Gregory’s Bible Stories: What God Hath Whittled

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today in Sunday school Gregory couldn’t wait to get home to tell everyone about what he learned about the Garden of Eden.  Let’s listen in, shall we?

Gregory's Bible StoriesWhat God Hath Whittled

When last we left God, He had just finished making Adam out of dirt.  Adam turned out great, much better than the dust bunnies God had made the previous day — which even He had to admit didn’t resemble bunnies that much.

dust bunnie or unicorn duck

“Hm . . . maybe I should call them Unicorn Ducks instead.

Then God put Adam in the Garden of Eden that God had just planted all by Himself.  He tried to elicit Adam’s help, but Adam was horrible at taking initiative. God wanted to fire Adam and replace him with someone more competent but He came to this conclusion only after He had used the last of the dirt for potting soil.

After watching Adam live in the Garden of Eden ad nasuem, it soon became apparent to God that Adam was a bit of a mess cat. It wasn’t long before Adam had overrun the pond with dirty dishes, strewn banana peels everywhere and overflowed the laundry hamper with dirty fig leafs.

Then the Lord said, “It is not good for the man to live alone.  I will make a suitable companion to help him.”  To which Adam replied, “Hallelujah!”

So God made a quick trip to the Soil-Eleven and got some more dirt and formed all the animals and birds.  Then He brought them to Adam to see what Adam would name them.  Biblical Scholars believe the conversation might have gone something like this:

God:  So, Adam, what do you want to name this really cool animal thingie I just made that has a tail like a beaver, a bill like a duck, webbed feet and this really cool spiky-thing in the back that has poison in it?

Adam:  Kitty.

God:  Kitty.  Really?  That’s it. Kitty?

Adam:  Kittypus?

God:  That’s the best you can come up with?

Adam:  Don’t you like Kittypus?

God:  Not really.

Adam:  Is it made out of  dirt?

God:  Actually I made this one out of Playdough.

Adam:  How about Playdough Pus?

God: Okay, but only if you’re sure it won’t get mangled in the translation thousands of years from now.

Adam:  I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life — except that I hate the taste of apples.

When God realized that none of the animals was going to be a suitable companion to help Adam, He decided using dirt as a construction material just wasn’t cutting it.

But hey! Speaking of cutting it . . . –why not cut a bone out of Adam and use it to make his companion? (This was way before baling wire had been invented.)

The Lord posed this question to Himself out loud but quietly so Adam wouldn’t hear Him. But Adam did hear and tried to run away by running  around and around the Tree of Knowledge.

God tried explaining to Adam that it wasn’t going to do any good to run away because the question was rhetorical, but Adam didn’t know what rhetorical meant as, up to that point, anyway, he couldn’t stand the taste apples.

Finally, God stuck His Almighty Foot out and tripped Adam and Adam fell down into a deep sleep.  Then God thought, what bone can I take out of Adam that he won’t miss?

Then God snapped His almighty Fingers. He would take out Adam’s middle ear bone, the stirrup.  But when God went to take it out, He saw that Adam had broken it when he fell — so God had to put a cast on it instead.

Then God remembered how much fun it had been making Adam’s ribs.  All He had to do was put the mud in His hands, close His fist and Voila!  All you can eat ribs!

So the Lord God decided to use Adam’s rib to make a companion for Adam. He figured Adam would never know the difference anyway, because as much as God was loath to admit it, it was beginning to look like the Tree of Knowledge was kind of a lost cause on Adam.

So God pulled out one of Adam’s ribs and began whittling away everything that wasn’t a woman . . .

Well that’s all Gregory had time for today, Dear Readers.  Please check back next week to find out what exactly it is that God hath whittled.

Until next time . . . I love you

Just us Playdough Pusses

God Removing Adam's Rib Coloring Page

God Removing Adam’s Rib Coloring Page

 

Gregory’s Vacation Bible School: Jesus and the Pool at Bethesda

Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s Edition of the Gregory’s Bible Stories! This week Gregory is still away a Vacation Bible School  learning about biblical swimming pools. 

Jesus and the Pool of Bethesda

It was time for the Annual Jews and Sabbath Potluck dinner and Jesus (who always got invited to everything) decided to attend.  Nobody knows what dish Jesus typically brought to these things, but chances are he just whipped up something Johnny on the spot.

Anyway, in order to get to the potluck, Jesus had to pass by the Jerusalem Sheep Gate behind which the sheep who were going to be sacrificed lived.

