The Bible According to Gregory: Awkward Moments for Moses

Welcome, Dear Readers, to this Sunday’s edition of The Bible According to Gregory.

Let’s listen in and see what Gregory learned in Sunday school this morning, shall we?

Awkward Moments For Moses

One beautiful biblical morning, the Lord began to saying to Moses.  “Depart and go up from here to the land of which I swore to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob  . . .”

While the Lord was talking, Moses began sighing and  picking leaves out of his sheep’s fur, secretly wishing the Lord wouldn’t always feel the need to recap the entire events of mankind before moving on to His next topic.

“. . . I will send My angel, and I will drive out the Hittites, the Canaanites and Amorites . . .”

Moses quietly opened his satchel and started nibbling on his fig sandwich.

“. . . and the Hittite, the Perizzite and the Hivite and Jebusites . . .”

While Moses was adjusting his sandals the Lord said,”Go  up to a land flowing with milk and honey  for I will not go in your midst, lest I consume you on the way, for you are a stiff-necked people.“

Say what?  Did the Lord just say he liked to consume stiff-necked people?  Well, sir, that got Moses’ attention!

” Okaaaaay . . .  ” Moses said, “but just a quick question, Lord.  By consume, You don’t by any chance mean “eat”  stiff-necked people, do you?  Moses hung his head while he asked the queston to make his neck look limper.  “I only ask because eat and consume usually mean the same thing.”

But the Lord didn’t hear Moses’ question, what with all the noisy sacrificing going on in the background.

When Moses relayed to his people, the Peoplites, about the Lords plans to relocate them to the land of Milk and Honey — but that the Lord wouldn’t be coming along personally due His, ahem,  Inappropriate Eating Problem, they mourned and took off all their ornaments. (This was way before they had Christmas trees to hang them on.)

Then the Lord told Moses exactly what to say to the Peoplites about his inappropriate eating problem.

“Say to the children of Israel, “you are a stiff-necked people, I could come up into your midst one moment and consume you. Now therefore take off your ornaments so that I may know what to do.” 

Either the stiff-necked Peoplite’s ornaments were jingling so loud the Lord couldn’t hear himself think, or the Lord wanted them to take off the ornaments as they tended to get stuck in the Lord’s Beard whenever He “consumed” stiff-necked Peoplites.

Anyway, by now the Lord and Moses were pretty close friends.  By today’s standards, they would have not only been friends on Facebook; they would have made sure to click the like button on each other’s posts.

So Moses pitched a “meeting tent” where he and the Lord could meet.   Moses sat inside the tent while the Lord appeared outside the tent as a pillar of smoke, (the Lord’s favorite avatar).

Everything was going really great, relationship-wise, until one day Moses blurted out, “Would you mind if I took a peek at your real face, Lord?

What followed was an awkward silence of epic proportions.   Finally the Lord just flat out told Moses that if he showed Moses his face Moses, Moses would die from looking at it — thither on the spot!

Talk about awkward! After that Moses didn’t know what to say and either did the Lord.

Finally the Lord just completely changed the subject. “Cut two stones and meet me up on Mt. Sinai tomorrow, Moses.”

“Sure!” Moses said, hugely relieved.  May I inquire as to why?”  Moses sat down and prepared himself for another of the  Lord’s  long, drawn-out explanation.

“That’s for me to know and you to find out” was all the Lord would say.

  Stay tune next week when Gregory retells what he  learned about the Ten Commandments in Sunday School.

Until next time . . . I love you

“No I’ve been listening, Lord. You were saying something about the Vermiculites?
“No, Moses, I was talking about the Hittites! Will you stop fooling with your sandal and listen!”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Bible According to Gregory: The Lord’s Common Sense Tips for Successful Old Testament Living

Welcome, Dear Readers, to this Sunday’s edition of The Bible According to Gregory.

Let’s listen in and see what Gregory learned in Sunday school this morning, shall we?

The Lord’s Common Sense Tips for Successful Old Testament Living

Slavery Tips and Tricks

When purchasing a Hebrew slave, keep in mind that — even though they are less expensive–they have to be set free after six years and it’s iffy whether the slave owner gets to keep the slave’s wife and kids — so proceed cautiously.

Remember that if a Hebrew slave decides he doesn’t want to be set free after six years,  he will have to get his ear pierced by his Slave Owner.  So if you’re squeamish about performing piercings, you might want to consider purchasing a non-Hebrew slave.

If you decide to bring in a little extra income by selling your daughter into slavery, be advised that if the man who purchases her is unhappy for any reason, he is allowed to sell her back to you — providing he keeps the receipt and the original outfit she came in.

Once a father buys his daughter back he cannot turn around and re-sell her to a foreigner — even if she’s in ‘like new’ condition.

The Lord’s Advice for Raising Children

A child who hits his mother or father should be put to death as soon as possible.

A child who curses his mother or father, should be put them to death at the parents  earliest convenience.

Keep in mind, Mothers, that firstborn sons are always given to the Lord after 7 days. So don’t get too attached!  (Oh and don’t forget that the Lord always has dibs on the first-born cows and the first-born sheep as well.)

 The Lord’s Miscellaneous Household Hints

If a man kills his own slave, there is no punishment, of course, as the loss of his property is punishment enough.

If your donkey falls under its load , always help it to its feet no matter how busy your are.

Do not cook a young sheep or goat in its mother’s milk.

If a bull gores someone to death, the owner doesn’t need to be punished, simply stone the bull to death and dispose of the carcass without eating it.

Meal Planning Tips:  Lord Pleasing Outdoor Grilled Sacrifices That Almost Make Themselves 

Place an alter at the door of the lord’s tent.  In a large pottery bowl add two-pounds of fine wheat flour and one quart olive oil.  Stir thoroughly and set aside.

Next take one, one-year-old lamb and place it on the altar next to wheat mixture.

Place one quart of wine in remaining alter space.

Burn everything to a crisp making sure all the smoke goes inside the Lord’s tent.  (Always make sure the lord is in there first.)

Repeat twice a day for all time to come.

