An Ode to Al Gore

An Ode To Al

Oh dear Al Gore, we love you so

For making up stuff, as you go

You’re so much fun, you’re such a  gas

And of late, a colossal mass!

You are The Man of all things global

The recipient of prizes, Nobel

There’s really nothing we can do

To fill your carbon footprint shoe!

Though the environment’s in such a state

There’s still not too much on your plate!

There’s greenhouse gas, there’s ecosystems

(Well it’s far too numerous to list ‘em)

Oh dear Al Gore, you always please

When a tear for polar bears you squeeze

And when you apply your concentration

You can actually pronounce “deforestation”!

Oh dear Al Gore, what would you do

If we weren’t burning fossil fuel

And melting glaciers left and right

To aid you in your noble fight!

When all is said and done, Dear Al

And you shuffle off to be God’s pal

Those pearly gates you’ll enter yet

For giving us the Internet

Until next time . . . I love you

A Bad Case of Pottery Barn Catalog-ism

OK, I admit it, Dear Readers.  I suffer from Pottery Catalog-ism!  This terrible disorder can strike anyone at anytime.  It is characterized by an intense over-interest in the Pottery Barn Catalog for which there is no known cure.

Please rest assured that I do not hold Pottery Barn in any way responsible for my condition.  But until a cure is found, the pages of the Pottery Barn Catalog shall be an endless source of interest to me.  With this in mind, let’s discuss:

Loose fit slip covers!  They’re imported!!

Pottery Barn is offering this “drop cloth loose-fit couch cover” for only $79.00. Nevermind that it took a whole heap of tucking, tugging and twisting as well as wringing, wrestling and wrenching plus a good amount of yanking and yelling (and sometimes even yodeling!) by the entire staff of Pottery Barn professionals made up of 25 designers, 17 craftsmen, 4 jugglers, and a wino who happened to be walking by — to get this thing to look like it’s worth 79 bucks.

Of course, it will look like this the first time somebody sits down on it:

“But I didn’t even lean back!”

But it doesn’t matter, drop-cloth couch slip covers are still cool!  Because why? Why because they’re imported, that’s why!  Which automatically makes them better.

PB doesn’t specify where they have imported them from, but this rustic little cottage in the Ukraine countryside looks  a tad familiar:

“The importers are here! Somebody get the Tide Stick! Hurry!”

 Now, let’s take a closer look at the coffee table shall we?

Pottery Barn is elevating the art of unexpected decor in this Nod-to-Dentistry vignette with its smart smattering of decorative dental instrumentation tastefully arranged in the dish and the re-purposed pickle jar.

And is that a roll of gauze or perhaps a drinking vessel reminiscent of a roll of gauze?  This can only mean one of two things: 1) PB customers are spending way too much money on imported, drop-cloth couch covers and re-purposed pickle jars — forcing them to perform their own root canals — or it’s simply Pottery Barn’s salute to gum disease.

Well shut our mouths, Dear Readers! Leave it to Pottery Barn to put the Causal Living in Rinsing and Spitting.

Until next time . . . I love you

Pottery Barn’s Intriguing Story About You!

Dear Readers!  The new Pottery Barn Catalog just arrived and not a moment too soon!  For you see, in this issue of The Catalog, Pottery Barn finally provides solutions to how we, as boring, ordinary citizens, can become more intriguing!

“Your Home Tells the Intriguing Story of who you are, where you’ve been and what inspires you most.” — Pottery Barn Catalog August 2012

What Pottery Barn means by this is that your home WILL tell an intriguing story of how intriguing you are IF you purchase fake-intriguing-story-about-you decor from Pottery Barn.

Frankly, PB suspects you’re not all that intriguing which is why Pottery Barn has taken the liberty of punching up your life through the use of decor that implies you are all that and a bag of potato chips. Let’s look as some examples, shall we?

The intriguing story this Pottery Barn wall decor says about you is:

  You don’t quite understand about the alphabet. 

Oh sure we all learned our ABC’s . . . except for you.  Why?  Because you were too busy helping Grams hunt for truffles at Martha’s Vineyard and, therefore, never attended school with all the other “saps” which means you can’t read or write. So now you obsessively nail gigantic wooden letters to your walls.  So what? That’s not weird, it’s intriguing!

The intriguing story this Pottery Barn vignette says about you is:

You’re favorite snack is honey and shredded Parmesan cheese.

Ah! Nothing quenches the thirst and eases the hunger pangs quite like a refreshing jar of honey and a big ol’ heaping bowl of shredded Parmesan cheese after a long day of helping Grams frantically dig for truffles at Martha’s Vineyard in the backyard estates of the rich and famous before they come home.

You and Grams prefer a snack that sticks to your ribs, your fingers as well as your Pottery Barn Vintage Printer’s Customizable Cabinet!  Oh sure, let people roll their eyes at how messy you are!  That’s the difference between them and you.  They’re stupid, and YOU’RE INTRIGUING!

