Gregory’s Vacation Bible School: The 12 Disciples Coloring Book

Welcome Dear Readers!  This week Gregory was attending vacation bible school which is just like regular Sunday School only hotter and with a lot more coloring. Let’s see what Gregory got to color, shall we?

 Gregory Brings Home The Twelve Disciples Coloring Book!

One day while Jesus was soaking up some rays at the sea of Galilee, he saw some fishing ships.  Well this gave Jesus an idea! He would make all the fishermen he saw, fishers of men!  So He got busy recruiting twelve disciples. 

So color along with us as we open the pages of the Twelve Disciples Coloring Book!

Simon was one of the first fishermen Jesus recruited.  He belonged to a sect called the Zealot Club where they spent a lot of time poo-pooing taxation and throwing darts at pictures of Pontius Pilate.

Simon

"Oops!  Let me try it again.  How about two out of three?"

“Okay, this one’s going right between his beady little eyes.  Oops!  How about two out of three?”

Andrew was known as the “introducer” because he introduced his brother, Simon to Jesus.  He and Simon owned a fishing business, and Andrew did all the marketing.

Andrew

Andrew

“Nice to meet ya! Hey, don’t forget to grab a business card before you leave!”

Bartholomew was in Jesus’s top six.  Jesus recognized Bartholomew as a man of imagination and vision.  Plus he had epically big guns!

Bartholomew

"Would you believe I only work out twice a week!"

And I only work out twice a week!”

Then there was John. Besides being one of Jesus’s favorites disciples, John was the first person to recognize Jesus after Jesus resurrected. He later went on to write a  bestseller called “The Revelations”.

John

"Hey, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't that Jesus?'

“Hey, correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t that Jesus over there?’

Then there was John’s brother, James.  James was one of the three disciples who made up Jesus’s inner circle.  James was the first disciple to succumb to martyrdom which in those days was fatal.

James

"A martyr?  Me?  Well what exactly does that entail?"

“A martyr? Me? Well what exactly does that entail?”

Another Disciple of Jesus’s was also named James.  Everybody called him James the Less because he was younger than the other James.  He kept telling everyone to call him Jimmy but it just never stuck.

James the Less

"Hey James the Lesser!  Bring us some bread.""Not unless you call me Jimmy."

“Hey James the Less! Bring us some bread.”
“Not unless you call me Jimmy!”

Peter (or maybe Simon)

Peter’s name was actually Simon but everybody called him Peter for short except for Jesus who called him “The Rock” or possibly “Rocky” because of his  immovable faith.  And yet, after Jesus got arrested, Peter denied he knew Jesus three times until he heard a rooster crow which reminded him that oh yeah he did know Jesus after all!  Duh!

Peter “The Rock” Simon

Wait a minute . . . now that I think about it, I cock-a-doodle do know Jesus!"

Wait a minute . . . now that I think about it, I cock-a-doodle DO know Jesus!”

Another disciple was Thomas, who was cursed with the nagging doubts that are produced when an individual has low self-esteem combined with being a stickler for details. After Jesus was resurrected, Thomas refused to believe it until Jesus showed him the  nail prints and two pieces ID.

Thomas

" . . . uh . . . .hmmm. . .  uh"

“Well uh . . .hmm!”

Then there was Jude.  Not to be confused with Judas.  Jude was the least famous of the disciples except for maybe James the Less who was Jude’s brother. Jude was the introverted disciple who never raised his hand and who laughed at everybody’s jokes but never made any himself.

Jude

Jude

“And that’s why the chicken crossed the road? Hahaha! Get out! That’s hilarious!”

One of the disciples was Mathew, who was the richest of the disciples before he gave up everything to follow Jesus.  He was a tax collector and was good with details.  Mathew always had a pencil in his had and took it upon himself to write down everything Jesus said word for word. Everybody thought he was hard of hearing because he was always asking Jesus, “What was that again?”

Matthew

"Can you say that one more time only slower?"

“Can you say that one more time,  Jesus, only slower?”

