What to Read While Hanging by the Neck Until Dead

Dear Readers!  I’ve been away from my blog for four whole days!  My kids visited, and we all  whooped it up Vernon Style in a combination, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Spring Birthday, Memorial Day celebration!   Gosh we had a good time!  We figure it will hold us over until June when we’ll all get together again to celebrate National Accordion Month!  (Can! Not! Wait!)

But Dear Readers, as you know,  life isn’t all fun and games.  No siree!  Sometimes life is a serious business and as such, you have to get the most out of every single minute — which brings us to today’s topic:

Literature and The Death Penalty:

or

Bestsellers Revised-for-People-Who-Are-Hanging-By-Their-Necks-Until-Dead Market

What Color Is Your Parachute You Wish You Had Right Now?

“Ha ha! A must read for anybody hanging by their necks until dead” — The Executioner’s Quarterly

Clear and Present Danger,  Tell Me Something I Don’t Know Edition

“A real no duh, engrossingly obvious read!’ — Hangin’ Judge

Amy Vanderbilt’s Complete Book of Swinging Back and Fourth  Etiquette

“A complete guide to avoiding that final faux pas!” — Washington State Penitentiary’s Gallows Supervisor

The Pit and Hey Lookee Me I’m the Pendulum

“Great last-minute death-penalty zen tips” — Zen Masters Weekly

The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People Who Can’t Breath

“I heartily recommend this to anyone who is undergoing personal changes from, say, alive to dead.” — Pope Benedict XVI

Literally Lord of the Flies

“The most effective step-by-step fly management program to date.” –The Association of American Fly Farmers

The Agony and the Ecstasy Only Ixnay on the Ecstasyay

“The Agony and the Ecstasy abridged version that ‘Death Penaltees’ won’t be able to put down until it drops out of their hands on its own accord.!” Billy the Kid’s Ghost

Ο Things to Do Before You Die, The Heavily Discounted Edition

“Literally thousands of great suggestions not included! And at a price you’ll love” — Necktie Party Publishers Weekly

And there you have it, Dear Readers!  Now, I must admit, this  post was a little weird even for me.  I’m blaming it on  too much cake while whooping it up with the family.  I’m really going to have to watch it at next months National Accordion Celebration!

Until next time . . . I love you

Linda’s Ten Writing Prompts for Unusual Stories

1)

A woman named Helene (the last “e” is silent so it’s just pronounced the regular way you would pronounce Helen) who was born into an aristocratic family in 1614 goes for a walk in the woods and finds a toothbrush left by time travelers.  Write a novel chronicling Helen’s life-long attempts to figure out what it is.

2)

A man named Mr. Kneedyy (in this case the “k” isn’t silent but the last “y” is) leads a lonely existence as a shy, tightrope walker whose only joy in life is vacuuming. He often wonders whether his life is worth living at all –  that is until the morning he wakes up in a bed of overly-ripe bananas.

3)

Write a story about the life of a New York City, albino, street urchin in 1882 who is sent to live in an orphanage where they kill his parrot and tell him sawdust is sugar.  One day he contracts a horrible ear infection.  Write the story from the point of view of his eardrum.

4)

A woman who is afraid of her own shadow, opens the door to her closet to find the bogie man dressed in her clothes, but instead of being afraid, she falls instantly in love.  Write this story from the point of view of the red stiletto heels the bogie man is wearing.

5)

Colonel Conrad Bleen (most of the letters are silent but the word colonel is still pronounced nothing like it is spelled) has been shipped a faulty coffee machine from the aliens who reside on planet Wubbly. The Wubblyians are coming for a visit next week and are expecting Colonel Conrad Bleen to serve them coffee.    Choose your favorite historical figure to explain why the Wubblyians won’t be getting any coffee.

6)

A girl named Swanda Smithers (the “s’s” are almost silent but not quite) is told a very important secret by a strange Italian man she meets while walking to the city pool.  If she tells anyone the secret — the universe will cease to exist.  Write a story about what a horrible swimmer Swanda Smithers is from the point of view of the secret.

7)

Write a short scene in which an arthritic court jester with dyslexia is sent in to tell the severely nearsighted Mary Queen of Scots she could use a bath.