In biblical days people were cruel to sheep and kept them for the express purpose of killing and sacrificing them.  Unlike today, where people only keep sheep for the express purpose of killing and eating them.

While Jesus was walking past the Jerusalem Sheep Gate, he happened to look over and right next to the sheep gate was the Bethesda Memorial Healing Pool.  The pool had five porches upon which lay a lot of unhealthy people waiting to take a dip.

Some of the people were blind, some of the people were paralyzed and some of the people had a really bad case of eczema (sometimes called Leprosy).

This might be a good time to explain that the Bethesda Memorial Pool could cure disease if (and that’s a big if) you were lucky enough to be the first person to jump in the water after a heavenly angel would pop down and stir it with a Heavenly Egg Beater.

After that, the first person to jump in would get healed and everybody else was up the Bethesda Pool without a paddle until the angel with the Heavenly Egg Beater made another visit.

One man had been waiting in line to jump in the water for 38 years.  (It’s not as bad as it sounds because he was waiting in line while lying on his bed.)  Jesus saw him he asked, “Do you want to get well?”

The man answered something to the  effect that yes he did but he was too paralyzed to be the first one in the pool after the Heavenly Egg Beating.

So Jesus just cut to the chase and said to the man, “Get up, pick up your bed and walk.”

Jesus curing my by Bathesda Pool

“Get up, pick up your bed and walk.”
“Uh . . . are you sure, that’s not going to wreck my back? I’ve been laying down for 38 years.”

Now Jesus was telling the man to pick up his bed and walk, and this was a task that was considered work which was completely against the law on the Sabbath.

And sure enough, first thing Monday morning, the cured man was in deep trouble with the authorities for aimlessly wandering around carrying his bed on the Sabbath. (After 38 years laying by the pool, he couldn’t remember where he lived).

Authorities:  Who told you to carry your bed around on the Sabbath? You’re supposed to be resting.

Cured Man:  Sorry, I don’t remember his name . . . I’m terrible with names. I never forget a face though! 

Later that day while the cured man was praying in the temple (probably for directions back home), Jesus recognized him and said:

“Listen, you are well now, so stop sinning or something worse may happen to you.”

Jesus must have been wearing his monogrammed robe because the cured man ran right to the authorities and told them the guy who cured him was named Jesus.

So the authorities hightailed it over to Jesus and demanded that Jesus explain to them why He had worked a healing on the Sabbath.

Jesus answered by saying, “My father is always working and I too must work.”

This really made the authorities mad.  Aside from thinking that Jesus and His Dad were Sabbath workaholics; they were also completely put off by the fact that Jesus said his Dad was God.

Naturally this made the authorities want to persecute and  kill Jesus even more than they already did.

And the cured man who was wandering around carrying his bed on the Sabbath?   Rumor has it he put his back out from hauling his bed around everywhere and ended up right back at the Bethesda Pool.

Robert Bateman (1836 - 1889) (Artist,

“Hey wait a minute . . . did I grab the wrong egg beater again?”

And there you have it, Dear Readers, I hope you’ll come back next week for another installment of Gregory’s Bible Stories

Until next time . . . I love you

The Bible According to Gregory: Noah Rethinks His Carpentry Skills

“Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of The Bible According to Gregory.

Every week, Gregory goes to Sunday school. Every week his imagination runs wild during the lessons, and every week he comes home with his own version of the story.

Let’s listen in and see what the lesson was about this week, shall we? 

 LInda Vernon humoous bible storiesNoah Rethinks His Carpentry Skills

When last we left Noah, God was explaining to Noah about how wicked everyone on earth was and how evil their thoughts were and that He was sorry He had ever made them.

Noah:  Don’t be discouraged about how mankind turned out, Lord.  You’ve got to remember it was your first try at making large amounts of people.

God:  I’m full of regret, Noah.  Everyone on earth is thinking evil thoughts all the time.

Noah:  Well maybe if you didn’t listen in on their thoughts so much.  Maybe you just need a vacation from everybody’s thoughts.

God:  See that’s what I like about you Noah, you’re upbeat!  You don’t have any faults!  You’re the only good man of your time.

Noah:  Ah shucks, God, you’re embarrassing me.

God:  No, I mean that.  Out of all of mankind, I only like you.  You’re my best friend!  Mankind is like a way, way distant second compared to you, Noah. You’re the only good man I ever created.  In fact, come here, I want to give you a big hug.

