In Praise of Dwell Magazine

Dwell Magazine satire, Linda Vernon Humor

Dear Dwell Magazine Editorial Staff,

Over the past couple of years, my wife, Victoria Splendoria, and myself, P. Donald Xavier, have become avid Dwell Magazine readers.   Not only do we totally approve of  the urban-contemporaneity; but also, we just go gaga over the pictures.

I have attached a  photograph of Victoria Splendoria, and myself, P. Donald Xavier, and our adorable baby, Tylenol Cold and Sinus®, relaxing in our Dwell Magazine inspired contemporary home environment.

family living minimalistically

“Honey where’s that can of Cream of Mushroom soup?”
“I threw it away!”
“But why?”
 Because we’re minimalists, Victoria Splendoria, minimalists! That can of soup was cluttering up the cupboards!”
“But I’m hungry! And so is Tylenol Cold and Sinus® !”
“Oh for goshsakes!   Quit your bellyaching and come and  enjoy the minimalism with me and little Tylenol Cold and Sinus®!

Victoria Splendoria and myself, P. Donald Xavier, just love to sit outside the printing press where Dwell magazine is published every month so that we can be the first ones to get our copy hot off the presses! And we just can’t wait to return to our minimal living room to curl up and enjoy each and every issue with our imaginary espresso.

Victoria Splendoria and myself, P. Donald Xarvier often fight over who gets the cement slab and who gets the wire stool to sit on while we take turns thumbing through the minimalism.

Victoria Splendoria and myself, P. Donald Xarvier, often fight over who gets the cement slab and who gets the wire stool, while we take turns thumbing through Dwell Magazine. It’s so funny!  You should see us.  Sometimes we even laugh, not out loud, of course, but in our minds!

We’ve recently re-designed our bathroom more in keeping with the  minimalistic lifestyle as dictated within the pages of Dwell Magazine.  I think you’ll love what we’ve done.  Here’s a picture:

Linda Vernon Humor satire dwell magazine

“Honey, where are the towels?”
“I threw them away!”
“But why?”
“Because they were taking up too much space.”
“Honey?”
“What?”
“Where’s the toilet.”
“I threw it away.”
“Why?”
“It was cluttering up the bathroom and ruining the minimalism.  Just go to the gas station.”

Anyway, Victoria Splendoria, and myself, P. Donald Xaxier and our adorable baby, Tylenol Cold and Sinus®, would like to thank, you, the editors of Dwell Magazine, from the bottom our hearts for teaching us that throwing away everything we own, sitting on hard surfaces and staring into space is the secret to making it feel as though maybe we are living a long and happy life!

Ambitiously, resourcefully and counter-conventional-edgily yours,

P. Donald Xavier, Victoria Splendoria and adorable Tylenol Cold and Sinus®

* * *

Until next time  . . . I love you

My Brain, Peanuts, Thinks Up a Magazine

Dear Readers.  I love thumbing through magazines of every kind: old, new, big, little, digested, undigested.  I’ve always thought it would be fun to start up a magazine of my own. So I put My Brain Peanuts to work on it, and, Dear Readers, I think you will agree that Peanuts came up with an idea for a magazine that has a lot of potential!

Peanuts simply took a prestigious magazine like the Smithsonian:

Smithsonian Magazine LInda Vernon Humor

And combined it with a cutting-edge style magazine, such as Elle:

The New Mood, Cover of Elle Magazine satire, Linda Vernon Humor

And Viola!  

Smithsonian Magazine plus Elle Magazine Linda Vernon Humor

Of course no magazine is complete without a staff of writers.  The vision of my brain, Peanuts is to have Sm Elle Magazine written by the most important, Über-sophisticated, magazine writers of the 21st Century.  Here’s My Brain Peanuts’s fantasy writing staff for Sm Elle Magazine:

Lifestyle Editor:

Carreen La Leelee La Pew

Writer for Sm Elle Magazine:  Linda Vernon Humor

Lifestyle Editor, Carreen, has been dramatically flitting to and fro between Paris and London ever since first learning how to flit at the tender age of three.  In her travels, Carreen literally inhales cutting-edge lifestyle trends– and exhales them upon the very latest, cutting-edge version of her Apple Ipad.

When asked why, at such a young age,  Carreen has made it to the pinnacle of magazine-writing sophistication, she explained in third person, “Carreen La Leelee La Pew his risen to the top by utilizing french words like brioche and chignon in every single sentence.