And finally there was Judas.  Judas was the disciple who said all the right things but who was slightly sketchy. But nobody suspected just how sketchy until after Jesus got arrested and suddenly Judas had 30 pieces of silver burning a hole in his robe pocket and he was buying everybody drinks and looking at expensive pyramids.  Of course, in the end Judas repented so that he could still get to heaven.

Judas

I'll repent just as soon as I'm done spending

I’ll repent the minute I get back from Las Bethlehemgas

And there you have it, Dear Readers!  The Twelve Disciple Coloring Book!  Gregory says have fun coloring and be sure to stay in the lines!

Until next time . . . I love you

 

Gregory’s Bible Stories: Sodom and the Elephant in the Room

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories!

Today in Sunday school Gregory learned about how God’s  two angels visited Abraham’s nephew, Lot, in beautiful downtown Sodom. It’s based as loosely on Genesis: 19: 1-10 — if you’d like to follow along.

Gregory's Bible Stories Sodom and the Elephant in the Room

One day, the Lord decided to do some evil-people spring cleaning so he sent two of his right-hand angels to Sodom to destroy every man, woman and child who lived there.

When the angels got to the gates of Sodom,  Abraham’s favorite nephew, Lot, was waiting for them. As they approached, Lot jumped up and ran over to greet them by bowing down before them.

Lot:  Welcome Angels!!  Hope you didn’t have any trouble finding the place.  My wife’s got a big bowl of water ready so we can wash your feet. We know how much you angels love a good foot washing. And then my wife will prepare you a fabulous dinner.

Angel #1:  What’s she making?

Lot:  Tacos.

Angel #2:  Out of what kind of meat?

Lot:  Good question.  You know I never thought to ask.

Angel #1:  Oh. well in that case, thanks for the offer but we’ll just spend the night out in the open, here in the Sodom city square. I’m sure we’ll be fine.

Lot:  Listen Angels, I wouldn’t advise that.

Angel #2:  Why?

Lot:  I’ll spare you the gory details, but everyone who lives in Sodom is horribly depraved.

Angel#1:  Really, you mean they don’t always return their library books on time?

Lot:  It’s worse than that I’m afraid.

Angel #2:  You mean they sneak and eat the last piece of Angel food cake without asking first if the Lord wants it?

Lot:  Worse than that even.

Angel #1:  Gasp!

Angel #2:  Gasp! Choke! Gasp!

The angels fumbled around in their between-wing backpacks until they found their asthma inhalers.  Then they all sat down and rested awhile and got to know each other better.  They were in the middle of exchanging their funniest foot-washing stories when it started to get dark.

Lot:  Aha ha ha!   . . . and you thought the bowl of dirty foot water was the soup? . . . ahaha . . . oh you guys are killing me.  Ha ha ha!  Ahhhhh!  But hey it’s getting dark, angels, we better hasten to my house and bolt the door shut, move the dresser in front of it, roll a huge boulder in front of that and then get the elephant to shore it all up with his trunk.

Angel #1:  Sounds like somebody got a new home security system!

Lot:  Yeah and if anybody breaks in and rapes us, we get one month free!

Angel #1:  Wow!  That a great deal.

So Lot and the two angels high tailed it over to his house.  Lot’s wife and daughters had just finished preparing the tacos and were sitting in the corner busily perfecting their foot washing techniques on the elephant’s feet and marveling, once again,  at how handy it was to have an elephant around the house.

Sometime after dinner:

Angel #1:  Those were great tacos, Mrs. Lot.

Mrs. Lot:  Thank you, but I thought I used a little too much–

Angel #1:   Salt?

Mrs. Lot:   You thought so too.

Angel #2:  What kind of meat was that, anyway?

Mrs. Lot:  It was—

Before Mrs. Lot could answer, an angry mob began pounding on Lots door.  

Lot:  Who is it?

Angry Mob:  It’s us.  Sodom’s angry mob of men, young and old.

Lot:  What do you want?

Angry Mob:  We want you to send out the two angels so we can–

Lot:  Have them go with you to return your library books?

Angry Mob.  Yeah that’s it.

Lot:  Well I have two daughters who could help you with that.  They’re virgins and spend most of their time at the library, so they know the fastest way there.