Noah:  Awkward.

God:  Come on! I won’t bite!  I may wipe you out in a flood, but I won’t bite!

Noah:  God you made a joke!

God:  I did?  Well you bring out the best in me, Noah.  Say, you wouldn’t happen to have anymore of that pomegranate wine cooler on hand would you?

Noah:  Sure do you want one?

God:  Does a bear sit in the woods?

Noah:  Ah ha ha! You made another joke, Lord!

God:  I don’t get it.  What’s the joke?

Noah:  Well, you know, because a bear doesn’t sit in the woods it— uh . . . hey,   you want that wine cooler in a glass, God, or do you want to drink it right out of the pottery vessel?

God:   Just give me the vessel.  Anyway,  like I was saying, Noah.  I have decided to put an end to all of mankind.  I will destroy them completely because the world is full of their violent deeds.  Mm . . .great wine cooler  Do you have any  Pringles?

Noah:  Yes but they’re a little stale.  The expiration date was 500 years ago. I borrowed them from Grandpa Methusula.

God:  Is he still alive?  Awesome!

Noah:  He’s 969, but could pass for a 700, I kid you not!

God:  Super!  Anyway, getting back to the flood I’m sending to wipe out every living thing on earth except for you and your family; I took the liberty of drawing up some plans so you can build a boat.

Noah:  But Lord!  I can’t even figure out how to put  together  a bookshelf.

God:  Oy pshaw Noah!  All you have to do is make a boat with  some rooms in it, cover it with tar inside and out, make it 450 feet long, 75 feet wide and 45 feet high, make a roof with a space of 18 inches between the roof and the sides.  Then simply construct three decks and slap a door on the side.  It’s just you’re basic biblical boat.  No big whoop.  Don’t over-think it.

noah

“My boat building skills are kind of iffy, Lord.  On a scale of one to ten, how do you feel about rafts?

Noah:  But Lord, when it comes to carpentry I’m all thumbs.

God:  You’re kidding me.  Where were you when I was passing out  fingers?

Noah:  I was . . . no Lord.  It’s just an expression.

God:    Listen, Noah, why don’t you get your three sons to help you out with building the boat.  What are their names again?  Moe, Curly and Shemp?

Noah:  But Lord the oldest one is only a hundred.  He can’t even walk yet.

God:  Oh well I’m a little worried then.  Maybe I’ll have to wipe you–

Noah:  No no no no no no no!  Lord!  I was just kidding!  I can build a boat. Absolutely! Positively!  Not a problem at all.  I’ll  get ‘er done!

God:  I’m so relieved to hear you say that Noah.  Because building that boat?

Noah:  Yeah.

God:  Well that’s the easy part.  Wait til you hear what I’ve got in mind for step two . . .

And there you have it,  Dear Readers.  This week’s edition of what Gregory surmised in Sunday School this morning.  Please check back next week to learn about Step two of God’s plan for Noah.

Noah and God

Until next time  . . . I love you

The Bible According to Gregroy: The Day After Noah’s Birthday Party

 “Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of The Bible According to Gregory.

Every week, Gregory goes to Sunday school. Every week his imagination runs wild during the lessons, and every week he comes home with his own version of the story.

Let’s listen in and see what the lesson was about this week, shall we? 

 LInda Vernon humoous bible storiesThe Day After Noah’s Birthday Party, Part 1

The day after Noah’s 600th birthday party, God came to talk to Noah while Noah was cleaning up.

God:  What are you doing Noah?  Where’d all this wax come from?

Noah:  Well you know, I turned 600 yesterday.  The older you get, the harder it is to blow out all your candles before they melt.

God:   Tell me about it!  That’s the exact reason I quit having birthday parties.

Noah:  Really?  Are you serious or are you kidding? I can never tell.

God:  Noah, you know I have no sense of humor.  Have you ever heard me laughing or heard of me laughing or even smiling?

Noah:  So you really do put candles on your birthday cake and invite all your friends over to celebrate with you?

God:  I would but you’re my only friend, Noah.

Noah:  Oh come on.  You’re pulling my leg. You must have lots of friends.

God:  No. I hate everybody I created on this stupid planet.

Noah:  God have you been sampling  the pomegranate wine again?

God:  In fact, I just came by to tell you that 1) I really like your new haircut and  2)   I’m going to wipe out these people I have created and also the animals and the birds, because I am sorry that I made any of them.  Except for you , Noah.