The  intriguing story this Pottery Barn Blackboard says about you is:

Your grandmother is a drug dealer.

If you look closely at this blackboard, you will see that somebody has written “EMPTY Da Da Da Da.”  and  “Do EMPTY 4″ 

And you know you didn’t write it because you are too intriguing to know how to read and write.  Could it have been Grams?

Wait a minute why are the police leading Grams out to that police car?

What? All those truffles Grams was digging up (and sampling) turned out to be hallucinogenic mushrooms which she apparently was selling to earn money to purchase intriguing-story-about-you decor from Pottery Barn?

Ha ha!  That Grams!  While most grandmothers are sitting at home in their rocker knitting sweaters, reading  Reader’s Digest and clipping coupons, YOUR Grams is trading cigarettes, working out and filing appeals!

And if that doesn’t make YOU intriguing, Pottery Barn doesn’t know what does!

Until next time . . . I love you

Pottery Barn Calls Off the Search for Grams

Dear Readers,

When last we visited our Pottery Barn catalog, they were having an emergency.  Sadly, Pottery Barn’s beloved family matriarch “Grams” had gone missing.

This is Grams — The Pottery Barn Family’s Beloved Matriarch

Putting 2 and 2 together, Pottery Barn had ascertained after studying this white board ($54) that Grams was last seen truffle hunting on Labor Day in the Sustainable Pottery Barn Forests.

Pottery Barn’s Official Announcement

After looking everywhere including underneath the Valencia II Mahogany Sleigh Bed $599 ($150 savings!), Pottery Barn has completely given up their search for their beloved Grams and are no longer offering the $15.00 reward for her return  –dead or whatever — so they can turn the full force of their attention back onto the more important matter of selling overpriced Christmas decor.

Pottery Barn is quick to point out, however,  it’s not that they don’t dearly love Grams, it’s just that they don’t dearly love Grams all that much. (PB asks that you do not judge them.)

Okay that’s enough about Grams.  Let’s see what Christmas Pottery Barn Catalog has to offer this year:

The Glorious Pottery Barn Sustainable Forest Christmas Tree. hallelujah!!  Wait . . . who’s that looking in the window?  Uh . . . well PB says pay no attention to that old lady looking in the window.  She’s probably just some Homeless Pottery Barn Lifestyle Wannabe.

From its beaded snowflake tree-topper ($55), to its spectacularly quilted tree skirt ($55), Pottery Barn has chopped down this gorgeous Pine tree from The Pottery Barn Sustainable Forests in the prime of its life especially for the PB Catalog so that potential PB customers may feast their eyes upon it for approximately two and a half to three seconds.  Pottery Barn was careful to ensure that only 1 (one) wood nymph was accidentally killed in the process ($55 $6).

But Pottery Barn doesn’t want you to think about that now, Pottery Barn wants you to look at this:

A table setting fit for a King! From the exquisite pressed metal reindeer ($59 free shipping) to the candle votives pre-filled with wax and wick  ($24), to the lovely pine cone . . . wait a minute . . . there she is again! The homeless old lady . . . not to worry . . . Pottery Barn has called the authorities. Something will be done! PB asks that you avert your eyes away from the unpleasantness of the random old lady whom PB has never seen before in its life, btw, and concentrate instead, on the craftsmanship of the Lit Mercury Globes ($24.50).

And now Pottery Barn is proud to present for the first time anywhere  . . . drum roll please  . . . 

The Grams Commemorative Christmas Ornament Collector’s Edition

Nickel is the keyword here! Handcrafted out of nickle by the semi-skilled hands of nickle-over-minimum-wage PB Master Hand Crafters,  The Commemorative Grams Ornament promises to bring Christmas drama to any tree, be it from the Pottery Barn Sustainable Forest or be it from some other lesser quality forest.  At any rate,  Pottery Barn thinks you’ll agree The Commemorative Grams Ornament meets every expectation.  ($5,199 ea. or 6 for $7,599).

And finally, Pottery Barn is offering this Tivoli Coffee Table (delivery discount) with its fine mahogany finish:

The Tivoli Coffee Table echoes simple yet elegant country living and handcra—-wait a minute — uh oh . . . the old lady’s back . . . oh great!! Okay that does it!

Dear Readers, you will have to excuse Pottery Barn for skipping out on the end of this post as Pottery Barn has been called away on an emergency involving a little old lady — who PB has never seen before in its life — who may or may not be dangerous.

In any case, they are currently releasing the Pottery Barn Attack Dogs from their silver-plated,  attacked-dog cages from the Raleigh Kennel Collection ($1,999) and regret having to leave so abruptly.

Until next time . . . Pottery Barn wants you to know that it loves you (as far as you know).

A Pottery Barn Emergency: Grams is Missing!

Dear Readers,

There is troubling news afoot!   Pottery Barn has issued an official all points bulletin to alert the public that Pottery Barn’s beloved Grams is missing!