Food Critic

Owen Henry Charles Buckingworth, III

Pretentious man who writes for a magazine, Linda Vernon Humor

With a track record of not liking a single meal since 1994, Mr. Buckingworth’s  taste in sophisticated cuisine — as well as his actual taste buds themselves — are so hard to please, he has only been actually full once in his life after a particularly well-done mac and cheese dinner his mother (of all people!) prepared for him when all the stars aligned on November 2, 1994 at 2:45 p.m. Eastern Standard Time.

Owen Henry Charles Buckingworth, III credits his journalistic tendencies to his junior  high school English teacher, Mr. Blump, who encouraged Buckingworth to enter an International Punctuation Contest, and Buckingworth took home the Winner’s Trophy — by accident — but still!

Health and Beauty Editor

Carla Rothchild-Doink

13206347_s

For such an important and influential writer in the field of health and beauty, Carla Rothchild-Doink believes in keeping a low profile.  Literally.  Consequently Ms. Rothchild-Doink has never been photographed standing up.

“One’s profile is the side-view of what a person looks like from the side.” Ms. Rothchild-Doink is fond of saying and goes so far as to call this her “signature saying.” 

In addition to dedicating her life to eating healthy foods, getting enough exercise, and brushing her hair a 100 times before going to bed, Carla Rothchild-Doink can be found on her days off, crawling on her hands and knees in the ocean thus keeping her hands and knees as soft as, but a little more puckered than, a baby’s.

Well, there you have it, Dear Readers!  My brain, Peanuts, fantasy magazine!

Until next time . . . I love you

Trying to Explain the Inexplicable World of Metropolitan Home Magazine

Today Dear Reader, we will be taking a stab at trying to explain the inexplicable world of Metropolitan Home Magazine.

Mommy, where’s my milk?

I put it in the elegantly expressed living room that is a mélange of diverse elements put together with a very sure hand.

Can I go get it?

No. you’ll mess up the mélange!

But I’m thirsty!

Too bad! Suck it in.

Mommy, may I go upstairs now?

No.

Why not?

Because we live in a one-story Metropolitan house.

But isn’t that a staircase behind me?

No, it’s a painting!  Ha ha!  You just fell for the oldest trick in the designer book, Bobby!

Bobby don’t cry.  I was just kidding!  I love you, Bobby!  Hey I know!  Why don’t you roll the coffee table outside and ride it down a steep hill?

But won’t I mess up the mélange of diverse elements put together with a very sure hand?

Oh yeah, never mind!

Gosh, I don’t think life gets anymore perfect than sitting among this unabashed celebration of modern living as I thumb through a Metropolitan Home Magazine in which I am featured sitting among this unabashed celebration of modern living thumbing through a copy of Metropolitan Home Magazine!

Mommy, where’s my hotdog?

It’s in a bed suspended by ropes dangling over a cliff to showcase a mélange of diverse elements put together with a very sure hand..  What a silly question!

Can I go get it?

No. you’ll mess up the mélange!

But I’m hungry!

Too bad! Suck it in.

Meet Vanessa Victoria Splatums. She’s old enough to have white hair, but she’s young enough and hip enough to hate her kitchen because it’s not mélang-y enough.  Well, sorry to have to be the one to break the news to you Vanessa Victoria Splatums, but your kitchen hates you too!

Mommy can I get the kitty out and pet her?

Shh . . . we’re trying to look at our mélange of diverse elements put together with a very sure hand.

Mommy, I think the kitty’s thirsty, can I get her out?

No you’ll  mess up the mélange.

But she’s thirsty!

Too bad, she’ll just have to suck it in like everyone else in this world.

* * *

And there you have it, Dear Reader, our stab at trying to explain the inexplicable world of Metropolitan Home Magazine.

Until next time . . . I love you

Pottery Barn Might Be People But They’re Not Like You and Me!

Browsing through the latest Pottery Barn catalog reminds me of the I Love Lucy episode where Fred, Ethel and Lucy are in Hollywood dining at the Brown Derby to spot movie stars:

Eating at the Brown Derby

Announcer:  Telephone call for Ava Gardner.

Fred: Where? Where?

Ethel:  Fred, remember,  she’s just people like you and me.

Fred:  She might be people but she’s not like you and me!

Well the same goes for Pottery Barn.

Pottery Barn might be People but they’re not like you and me!

Pottery Barn catalog page 54

For instance,  Pottery Barn tells us this is a “Family Home”.  How do we know this?  Because it says FAMILY HOME in great big letters.  Underneath that it says:

 “A home is where a family lives together.” Pottery Barn Catalog,   (January 2012) Page: 54

The Pottery Barn Catalog goes on to platitude-ize, “For your family home makes every room a place to catch up and reconnect.”

