Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of The Bible According to Gregory.
Gregory goes to Sunday school every week, but Gregory never listens and comes home with his own version of the story.
Let’s listen in and see what Gregory learned in Sunday School this week shall we?
The Day Jesus Forgot the Bread
One day, some of the Pharisees (which means ‘obnoxious ones’ in Hebrew) and the Sadducees (who were just sad in any language) came to Jesus. Their purpose was to trap Jesus.
They didn’t want to trap Jesus in a bear trap or anything like that (although they did take perverse pleasure in setting out a really big mousetrap for the Easter bunny every year), they just wanted proof, by way of a miracle, that Jesus was approved of by God.
They obviously didn’t think a ‘proof miracle’ was too much to ask of Jesus which is just another reason why they were so obnoxious and sad.
The conversation that ensued probably went nothing like this:
Phil: Hi Jesus. I’m Phil Pharisee and this is my neighbor Jerry Sadducee. We were wondering if you would show us a miracle so we can be sure you have the Biblical Housekeeping Seal of Approval. No offense or anything, we were actually sent by our wives.
Jesus: When the sun is setting you say, “We are going to have fine weather because the sky is red.”
Phil: That’s not the miracle is it?
Jesus: And early in the morning you say, “It’s going to rain because the sky is red and dark.”
Phil: Well I don’t really get up all that early, so I’ve never seen that, but I’m not, you know, like–doubting you or anything.
Jesus: You can predict the weather by looking at the sky, but you cannot interpret the signs concerning these times.
Phil: Well, frankly I can’t even predict the weather by looking at the sky to be honest.
Jesus: How evil and Godless are people of this day.
Phil: I know! That’s why I was just thinking about getting an Evil Godless People Suck! sticky papyrus scroll for my ox cart!
Jesus: You ask me for a miracle?
Phil: Well it could be just a tiny one, you know, just to placate the old ball and chain . . .
Phil: Is that your final answer?
Jesus: The only miracle you will be given is the miracle of Jonah.”
Phil: You mean the guy who built the Ark?
Jesus: Johan was in the stomach of a big fish for three days and three nights.
Phil: Along with the ark and all the animals? Wow! That is a miracle! Hey Jesus wait up . . . Where you going? . . . . Can we come too? . . . Is that noise you’re making just your stomach growling or are you groaning? Please tell us it’s the latter.
After that, Jesus and the disciples got in a boat to have lunch across the lake. But they forgot to take any bread.
Simon Peter: Wait a minute . . . where’s the bread?
Andrew: I gave it to John.
John: I don’t have it, I gave it to Matthew.
Philip: Hey fellows! Don’t look now, but aren’t those breadcrumbs in Judas’s beard?
Simon: Yup! Those are breadcrumbs alright!
Thomas: Even I don’t doubt that!
Jesus: Everyone take care! Be on your guard against the yeast of the Pharisees and Sadducees.
Andrew: Why did you just say that Jesus?
Bartholomew: He’s saying that because we forgot the bread, Bozo.
Simon: Who’s Bozo? The new guy?
Jesus: Why are you discussing among yourselves about not having any bread? Don’t you remember when I broke the five loaves for five thousand men? How many baskets did you fill?
James: Uh, can we use our abacuses?
Jesus: And what about the seven loaves for four thousand men? How many baskets did you fill?
James the Lesser: Do you want us to round-up to the nearest basket?
Jesus: How is it that you do not understand that I was not talking to you about bread. Guard yourselves from the yeast of the Pharisee’s and Sadducees!
Then the disciples understood that Jesus was warning them to guard themselves from the teachings of the Pharisees and Sadducees.
Then one of the disciples named Judas raised his hand to ask why Jesus hadn’t just said that in the first place, but Jesus didn’t call on him.
And there you have it, Dear Readers! Tune in next week at this same to learn about what new and exciting thing Gregory will learn about in Sunday School.
Until next time . . . I love you
“Jesus never calls on me.”