8)

While a man is strangling his wife on a rowboat in Lake Superior, she dies of pancreatic cancer.  Write a story about why the man shouldn’t be tried for murder in Lake Erie’s opinion.

9)

A woman named Connie Knophughner (every other letter is silent) buys a used  car and opens the trunk to find a package that is ticking.  When she unwraps it, she finds out it’s a clock that has a bomb embedded in it.  Write a scene about what happens next from the point of view of the used car salesman who is hiding on the floor of the backseat of Connie Knophughner’s  car.

10)

A man named Ponts Nuggles (all the silent letters in his name have been removed so don’t worry about it) comes home to find that his wife has turned into a box of Ritz Crackers, but she can still talk; Ponts Nuggles, however, has been deaf since birth.  Write a dialogue about how they discuss each others’ day.

And there you have it, Dear Readers!  Linda’s Ten Writing Prompts for Unusual stories . . . Happy Writing!

Until next time  . . . I love you

My Brain Peanuts Thinks Up Some Common Sense Tips

Hello Dear Readers.  I thought it might be helpful to post a short list  of common sense tips that my brain, Peanuts, just thought of.

Don’t worry about your spleen.  Nobody ever said on their death-bed, “I wish I would have worried about my spleen.”

“Let’s see . . . 101 signs your spleen might be malfunctioning . . . oh I need to read these! “

If someone in your family is set on becoming a human cannonball, keep a mirror and a helmet handy so you can show them how stupid they will look to others.

Slit your car tires every night before you go to bed so that when you wake up in the morning there won’t be any flat tire surprises.

Did you remember to slit the tires?
No, it’s your turn, I did it last night!

Never allow anyone to act out the poem Lizzie Borden Took an Ax on family fun night unless you are absolutely certain the ax is inaccessible and there’s no liquor in the house.

Always test out your  “experimental arsenic cookies” on the hamster first, and be sure he’s actually dead before going to all the trouble of serving them to in-laws.

“Maury? . . . Maury? Can you hear me Maury?”

Always keep a copy of Robert Rules of Order on you at all times to avoid the embarrassment of walking up to take the witness stand in a crowded courtroom when it’s not your turn.

Never engage in a conversation with a chatty robot before you know the location of their off switch.  (The same holds true for husbands.)

“Yes. it. is. a. nice. day. There. have. been. 17823. days. very. similar. to. a. day. like. today. in. the. past. 1400. years. starting. with. a. Thursday. on. April. 17. 1035. and. then. on. . . “

Just make it a policy to never operate on friends. Period. End of story.

Listen Marge, it’s not that I don’t want to remove your spleen, it’s just that you’re a friend of mine and I have this policy . . . sorry but period end of story.

Until next time . . . I love you

Seven Ways to Tell If You Suffer From Too Much Blogging

Hello Dear Readers!    In the words of the wise and wonderful Lucy Ricardo after drinking too much Vitameatavegamin:

“Are you tired, rundown, listless?  Do you pop out at parties?  Are you unpoopular?”

Well, the answer to all your problems might be that you’re low on Vitameatavegamin; then again — it might be that you are simply exhausted from too much blogging.

 

Seven Ways to Tell If You’re Tired, Rundown and Listless From Too Much Blogging

You’re insurance rates have gone sky high ever since you got a little mixed up from fatigue and added a new post to your car’s dashboard.

“Well if it’s any consolation, at least I remembered to Save Draft.

You instructed your hairdresser to change your personal settings and give you a new theme.

“Are you sure Mimbo Pro is going to look okay with my general settings?”
“Well, we’ll find out!”

You got a little bent out of shape when your house guests left and didn’t nominate you for an award.

Yeah . . .bye . . . come again . . . NOT!

You try to leave comments on your ATM machine.

I am now telling the computer exactly what it can do with a lifetime supply of chocolate . . .

You can’t understand why the postman keeps bringing you mail of people you’re not even following.

Yeah,it says right here, “To Betty and Barnie Shlubbs” from AARP.”
“What in tarnation? We would never follow them!”

You try to count how many drivers look over at you in traffic so you can feel like you’re getting  a lot of traffic views.

Okay, let’s see . . . the guy in the blue truck makes four and oh oh . . . the two people in that yellow Kia just looked over . . .

You’re the only one at the movies who, instead of laughing,  is shouting out the letters L O L.

