The Bible According to Gregory: Noah Rethinks His Carpentry Skills

“Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of The Bible According to Gregory.

Every week, Gregory goes to Sunday school. Every week his imagination runs wild during the lessons, and every week he comes home with his own version of the story.

Let’s listen in and see what the lesson was about this week, shall we? 

 LInda Vernon humoous bible storiesNoah Rethinks His Carpentry Skills

When last we left Noah, God was explaining to Noah about how wicked everyone on earth was and how evil their thoughts were and that He was sorry He had ever made them.

Noah:  Don’t be discouraged about how mankind turned out, Lord.  You’ve got to remember it was your first try at making large amounts of people.

God:  I’m full of regret, Noah.  Everyone on earth is thinking evil thoughts all the time.

Noah:  Well maybe if you didn’t listen in on their thoughts so much.  Maybe you just need a vacation from everybody’s thoughts.

God:  See that’s what I like about you Noah, you’re upbeat!  You don’t have any faults!  You’re the only good man of your time.

Noah:  Ah shucks, God, you’re embarrassing me.

God:  No, I mean that.  Out of all of mankind, I only like you.  You’re my best friend!  Mankind is like a way, way distant second compared to you, Noah. You’re the only good man I ever created.  In fact, come here, I want to give you a big hug.

Noah:  Awkward.

God:  Come on! I won’t bite!  I may wipe you out in a flood, but I won’t bite!

Noah:  God you made a joke!

God:  I did?  Well you bring out the best in me, Noah.  Say, you wouldn’t happen to have anymore of that pomegranate wine cooler on hand would you?

Noah:  Sure do you want one?

God:  Does a bear sit in the woods?

Noah:  Ah ha ha! You made another joke, Lord!

God:  I don’t get it.  What’s the joke?

Noah:  Well, you know, because a bear doesn’t sit in the woods it— uh . . . hey,   you want that wine cooler in a glass, God, or do you want to drink it right out of the pottery vessel?

God:   Just give me the vessel.  Anyway,  like I was saying, Noah.  I have decided to put an end to all of mankind.  I will destroy them completely because the world is full of their violent deeds.  Mm . . .great wine cooler  Do you have any  Pringles?

Noah:  Yes but they’re a little stale.  The expiration date was 500 years ago. I borrowed them from Grandpa Methusula.

God:  Is he still alive?  Awesome!

Noah:  He’s 969, but could pass for a 700, I kid you not!

God:  Super!  Anyway, getting back to the flood I’m sending to wipe out every living thing on earth except for you and your family; I took the liberty of drawing up some plans so you can build a boat.

Noah:  But Lord!  I can’t even figure out how to put  together  a bookshelf.

God:  Oy pshaw Noah!  All you have to do is make a boat with  some rooms in it, cover it with tar inside and out, make it 450 feet long, 75 feet wide and 45 feet high, make a roof with a space of 18 inches between the roof and the sides.  Then simply construct three decks and slap a door on the side.  It’s just you’re basic biblical boat.  No big whoop.  Don’t over-think it.

noah

“My boat building skills are kind of iffy, Lord.  On a scale of one to ten, how do you feel about rafts?

Noah:  But Lord, when it comes to carpentry I’m all thumbs.

God:  You’re kidding me.  Where were you when I was passing out  fingers?

Noah:  I was . . . no Lord.  It’s just an expression.

God:    Listen, Noah, why don’t you get your three sons to help you out with building the boat.  What are their names again?  Moe, Curly and Shemp?

Noah:  But Lord the oldest one is only a hundred.  He can’t even walk yet.

God:  Oh well I’m a little worried then.  Maybe I’ll have to wipe you–

Noah:  No no no no no no no!  Lord!  I was just kidding!  I can build a boat. Absolutely! Positively!  Not a problem at all.  I’ll  get ‘er done!

God:  I’m so relieved to hear you say that Noah.  Because building that boat?

Noah:  Yeah.

God:  Well that’s the easy part.  Wait til you hear what I’ve got in mind for step two . . .

And there you have it,  Dear Readers.  This week’s edition of what Gregory surmised in Sunday School this morning.  Please check back next week to learn about Step two of God’s plan for Noah.

Noah and God

Until next time  . . . I love you

The Bible According to Gregroy: The Day After Noah’s Birthday Party

 “Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of The Bible According to Gregory.

Every week, Gregory goes to Sunday school. Every week his imagination runs wild during the lessons, and every week he comes home with his own version of the story.

Let’s listen in and see what the lesson was about this week, shall we? 

 LInda Vernon humoous bible storiesThe Day After Noah’s Birthday Party, Part 1

The day after Noah’s 600th birthday party, God came to talk to Noah while Noah was cleaning up.

God:  What are you doing Noah?  Where’d all this wax come from?