And there you have it, Dear Readers, this week’s installment of the Bible According to Gregory.  Please check in next week to seep what Gregory learned in Sunday school!
Until next time . . . I love you

The Bible According to Gregory: Paul Sails for Rome

Welcome, Dear Readers, to this Sunday’s edition of The Bible According to Gregory.

Let’s listen in and see what Gregory learned in Sunday school this morning, shall we?

Paul Sails for Rome

Today, our story begins just after the Apostle Paul has been released from prison in the town of Caesarea (home of the Caesarea Salad) after a little misunderstanding between Paul and some Asian Jews or perhaps they were Jewish Asians (Some scholars believe that was the crux of the misunderstanding right there).

Anyway, Julius, a Roman Centurion, and possibly founder of  Orange Julius, was to guard Paul while they sailed to Rome where Paul was to stand trial.  Julius was kind to Paul and let him drink all the Orange Julius he wanted on their voyage.

But as biblical sailing luck would have it, there soon arose a terrible storm.  So in keeping with biblical navigational law, everyone agreed that this would be a perfect time to set sail out onto the open sea, while at the same time double-checking that all the lifeboats were left safely on shore.

Paul tried to talk them all out of it, but they failed to heed his advice — even though Paul’s info came from his special ability to accurately predict weather conditions due to his apostle status with “The Big Cheese and The Little Cheese who were one in the same Cheese.”

The next thing you know, an extraordinarily strong wind kicked up — known as the North-Easter Wind — which was much worse than it sounded.

It just kept blowing and blowing and blowing so that by the next day everybody starting throwing cargo and/or up overboard. Julius even had to dump his oranges.

“No Paul!  Not my oranges!”
“Hey listen, I just threw an entire case of Cesearea Salad Dressing overboard, we all have to make sacrifices, Julius.”

But that didn’t help, so they decided to throw the ship’s cutting-edge, navigational devices overboard, which, in those days, consisted of an anchor, a sun-dial and a magical goat purported to know right from left.

Finally, they  gave up and lowered the sail and let the ship be carried off by the wind, and that’s when Paul decided it would be the perfect time to get up and make a speech starting with “I hate to say I told you so but . . . “

Before anyone could get close enough to wring Paul’s neck, he quickly explained that he had been visited by an angel of The Big Cheese who said they would lose the ship but not their lives.

After that, Paul insisted everyone have a nice meal together, which they did, except for Julius who was still pouting about his oranges.  Then they threw the rest of the wheat overboard just for kicks and giggles.

Shortly thereafter,  they spotted the shoreline of Malta, the ship broke apart, and everybody swam or kick floated to shore, and they all celebrated with the Maltan natives by partaking in a three-day fire, the biblical equivalent of a Luau.

While Paul was collecting firewood, a snake bit his hand and everyone took time out from the festivities to watch Paul die.  But not only did he not die, he felt so good he went ahead and healed everyone on the island of dysentery (er, the island of Malta of dysentery, that is).

Paul did make it a point, however,  not to drink any of the water after that.

And there you have it, Dear Readers, this week’s installment of The Bible According to Gregory.  Be sure and check back next week for more biblical adventures.

Until next time . . . I love you

The Bible According to Gregory: The Day Jesus Was Having ‘One of Those Days’ Part II

Welcome, Dear Readers, to this Sunday’s edition of The Bible According to Gregory.

Let’s listen in and see what Gregory learned in Sunday school this morning, shall we?

The Day Jesus Was Having ‘One of Those Days’ Part II

When last we left Jesus, he was having one of those days.  First, he got his nap cut short, then he was asked to leave town and after that caught holy hell (which is the only kind of hell Jesus ever caught, btw) for mentioning after healing a paralyzed man (nine out of ten people were paralyzed in biblical days) that he was the Son of God.  Oy!

After that, Jesus was walking along the road and saw a tax collector named Matthew sitting in his office (Tax collectors had their desks scooted up to the edge of the road in those days). And Jesus said to the Matthew, “follow Me.”

So Matthew followed Jesus to Matthew’s house because Jesus knew where Matthew lived even better than Matthew did! And they were having lunch when many tax collectors and other outcasts joined Jesus and his disciples at the table.  (Tables had more chairs in those days.)

The Pharisees, a group who Jesus considered somewhat sketchy, happened to be walking by the table. (The tables were scooted up right next to the desks that were scooted up to the edge of the road.)

Anyway, the Pharisees (who apparently only traveled in clusters) saw Jesus eating with the tax collectors and outcasts, and the Pharisees asked in unison, “Why does your teacher eat with such people? . . . people? . . . people? . . . .(Some Pharisees weren’t very good at talking in unison.)

And that’s when Jesus answered, “People who are well do not need a doctor, but only those who are sick. Go and find out what is meant by the scripture that says: It is kindness that I want, not animal sacrifices.  I have not come to call respectable people, but outcasts.”

While the Pharisees ran to find someone who could read the  bible to them, the followers of John the Baptist happened by and asked, “Why is it that we and the Pharisees fast often, but your disciples don’t fast at all?”

Jesus explained by saying, “Do you expect the guests at a wedding party to be sad as long as the bride groom is with them.?

 The Followers of JTB started to answer, but Jesus beat them to it, “of course not! But the day will come when the bridegroom will be taken away from them, and then they will fast.”

Fair enough. The followers of JTB started to leave but came back when they realized Jesus was still talking, “No one patches up an old coat with a piece of new cloth, for the new patch will shrink and make an even bigger hole in the coat.”

Oh yes!  The Followers of JTB hated those new-patch-shrinkage coat holes as much as Jesus did and were about to say so but Jesus was still giving examples, “Nor does anyone pour new wine into used wine skins, for the skins will burst.”

Boy oh boy! The Followers of JTB started to say, “you said it brother!” but Jesus was still explaining, “The wine will pour out and the skins will be ruined.” 

About the time the Followers of JTB had completely forgotten what the question — Jesus was interrupted by a Jewish official who asked Jesus to lay his hands on his daughter who had just died.