Noah:  Aha!  Always with the joking!  You had me going there for a minute, God.  Ha! What do you mean you have no sense of humor!  You’re funny!

God:  What do you mean funny?  Funny how?  You mean like I’m a clown?  Like I’m here to amuse you?  What do you mean funny?  Funny how?

Noah:  God, no . . . I mean  . . . I was just . . . .

God:  Never mind,  listen.   I was up all night working on a master plan to wipe out mankind.  First, I’m going to make it so that people only live to 120 from now on.

Noah:  Oh perfect!  That will pretty  much solve the birthday candle problem. Good thinking!  And then you won’t have to wipe everybody out , is that what you mean?

"Everyone living to a 120!" Yay!  I so like that idea, God, I can't even tell you!"

“Everyone living to 120!   Yay!   I so like that idea, God, I can’t even tell you!”

God:   Well no.  Then I thought I’d also send a flood on the earth to destroy every living being.  Except for you, Noah, because you’re my friend. What do you think of my plan?

Noah:  Cupcake?

God:  Sure!  Now see, it’s this kind thoughtfulness that makes me not want to wipe you out along with every living thing on earth . . . mm. . . .lemon filling!  You remembered!  Can I have two?

Noah:  Of course!  Oh and here’s those hankies I promised you with your initials.

God:   “L.G .Y.” ?

Noah:  For  “Lord God Yahweh”  since you never really told me your last name.

God:  Ah!  That is just so super sweet!  Thank you!

Noah:  Not a problem.

God:  So anyway, getting back to my plan to wipe out every living thing on earth, I was thinking that maybe you could–

Noah:  Care for a Pomegranate wine cooler?

God:  Oh don’t mind if I do!

Noah:  Cocktail napkin?

God:  Thank you.

Noah:  How about another cupcake too?

God:  Sure! Now let’s see where was I?

Noah:  Uh, you were talking about how you were going to lower the life expectancy 120.  Here, have some more pomegranate wine cooler.  Say when . . .

God:  You know, Noah, you’re really awfully nice.  Is it getting hot in here to you Noah?

Noah:  Listen, I’m going to run next door  and get more pomegranate wine cooler. Hang tight.  I’ll be right back.

God:  Okay.  Oh, and Noah?

Noah:  Yes?

God:  You gonna eat that last cupcake?

And there you have it, Dear Readers, this week’s edition of what Gregory surmised in Sunday School this morning.  Please check back next week for Part 2 of The Day After Noah’s Birthday Party.

Noah borrowing wine cooler

Until next time . . . I love you

Gregory’s Vacation Bible School: The Twelve Disciples Coloring Book

Welcome Dear Readers!  This week Gregory was attending vacation bible school which is just like Sunday School only with a lot more coloring.  

Let’s see what Gregory got to color this week, shall we?

 Gregory Brings Home The Twelve Disciples Coloring Book!

One day while Jesus was soaking up some rays at the sea of Galilee, he saw some fishing ships.  Well this gave Jesus an idea!

He would make all the fishermen he saw, fishers of men!  So He got busy recruiting twelve disciples.

So color along with us as we open the pages of the Twelve Disciples Coloring Book!

Simon was one of the first fishermen Jesus recruited.  He belonged to a sect called the Zealot Club where they spent a lot of time poo-pooing taxation and throwing darts at pictures of Pontius Pilate.

Simon

"Oops!  Let me try it again.  How about two out of three?"

“Okay, this one’s going right between his beady little eyes.  Oops!  How about two out of three?”

Andrew was known as the “introducer” because he introduced his brother, Simon to Jesus.  He and Simon owned a fishing business, and Andrew did all the marketing.

Andrew

Andrew

“Nice to meet ya! Hey, don’t forget to grab a business card before you leave!”

Bartholomew was in Jesus’s top six.  Jesus recognized Bartholomew as a man of imagination and vision.  Plus he had epically big guns!

Bartholomew

"Would you believe I only work out twice a week!"

And I only work out twice a week!”

Then there was John. Besides being one of Jesus’s favorites disciples, John was the first person to recognize Jesus after Jesus resurrected. He later went on to write a  bestseller called “The Revelations”.

John

"Hey, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't that Jesus?'

“Hey, correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t that Jesus over there?’

Then there was John’s brother, James.  James was one of the three disciples who made up Jesus’s inner circle.  James was the first disciple to succumb to martyrdom which in those days was fatal.