Pottery Barn’s Daily System Tool White Board Calendar 24 x 19″ h. $54.00

According to the above pictured white board Grams left on Labor Day to go truffle hunting in the Pottery Barn Sustainable Forest (that Pottery Barn and Pottery Barn only has dibs on!) and hasn’t been seen since!  And frankly, Dear Readers,  Pottery Barn is starting to get worried!

Have You Seen This Person?

Pottery Barn Grams
Missing since Labor Day
Last seen Hunting Truffles in Pottery Barn Sustainable Forest
Wanted Dead or Alive (first choice would be alive)
$15.00 REWARD!!!!!

Naturally Pottery Barn is beside itself with concern and has placed a call to their enclave of Master Crafters headquartered in a barn made of pottery deep in the secret sustainable forests utilizing this Pottery Barn Grand Retro-Styled Phone: featuring flash, push buttons and redial, $59 — but, unfortunately, PB just keeps getting the answering machine (also retro-styled $79 – metal finish).

“Dear God Master Crafters please please pick up!”

Pottery Barn Investigators were able to trace Gram’s trail (by following the crushed walnut shells and orange peels – Grams’ favorite snack) to this outdoor sitting area featuring Pottery Barn’s FSLIC-certified solid eucalyptus  Chesapeake Collection Sectional $2,748 (free shipping).

The Pottery Barn lab test results revealed Gram’s tooth mark was indeed present in one of the Imported Chocolate AmarettoTruffels that Grams liked to pig out on always loved so much!

After that, the Pottery Barn Bloodhounds were then able to sniff out a trail leading to this beautiful Kensington Tilt Mirror framed in rust resistant solid brass.  Trackers are pretty certain that Grams jumped out of the window reflected therein.

It is believed that Gram’s barely had time to appreciate the Satin Nickel finish on this Kensington Tilt Mirror $179 and only available online –before hastily exiting the vignette.

Pottery is as bitterly disappointed as you and I, Dear Readers, that they, as yet, have not been able to locate Grams.  But they have vowed to keep looking until they either find their beloved Grams or get tired of looking!  Until then, Pottery Barn will be holding a candlelight vigil/candle sale at a Pottery Barn stores nationwide.

Pottery Barn’s signature pillar candle is hand-poured of pure unscented paraffin with a 100% cotton wick so that the tunnel burns straight down so that the sides hold up and the candle burns from within until Grams is found. 4″ diam., 4.5″ h. $24 $23 (Saturday only)

Until next time . . . if you see Grams remember there’s $15 in it for you!

Pottery Barn: What’s Wrong with Grams?

Hello Dear Readers!  Today it is time to put laughter and happiness aside, at least momentarily, to conduct a little Pottery Barn Family counseling.  For you see, something is terribly wrong with one of Pottery Barn’s most beloved family members . . . .Grams.

As you can see from this snippet of the Pottery Barn’s Daily System White Board Calendar ($54) of which Gram’s plays an integral part, Grams is usually a very busy gal what with all the Labor Day Truffle hunting and the hours spent picking out cat colors for the bedroom.

But frankly Grams has been acting peculiar lately.  In fact, sometimes Grams’ lucidity is a bit sketchy.

Let’s just come right out and say it,  there’s an elephant in the tastefully designed Pottery Barn Family living room featuring Benchwright Collection (skillfully handcrafted by Canadian people $5,180), and her name is Grams.

For instance, yesterday Grams was supposed to be laying out a stylish brunch for the Pottery Barn Family on the Artisan-made Cambria Cortona buffet (handcrafted by Portuguese Mermen $4,480.99) and, well, things got a little crazy.  A little inexplicable.  A little no longer in touch with reality-ish, if you will.

Let’s take a look at the buffet supper that Grams put together.

As you can see, the first thing Grams did was inexplicably saw off the bed posts from the Pottery Barn Family’s beautifully crafted Claudia Bed Collection (an Edwardian style update — updated by Ed himself $1849), just so she could put it on the buffet table. You can also see that Grams took it upon herself to randomly nail cereal bowls to the wall.

 Uh oh . . . this can only mean one thing. Grams finally discovered where her Pottery Barn Family hid the hammer and the saw from her after the “incident” last spring. . .and where did they hide it?  Why in  the beautifully crafted Andover Drawer Cabinet  (weathered by the tears of  Carolina pine forest wood nymphs $2,249).

“I’ll find me that there hammer and saw if  it’s the last thing I do!” Oh wait . . . here they is in the very first drawer HA!.”  — Grams

Now let’s take a look at the really troubling sign that Grams is completely out of her gourd  by examining  the so-called “brunch” Grams put together.

It seems as plain as the nose on Grams’ face, that Grams is having a little trouble with her ability to carry out even the simplest of tasks like preparing a lavishly stylish brunch that would be pleasing to the collective eyes, ears, nose and throat of her Pottery Barn Family.

First, Grams polished off three large tumblers of wine (in three different glasses).  And then Grams laid out a brunch for her Pottery Barn Family consisting of one giant bowl of potatoes and grapes, one hammer-smashed walnut and half an orange peel.