While Jesus was on his way to heal her, a woman who had been suffering from “severe bleeding for twelve years”  (people bled to death a lot slower in those days) came up behind Jesus and touched the edge of his cloak and said, “If I only touch his cloak, I will get well.”

And that, Dear Readers, brings us up to about 2:30 biblical daylight savings time of the day Jesus was having “one of those days” so be sure to check back to The Bible According to Gregory next week to find out how the rest of Jesus’s day went.

Until next time . . . I love you

Photo from Wiki: Woe unto You, Scribes and Pharisees

The Bible According to Gregory: The Day Jesus Was Having ‘One of Those Days’

Welcome, Dear Readers, to this Sunday’s edition of The Bible According to Gregory.

Let’s listen in and see what Gregory learned in Sunday school this morning, shall we?

The Day Jesus Was Having ‘One of Those Days’

So far it hadn’t been a very good day for Jesus.  In the wee hours of the  morning He had been right in the middle of a nap on the deck of the boat He and His twelve disciples were crossing a lake in — when a fierce storm hit the lake.  (In those days lakes weren’t as trustworthy weather-wise as they are today.)

The disciples totally freaked and woke Jesus up from his nap.  Jesus had to get up to order the wind and waves to stop and never got to finish His nap before they got to the other side of the lake which was called Gadara.

Well wouldn’t you know, they got out of the boat and were walking down the road and the first two men they came upon had demons in them (darn the luck) and they said, “What do you want with us, you Son of God?  Have you come to punish us before the right time?”

Apparently there was some discrepancy as to the time they were supposed to be punished probably due to the fact that the people in Gadara weren’t on daylight savings time like Jesus and his disciples were.

Then, before Jesus even had a chance to answer, the two men with demons in them said,

“If you are going to drive us out, send us into that herd of pigs.”

“Go,” Jesus told them.

The men left and went off into the herd of pigs. Naturally the herd of pigs reacted like herds of pigs are wont to do when two possessed men suddenly join the herd.  They all took off running over a cliff which must have been how Jesus healed the two men with demons since the Bible calls this story,  Jesus Heals Two Men with Demons.

Anyway, the men who had been taking care of the herd of pigs (and not doing a very good job) ran into town and told everybody the story about what had happened to the herd of pigs and the two men with demons in them.

Everyone in town went out to meet Jesus.  When they saw Him they begged Him to leave their territory without even saying thank you.

So Jesus got back in the boat and went back across the lake to his own town — possibly making a mental note to Himself to take Gadara off his list of places to visit.

The minute Jesus got to the other side of the lake some people brought him a paralyzed man lying on a bed.  When Jesus saw how much faith the man had Jesus said, “Courage, my son, your sins are forgiven.”

Then some teachers of the Law said to themselves, “This man is speaking blasphemy!”  (Which of course, was par for the course with the kind of day Jesus was having.)

Jesus read their minds and said, “Why are you thinking such evil things?  Is it easier to say your sins are forgiven or to say to say ‘get up and walk?”

Apparently this was a rhetorical question because before anybody even had a chance to raise their hand, Jesus went on to say, ” I will prove to you then that the Son of Man  has the authority on earth to forgive sins,” so He said to the paralyzed man, “Get up and pick up your bed and go home.”  The man got up picked up his bed and went home. (In those days beds were a lot lighter than they are now.)

When the people saw it they were afraid and praised God for giving such authority to men.

And that only brings us up to lunch time of the day Jesus was having one of those days.

Please check back next week, Dear Readers, for the conclusion of  “The Day Jesus Was Having One of Those Days” Part II.

“Gosh. Can you believe we went water skiing in this lake just yesterday!”

Until next time . . . I love you

The Bible According to Gregory: Abraham and Issac

Welcome, Dear Readers, to this Sunday’s edition of The Bible According to Gregory.

Let’s listen in and see what Gregory learned in Sunday school this morning, shall we?

The Story of Abraham and Issac

Back in biblical days, before TV and the internet, people spent a lot of time worshiping idols and making sacrifices to their favorite gods.  The most popular sacrifice in the Sacrificing Era was either a sheep, a lamb  an ox, or a child.

This doesn’t seem very nice by today’s standards, but by biblical standards it wasn’t very nice either.

One day, God contacted Abraham, a bible V.I.P., and told Abraham he would like Abraham to travel to the land of Mariah to sacrifice Abraham’s son, Issac, to God by burning Issac on an altar.

God:  Hi Abraham.  Say, I have a small favor to ask.

Abraham:  Shoot!

God:  I’m really in the mood for a sacrifice . . .

Abraham:  Oh sure! I know how much you love those!  How about a little lamb?

God:  Meh.

Abraham:  Okay, well maybe you’re more in the mood for a sheep then?

God:  I don’t know, I’m not crazy about the smell of burning wool.

Abraham:  Oh I know, how about an ox?

God:  Ox oy!  I am so sick of ox sacrifices I can’t even tell you!

Abraham:  Well what are you in the mood for then?

God:  Something along the lines of . . . oh I don’t know . . . uh . . .   How about a son named Issac?

Abraham:  But Issac is my son.

God:  What?  You love your son more than me?  What am I chopped liver?

Abraham:  No God, ha ha!   You didn’t let me finish my sentence! Ha ha! What I was going to say was “But Issac is my son and he’s pretty scrawny, I’m afraid he won’t make a very good sacrifice!

God:  Let me worry about that.  Now go get things set up and call me when you’re about ready to light the match.

Abraham:  Okay,  but one question.

God:  Yes?

Abraham: Are you planning to provide any of the firewood wood?

But God had gone back to whence he came and didn’t hear Abraham’s question.

So Abraham got a couple of guys to help him, and they loaded up  some firewood, that Abraham and Issac set off for Mariah, carrying.

When they reached their destination, Abraham announced that he and Issac would walk up the mountain with the wood so they could perform the sacrifice.

Issac:  Wait a minute Dad.  Aren’t you forgetting something?

Abraham:  No you’ve got the wood, I’ve got the matches . . . we’re all set.

Issac:  But where’s the lamb?

Abraham:  Uh . . . . er . . . uh . . . I think the lord is providing that . . . Oh lookee!   Here we are at the altar!   Get that wood set up son.