L O frigging L! Gosh I’m having a good time!

And there you have it Dear Readers!  If  you recognized yourself in any of the above scenarios, you might want to go right out and buy yourself a great big bottle of Vitameatavegamin.   That’s Vita Meata Vegamin!  Because, as everybody knows, it’s the answer to all your problems!

It’s so tasty too!

Until next time . . . I love you (and Lucy)

How to Tell if You’re Going to Overdo Thanksgiving

Hello Dear Readers!  I love Thanksgiving!  It’s one of my favorite holidays.  Every year I cook for my family and every year I look forward to it with great pleasure.  Maybe a little too much pleasure.  That’s why I’ve come up with this list of warning signs on how to tell if you are going to overdo Thanksgiving.

You’ve replaced the phrase “I love you” with the phrase “Olive you”.

You just got back from Potato Mashing Immersion Camp.

You’ve instructed your surgeon to break ground on that new stomach addition.

“So the way I see it, we can knock out a wall between the belly and the button, and we should have room for an entire bowl of mashed potatoes and gravy.

In preparation for the big feast, you’ve managed to diet down to a size bite.

Even if you were to carry out pi to a million decimals, all forms of pi will be polished off by Friday.

“Of course I didn’t eat all the pumpkin pie! You know I only like apple.”

You’ve taken to sleeping on a pillow of mini marshmallows.

Thanks to you and your voluminous Yam Stockpile the earth will be taking 6 days longer to orbit the sun.

“Gosh this week is really dragging by. What day is it?”
“Yamsday.”
“Still?”

You made an appointment with your dentist to get your teeth sharpened.

Your new gravy boat sleeps six.

“Move over!”
“No you!”

Your husband Tom is slightly worried about you because his name is Bill.

You’ve been preheating your oven since the 4th of July.

You refuse to read, watch or listen to  anything that isn’t about Jello.

“Honey! Come quick! Look!  There’s Bigfoot!”
“Is he in the form of a Jello mold?”
“No.”
“Is he carrying Jello?”
“No.”
“Then I’m not going to look.”

And the most obvious way to tell if you’re going to overdo Thanksgiving:

Your appendix has been officially called back into active duty for the stomach reserves.

“Ten Hut!”

 

Until next time . . . Olive you

Fish it From the Archives Friday: Product Ideas for Aging Boomers

Hello Dear Readers!  YAY! We all made it to Friday morning! Phew!  It was a touch and go for a while there, and  I didn’t think we were going to make it over the Wednesday summit.  In fact, for a minute, I thought we were going to get stuck up there and have to eat each others blogs. 

But here we are on the sunny side of Friday, all in one uneaten piece — reminding us once again that when life hands us lemons we should save them to squirt over blogs in case we ever get stuck on the summit of Wednesday and are forced to . . . well you know . . . .  (P.S. I get dibs on The Donner Blog! (http://donnerblog.blogspot.com/)

And now for Fish it From The Archives Friday:

Top Ten Product Ideas for Aging Baby Boomers

The Suspicious-Looking-Mole Home Removal Kit

The Graveside Banana Peel Treadmill

“Ha ha!” This is fun!”
“Yeah, and wait till you push the banana peel setting!”

The All-in-One Hair Removal and Transplant Wand.

Grow Your Own Organs Chia Pet

The Shout Channel

Scrabble Sorry It’s Taking Me So Long Edition

My Last Barbie

Walker sold separately

The Quadruple By-Pass Carnival Cruise

What Was I Talking About? Rosetta Stone

And the number one product sure to be a hit with the aging Baby Boomer:

The Chase Sapphire I Woke Up This Morning Points Rewards Card

 

* * *

Until next time . . . I love you

Photo Credits:

Aging Barbie: http://melandelhavethingstotell.blogspot.com/2011/05/if-we-had-dollar-for-every-doppelganger.html

 

 

Signs you’ve gotten too much sun this summer

You had to take out a loan to pay your sunscreen bill.

“Oh no, I’m sorry. That’s not $4,000 that’s $40,000! I always have trouble with those decimal points!”

You’ve had your sunglasses on so long  your ears have grown over them.

“No! I don’t want to take them off! I can’t say why. I just don’t!”

You have pet names for all the solar flares.

