this arrow, it’s just suppose to be pointing down to what I got.)

The Great Courses want me back! This could only mean one of two things: either they want me back because they somehow found out I hate school, and they think I need to step it up education-wise OR they’ve got me mixed up with somebody else.  I suspect the latter or maybe the former. (I’ve never really known the difference.)

Apparently The Great Courses don’t know I’ve hated school since the second day of first grade. Oh sure, the first day was fun but then a pattern of no fun started developing, and it was all downhill from there on out.

Anywayz, (yeah you heard me Great Courses I said anywayz — you gonna do somethin’ about it?  Yeah? . . .  you and what university? . . . .) Anywayz, like I was saying, apparently it is this guy who thinks I need to take some courses.

This is supposed to be pointing down! This stupid arrow just isn’t working right.

Now I’m not saying that Robert M. Hazen is not as wonderful as he himself thinks he is (and no you may NOT call him Bob), I’m just saying that the look in Robert’s eye is a little unsettling — even if he has deemed himself  to be in the top 1 % of professors in the world.

And how did he go about deeming himself thusly?  Well, it was easy (for him).

First he took the number of teaching awards he has accumulated and divided it by the number of evaluations he’s had published. Then, he took that number or “quotient” (as the top 1% professors call it) and multiplied it by the number of  newspaper write ups featuring none other than  Robert M. Hazen Ph.D, Harvard University! .  . . . Harvard University!  . . . . .Harvard university!  . . . . . university!(Robert was going to get that echo fixed but he’s decided he kinda likes it.)

So what if Robert M. Hazen didn’t ask any of the students who took classes from him what they thought! Who gives a hoot what they think — they’re students . . . ew!

So here’s one of the “Great Courses” Robert is offering for twenty bucks but he’s quick to point out that it is 75% off and which made it $760 originally (arithmetic may vary) .  Here it is:

Oh screw the arrow! Just pretend there’s an arrow here pointing down.

Not only will Robert be teaching what he knows about the unsolved mysteries of the universe, he will, for no extra charge, be teaching everything he doesn’t know about the universe!  A subject about which top 1 % professor, Robert could drone on and on for year and years or his name isn’t Robert M. Hazen Ph.D., Harvard University .  . . . Harvard University!  . . . . .Harvard university!  . . . . . university!

Hey guess what? Robert loves that echo so much he’s decided to get one installed in his house! You go Robert!

Until next time . . . I love you

The AARP / AAA Smackdown for Little Ol’ Moi

Gosh! I haven’t been this popular since I was in the eighth grade and three boys liked me at the same time.  But that magical time of youth was nothing compared to the fuss AARP and AAA are making over me. It’s enough to make a girl blush into a coma! LOL (laughing out loud)

And all because I’m so alluring (ly old).

Today it’s AAA that’s come a-courting.  For instance, this tender love letter  arrived only moments ago by special dispatch because, ahem . . . there’s not a minute to lose:

Now that’s exactly what I was thinking on the way to my mailbox . . .  I was literally thinking if only someone, somewhere would just give an old, sick, poor loser such as myself one last chance . . . well, I just figured it was just some kind of OFFOM! (old-fogey fantasy of mine)

And then when I proceeded to read:

“Or you may want to wipe out any outstanding debts after your passsing or relieve your family from the expense of a funeral.”

Well, doggone it, my heart melted, AAA! (American Automobile Association!)

You are so Frigging Sweet!  You mean to tell me you want to wipe out my debts after my passing?  You are soooo adorable OMG ! (oh my god!)

One small question though– you don’t say after passing what?  Do you mean after passing the bar exam or something because I’ve never been to law school — you must be getting me mixed up with someone else. ROFBAHL  (rolling on floor breaking a hip laughing!)

Anyway, I’m delighted that you want to relieve my family from the expense of a funeral and that’s great and all, but we don’t normally go around paying for random people’s funerals so I’m a little confused MBTA! (must be the alzheimers!)

But wait a minute.   Are you being ironic on purpose AAA?  Because didn’t you just imply that any minute now I could KTB? (kick the bucket?)  Oh I get it, you’re just messing with my SM!  (senile mind!)

SILLY AAA! (silly american automobile association!)

PS. I so frigging love you right now I can’t even say!

************

Until next time . . . I love you

AARP the Sound Old People Make When They Burp

Good News (possibly)! Just got my AARP Membership Activation Form in the mail since I’m over 50 but I don’t look it, only they left out the but I don’t look it part.

They want me to send them money since they have already gone to the trouble of printing out two cards for me with my name on it. 

AARP says that they will send me a new card and a full description of benefits after I pay them.  So not to worry, once I buy it, then they will tell me exactly what I just bought.

So if I pay them$63 now, I can start enjoying privileges!  Hurrah!  There’s nothing I like better than a $63 worth of privileges!

Here’s the AARP (pardon me!) Statement of Benefits:

Item 001 

(Note the two zeros before the actual item number –there’s my first privilege right there.  They obviously brought out their good zeros for this offer, make no mistake!)

Up to 25% savings on car rentals. 

But “up to” is the key phrase here.  We all know what an “up to” savings means.  It means you’re never going to actually get the full “up to” amount of 25%.  I never have anyway.  And I would remember if I did since the main reason I buy stuff is because it’s up to 25% off.

Item 002:

Exclusive information and resources.

This phrase is a little vague, sure, but they go on to explain as follows:

The award-winning AARP The Magazine.  Most interesting, most helpful to everyone over 50.

Apparently the award was for incomplete sentences.

As far as resources go, they’re keeping that vague too.  Perhaps we are to assume that they are offering natural resources like say, bauxite or aluminum.  Well, hopefully they’ll explain after I send them the money.

Item 003:

Discounts and special member programs on prescriptions and health services.

There’s another one of their awarding-winning incomplete sentences.  Maybe their attorneys have advised them to drop any actual verbs so there won’t be anything to get all litigious about.

Item 004:

We are fighting for your American Dream.

Say What?   And they want us to pay them for that?  I’m fighting for the American Dream too, in my own way, and I’m not even asking AARP to chip in on gas.

Item 005

Access to Financial Programs

Excuse me but shouldn’t AARP be providing handicapped access to financial programs?

Item 006

Community programs and services.

Over 2,000 local chapters.  Volunteer opportunities.  Safe driving course.

So let me get this straight.  AARP wants me to send them $63 so I can become an AARP volunteer.  Hmmm. . . . and then they’re going to trick me into taking “safe driving course” which will result in them finding out what a horrible driver I actually am and getting my license taken away from me permanently.

But just as I’m deciding I don’t want their stinking privileges,  they have to go and make it a really hard decision by throwing this in at the end:

Free Travel Bag with the sound old people make when they burp emblazoned across the front

Ok, fine I’ll take it.

Until next time . . . I love you