As you will no doubt agree, the Pottery Barn Family had no choice but to schedule a lobotomy for their beloved Grams — not only for her own good; but for the collective good of the Pottery Barn Family’s home –a home, after all,  that is a vivid reflection of their passions, their dreams and their elegant decorating style.  Sans one crazy old lady, that is!

Until next time . . . I love you and so does Pottery Barn (oh who are we kidding, no they don’t!)

The Pottery Barn Decor That Will Make You More Intriguing

Dear Readers!  The new Pottery Barn Catalog just arrived and not a moment too soon!  For you see, in this issue of The Catalog, Pottery Barn finally provides solutions to how we, as boring, ordinary citizens, can become more intriguing!

“Your Home Tells the Intriguing Story of who you are, where you’ve been and what inspires you most.” — Pottery Barn Catalog August 2012

What Pottery Barn means by this is that your home WILL tell an intriguing story of how intriguing you are IF you purchase fake-intriguing-story-about-you decor from Pottery Barn.

Frankly, PB suspects you’re not all that intriguing which is why Pottery Barn has taken the liberty of punching up your life through the use of decor that implies you are all that and a bag of potato chips. Let’s look as some examples, shall we?

What fake, intriguing story do the decorative elements in this Pottery Barn room say about you?

The intriguing story this Pottery Barn wall decor says about you is:

  You don’t quite understand about the alphabet. 

Oh sure we all learned our ABC’s . . . except for you.  Why?  Because you were too busy helping Grams hunt for truffles at Martha’s Vineyard and, therefore, never attended school with all the other “saps” which means you can’t read or write. So now you obsessively nail gigantic wooden letters to your walls.  So what? That’s not weird, it’s intriguing!

The intriguing story this Pottery Barn vignette says about you is:

You’re favorite snack is honey and shredded Parmesan cheese.

Ah! Nothing quenches the thirst and eases the hunger pangs quite like a refreshing jar of honey and a big ol’ heaping bowl of shredded Parmesan cheese after a long day of helping Grams frantically dig for truffles at Martha’s Vineyard in the backyard estates of the rich and famous before they come home.

You and Grams prefer a snack that sticks to your ribs, your fingers as well as your Pottery Barn Vintage Printer’s Customizable Cabinet!  Oh sure, let people roll their eyes at how messy you are!  That’s the difference between them and you.  They’re stupid, and YOU’RE INTRIGUING!

The  intriguing story this Pottery Barn Blackboard says about you is:

Your grandmother is a drug dealer.

If you look closely at this blackboard, you will see that somebody has written “EMPTY Da Da Da Da.”  and  “Do EMPTY 4″ 

And you know you didn’t write it because you are too intriguing to know how to read and write.  Could it have been Grams?

Wait a minute why are the police leading Grams out to that police car?

What? All those truffles Grams was digging up (and sampling) turned out to be hallucinogenic mushrooms which she apparently was selling to earn money to purchase intriguing-story-about-you decor from Pottery Barn?

Ha ha!  That Grams!  While most grandmothers are sitting at home in their rocker knitting sweaters, reading  Reader’s Digest and clipping coupons, YOUR Grams is trading cigarettes, working out and filing appeals!

And if that doesn’t make YOU intriguing, Pottery Barn doesn’t know what does!

Until next time . . . I love you

Fish it From the Archives Friday: Keeping Busy The Pottery Barn Way!

Just when you think life has dulled itself down to a stub,  the new Pottery Barn Catalog arrives! Talk about reigniting your passion for living!

Oh Goodie Goodie Gumdrops! Let us rub out collective hands together and start our Pottery Barn discussion with:

The Pottery Barn Activity Center

Clearly Pottery Barn is trying to get us to be a little more constructive in our spare time. To that end, PB has designed this (get a life) activity center. As you can see from the picture, Pottery Barn feels passionately that thread is the KEY FACTOR when it comes to any activity.

What is PB trying to say?

Perhaps The Potter Barn Activity Center is PB’s polite way of telling us that we need to get off our collective squishy bums and start actively LIVING LIFE before Father Time pokes us with a fork, we’re done.

As Dorothy Parker once said, “There will be plenty of time to do nothing once we’re dead.”

Therefore it is imperative that you buy yourself a Pottery Barn Activity Center right this very minute!  Don’t just say, “Oh I’ll  actively fiddle with thread tomorrow.”  What if you don’t make it to tomorrow.  Huh?  Then what?

“Get Busy Livin’ or Get Busy Dyin” . . .  You’re call.

PB wants to know how you would like being on your deathbed never having experienced the activities in their beautiful Activity Center.  So stop wasting time and start flipping through that old Botany notebook ASAP, reread those old postcards, pronto!  Don’t just sit there!  Time’s a wastin’ – for heaven’s sakes at least PUT A CLAMP ON SOMETHING!

Yeah, The Pottery Barn Activity Center is $129.  So What?