And in that vein may I present:

The Pottery Barn People Pizza Fantasy:

I would imagine when the Pottery Barn People were creating this space, they were imagining the following family scenario:

Off camera we hear a daughter’s voice answering a cell phone call from her mom:

“Hello?  Oh hello, Mummy!  What’s that?  Oh yes, rest assured Dearest Mother that I have just this very moment removed the fresh-fig pizzas from the open flames of our very own Pizza Oven and tastefully set them upon the two-teared pizza serving platter.  What’s that?   Yes Mother! Of course it’s the platter that is crafted from sustainable wood with an exclusive Signature Whiskey Finish, I’m not an idiot!  What’s that Mummy?  Oh yes, I’d say  everything is ready, and it’s time to round up Father, Brother and Sister from within the walls of our home where our family lives together!  What’s that?  Yes, Mother!  I know we need to  reconnect with one another by gathering round our casual, yet  boldly-scaled table made entirely from reclaimed pine for which we paid $1,999  and dig in!   I am not an idiot!”

The Real People Pizza Reality:

“Hey Everybody!  Pizza’s here!   Grab your sodas and turn on Seinfeld!

Until next time . . . I love you

You Sew and Sew!

Ok, if you ever inadvertently get stuck in somebody’s time machine  and there’s an earthquake and you accidentally fall on the “time lever” and jam it on 1974, and you’re  good at following sewing instructions, this is the book for you!

That’s because this Better Homes and Gardens 1974 edition of Sewing for Your Home will teach you how to decorate every single room in your house utilizing nothing more than a bolt of cotton, a spool of thread and a burning desire to be the bobbin.

So let’s open some pages, shall we?

First Up:

Merciful Heaven! Avert your eyes! It's the PACIFIC OCEAN!

As you can see, this room’s hideous view of the  Pacific Ocean –  that normally would be a depressing nightmare — has been cleverly camouflaged (thank gaud) by an outpouring of colors so cheerfully conceived, so brilliantly sewn, so hyperactively vibrant, that it’s sure to leave a permanent mark on your sense of style as well as on your actual retinas themselves.

Check this out:

Checkered shades? Check! Checkered chairs? Check! Checkered rug? Check! Did you check the checkers to make sure they are still checking? Check!

Talk about a  “Conversation Area” that will really give you something to babble incoherently about!

Forget about waterboarding, if the CIA would just sew up a cozy conversation corner such as this one to detain detainees while they are waiting to be detained, they’d be spilling the beans in about five minutes flat.  Three if they opened up the shades and revealed The Hideous View of the Pacific Ocean.

What about:

"Look Honey! I sewed it myself after chugging just one cup full of LSD!"

In my humble opinion, this room deserves the Nobel Prize for  successfully expressing, through the magic of  home sewing symbolism (and possibly hallucinogens), every single event that has ever occurred in the history of mankind right up to last Thursday while – at the same time – keeping the Hideous View of the  Pacific Ocean well hidden from esthetically sensitive eyeballs of the esthetically sensitive.

It’s a bathroom, right?

Finally a room without The Hideous View of the Pacific Ocean!

Everything in this handsomely appointed bathroom  — from the tank cozy right down to the hand-stitched toilet paper– was obviously lovingly sewn by a home sewer sewer-system sewer. 

Unfortunately, no mention is made about how to  protect yourself from the flotilla of pathogens multiplying at an alarming rate in the luxurious Shag Carpeting.  Quickly!  Turn to page 208 and see if there’s instruction on how to sew a your own Hazmat Suit.  Hurry! I feel sick!

So there you have it dear reader.  And what did we learn today?  That’s right!  Never be inside a time machine during an earthquake.

Until next time . . . I love you

Dwell in a Yak-free Zone

Let’s take a look at the magazine dwell;  it will be swell. 

Lady relaxing on a slab of cement

Nothing like the feel of cement to put the "omf" in comfy!

The Art of the Dwell

On the cover of  the July/August 2011 issue of dwell, we see a woman smiling as she relaxes on a slab of cement.

I remember being in a dwelling such as this  in 4th-grade when our class took a field trip to Grand Coulee Dam.

Of course, there weren’t any colorful throw pillows or comfy 3-inch pads to sit on.   But the field trip would have been a  dam sight better had there been.

Cement structure called grand coulee dam

What? The Government couldn't afford a few throw pillows with the taxes we pay?

But, sadly, we weren’t living in a modern world when I was in the 4th-grade.  We were living in the 1960′s, and  it only seemed like we were living in the modern world.  How very foolish we were!

Even if we would have known we were living in a modern world at the time, we  wouldn’t have had the slightest idea how to feel at home in the modern world and would have just ended up panicking.

