Scientist’s Finally Discover What Really Killed the Iceman
Scientists now believe that the famous iceman who died while wandering around in the alps 5300 years ago, and whose body was found perfectly preserved in a perfectly-round puddle of perfectly-melted snow, died from the head injury he sustained from the fall he took after being shot by an arrow while doubled-over from a gallbladder attack caused by eating too much fatty-ibex meat just moments before freezing to death on his way to a dentist appointment to get all his rotten teeth pulled out wearing nothing but a grass coat.
The Scientists are currently studying samples of his DNA to determine if the Iceman was married, how many kids he had and what his favorite color was.
Researchers Studying the Behavior of Ancient Peoples Now Believe They Weren’t as Dumb as They Thought They Were
Researchers from Arizona State University were flabbergasted to discover that people living in caves as far back as 164,000 years ago (that’s one-hundred-sixty-four-thousand-friggin’ years ago!) were actually smart enough to gather mussels, periwinkles and limpets and bring them back to their caves to eat.
Up until this discovery, researchers assumed ancient peoples died of starvation immediately after birth.
Next, the researchers socks were blown clear out of the cave when they discovered 57 (fifty! plus! seven!) pieces of reddish pigment laying around – proving to the researchers that ancient peoples must have used the reddish pigment pieces for “coloring their bodies or for other rituals” (other rituals to be determined at a later date when the researchers run out of other stuff to do).
Some of the researchers speculated that ancient peoples used their primitive color crayons to color in their primitive coloring books — though researchers highly doubt the ancient peoples were able to color within the lines as well as the Arizona State University researchers can — with the possible exception of the Dean.
Salt and Early Civilization
Thousands of years ago, long before salted French fries, salted peanuts, salt-water taffy, Lowry’s Seasoning salt, salted sunflower seeds, salted popcorn, salted Carmel Macaroons, salt shakers, salted pretzels, salted potato chips, salted corn tortilla chips, salted Fritos, and salted pumpkin seeds, people had to go to a whole lot of trouble to get things salted.
So when Researchers recently discovered that China was producing salt as far back as 4,000 years ago (that’s 40 multiplied by 100!) they were so taken aback — they found themselves completely at a loss for words which would account for why this is the shortest article on the page.
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Until next time . . . I love you