Pottery Barn is asking you nicely not to let the $129 price tag deter you from buying their super-duper-essential Pottery Barn Activity Center.  If Pottery Barn has implored you once, they’ve implored you a thousand times not to nickel and dime yourself out of your one true chance at happiness.

Now, stop arguing and go get your purse or wallet and march yourself down to Pottery Barn . . . Ten Hut!

Oh . . . and since you’re going there anyway . . . PB wants to know if you’ve got 44 extra bucks lying around in, say, your garbage can?

If you answered yes, PB wants you to know they have devised  a much more stylish way for you to throw away your money.

And that is by purchasing this One-of-a-Kind, Giant-Fork, Paper-Towel Holder:

The Cucina Paper Towel Holder

The PB Catalog describes this item simply as a Cucina Paper Towel Holder hoping you won’t know what “Cucina” means and will be too lazy to look it up.

Pottery Barn is hoping you will assume “Cucina” means sustainable, recycled, eco-friendly, soy-based, dolphin-free materials hewn by a mystical enclave of  Mastercrafters headquartered in a barn made of pottery deep in the secret sustainable forests that Pottery Barn and Pottery Barn only has dibs on.

TO RECAP:  if tree falls in the sustainable forest?  Back off!  It belongs to Pottery Barn!

Oh, and a word of caution about the Cucina, Giant-Fork Paper Towel Holder.  If Father Time happens to drop by– be sure to hide this paper towel holder quickly.  He gets weird around forks.

Until next time . . . I love you (especially you, Pottery Barn!)

Pottery Barn FAQ’s

This is NOT your ordinary wicker chair.  It’s a Pottery Barn chair! Which can only mean one thing:  this chair was made entirely of sea grass . . . SUSTAINABLE sea grass! 

Naturally everybody and their dog wants to know how Pottery Barn makes a chair out of sustainable sea grass.  How? how? how? everybody asks!  Woof? Woof? Woof?  asks everybody’s dogs.

And so, here’s some Pottery Barn Sustainable Sea Grass FAQ’s:

What does Pottery Barn mean by seagrass?

Pottery Barn knew you wouldn’t know that.  Like most Americans, you have probably never spent much time, if any, walking around on the bottom of the ocean like Pottery Barn has.  But if you did, you would find that on the bottom of every ocean is a gigantic lawn where sea creatures of all shapes and sizes bring their families to relax, play croquet and run three-tentacled races.

What does Pottery Barn mean by sustainable?

You don’t get out much do you?  After paying out beaucoup bucks and attending umpteen seminars on global warming and adhering to strict guidelines ad nauseam, PB has become licensed by Al Gore, himself, to use the word sustainable to describe a person, place or thing in Pottery Barn catalogs until well past the year 2017.

What does Pottery Barn mean by sustainable seagrass?

You would ask that.  Sustainable seagrass is any seagrass that has been painstakingly trimmed by the very fingers of Al Gore, himself,  in such a way as to make it grow back quickly and also in such as way as to give Al Gore a killer back ache in such a way as to cause Al Gore to hire a female masseuse to come to his room and give him a massage in such a way as to cause Al Gore to act so weird his wife divorces him.

But how does Pottery Barn make a chair out of seagrass?

Nosy aren’t you?  Again the answer lies with  Al Gore. As you may or may not know, Al Gore used to be the Vice President of the United States of America where he spent hours upon hours snacking on Funions and waiting for something untoward to happen to Bill Clinton.  He managed to keep busy by inventing a process he calls braiding.

On any given day, you can find Al Gore along with Leonardo Di Caprio (Al Gore’s best-looking, boot-licker sidekick) busily braiding sustainable seagrass chairs, lamps and even masseuse tables for Pottery Barn to offer to their highly discerning customers who are willing to pay top dollar for any furniture braided by Al and Leo as long as they 1) promise to wash their hands first and 2) promise to preface all Al and Leo’s offerings with the adjective “sustainable.”

But why does Pottery Barn call itself a  pottery barn when it is clearly a store?

Go away kid you bother me.

 

Until next time  . . . I love you (way more than Pottery Barn)

Thank You Pottery Barn for Life Itself!

Are you living your life like wind tossed lint?  Bouncing hither and yon at nature’s whim –never knowing the difference between up nor down nor side nor ways? 

Well, Pottery Barn has a solution for that, Dear Reader, and it’s called:

The Pottery Barn Daily System

That’s right!  Pottery Barn and their “Daily System” has finally found a way to make keeping track of your family’s events a full time job!

Finally something to fill the loney hours of your day from dawn to dusk and vice versa!  Waahoo-ee!!

Now, the first thing you do – using PB’s Daily System – is polish off a bottle of beer and a bottle of wine and then rinse them out and place them on their designated spots on the shelf (as pictured). Once that task has been completed,  you’re  going to be  in the mood to write something rather odd and crazy on the blackboard just like Pottery Barn did. 

You could either copy PB and write “Summer Night Alive and Bright” or come up with your own drunken phrase. 