Isaac.  Okay.  Hey Dad?

Abraham:  Yeah?

Issac:   Why are you tying my ankles and hands together?

Abraham:  Ha ha!  Oh I’m just horsing around, son!

Issac:  I love you, Dad!

Abraham:  I love you too, son.

Issac:  Then why are you holding that knife to my throat, dad?

Just then an angel of the lord appeared.

Angel:  Excuse me.  Ahem.  Abraham!  I hate to interrupt while you’re having so much fun horsing around with your son there, but I have a message for you from the Lord.  He says ixnay on the acrificesay. And since God sees that you love him better than your own son, you’re free to get back now to whatever you were doing before God got jealous.

Abraham was relieved when he found out that God didn’t mean for him to kill his son, but that God was only testing Abraham to see if Abraham loved God better.  (Even though Abraham secretly thought a multiple choice quiz might have been a little easier.)

And that’s when Abraham spotted a ram in the bushes and knew that the Lord God had provided it for him to sacrifice instead!

“God always provides!” Abraham said to Issac as they walked arm and arm down the mountain.  For nothing strengthens a father-son relationship more than one deciding at the last minute not to kill the other!

And there you have it Dear Readers!  This week’s installment of  The Bible According to Gregory. 

Until next time . . . I love you

The Bible According to Gregory: Easter

Welcome, Dear Readers, to this Sunday’s edition of The Bible According to Gregory.

Let’s listen in and see what Gregory learned in Sunday school this morning, shall we?

 Easter

 

Happy Easter Everyone!!

And there you have it, Dear Readers!  This week’s installment of The Bible According to Gregory!  

Until Next time . . . I love you

The Bible According to Gregory: God Gives Adam a Project

Welcome, Dear Readers, to this Sunday’s edition of The Bible According to Gregory.

Let’s listen in and see what Gregory learned in Sunday school this morning, shall we?

God Gives Adam a Project

One day, after God made Adam, God could see that Adam was getting bored and needed something to do.  While the Garden of Eden was beautiful and all, God sensed that Adam just wasn’t the type to be into gardening.  So God decided to give Adam a project.

Adam:  I’m bored God!  There’s nothing to do in this stupid garden.  I want a cookie. I want a cookie now!

God:  There’s plenty to do, Adam! Just use that wonderful imagination I gave you!  I know, why don’t you go build a fort in the Tree of Knowledge?

Adam:  Which one’s the Tree of Knowledge?

God:  The one that has the plaque on it that says Tree of Knowledge.

Adam:  I can’t read.

God:  Oops! Oh yeah, my bad.

Adam:  Besides I hate that tree.  I saw a snake in it.  I’m never going over there again. Never! Never! Never!   And nobody can make me . . . what are you laughing at?

God:  I wasn’t laughing,  I was just uh . . . my nose was itchy.  Hey! I’ve got a great idea for something you can do!

Adam:  I hope it involves cookies.

God:  I created an ark-load of fowl and wild beasts just before I created you.  And they still need names.  I was thinking maybe you would like to name them.  Doesn’t that sound fun?

Adam:  Not as fun as a cookie.

God:  Now listen here, young man, I’m not going to create anymore cookies ever if you don’t change that sassy attitude of yours.

Adam:  But I want a cookie! I WANT A COOKIE NOW!!

God:  Okay, okay, you’ll get a cookie.  I promise! But let’s just name one animal first, just one, and then I’ll give you a cookie, okay?  Does that sound agreeable?

Adam:  I guess.

God:  Wonderful!  Okay here’s the first animal.  As you can see it has four  legs and a cool hump on it’s back.  And it can travel through the desert for days and never need any water at all.  Isn’t that awesome?  And you can ride on it too!  So what do you think we should name it?

Adam:  How about camel?

God:  Camel, huh?  Well . . . I mean camel is a great name . . . .don’t get me wrong, it’s a fantastic name, but . . .

Adam:  But what?

God:  Well . . . don’t you think you should name it something that makes reference to its hump?  I mean, the hump is really its main feature.

Adam:  Okay then hump.  I’m naming it hump.  I’ll take my cookie now.

God:  Uh . . . well . . . on second thought, I guess camel isn’t such a bad name after all.   Let’s just go with camel, shall we?  And, by the way,  that was very smart and creative of you, Adam,  to think up the name camel.  I’m very proud of you!  Very very very proud of you!

Adam:  Whatever. I’ll take my cookie now.

God:  You know Adam, God has feelings too.  Here I went to all the trouble of creating all these animals for you. The least you could do is pretend to be having fun naming them. You are a very ungrateful creation and don’t appreciate all the hard work I go to for you.  All you think about is yourself!

Adam:  Sorry.

God:  Well okay then.  I’ll go get the next animal.  You’re really going to love it.  It has stripes all over its body!

Adam:  Aren’t you forgetting something?

God:  What?

Adam:  My cookie? Hello?!

God:  Oops! Oh yeah, sorry.  My bad.

“Okay, I get the duck-billed part, Adam,  –  but what was your thinking on the platypus part?”

And there you have it, Dear Readers, this week’s edition of The Bible According to Gregory.

Until next time . . . I love you

The Bible According to Gregory: The Lord’s Big Box of Disasters

Welcome, Dear Readers, to this Sunday’s edition of  The Bible According to Gregory. Let’s listen in and see what Gregory learned in Sunday school this morning shall we?  

The Lord’s Big Box of Disasters

Last week, Aaron and Moses’s  presentation to the Pharaoh — Bringing Down Your Overhead Costs by Replacing Slave Labor with Levers and Pulleys –  had completely fallen flat as far as freeing the slaves was concerned–which meant it was time for Aaron and Moses to make the pharaoh an offer he couldn’t refuse.

It was time to pull out all the stops by utilizing:  The Lord’s Big Box of Disasters.

The next morning at the Cheops Holiday Inn Express breakfast bar:

Aaron:  I’m going back for more figs, you want anything else, Moses?

Moses:  Yeah, toast me some more unleavened bread will ya?