“Oh lookee! It’s Lil’ Mr. Snookie Ookums again!

No matter if you’re a mother or a father, you’re everybody’s mummy

“I love you mommy!”
“Shh . . . mommy’s trying to take a nap.”

You feel slightly cannibalistic when you order KFC extra crispy

Is this chicken too crispy or is it just me?

Your vitamin D dip stick is well past the ridiculous line.

“Oh yeah, it’s well past the ridiculous line, in fact it’s almost up to laughable.”

You’re smoldering . . . but not in a good way

“S is for Smoldering! I am making an “S” aren’t I?”

You were disappointed to find out nobody makes cherry red makeup.

“Sorry, ma’am we don’t have any cherry red foundation. We only have orange orange and lemon yellow.”

And the biggest sign that you’ve gotten too much sun this summer?

You’ve been delirious since the 4th of July

“I love you hearth burl! Goats on the skids! What say we go shave a  glumpy?”

***

Until next time . . . I love you

Roast in a Nutshell: The Darker Side of My Brain Peanuts Returns

Sometimes, when life hands you lemonade, you have to take that lemonade and you have to turn it back into lemons again because you’re just in that kind of a mood.  Which means, Dear Reader, that it is once again time for:

Roast in a Nutshell, the Darker Side of My Brain Peanuts

(A title that was the brainstorm of my cyberdaughter, Lizzie, at runningnakedwithscissors)

Today’s topic:  Dealing with people who think Peanuts is old.

Things Darkside Peanuts Should be Allowed to Do Without Any Consequences When It comes to dealing with people who think Peanuts is old.

Darkside Peanuts  should be allowed to trip clerks in the electronics department of Frys who explain something to Peanuts like Peanuts is senile and then wrap up their sales pitch by adding “this is what all our elderly customers prefer.”

Darkside Peanuts should be allowed to send sneezing powder (aka anthrax) in the return envelope of all AARP offers that are offering Peanuts one last chance to get insurance before Peanuts shrivels up and dies.

Darkside Peanuts should be allowed to pinch a tad too hard, the cheeks of teenage baggers at the grocery store who remark, while bagging Peanuts groceries, that their grandma — or even their great grandma — likes the same product Peanuts does.

Darkside Peanuts should be allowed to scribble lipstick all over the faces of dismissive twenty-something cosmetic-counter girls who imply that Peanuts looks so old there’s really nothing that can be done about it.

Darkside Peanuts should be allowed to pull the transaction box off its stand and throw it at clerks who automatically assume Peanuts is too old and too far gone with the Alzheimer’s to know to slide the card and push the green button without being told (for the millionth time . . . sigh) to do so.

Darkside Peanuts should be allowed to mess up the hairdo of clerks who take a good look at Peanuts and then suggest that Peanuts take advantage of their 55-years-and-older senior discount even though Peanuts is 55-years-and-older.

Darkside Peanuts should be allowed to yank the trendy ponytails of the girls who work at Starbucks whose words are saying, “may I help you” but whose tone is saying  Oh great! Another old lady who refuses to speak Starbucks.

Darkside Peanuts should be allowed to put Peanuts’ car in reverse and bash into the kid who is driving the car behind Peanuts who is honking at Peanuts to take a free right turn at a red light because they think Peanuts is too old and too cowardly to do so –even though Peanuts IS too old and too cowardly to do so.

Phew!  Darkside Peanuts feels much better having gotten all that off Darkside Peanuts’ shell.

Until next time . . . I love you

Ten Reasons Why You Might Be Feeling Fat

You have a tendency to eat breakfast four times.

The only equipment you keep in your home gym are a treadmill and a chocolate pie.

Your dog leads a scrap-less life.

“My owner sucks!”

You’ve traded in all your P’s and Q’s for M and M’s.

“But I gave you ten P’s and Q’s and you only gave me seven M and M’s.”
“Listen, bub, nobody ever said life was fair.”

Your idea of the great outdoors is standing under the air conditioning vent at Mrs. Fields.

Your bathroom scales have filed assault and battery charges against you.

“If you don’t get off me right this second, lady, I’m calling the authorities!”

You only have 34 payments left on your last McDonald’s drive-thru.

“Are you ready to order?”
“No I’m just here to make a payment.”