Lot’s daughter:  Dad!  Stop it!  You’re embarrassing us!  We don’t want to help them return their library books!

Lot:  One more word out of you, young lady, and I wont’ let you clean up after the elephant anymore.

Lot’s Daughter:  Sorry dad.

Angry Mob:  We’re going to keep pounding on this door until you open it.

Lot:  What shall we do?

Angel #1 to Angel #2:  We could strike them all blind.

Angel #2 to Angel #1:  That’s a thought.

Lot:  Or you could strike all of us deaf, and then we couldn’t hear the pounding.

Mrs. Lot:  But then we couldn’t hear the elephant, if he needed us.

Lot:  Good point.

Angel #1:  We could strike them so they can’t taste or smell anything.

Lot’s Wife:  How about striking us so we can’t smell anything.

Angel #1:  Why?

Lot’s Wife:  If you have to ask, you’ve never lived with an elephant.

Angel #1:  Let’s just go with my original idea to strike all of them blind.

Lot:  Okay fine.  But they’re pounding on the door already.  Won’t they still know where the door is?

Angel #2:  Lot.

Lot:  Yes?

Angel #2:  I think I hear your elephant calling.

And there you have it, Dear Readers, what Gregory learned in Sunday School today. Be sure to check back next week when the angels destroy Sodom and Lot’s wife becomes a pillar in the community.

Until next time . . . I love you

One evening at Lot's House

One evening at Lot’s House

 

 

Gregory’s Bible Stories: Abraham Pleads for Sodom

Welcome, Dear Readers, to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories.

Today in Sunday School, Gregory learned about God’s plan to wipe out Sodom. This week’s lesson is based loosely on Genesis 18: 16-33 if you’d like to follow along.

Gregory's Bible StoriesAbraham Pleads for Sodom

One day three men came to visit Abraham.  Or at least they looked like three men to Abraham who was 99-years-old and hadn’t been able to find his cotton-pickin’ glasses since the dang deluge.

One of the men turned out to be The Lord, Himself,  who liked to travel  disguised as a man because He didn’t like getting stopped every ten minutes to pose to have his statue sculpted with hordes of Japanese tourists.

Anyway, Abraham and the three men went to a place where they could look down on Sodom. Some biblical scholars believe the place where Abraham and the three men went to look down on Sodom was on top of a hill where Abraham kept his collection of step ladders. (He was storing them for his friend Jacob.)

“But Lord, don’t you want to climb up on a ladder in order to look down on Sodom?”                                        “How can you even ask that, Abraham, when you know how I feel about heights?”

While Abraham and the Lord were looking down on Sodom, the Lord remarked to himself about what he planned to do regarding Sodom.  He said it so so quietly to Himself that only the bible could hear: “I will not hide from Abraham what I am going to do.  His descendant’s will become a great and mighty nation and through him I will bless all nations.”

Abraham:  Did you just say something, Lord?

The Lord:  I was just thinking about the sorry state of affairs in the city of Sodom, and that I may have to take some unpleasant action to remedy the situation.

Abraham:  I know! They really ruined that place when they cut down all the trees and put in all those one-way streets.

The Lord:  Yes something definitely has to be done, alright.

Abraham:  Are you’re going to make them plant trees and get rid of the one-way streets then?

The Lord:  No, actually  I was thinking more along the lines of slaughtering every single man, woman and child.

Abraham:  Whoa!  I hope you’re joking!

The Lord:  Oh Abraham, haven’t you spent enough time with me by now to know I have absolutely no sense of humor — and while we’re on the subject,  I’d like to know what’s so damn funny about the platypus!

Abraham:  But Lord, what if there are 50 innocent people living in Sodom? Wouldn’t you spare Sodom in order to save fifty innocent people?

The Lord: Meh.

Abraham:  But you are the Judge of all the Earth! Shouldn’t you act justly? I may be just a man, but that’s mega messed up if you ask me.

The Lord:  Oh Abraham, you’re so high strung.  Okay, fine.  If I find 50 innocent people living there I won’t destroy it.