Aaron:  I don’t think we have time.  Their unleavened bread torch takes forever, and we’ll be late for our appointment with the pharaoh.  There’s still plenty of millet though.

Moses: There always is . . . just bring me some more goat.

Later on the banks of the Nile:

Moses:  Well, hello Pharaoh!  Hi there priests! Thank you so much for meeting us down here on the banks of the Nile.  I realize it’s rather unorthodox but we have a little demonstration for you.  Observe!

Moses opened The Lord’s Big Box of Disasters and pulled out a walking stick then waved it over the Nile river turning it into blood.

Pharaoh.  Uh huh.

Moses:  Well you don’t seem very impressed — you’re stifling a yawn.

Pharaoh:  Uh huh.  I didn’t sleep very good last night.

Aaron:   I didn’t either.  No offense, Pharaoh, but the wooden pillows you guys use . . .

Pharaoh:  Uh huh.  What else you got in the box, Moses?

Moses opened the box again and millions of frogs jumped out.

Moses:  And these frogs are going to get into everything.  Your baking pans, your ovens,  you beds, your little skirts . . . .

Pharaoh:  Uh huh.  Big Hairy Deal.  What else you got in the box?

Moses:  Okaaaay . . . um . . . lets see here . . . how do you feel about gnats?  Really mean gnats!

Pharaoh:  Uh huh.   You’re kidding right?

Moses:  Okay, maybe not gnats.   But flies!  What about flies!!

Pharaoh:  Uh huh.  You’re threatening me with flies?  Seriously?

Moses:  Uh . . . oh,  here’s something . . . how about a disease to kill all your animals!! Bwahaha!

Pharoah.  Uh huh.  I’ve never been big on animals. What else?

Moses:  Boils?

Pharoah:  Uh huh.  Everybody’s already got boils.

Moses:  Okay how about hail then?  Hail that will hit the boils and sting!

Pharaoh:  Uh huh. Whoopty friggin’ doo.   What else?

Moses: How do you feel about locusts and being in darkness 24/7?

Pharaoh:  Uh huh.  Actually, I enjoy both.  Is that it?

Moses:  There’s just one last thing.  A little something the Lord likes to call Passover wherein all the first-born sons will be killed and whatnot.  It’s a little more complicated to explain and, frankly, I’d really like to break for lunch.

Pharaoh:  Uh huh.  Okay, well if it’s as lame as the rest of The Lord’s Big Box of Disasters, I’m totally unfazed, and  I’m not letting the slaves go anytime soon and that’s all there is to it.

With that, the pharaoh and his priests walked back to the pyramid.  Aaron and Moses could hear them laughing  and making jokes about how many gnats it would take to free the slaves.

Moses:  Come on Aaron.  Let’s go tell the Lord to put plan Passover into action.

Aaron:  Okay, but can we stay at a different hotel tonight?  Somewhere where they don’t have wooden pillows?

Moses:  What? And miss out on the complimentary breakfast bar?  Are you out of your mind Aaron?

And there you have it Dear Readers, this week’s edition of The Bible According to Gregory.

Until next time . . . I love you

The Bible According to Gregory: The Lord’s Command to Aaron and Moses

 Let’s listen in and see what Gregory learned in Sunday school this morning shall we?  

A recap of what Gregory learned in Sunday School last week:

 Moses (and his brother Aaron), had been sent by the lord to talk the pharaoh into giving the slaves three days off etc., etc.  and somewhere in there, the Lord tried to kill Moses yadda yadda yadda and the lord gave Moses a walking stick that would turn into a snake and so on and so forth. . . . and that brings us up to today’s lesson that has the heading:

The Lord’s Command to Aaron and Moses 

When Moses and Aaron got to Egypt, they made a horrible speech to the Pharaoh that was not only disjointed but also, riddled with “um’s” and “uh’s.”

Having to sit through it made the Pharaoh so mad, he made the slaves work even harder by forcing them to find their own straw for the bricks they had been making round the clock for centuries — even though no one could remember why.

So Moses “turned to the Lord” (apparently the Lord was standing next to him) and basically told the Lord that he did everything the Lord said and yet things had taken a turn for the worse.

That’s when the Lord decided to straighten everything out by explaining that it all had to do with a little misunderstanding concerning His Name ha ha:

“I appeared to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob by the name God Almighty, but they did not know me by my name the Lord.”

Moses and Aaron just stood there with big fat question marks over their heads (that only the Lord could see) so the Lord broke it all down into three talking points:

1. The Lord gave Abraham, Isaac and Jacob the land of Canaanite but the Lord didn’t actually give it to them as much as He was just letting them use it, rent free.
2. The Lord was going to free the slaves.
3. The Lord was going to lead the slaves to the same land He was letting Abraham, Isaac and Jacob rent back in the day; only this time, the Lord was going to let the slaves rent-to-own the land of Canaanite because he liked them way better.

Moses relayed the Lord’s talking points to the slaves but they were all so busy looking for straw to make more bricks, nobody heard a word Moses was saying.

So then the Lord told Moses to go relay the talking points to the Pharaoh.  Of course Moses, who, by his own admission wasn’t a very good speaker probably  due to the fact that he was shy, said in his loudest whisper to the Lord:

“If the slaves won’t even listen to me, why would the Pharaoh listen to me?”

After having to say “Come again?”  three or four  times, the Lord had to agree that Moses had a point.

Finally, after much biblical rigmarole, Moses and Aaron got in to see the Pharaoh when Moses was 80 and Aaron was 83.  Nobody is really sure how many years they had been waiting in line , but one thing is certain, they were really getting sick of the food in the vending machines (hand cranked) .

When they finally got an audience with the Pharaoh, their presentation fell way below expectations.

When the  Pharaoh nodded off  a couple of times, during their big “staff to snake transformation.”  they knew the Pharaoh was totally impressed and therefore would be freeing the slaves really soon . . . NOT!

But the Lord was secretly happy, because this gave Him a reason to use His new Big Box of Disasters that he had given himself for Christmas and Hanukkah, since he celebrated both.

Tune in next week to see what happens when the Lord opens his Big Box of Disasters!