Noah:  Well you know, I turned 600 yesterday.  The older you get, the harder it is to blow out all your candles before they melt.

God:   Tell me about it!  That’s the exact reason I quit having birthday parties.

Noah:  Really?  Are you serious or are you kidding? I can never tell.

God:  Noah, you know I have no sense of humor.  Have you ever heard me laughing or heard of me laughing or even smiling?

Noah:  So you really do put candles on your birthday cake and invite all your friends over to celebrate with you?

God:  I would but you’re my only friend, Noah.

Noah:  Oh come on.  You’re pulling my leg. You must have lots of friends.

God:  No. I hate everybody I created on this stupid planet.

Noah:  God have you been sampling  the pomegranate wine again?

God:  In fact, I just came by to tell you that 1) I really like your new haircut and  2)   I’m going to wipe out these people I have created and also the animals and the birds, because I am sorry that I made any of them.  Except for you , Noah.

Noah:  Aha!  Always with the joking!  You had me going there for a minute, God.  Ha! What do you mean you have no sense of humor!  You’re funny!

God:  What do you mean funny?  Funny how?  You mean like I’m a clown?  Like I’m here to amuse you?  What do you mean funny?  Funny how?

Noah:  God, no . . . I mean  . . . I was just . . . .

God:  Never mind,  listen.   I was up all night working on a master plan to wipe out mankind.  First, I’m going to make it so that people only live to 120 from now on.

Noah:  Oh perfect!  That will pretty  much solve the birthday candle problem. Good thinking!  And then you won’t have to wipe everybody out , is that what you mean?

"Everyone living to a 120!" Yay!  I so like that idea, God, I can't even tell you!"

“Everyone living to 120!   Yay!   I so like that idea, God, I can’t even tell you!”

God:   Well no.  Then I thought I’d also send a flood on the earth to destroy every living being.  Except for you, Noah, because you’re my friend. What do you think of my plan?

Noah:  Cupcake?

God:  Sure!  Now see, it’s this kind thoughtfulness that makes me not want to wipe you out along with every living thing on earth . . . mm. . . .lemon filling!  You remembered!  Can I have two?

Noah:  Of course!  Oh and here’s those hankies I promised you with your initials.

God:   “L.G .Y.” ?

Noah:  For  “Lord God Yahweh”  since you never really told me your last name.

God:  Ah!  That is just so super sweet!  Thank you!

Noah:  Not a problem.

God:  So anyway, getting back to my plan to wipe out every living thing on earth, I was thinking that maybe you could–

Noah:  Care for a Pomegranate wine cooler?

God:  Oh don’t mind if I do!

Noah:  Cocktail napkin?

God:  Thank you.

Noah:  How about another cupcake too?

God:  Sure! Now let’s see where was I?

Noah:  Uh, you were talking about how you were going to lower the life expectancy 120.  Here, have some more pomegranate wine cooler.  Say when . . .

God:  You know, Noah, you’re really awfully nice.  Is it getting hot in here to you Noah?

Noah:  Listen, I’m going to run next door  and get more pomegranate wine cooler. Hang tight.  I’ll be right back.

God:  Okay.  Oh, and Noah?

Noah:  Yes?

God:  You gonna eat that last cupcake?

And there you have it, Dear Readers, this week’s edition of what Gregory surmised in Sunday School this morning.  Please check back next week for Part 2 of The Day After Noah’s Birthday Party.

Noah borrowing wine cooler

Until next time . . . I love you

Sunday School Dropout Bible Stories: The Story of Noah

“Think we’ll all fit?”
“I don’t know, I was asking around and the Unicorns don’t seem to think so.”

A very, very, very, very long time ago (biblical scholars disagree on the exact amount of  verys) there was a man named Noah who was very ,very, very old (here three verys is widely accepted).

Back in the day when Noah lived, lifespans were much longer — and nobody fell and couldn’t get up until they were well past 500 years old.

When Noah was 500 years old, he had three sons which meant he was raising teens when he was 513 years old — proving that wisdom doesn’t always come with age. (His sons were named Shem, Ham and Japheth which ALL biblical scholars agree were horrible names.)

During these years, the people of earth were basically running hog wild, some people were giants, some people were supernatural beings and some people were goats. The whole kit and kaboodle was  just one big, fat, ugly mess.  You don’t even want to know the details! Whenever God looked down on the earth, He just felt sick, so He decided to cause a great flood and start again from scratch.

But God really liked Noah because Noah was well-mannered, and agreeable and laughed at all his jokes.

God told Noah what his plans were.

God:  Hello Noah?  It’s me, God, say, I was just thinking I would destroy everybody on earth because they are all so evil, you know what I mean?

Noah:  Oh absolutely! Definitely! I don’t blame you one bit! Ha ha!