James

"A martyr?  Me?  Well what exactly does that entail?"

“A martyr? Me? Well what exactly does that entail?”

Another Disciple of Jesus’s was also named James.  Everybody called him James the Less because he was younger than the other James.  He kept telling everyone to call him Jimmy but it just never stuck.

James the Less

"Hey James the Lesser!  Bring us some bread.""Not unless you call me Jimmy."

“Hey James the Less! Bring us some bread.”
“Not unless you call me Jimmy!”

Peter (or maybe Simon)

Peter’s name was actually Simon but everybody called him Peter for short except for Jesus who called him “The Rock” or possibly “Rocky” because of his  immovable faith.  And yet, after Jesus got arrested, Peter denied he knew Jesus three times until he heard a rooster crow which reminded him that oh yeah he did know Jesus after all!  Duh!

Peter “The Rock” Simon

Wait a minute . . . now that I think about it, I cock-a-doodle do know Jesus!"

Wait a minute . . . now that I think about it, I cock-a-doodle DO know Jesus!”

Another disciple was Thomas, who was cursed with the nagging doubts that are produced when an individual has low self-esteem combined with being a stickler for details. After Jesus was resurrected, Thomas refused to believe it until Jesus showed him the  nail prints and two pieces ID.

Thomas

" . . . uh . . . .hmmm. . .  uh"

“Well uh . . .hmm!”

Then there was Jude.  Not to be confused with Judas.  Jude was the least famous of the disciples except for maybe James the Less who was Jude’s brother. Jude was the introverted disciple who never raised his hand and who laughed at everybody’s jokes but never made any himself.

Jude

Jude

“And that’s why the chicken crossed the road? Hahaha! Get out! That’s hilarious!

One of the disciples was Mathew, who was the richest of the disciples before he gave up everything to follow Jesus.  He was a tax collector and was good with details.  Mathew always had a pencil in his had and took it upon himself to write down everything Jesus said word for word. Everybody thought he was hard of hearing because he was always asking Jesus, “What was that again?”

Matthew

"Can you say that one more time only slower?"

“Can you say that one more time,  Jesus, only slower?”

And finally there was Judas.  Judas was the disciple who said all the right things but who was slightly sketchy. But nobody suspected just how sketchy until after Jesus got arrested and suddenly Judas had 30 pieces of silver burning a hole in his robe pocket and he was buying everybody drinks and looking at expensive pyramids.  Of course, in the end Judas repented so that he could still get to heaven.

Judas

I'll repent just as soon as I'm done spending

I’ll repent the minute I get back from Las Bethlehemgas

And there you have it, Dear Readers!  The Twelve Disciple Coloring Book!  Gregory says have fun coloring and be sure to stay in the lines!

Until next time . . . I love you

Sunday School Dropout Bible Stories: The Story of Noah

“Think we’ll all fit?”
“I don’t know, I was asking around and the Unicorns don’t seem to think so.”

A very, very, very, very long time ago (biblical scholars disagree on the exact amount of  verys) there was a man named Noah who was very ,very, very old (here three verys is widely accepted).

Back in the day when Noah lived, lifespans were much longer — and nobody fell and couldn’t get up until they were well past 500 years old.

When Noah was 500 years old, he had three sons which meant he was raising teens when he was 513 years old — proving that wisdom doesn’t always come with age. (His sons were named Shem, Ham and Japheth which ALL biblical scholars agree were horrible names.)

During these years, the people of earth were basically running hog wild, some people were giants, some people were supernatural beings and some people were goats. The whole kit and kaboodle was  just one big, fat, ugly mess.  You don’t even want to know the details! Whenever God looked down on the earth, He just felt sick, so He decided to cause a great flood and start again from scratch.

But God really liked Noah because Noah was well-mannered, and agreeable and laughed at all his jokes.

God told Noah what his plans were.

God:  Hello Noah?  It’s me, God, say, I was just thinking I would destroy everybody on earth because they are all so evil, you know what I mean?

Noah:  Oh absolutely! Definitely! I don’t blame you one bit! Ha ha!

God:  Yes, well, I’ve decided to let you live.

Noah:  Who moi?  Aw shucks, thanks God!

God:  Not a problem. Anyway, you need to build an ark 450 feet long and 75 feet wide and 45 feet high leaving 18 inches between the roof and the . . . are you writing this down?

Noah:  No

God:  Ok, I’ll wait while you go find a pencil.