And there you have it, Dear Readers, this week’s edition of The Bible According To Gregory.

Until next week . . . I love you

The Bible According to Gregory: A Funny Thing Happened to Moses on the Way to Egypt

Welcome, Dear Readers, to this Sunday’s edition of the Bible According to Gregory. Let’s listen in and see what Gregory learned in Sunday school this morning shall we?  

A Funny Thing Happened to Moses on the Way to Egypt

When last we left our hero, Moses, God had just given Moses some important instructions via God’s first communication prototype, the Burning Bush (which ultimately turned out to be so cumbersome God just went back to yelling down at people.)

God wanted Moses and his brother, Aaron, to go to Egypt to make a convincing presentation to the Pharaoh to persuade the pharaoh to allow God’s people, the Israelites, (the pharaoh’s entire slave workforce) to take off three days for a Sacrifice Pot Luck Party in the desert.

 God  gave Moses a pocket full of miracles to aid in the presentation which consisted of a stick that sometimes turned into a snake, a cure for chapped hands, and an overhead projector (hand cranked).

So Moses took his wife and his sons and a few of his  favorite sheep and put them on a donkey (don’t worry, the donkey was big for its species) and set out for Egypt.

But something funny happened to Moses on his way to Egypt –even by biblical standards.  It seems while Moses was at a camping place the Lord met Moses and tried to kill him.

Luckily Moses’s wife, Zipporah (who went on to invent the zipper, btw), performed the standard procedure that all wives practiced whenever the Lord was trying to kill one of their husbands.  It’s almost boring it’s so predictable. Let’s all say it together shall we:

“She cut off the foreskin of her son and touched Moses feet with it.” 

Which worked like a charm because right after that, the Lord quit trying to kill Moses.*

Anyway, once Moses and Aaron got to Egypt, they weren’t sure where to go so they walked up to the biggest pyramid and knocked on the first door they came to which  turned out to be the Pharaoh’s burial chamber where he just happened to be taking a nap in his new Sarcophagus.

Moses and Aaron gave their presentation as planned except that the walking stick that was supposed to turn into a snake developed a glitch — in that it turned into a snake while Moses was holding it, and turned into a stick when Moses threw it down  — which was far less impressive and far more creepy for Moses.

But in the end the timing of the presentation came out just as they had planned so that there was still some time for a few questions.

Pharaoh:  Uh huh.  So let me get this straight, fellas.  You’re  telling me that the Lord — whom I have never heard of –  wants me to let my slave-labor force off for a three-day weekend for some weird SacraficePalooza in the desert?

Moses:  Yeah that about sums it up.

Pharaoh:  uh huh . . . and what’s in it for me?

Moses:  Basically nothing.

Pharaoh: Uh huh.

Aaron:  Well, I guess it’s more like what’s not in it for you, Mr. Pharaoh.  If you don’t do as the Lord has requested he says he will kill everybody’s firstborn son.

Pharaoh:  Uh huh.  Well, you know what? I’m going to call up all my  Slave Foremen right now and tell them to come to my burial chamber for a meeting.  And we’ll just see about this!  Herod?  Hand me my Burning Bush will ya?

 Later that morning

Pharaoh:  Uh huh.  Thanks for coming on such short notice everyone.  I just wanted to announce that instead of giving all of you three days off to go to the Lord’s Sacrifice party,  you’ll  be working round the clock making twice as many bricks as you were before.

Slave Foreman:  Before what?

Pharaoh:  Uh huh . . . before Moses and Aaron got me all riled up with their stupid,  ineffective presentation.

Slave Foreman:  Excuse me Pharaoh, but I’ve always wondered why we are making all those bricks?  I mean, the pyramids aren’t made out of bricks, they’re made out of blocks.

Pharaoh:  Uh huh.  That’s a good question.  Unfortunately I don’t feel like answering it right now.

Slave Foreman:  Sure, fine, just asking . . . I’m good with that.  Thanks anyway.

Pharaoh: Uh huh.

As everyone was leaving the meeting, all the Slave Foreman were waiting for Moses and Aaron to come out . . . to be continued next week . . .

* Some Biblical Scholars think the Lord was trying to kill Moses with kindness, while others think the Lord was trying to kill Moses with a weapon, however, the majority of biblical scholars have concluded that its been so long now they don’t remember what the question was.

And there you have it. Dear Readers! What Gregory learned in Sunday School this week.   Please check back next week for the further adventures of Moses and his less biblically important brother, Aaron.

Until next time . . . I love you

Photo Credit: Master of the Dinteville Family images — This work is in the public domain in the United States

The Bible According to Gregory: Moses and The Burning Bush

Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s Edition of the Bible According to Gregory. Let’s listen in and see what Gregory learned in Sunday school this morning shall we?  

Moses and the Burning Bush

In biblical days, everybody’s dream job was getting to tend sheep.  It was an easy job that didn’t require a lot of equipment except a stick called a staff, and a sturdy pair of sandals that didn’t give you blisters.  The only downside being that sheep never took a break from wandering, so the hours weren’t very good.

When Moses got married  his father-in-law, Jethro brought Moses into the family sheep-tending business, Jethro’s Sheep Trackers (They Never Pull the Wool Over Our Eyes) and was given a flock of sheep to tend at their main location in the desert.

One day, Moses decided to lead his flock of sheep over to a mountain called Horeb, which was also known as the mountain of god, just for kicks and giggles.

As Moses approached the mountain he saw a burning bush, but wasn’t sure it was actually burning

While Moses was trying to decide whether the burning bush would roast a marshmallow or not, he heard the voice of God call out to him.

“Moses! Moses!”

Moses quickly put the marshmallow back in his pocket as he knew God had a lot of laws, and he wasn’t sure what His current marshmallow law was.

“Don’t come any closer.” God said, ” Take off your sandals for the ground on which you are now standing is holy ground.”

The Lord told Moses that He would like him to go to Egypt and tell the Pharaoh that he, Moses, had been chosen out of a hat by God to lead the Israelites out of Egypt and into the Promise land.