God:  Yes, well, I’ve decided to let you live.

Noah:  Who moi?  Aw shucks, thanks God!

God:  Not a problem. Anyway, you need to build an ark 450 feet long and 75 feet wide and 45 feet high leaving 18 inches between the roof and the . . . are you writing this down?

Noah:  No

God:  Ok, I’ll wait while you go find a pencil.

While God was waiting on Noah, he couldn’t help looking around.  Golden idols and empty wine jugs were strewn everywhere, the lute and harp music was blaring so loud God couldn’t hear Himself think, and everyone was shouting, “gimme! gimme! gimme!” at the top of their lungs;  plus there was a lot of pushing and shoving and strangling going on.

God was happy when Noah finally came back with his pencil.

Later:

God:  Okay, Noah, let’s summarize.  I’ve given you specific, detailed instructions for you to build an ark, AND put two of every animal aboard. So read back what you’ve got.

Noah:  Oh sure!  Absolutely!  Let’s see here . . . you want me to build a boat-

God:  NO! Not a boat!  An Ark!  I want you to build an ARK !

Noah:  Ok, Ok, I’m erasing!  Let’s see . . . and you want me to put three of every kind of animal on board and–

God:  Not THREE!  TWO you idiot!

Noah:  OK, OK, I’m erasing already! . . .two. . .  you . . .  idiot– is there one or two t’s in idiot?

Oy! thought God.

Epilogue

After the flood dried up, and Noah got off the ark, the first thing he did was plant a vineyard.  Then he made some wine, got swacked, got naked, staggered to his tent and passed out.

The bible fails to mention what God thought of this.  Most scholars think it was OY!

“Noah! Are you just going to leave us here?”
“Was it something we said?”
“Has anybody seen my golden idol?”
“Moooooooo?”

Until next time . . . I love you

Confessions of a Sunday School Drop Out

The Story of Creation

In the beginning there was this word floating around in a big giant vat full of nothin’. Nobody knows what this word was, but let’s just hope it was a useful word, not too complicated. Something like “stipulate” or maybe something that was pronounced nothing like it was spelled like “rendezvous” to keep it a little more interesting.

In a little while from the opposite end of the vat God appeared. He reached out and grabbed that word, whatever it was, and swung it over his head scattering all the letters hither and yon, sending them flying to the farthest corners of the vat (it was a square vat).

All this new activity really got God fired up. He thought to himself why stop there? Why not create an entire universe replete with planets and suns and super nova’s and black holes because, in his heart of hearts, God was an astronomy major.

So that’s what he did, and it looked great so he thought “why stop there?” So he went ahead and made the earth, the sky, and the oceans. It turned out to be such a masterpiece that God invented the word agog so he would have something to be whenever he looked at it.

Now, since there was still a couple of days before the first day of the week, God decided he had a little extra time to really go all out and add some Zippidy Do Da to the place.

And that’s when he decided to make a man in his image using nothing but ordinary, garden-variety mud. God was quite a wizard with mud and soon he had created a man that looked just like him except that God looked more like Charleton Heston, and the man looked more like Gary Bussey which was a little disappointing for God but he wasn’t too hard on himself because it was his first try at making mud men.

God was shooting for this

Instead he got this

Anyway, God went ahead and gave the man the best name he could possibly think of – Adam — which was kind of an unimaginative name when you consider that none of the other names were taken, but, you know God. He always has to work in mysterious ways. So what are you gonna do?

Now how God got the idea for making Eve is anybody’s guess. Apparently he had gotten tired of working with the medium of mud and started looking around for something else to use. God’s eyes came to a rest on Adam and a peculiar expression crossed His Almighty Face.

Adam was all, “What?”

And God was all, “Nothing.”

And Adam was all, “Why are you looking at me like that?”

And God was all. “No reason. Nothing.  Never mind.”

Of course, somewhere in there God wrestled Adam to the ground and managed to get a hold of one his ribs and, quick like a bunny, fashioned it into a really, really pretty lady named Eve. And since Adam was a sucker for a pretty face, he really didn’t hold it against God too much that he had just ripped out one of his bones without any anesthesia.

As you can see, Eve was well worth the wait!

Rumor has it that God instructed Eve not to eat from the tree of knowledge because she was blonde and he wanted to keep her that way ha ha! But seriously, once God realized that his creations were practically incapable of holding up their end of the conversation, he knew he had to do something.

Just then a poor, little, defenseless, cute, little python was slithering by. God commanded him to stop mid-slither. The snake totally ignored God and continued on his way.

While God was trying to remember when the heck he created the snake, Eve ate an apple and talked Adam into eating some of it too.

After that, Adam and Eve went to Old Navy and each bought a whole new wardrobe and charged it to God.

“God’s awesome!