And since the blackboard is at the tippy top of the Daily System, you will need to climb up on the desk (which Pottery Barn designed just for this purpose) and carefully . . . watch it now! . . . write on the blackboard.

  Of course, while you are up there, you might as well grab a couple of pens and pencils . . .  oh and don’t forget the scissors, grab those too, while you’re at it. (You never know!) 

But do be careful don’t– whoops!  Did you fall down?  PB anticipated that might happen.  Hopefully the desk broke your fall and you can still read the family activities that have been written on the white board — because you might have to make some changes to those activities.

For instance, you’re probably going to have to skip the 4th of July celebration altogether, who knows if you will have regained feeling in your arms and legs by then — of course, Dad could ice your back for you if wasn’t traveling all week.  (Isn’t that always the way!)

And you’re probably going to have to  find a way to break it to Curtis that you can’t drive him to sailing lessons due to your being paralysed and all. (But watch out! Curtis isn’t going to like it!)

And the Palmer dinner thing . . . well, if all that involved was Palmer eating a bowl of Mac and Cheese while conversing with you about Curtis’s sailing abilities while you lay paralyzed on the desk –then there’s  no need to cancel that one! YAY!

Ah! That Pottery Barn!  Always working around the clock to make your pathetic life better! You gotta love ‘em!

Until next time . . . I love you

Pottery Barn Might Be People But They’re Not Like You and Me!

Browsing through the latest Pottery Barn catalog reminds me of the I Love Lucy episode where Fred, Ethel and Lucy are in Hollywood dining at the Brown Derby to spot movie stars:

Eating at the Brown Derby

Announcer:  Telephone call for Ava Gardner.

Fred: Where? Where?

Ethel:  Fred, remember,  she’s just people like you and me.

Fred:  She might be people but she’s not like you and me!

Well the same goes for Pottery Barn.

For instance,  Pottery Barn tells us this is a “Family Home”.  How do we know this?  Because it says FAMILY HOME in great big letters.  Underneath that it says:

 ”A home is where a family lives together.” Pottery Barn Catalog,   (January 2012) Page: 54

The Pottery Barn Catalog goes on to platitude-ize, “For your family home makes every room a place to catch up and reconnect.”

And in that vein may I present:

The Pottery Barn People Pizza Fantasy:

I would imagine when the Pottery Barn People were creating this space, they were imagining the following family scenario:

Off camera we hear a daughter’s voice answering a cell phone call from her mom:

“Hello?  Oh hello, Mummy!  What’s that?  Oh yes, rest assured Dearest Mother that I have just this very moment removed the fresh-fig pizzas from the open flames of our very own Pizza Oven and tastefully set them upon the two-teared pizza serving platter.  What’s that?   Yes Mother! Of course it’s the platter that is crafted from sustainable wood with an exclusive Signature Whiskey Finish, I’m not an idiot!  What’s that Mummy?  Oh yes, I’d say  everything is ready, and it’s time to round up Father, Brother and Sister from within the walls of our home where our family lives together!  What’s that?  Yes, Mother!  I know we need to  reconnect with one another by gathering round our casual, yet  boldly-scaled table made entirely from reclaimed pine for which we paid $1,999  and dig in!   I am not an idiot!”

The Real People Pizza Reality:

“Hey Everybody!  Pizza’s here!   Grab your sodas and turn on Seinfeld!

Until next time . . . I love you

Pottery Barn Sad

Good News!  The latest edition of the Pottery Barn Catalog arrived by Pottery Barn Pony Express just seconds ago!

Let’s open a page at random, shall we?

Finally, a glimpse into the mind of the Pottery Barn People for whom the Pottery Barn Rooms have been specifically decorated for! 

This isn't just a white board, it's a way of life!

Pottery Barn is offering this whiteboard to its customers for $54!  Oh sure, Pottery Barn knows you can get the exact same thing at Wal-Mart for $10. 

They didn’t just fall off the truffle truck yesterday, you know! 

But PB also knows that the real value of this white board lies not in the actual white board itself; but in the hip, aristocratic lifestyle that has been casually, yet carefully outlined for us in a manner that implies the targeted Pottery Barn Person of whom we are speaking is either a) descended from royalty or b) vice versa.

Is this the stuff us ordinary people’s dreams are made of or what?

As you can see written on the $54 white board, Pottery Barn is going “Truffle Hunting on Labor Day!”

Probably with the Queen of England and Camilla who they will make do all the digging, of course.  (But that’s another Pottery Barn story for another Pottery Barn day.)

On the 17th is scribbled:  “Grams” 

Now we aren’t sure exactly who or what Grams is.  Either PB is planning a Graham Cracker Festival that day; or something is going on with Grandma – even though Pottery Barn wouldn’t be caught dead referring to “Grams” as Grandma because that would significantly lower the price of their $54 white board back down to Wal-Mart’s $10 price.

No, Pottery Barn is probably referring to  ”Dear ol’ Grams” who is bff with the Queen and who organizes the family truffle hunt every year. 