Whenever you get tough and declare you’re going to lick something, it always turns out to be a Tootsie Roll Pop.

You brake for cake!

“How’d it happen?”
“She was braking for cake.”

And the number one reason why you might be feeling fat:

You are fat.

 

Until next time . . . I love you

How to Tell if You’ve Been Spending Too Much Time with Your Husband

You’re starting to see the wisdom in eating things straight out of the bag.

“What? A plate for these? Don’t make me laugh.”

You know how to check “the scores” during commercials.

Lately you’ve found yourself reading things like Drip Irrigation Guidelines just for the heck of it.

“Can I see it now?”
“Ok, but don’t lose my place.”

You’ve developed temporary blindness when looking for something on a shelf.

“What apple on a plate? I don’t see any apple on a plate.”

Now it’s YOU who eats the last piece of everything.

The idea that just because a person has had an article of clothing hanging in their closet that they haven’t worn for fourteen years doesn’t mean they aren’t ever going to wear it again – is actually starting to make some sort of crazy sense to you.

“No I’m keeping it. I might decide to wear it to next year’s company party.”

You’ve adopted your husband’s penchant for keeping his favorite socks on the floor by his recliner.

You’ve adopted your husband’s recliner.

You’ve adopted your husband’s favorite socks.

You’ve suddenly discovered:  Hey! It’s fun to start conversations while you’re brushing your teeth!

“Nasha shaha sha shu?”
“Ha Ha!  Nasha shushi shashi shu shu!”

You’re beginning to actually fathom exactly why golf clubs need to always be in plain sight.

“You’re right! Life IS better when you can see them 24/7!”

And finally, the best way to tell if you’ve been spending too much time with your husband:

You are now able to tell the difference between regular TV and HD TV.

“Wait! That’s not HD . . . turn it QUICKLY!!

“PHEW!! That’s better!”

Until next time . . . I love you

How to Tell If You Are Spending Too Much Time with Your Horse

From: totallylookslike.com

If someone asks you your age, you respond by stomping one foot the appropriate number of times.

You think the best thing anybody could ever do is bale on you!

“What? For moi? THANK YOU!”

You often miss work due to coming up lame.

Sometimes you secretly want to bite your hairdresser when she’s brushing your hair.

I could so totally bite her right now.

All your shopping trips are reduced to the same question: Where can I find the carrots?

You’ve taken to nailing your shoes on too!

“Oh yeah they hurt . . . but they won’t come off!”

The term name brand has taken on a whole new meaning (and it’s something you’re seriously considering).

“No wait! I’m just considering it!

You want with all your heart for two plus two to equus four.

If startled; you’ve been known to stampede.

“What was that noise?  I’m getting out of here!”
“Me too!”
“Me too!”
“Me too!”
“Me too!”

And finally:

You’re thinking about changing your business cards from entrepreneur to entremanure.

“Can I please speak to Linda Vernon, Entremanure?”

Until next time . . . I love you

How to Tell if Your Husband Has Been Watching Too Much Golf

• He used to be honest but now there’s nothing he likes better than a good lie

• He’s always trying to calculate his gas yardage

“Uh . . . let’s see here . . . $4.37 times 280 miles divided by 36 inches . . . wait . . .”

• He’s 63 now but he just can’t wait to turn 60 FORE!

• He insists the only thing that quenches his thirst is a big glass of water hazard.

“Now you pinkie swear this is from the 7th hole at Spyglass, right?”

• When it’s time for bed he announces he’s going to hole out.

• He has to make sure everything is done the fairway.

• He says he’ll only watch a movie that has Humphry Bogey Gart in it.

• He’s trying to rig up the washing machine so it will have back spin.

“Wait . . . which way was it going before?”

• Before he eats a potato chip he announces he’s going to “chip in”.

“Quiet everybody I’m chipping in!”

• He has completely cut out food you have to slice.

“I can’t eat that! It will ruin my mental game!”

• He won’t eat hard boiled eggs anymore because they don’t have dimples.

“What? No dimples? No eatie!

• He freaked out because he bought a dozen donuts and there wasn’t a hole in one.

  

  “Wait! Don’t eat any! I’m going to take them back because I don’t think there’s a hole in one.”