Now the  Promise Land was not only quite spacious but also flowed with milk and honey which was the equivalent of having everything made out of  Snickers candy bars by today’s Promise Land standards.

When Moses tried to explain to God that the he wasn’t a very important person, and that he wouldn’t even have his sheep tending job if it weren’t for his father-in-law, God’s answered, “I’ll be with you.”

Moses:  Yeah but what if nobody believes me. How am I supposed to tell the people who you are.

God:  Tell them,  I AM WHO AM.

Moses:  You mean tell them “I AM WHO I AM?”

God:  No just “I AM WHO AM”

Moses:  You’re sure you don’t want me to tell them,  I AM WHO I AM?

God:  No that’s too pretentious.  Besides,  I AM WHO AM is my actual  legal name.

Moses:  Oh.

God.  And Moses?

Moses:  Yeah?

God:  That’s my name.  Don’t wear it out.

Moses:  Gottcha. 

But Moses was still a little shaky on the details of God’s Un-enslaving the Hebrews Plan until God told Moses to throw down his staff which he did, and it turned into a writhing, wriggling slimy, evil, ugly, humongous snake which convinced Moses that God’s plan just might work at that — until God mentioned the part where Moses would have to make a speech to the Pharaoh.

Moses:  A speech!  I’m not making a speech.  No way!  I am not doing any public speaking!  Not even You can make me do that!

God:  Look all you have to say is “I AM sent me to you.”

Moses:  But that’s a  grammatically awkward sentence — it won’t make any sense.

God:  Well what if you said,  “The Lord, the God of your fathers, the God of Abraham, the God of Issac, the God of Jacob has sent you.”

Moses:  Nope!  I’m not making a speech.

God:  Alright . . . well . . . I know!  What if I created Toastmasters and you could attend for like a year before giving your speech to the Pharaoh.  I’ll tell you everything to say!

But Moses flat out refused and didn’t acquiesce until God promised Moses He would make his brother, Aaron, do all the public speaking.

Be sure to check back for next’s week’s story, The Ten Plagues — when God is forced to Implement Plan B for Un-enslaving the Hebrews!

Until next time . . . I love you

 

 

Photo credits: Attributed to Dierick Bouts the Elder, Netherlandish from Wiki

The Bible According to Gregory: Jesus and the Pool of Bethesda

 

Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s Edition of the Bible According to Gregory. Let’s listen in and see what Gregory learned in Sunday school this morning shall we?  

 

Jesus and the Pool of Bethesda

It was time for the Annual Jews and Sabbath Potluck dinner and Jesus (who always got invited to everything) decided to attend.  Nobody knows what dish Jesus typically brought to these things, but chances are he just whipped up something Johnny on the spot.

Anyway, in order to get to the potluck, Jesus had to pass by the Jerusalem Sheep Gate behind which the sheep who were going to be sacrificed lived.

In biblical days people were cruel to sheep and kept them for the express purpose of killing and sacrificing them.  Unlike today, where people only keep sheep for the express purpose of killing and eating them.

While Jesus was walking past the Jerusalem Sheep Gate, he happened to look over and right next to the sheep gate was the Bethesda Memorial Healing Pool.  The pool had five porches upon which lay a lot of unhealthy people waiting to take a dip.

Some of the people were blind, some of the people were paralyzed and some of the people had a really bad case of eczema (sometimes called Leprosy).

This might be a good time to explain that the Bethesda Memorial Pool could cure disease if (and that’s a big if) you were lucky enough to be the first person to jump in the water after a heavenly angel would pop down and stir it with  a Heavenly Egg Beater.

After that, the first person to jump in would get healed and everybody else was up the Bethesda Pool without a paddle until the angel with the Heavenly Egg Beater made another visit.

One man had been waiting in line to jump in the water for 38 years.  (It’s not as bad as it sounds because he was waiting in line while lying on his bed.)  Jesus saw him he asked, “Do you want to get well?”

The man answered something to the  effect that yes he did but he was too paralyzed to be the first one in the pool after the Heavenly Egg Beating.

So Jesus just cut to the chase and said to the man, “Get up, pick up your bed and walk.”

“Get up, pick up your bed and walk.”
“Uh . . . are you sure, that’s not going to wreck my back? I’ve been laying down for 38 years.”

Now Jesus was telling the man to pick up his bed and walk, and this was a task that was considered work which was completely against the law on the Sabbath.

And sure enough, first thing Monday morning, the cured man was in deep trouble with the authorities for aimlessly wandering around carrying his bed on the Sabbath. (After 38 years laying by the pool, he couldn’t remember where he lived).

Authorities:  Who told you to carry your bed around on the Sabbath? You’re supposed to be resting.

Cured Man:  Sorry, I don’t remember his name . . . I’m terrible with names. I never forget a face though! 

Later that day while the cured man was praying in the temple (probably for directions back home), Jesus recognized him and said:

“Listen, you are well now, so stop sinning or something worse may happen to you.” (Jesus didn’t seem like He was in a very good mood that day, maybe He didn’t like Mondays either.)

Jesus must have been wearing his monogrammed robe because the cured man ran right to the authorities and told them the guy who cured him was named Jesus.

So the authorities hightailed it over to Jesus and demanded that Jesus explain to them why He had worked a healing on the Sabbath.

Jesus answered by saying, “My father is always working and I too must work.”

This really made the authorities mad.  Aside from thinking that Jesus and His Dad were Sabbath workaholics; they were also completely put off by the fact that Jesus said his Dad was God.

Naturally this made the authorities want to persecute and  kill Jesus even more than they already did.

And the cured man who was wandering around carrying his bed on the Sabbath?   Rumor has it he put his back out from hauling his bed around everywhere and ended up right back at the Bethesda Pool.

“Hey wait a minute . . . did I grab the wrong egg beater again?”

 

And there you have it, Dear Readers, I hope you’ll come back next week for another installment of The Bible According to Gregory.

Until next time . . . I love you

 

Photo from: http://commons.wikimedia.org  Robert Bateman (1836 – 1889) and Spanish: Bartolomé Esteban Murillo

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Bible According to Gregory: The Story of Gideon

Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s Edition of the Bible According to Gregory. 