Yes Grams! Who was also the first woman to ever romp on the beach wearing nothing but a barrel and a puffy hat back in 1874 – which is why sometimes Pottery Barn doesn’t want people to know about Grams.

"Dear Ol Grams" just seconds before the madness happened.

Then on the 8th, there’s an interesting note that simply reads: Pick cat color for bedroom! 

Rest assured, dear reader, that Pottery Barn will choose a cat the coloring of which will not only flatter; but will also go so far as to worship the Benjamin Moore paint colors in the bedroom.

350 Thread Count Kitty Boasting Persian Hand-dyed Eyes should do nicely!

But sadly, the very next day  – in square 24 of PB’s $54 white board - there’s a rather ominous magnetic letter “d” just sticking there as magnets are wont to do.

This can only mean one of two things a) Divorce or b) Diflorce and since Deflorce  isn’t a word it’s probably Divorce. But anyway, Pottery Barn doesn’t feel like talking about it.  OK? 

Let’s respect that.

Until next time . . . I love you

If You Find a Bag of Adjectives, They’re Pottery Barn’s

Oh Happy Day!  Joy of Joys!  A new Pottery Barn Catalog!  Let’s flip through some pages together, shall we?

Hey!  Lookie!   This Pottery Barn Sectional is made entirely out of Sustainable Seagrass!

So apparently there’s a big ol’ lawn on the bottom of the ocean that Pottery Barn mows to get seagrass clippings so they can make couches out of it.  Who knew?

Of course, PB is sure to tell us that the seagrass is SUSTAINABLE.  In fact, upon closer inspection, the only adjective used in this month’s Pottery Barn catalog seems to be the word  ”sustainable”.  I have no idea why this is — but I’m happy to make something up.   

Once upon a time last week, a careless Pottery Barn catalog-writer temp forgot to lock the safe where Pottery Barn keeps all its “power-selling adjectives” And somebody stole them all! 

Except for the word “SUSTAINABLE” which, luckily, the Pottery Barn Catalog Editor takes home with him each night to safely stow under his pillow for safekeeping because “SUSTAINABLE” is their single, most-important, show-me-the-money adjective EVER!

And if somebody were to steal that one, Pottery Barn would go bust in nothing flat!

In fact, PB would probably not argue with the assertion that the only difference between them and The Dollar Store  is PB’s genius for inserting their prize adjective “sustainable” 17 times on every single page.

Anyway, getting back to the sustainable seagrass that PB likes to make couches out of.

This might be a good time to point out that keeping the lawn on the bottom of the sea  sustainable is no small feat.  In fact, it’s a waterloggingly, back-breakingly, eyeburningly difficult task if ever there was one.

Pottery Barn goes down deep to get to the bottom to stay on top!

First of all:

To keep the seagrass growing nicely, Pottery Barn Scuba Divers have to dive way down deep to lay an underground sprinkling system on the ocean floor lawn and then swim clear back up to the surface to turn the faucet on and then swim clear back down to the bottom again to make sure all the zones are being watered properly.

Next thing you know,  Pottery Barn has divers dropping left and right from the bends, and they have yet to even fire up the underwater lawnmower!

Just thinking about it makes Pottery Barn tired, crabby and somewhat explosive.

Second of all:

Add to that, all the labor involved in the upkeep of the underwater barbed-wire fences to keep the seagrass safe from the hungry mouths of seasheep, and Pottery Barn is hard pressed to make its usual 5,000 percent profit margin and may have to suffice with only a 4,998 percent profit margin.  (Plus the small loss of some of the actual divers themselves — mostly just the small ones.)

The bottom line is there is absolutely nothing Pottery Barn won’t do to bring you beautiful decorating people!  NOTHING!

And please be of good cheer, everyone, for we still have 166 more  pages of our beloved Pottery Barn Catalog to peruse together . . . and if that doesn’t bring you in off the ledge, I don’t know what will.

Until next time . . . I love you

Pottery Barn Gives Us Another Reason Not to Runaway with the Circus!

Just when you think life has dulled itself down to a stub,  the new Pottery Barn Catalog arrives! Talk about reigniting your passion for living!

Oh Goodie Goodie Gumdrops! Let us rub out collective hands together and start our Pottery Barn discussion with:

The Pottery Barn Activity Center

Clearly Pottery Barn is trying to get us to be a little more constructive in our spare time. To that end, PB has designed this (get a life) activity center. As you can see from the picture, Pottery Barn feels passionately that thread is the KEY FACTOR when it comes to any activity.

What is PB trying to say?

Perhaps The Potter Barn Activity Center is PB’s polite way of telling us that we need to get off our collective squishy bums and start actively LIVING LIFE before Father Time pokes us with a fork, we’re done.

As Dorothy Parker once said, “There will be plenty of time to do nothing once we’re dead.”

Therefore it is imperative that you buy yourself a Pottery Barn Activity Center right this very minute!  Don’t just say, “Oh I’ll  actively fiddle with thread tomorrow.”  What if you don’t make it to tomorrow.  Huh?  Then what?