While God was waiting on Noah, he couldn’t help looking around.  Golden idols and empty wine jugs were strewn everywhere, the lute and harp music was blaring so loud God couldn’t hear Himself think, and everyone was shouting, “gimme! gimme! gimme!” at the top of their lungs;  plus there was a lot of pushing and shoving and strangling going on.

God was happy when Noah finally came back with his pencil.

Later:

God:  Okay, Noah, let’s summarize.  I’ve given you specific, detailed instructions for you to build an ark, AND put two of every animal aboard. So read back what you’ve got.

Noah:  Oh sure!  Absolutely!  Let’s see here . . . you want me to build a boat-

God:  NO! Not a boat!  An Ark!  I want you to build an ARK !

Noah:  Ok, Ok, I’m erasing!  Let’s see . . . and you want me to put three of every kind of animal on board and–

God:  Not THREE!  TWO you idiot!

Noah:  OK, OK, I’m erasing already! . . .two. . .  you . . .  idiot– is there one or two t’s in idiot?

Oy! thought God.

Epilogue

After the flood dried up, and Noah got off the ark, the first thing he did was plant a vineyard.  Then he made some wine, got swacked, got naked, staggered to his tent and passed out.

The bible fails to mention what God thought of this.  Most scholars think it was OY!

“Noah! Are you just going to leave us here?”
“Was it something we said?”
“Has anybody seen my golden idol?”
“Moooooooo?”

Until next time . . . I love you

Confessions of a Sunday School Drop Out

The Story of Creation

In the beginning there was this word floating around in a big giant vat full of nothin’. Nobody knows what this word was, but let’s just hope it was a useful word, not too complicated. Something like “stipulate” or maybe something that was pronounced nothing like it was spelled like “rendezvous” to keep it a little more interesting.

In a little while from the opposite end of the vat God appeared. He reached out and grabbed that word, whatever it was, and swung it over his head scattering all the letters hither and yon, sending them flying to the farthest corners of the vat (it was a square vat).

All this new activity really got God fired up. He thought to himself why stop there? Why not create an entire universe replete with planets and suns and super nova’s and black holes because, in his heart of hearts, God was an astronomy major.

So that’s what he did, and it looked great so he thought “why stop there?” So he went ahead and made the earth, the sky, and the oceans. It turned out to be such a masterpiece that God invented the word agog so he would have something to be whenever he looked at it.

Now, since there was still a couple of days before the first day of the week, God decided he had a little extra time to really go all out and add some Zippidy Do Da to the place.

And that’s when he decided to make a man in his image using nothing but ordinary, garden-variety mud. God was quite a wizard with mud and soon he had created a man that looked just like him except that God looked more like Charleton Heston, and the man looked more like Gary Bussey which was a little disappointing for God but he wasn’t too hard on himself because it was his first try at making mud men.

God was shooting for this

Instead he got this

Anyway, God went ahead and gave the man the best name he could possibly think of – Adam — which was kind of an unimaginative name when you consider that none of the other names were taken, but, you know God. He always has to work in mysterious ways. So what are you gonna do?

Now how God got the idea for making Eve is anybody’s guess. Apparently he had gotten tired of working with the medium of mud and started looking around for something else to use. God’s eyes came to a rest on Adam and a peculiar expression crossed His Almighty Face.

Adam was all, “What?”

And God was all, “Nothing.”

And Adam was all, “Why are you looking at me like that?”

And God was all. “No reason. Nothing.  Never mind.”

Of course, somewhere in there God wrestled Adam to the ground and managed to get a hold of one his ribs and, quick like a bunny, fashioned it into a really, really pretty lady named Eve. And since Adam was a sucker for a pretty face, he really didn’t hold it against God too much that he had just ripped out one of his bones without any anesthesia.

As you can see, Eve was well worth the wait!

Rumor has it that God instructed Eve not to eat from the tree of knowledge because she was blonde and he wanted to keep her that way ha ha! But seriously, once God realized that his creations were practically incapable of holding up their end of the conversation, he knew he had to do something.

Just then a poor, little, defenseless, cute, little python was slithering by. God commanded him to stop mid-slither. The snake totally ignored God and continued on his way.

While God was trying to remember when the heck he created the snake, Eve ate an apple and talked Adam into eating some of it too.

After that, Adam and Eve went to Old Navy and each bought a whole new wardrobe and charged it to God.

“God’s awesome!