Until next time . . . I love you

Slightly Obscure WordPress Blog Award Categories I Would Like to See Circulating the Blogosphere!

The weekend is almost upon us which means it’s Friday!  I would like to celebrate the arrival of our weekend by taking the lazy route and  re-running this post from the archives about a few blog award categories I would love to see circulating here on our beloved WordPress Blogosphere.  And so may I present:

Best Typed by One Finger Blog

Best Typed While Pretending to Look Busy at Work Blog

Best Typed by Head Falling on Keyboard After Too Many Whiskey Sours Blog

Best Typed by Elbows While Posing for Photo with Chin in Hands Blog

Best Typed by Falling Teardrops Blog

Best Typed by Oakridge Boy’s Beard Blog

Best Typed by Debris from Collapsed Ceiling Blog

Best Typed by Hoof of Steer Landing on Keyboard During Tornado Blog

Best Typed by Glacier Scraping Over Keyboard During Last Ice Age Blog

Best Typed by Cat Burglar While Shoving Keyboard into Bag Blog

Best Typed by Jaw Dropping onto Keyboard During Jaw-dropping Revelation Blog

Best Typed by Cat Walking Across Keyboard to Bat at Feather and Bell Tied to End of  String Attached to End of Long Stick Blog

Best Typed by Spewing  Coffee Over Keyboard While Reading The Day the Dopes Came Over by Steve Martin Blog

Best Typed by 100-Year-Old Man Grabbing onto Keyboard to Help Break Fall Blog

Best Typed While Wearing Keyboard as Hat for Computer Man Halloween Costume Blog

Best Typed by Making Panicky Typing Motions on Keyboard After Accidentally Setting Hair on Fire Blog

And there you have it, Dear Readers!  Have a wonderful weekend!

Until next time . . . I love you!

Science Channel Show Ideas for Non-Science Types

Unless you’re a scientist or a science hobbyist,  the Science channel can get pretty boring you’ve got to admit.  So I came up with these show ideas for the Science Channel that even us non-science types might enjoy. 

 

"I'm pretty and you suck."

The Real Housewives of Area 51

 

 

Invincible men of culinary skills at kitchen stadium use the theme ingredient - Iron Meteorite!

 Iron Meteorite Chef

 

  

We've got annoying social issues that decrease by half every episode! YAY!

 My So Called Half-Life

 

 

"Yup, I concur, Co2 definitely has the best smile."

America’s Top Molecule

 

  

I hate you Mommy! Yeah!

Red Dwarfs and Tiaras

 

  

"So what if you paid $300 for it originally . Intelligence is the ability to adapt to change. I will give you $5. Now get over it."

 Stephen Hawking’s Pawn Stars

 

 

"Question: Should I buy six of one or half a dozen of the other?"

Clone Shopping Network

  

 

"Don't you just LOVE Gamma Rays?" "Of course I do, who doesn't?"

Everybody Loves Gamma Ray-mond

 

  

"Woohoo! Lookee us! We're dancin' with the star stuff! Woohoo!"

 Dancing with the Star Stuff

 

 

Until next time . . . I love you

 

 

Signs You’ve Been Spending Too Much Time with Your Hamster

You have to make a conscious effort to leave the house by way of door instead of by way of gnawing.

You now firmly believe there are no bad habits; only bad habitats.

"What a dump!"

Whenever somebody tries to pick you up you bite their finger.

Your dream vacation used to involve two weeks in Hawaii under the sun; now it involves two weeks in Hawaii under the refrigerator.

"Don't you just love Hawaii? Hand me the suntan lotion, will ya?"

Oh sure you want to visit the great pyramid someday; but only so you can hang out in the tunnels.

The actor Nicolas Cage leaves you cold; Nicolas’s cage however, is  whole different story.

"Nice digs Nick!"

You’ve recently redecorated your house to include hardwood floor shavings and a new couch that spins.

Who needs a fork when you’ve got two hands!

"What?"

You’re in the process of drawing up plans for a 7-foot plastic ball to protect you from danger when you go jogging.

You’re new blog is called www.let’sridtheworldofcats.com

And finally, the best way to tell if you’ve been spending too much time with your hamster is:

You’re starting to look like Tom Cruise.

"Hey! Do I smell carrots?"

Until next time . . . I love you