“Get Busy Livin’ or Get Busy Dyin” . . .  You’re call.

PB wants to know how you would like being on your deathbed never having experienced the activities in their beautiful Activity Center.  So stop wasting time and start flipping through that old Botany notebook ASAP, reread those old postcards, pronto!  Don’t just sit there!  Time’s a wastin’ – for heaven’s sakes at least PUT A CLAMP ON SOMETHING!

Yeah, The Pottery Barn Activity Center is $129.  So What?

Pottery Barn is asking you nicely not to let the $129 price tag deter you from buying their super-duper-essential Pottery Barn Activity Center.  If Pottery Barn has implored you once, they’ve implored you a thousand times not to nickel and dime yourself out of your one true chance at happiness.

Now, stop arguing and go get your purse or wallet and march yourself down to Pottery Barn . . . Ten Hut!

Oh . . . and since you’re going there anyway . . . PB wants to know if you’ve got 44 extra bucks lying around in, say, your garbage can?

If you answered yes, PB wants you to know they have devised  a much more stylish way for you to throw away your money.

And that is by purchasing this One-of-a-Kind, Giant-Fork, Paper-Towel Holder:

The Cucina Paper Towel Holder

The PB Catalog describes this item simply as a Cucina Paper Towel Holder hoping you won’t know what “Cucina” means and will be too lazy to look it up.

Pottery Barn is hoping you will assume “Cucina” means sustainable, recycled, eco-friendly, soy-based, dolphin-free materials hewn by a mystical enclave of  Mastercrafters headquartered in a barn made of pottery deep in the secret sustainable forests that Pottery Barn and Pottery Barn only has dibs on.

TO RECAP:  if tree falls in the sustainable forest?  Back off!  It belongs to Pottery Barn!

Oh, and a word of caution about the Cucina, Giant-Fork Paper Towel Holder.  If Father Time happens to drop by– be sure to hide this paper towel holder quickly.  He gets weird around forks.

Until next time . . . I love you (especially you, Pottery Barn!)

More Pottery Barn Razing

Well, look what our beloved Pottery Barn has dreamed up this time?

 Obviously this is a topic that is near and dear to PB’s heart as they so tear-jerkingly expressed in their heartfelt catalog copy:

“Our deep admiration for the honeybee and sympathy for its mysterious plight gave us an idea . . . “

An idea for a new way to make money, that is!

Hence we are presented with Pottery Barn’s “Things That Fly Dinnerware.”

Uh. . . excuse me, PB, but aren’t “things that fly” exactly the kinds of things we are trying to keep OFF our dinnerware?  Well, whatever, we’ll take your word for it . . . for now.

Pottery Barn says the Things That Fly Dinnerware has plates that are “debossed.” Debossed?  Must PB make us look everything up in the dictionary?  Apparently so . . . sigh.

debossed [dē′bȯst] (graphic arts) Having a depressed pattern on the surface of a material.  

Now is this really a good thing Pottery Barn?  I mean, won’t it make your oh so Hoity Toity Honeybee Brunch kind of annoying since you are obviously pushing honey, honey and more honey? I’m sorry to have to be the one to break it to you, but all that honey is just going to pool in the depressions of the debossed “Things That Fly Dinnerware” plates and then it’s going to be a pretty sticky situation from thereon in.

For instance, I see two bottles of honey on the table as it is and there are probably more in the back room where PB has hundreds of hives of honeybees working round the clock every day of the year cranking out honey for Pottery Barn catalog vignettes (mysterious “plight”, my foot!)

Hey bub! I was supposed to get my break an hour ago!

Anyway, so you know there’s going to be heaping helpings of honey on hand. 

But what else is there going to be to eat at this so-called Honey Brunch?  Well, it looks like there will be some really pretty fruit in a dish called Wanda.

Just kidding.  Its official PB catalog name is “Flower Footed Fruit Bowl.”  What a tragically forfeited opportunity for PB when they could have called it a Flower Footed Fruit Bowl with a Floy Floy.   But PB is much too young to know about such references.  In fact, I think I hear Pottery Barn’s Mother calling right now. . . if I’m not mistaken (and I doubt that I am).

Then, of course, there’s going to be a piece of bread lavishly slathered with pomegranate margarine, it looks like anyway,  along with some other types of breads that apparently can’t be trusted to be out on the table without proper confinement.  After all, this Honey Brunch has to have bread so that it can absorb all the honey stuck in the debossed depressions of the “Things That Fly Dinnerware” plates.

John Barleycorn et al

And lastly but not leastly, PB has provided a plethora of choices in which to drown one’s Pottery Barn annoyances with this charming big bucket o’ booze priced at $129. (Booze, ice and fake sunshine not included).

And notice there’s a small bucket too, priced at just $19 for that special someone who prefers drinking alone.  And since the grand total for the “Things That Fly Dinnerware” comes to well over $600 for the silliest reason for a brunch that ever was — that special someone will probably be the host.

Until next time . . . I love you