Let’s listen in and see what Gregory learned in Sunday School this morning shall we?  

The Story of Gideon

A long time ago when the events in the bible were occurring right and left, there was a man named Gideon.

Gideon, along with his fellow Israelites, were living in mountain caves in the land of Midian.  At this particular point in time, God was once again annoyed with the Israelites for being evil and giving in to their idol worshiping addiction, so God had put them on a time out.

Gideon, on the other hand, had always been partial to worshiping Yahweh so God wasn’t mad at Gideon because Yahweh was more or less God’s last name.

Since being on time out, the  Israelites days consisted of nothing but growing crops all day, getting home beat, doing a little cavework and hitting the hay without so much as a dreidel for distraction.

One night while the Israelites were crying themselves to sleep, a horde of people from Midian called Midianians (pronounced douchesbagians) showed up in the middle of the night and ate all the Israelites’ crops.  Which only made the Israelites cry longer and louder.

The next day, while Gideon was threshing what was left of the wheat, an angel of the lord appeared to Gideon and said over the din of the blubbering multitudes, “The Lord is with you, mighty man of valour and you have been chosen to save Israel.”

If Gideon was thinking  oh whoopty friggin’ doo! Thanks a lot,  just what I need to be doing right now –he didn’t say it out loud because, by now, he knew the Lord God Yahweh had a tendency to get cranky especially if He happened to be low on burnt offerings.

So Gideon went up the hill and destroyed the altars that had been erected to worship the false god, Baal, (pronounced Bubba) and built an altar for the Real Lord God Yahweh instead and quickly burned an offering for Him utilizing the first thing to run by.

Later that day, the douchesbagians formed a huge army so, while Gideon was taking a nap, a spirit of the Lord blew a trumpet in Gideon ear, calling a great army together while at the same time shattering both Gideon’s eardrums.*

But then God said that Gideon’s army was way too big but not to worry because God had a plan to weed out the army which was two-fold.

Fold 1:  Send all the cowards home. (This got rid of 22,000 right off the bat.)

Fold 2:  Get rid of all those who drink water on all fours like a dog (This got rid of all but 300 and some of those were iffy — but they had to have somebody in the army.)

God told Gideon to sneak into the douchesbagians camp and listen to what they were talking about.

So that’s what Gideon did and sure enough one of the douche bags was telling about a dream he had in which the following scenario had occurred.

“I dreamed,” said the man, a cake of barley bread tumbled into the hose of Midian and came to a tent and smote it that it fell and overturned it and the tent lay along.”

This made Gideon realize that besides being really hungry for a cake of barley bread, his guys would be smiting the douchesbagians.

So Gideon didn’t bother to get any swords, he just armed his soldiers with empty pitchers, lamps and trumpets. The soldiers lit up the lamps, broke the pitchers, tooted the trumpets and everybody screamed,”The sword of Yahweh and of Gideon,” at the top of their lungs — causing the douchesbagians to kill themselves because they couldn’t take the noise.

Gideon couldn’t decide which he was happier about, winning the battle, or that  his eardrums had been previously shattered.* 

*lying

“Let’s see . . . okay, that guy’s drinking like a man, he can stay.   That next guy’s drinking like a dog . . .he’s out. The next guy’s drinking like a kitty . . hmm . . .oh well, I guess he can stay . . . “

And there you have it, Dear Readers!  This week’s installment of the Bible According to Gregory.  Be sure to check back next Sunday for the further adventures of The Bible According To Gregory.

Until next time . . . I love you

The Bible According to Gregory: The Battle of Jericho

Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s Edition of the Bible According to Gregory. 

Let’s listen in and see what Gregory learned in Sunday School this morning shall we?  

The Battle of Jericho

When Moses was 900 years old, he died.  Nobody knows how or why but scholars believe it had something to do with his age.

As you know, God had given Moses his Top Ten List of Commandments on some stone tablets that Moses give to his assistant, Joshua, who the Lord planned to bump up to Moses’s position once Moses bumped off.

After Joshua’s promotion to Manager of the Israelites or the possibly the Canaanites — (people never really knew the difference even in those days and so how can we be expected to?).

The Lord then gave the his new Manager, Joshua, his first directive:

The Lord said to  Joshua, “Lead my people across the Jordan river. Once you get across the river, each place you set your foot will be yours.”

While this  news made Joshua finally happy about having such big feet, he was a little disappointed that the Lord hadn’t offered to part the Jordan River for him like he  parted the Red Sea for Moses.

While Joshua was looking around for something to make a boat out of (where was Noah when you needed him!), he also sent two spies to spy on the City of Jericho.  Why?  Nobody knows, but more importantly, nobody cares.

When the spies got to Jericho they went directly to Rahab — a lady who was a native Jericho-ian who didn’t smoke or drink.  But when the king found out about the two spies, Rahab told the spies to hide on the roof of her house because apparently in those days nobody ever looked up.

Then the Lord gave Joshua his secret recipe for “taking” the city of Jericho.

 Jericho Wall Crumb Cake

Ingredients

2 armies

7 priests

7 rams horns trumpets

1 Ark of Covenant (See Lord for details)

10,000  vocal chords

Gather one army; pour into Jericho; march vigorously around city.   Add layer of seven priests blowing ram’s horn trumpets.  Carefully fold in one Ark of Covenant.  Top off with second layer of Army.  Stir for six days.  Cool heels. On day seven scream at top of lungs with 10,00 vocal chords while mixing in trumpet-blaring priests until Jericho walls are crumbly; (serves them right).

And then Joshua went on to  destroy the entire city as an offering to the Lord, being careful not to destroy anything made of silver, gold, bronze or iron which went into the Lord’s treasury — along with a nice big piece of Jericho Wall Crumb Cake, of course!

“Are you okay?”
“Yeah, but that Jericho Wall Crumb Cake is really hard to digest.”

And there you have it, Dear Readers!  This week’s installment of the Bible According to Gregory.  Be sure to check back next Sunday for the further adventures of The Bible According To Gregory.

Until next time  . . . I love you