Enter: dwell —  a magazine that is a publication specifically about being:  “At Home in the Modern World”

Guess what dwell Magazine did?  Nevermind, I’ll tell you. First, they scoured the world and then after scouring the world, they finally found a couple who had been living in a yurt and who, therefore,  had saved up enough money to buy a new house and ten thousand dollars worth of furniture.

people sitting

Mr. and Mrs. Yurt and the little Yurt-ling

And guess what?  Nevermind I’ll tell you. Once the house was completed and all the furniture had arrived, dwell Magazine stepped in to help the yurt people arrange said furniture.  All it took was a team of  “Visual Specialists”, some “Delivery Associates” and  “a stringer from the staff of dwell magazine”  to get the living room whipped into shape by arranging it thusly:
Room for Improvement

We know it doesn't look all that impressive. But it might if you "dwell" on it.

Thank goodness for dwell Magazine for God only knows how wrong things could have gone with just the yurt people pushing and shoving things around to make everything fit.  They probably would have used their yak for a coffee table for crying out loud!
Yake running

"Would you hold still, Bessie or Bossie, whatever your name is!"

Thank goodness there were teams of professional professionals standing by to move things a hair to the right or left – so as to give it the effect of just rightness in a modern world so that now the yurt people can finally sit back relax and say, thank you dwell Magazine  (and whoever) for taking all the credit for making us feel at home in the modern world.
 
We could have done it without you but whatever.
Until next time . . . I love you

Pottery Barn Gives Us Another Reason Not to Runaway with the Circus!

Just when you think life has dulled itself down to a stub,  the new Pottery Barn Catalog arrives! Talk about reigniting your passion for living!

Oh Goodie Goodie Gumdrops! Let us rub out collective hands together and start our Pottery Barn discussion with:

The Pottery Barn Activity Center

Clearly Pottery Barn is trying to get us to be a little more constructive in our spare time. To that end, PB has designed this (get a life) activity center. As you can see from the picture, Pottery Barn feels passionately that thread is the KEY FACTOR when it comes to any activity.

What is PB trying to say?

Perhaps The Potter Barn Activity Center is PB’s polite way of telling us that we need to get off our collective squishy bums and start actively LIVING LIFE before Father Time pokes us with a fork, we’re done.

As Dorothy Parker once said, “There will be plenty of time to do nothing once we’re dead.”

Therefore it is imperative that you buy yourself a Pottery Barn Activity Center right this very minute!  Don’t just say, “Oh I’ll  actively fiddle with thread tomorrow.”  What if you don’t make it to tomorrow.  Huh?  Then what?

“Get Busy Livin’ or Get Busy Dyin” . . .  You’re call.

PB wants to know how you would like being on your deathbed never having experienced the activities in their beautiful Activity Center.  So stop wasting time and start flipping through that old Botany notebook ASAP, reread those old postcards, pronto!  Don’t just sit there!  Time’s a wastin’ – for heaven’s sakes at least PUT A CLAMP ON SOMETHING!

Yeah, The Pottery Barn Activity Center is $129.  So What?

Pottery Barn is asking you nicely not to let the $129 price tag deter you from buying their super-duper-essential Pottery Barn Activity Center.  If Pottery Barn has implored you once, they’ve implored you a thousand times not to nickel and dime yourself out of your one true chance at happiness.

Now, stop arguing and go get your purse or wallet and march yourself down to Pottery Barn . . . Ten Hut!

Oh . . . and since you’re going there anyway . . . PB wants to know if you’ve got 44 extra bucks lying around in, say, your garbage can?

If you answered yes, PB wants you to know they have devised  a much more stylish way for you to throw away your money.

And that is by purchasing this One-of-a-Kind, Giant-Fork, Paper-Towel Holder:

The Cucina Paper Towel Holder

The PB Catalog describes this item simply as a Cucina Paper Towel Holder hoping you won’t know what “Cucina” means and will be too lazy to look it up.

Pottery Barn is hoping you will assume “Cucina” means sustainable, recycled, eco-friendly, soy-based, dolphin-free materials hewn by a mystical enclave of  Mastercrafters headquartered in a barn made of pottery deep in the secret sustainable forests that Pottery Barn and Pottery Barn only has dibs on.

TO RECAP:  if tree falls in the sustainable forest?  Back off!  It belongs to Pottery Barn!

Oh, and a word of caution about the Cucina, Giant-Fork Paper Towel Holder.  If Father Time happens to drop by– be sure to hide this paper towel holder quickly.  He gets weird around forks.

Until next time . . . I love you (especially you, Pottery Barn!)