Abraham:  But what if you only find 45?  Will you still destroy the city?

The Lord:  45?  Oh I don’t know. I guess I won’t if you’re going to get all fussy about it.

Abraham:  What about 40?

The Lord:  Oh for crying out loud, Abraham.  You’re so anal!  Okay fine.  I won’t massacre the entire population if there are 40 innocent people.

Abraham:  What about 30 or 20 or 10?

The Lord:  You’re annoying, you know that?  Okay, listen, if I find there are 10 innocent people in Sodom, I’ll icksnay on the aughterslay?   Happy?   Now go prepare me a sacrifice. I’m starving.

Abraham:  So you actually eat the sacrifices then?

The Lord:  Well no . . . I  . . . I just like to smell them cooking.  Sometimes I eat them.  It depends on how fat I’m feeling.  Prepare me a goat, Abraham.

Abraham:  Sorry, I sacrificed the last goat this morning.

The Lord:  What about lamb?

Abraham:  Fresh out.

The Lord:  Okay just give me a first-born calf then.

Abraham:  86 on the first-born calves.

The Lord:  Well what do you have?

Abraham:  How does roasted platypus sound?

The Lord:  Okay, but if there’s a bill, you’re not getting a tip.

Abraham:  Lord!  You sort of made a joke!

And a good laugh was had by all — except for The Lord who never got his own jokes.

And there you have it, Dear Readers, what Gregory learned in Sunday School today.  Please check back next week when the three men go to Sodom and find out there’s worse things a city can have than too many one-streets.

"Don't feel bad about the Platypus Abraham.  Next time just make it medium rare, that's all."

“Don’t feel bad about the Platypus, Abraham. Next time just make it medium rare and don’t give me the bill, that’s all I’m saying.”

Until next time . . . I love you

Holy Rollers! Sarah’s Bad Hair Day!

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of the Gregory’s Bible Stories.

Today in Sunday School, Gregory learned about how Abraham got a surprise visit from three men with some unbelievable news concerning his wife, Sarah. This week’s story is loosely based on Genesis 18: 1-15 if you would like to loosely follow along.

Gregory's Bible StoriesHoly Rollers!  Sarah’s Bad Hair Day!

One hot biblical afternoon in the Sacred Trees of Mamre, Abraham was sitting in the entrance of his tent trying to get cool. The air-conditioning (hand-cranked) was on the blitz due to the fact that all his hand-cranking slaves were out sick with carpal tunnel syndrome.

Abraham was just sitting there relaxing, unraveling some stray threads on his robe when he looked up and saw three men standing nearby.  When Abraham saw them. he ran out to greet them and bowed to the ground.

Abraham could tell just by looking at them that they were pretty special.  (Some biblical scholars believe Abraham could tell the three men were special because they were all wearing robes that had God Squad printed in big Hebrew letters on the backs while other biblical scholars believe some biblical scholars are full of it.)

The conversation that followed might have gone something like this:

Abraham:  Well hello there fellows!  It is me, Abraham, you’re humble servant.  Take a load off under that tree over there, while  I’ll run to fetch some water to wash your feet.  Not that they need it, or anything.

Three men:  Sounds good.

Abraham:  Oh and I’ll also bring you some food so that you may refresh yourselves.

Three men:  We sure could use some lawn chairs while you’re at it.

Abraham: Tell me about it!  Unfortunately my lawn-chair-weaver slaves are out sick with osteoarthritis.

Three men:  Very well,  just get us some food and wash our feet then.

Abraham:  I’m on it!

Abraham ran back to the tent to tell his wife, Sarah, about the three visitors.  The conversation might have gone something like this:

Abraham:  Sarah, quick!  Get out the best flour and bake some bread, get all these tent pillows picked up, this place is a sty! And, you, slaves with the carpal tunnel syndrome! Look alive!

Sarah:  What’s going on?

Abraham: We’ve got important visitors.  Oh, for heavens sakes, Sarah, why are you still wearing  curlers in your hair when it’s eleven o’clock in the morning?

Sarah:  Can I help it if my curler-unfurling-slaves are all out sick with–

Abraham:  Don’t tell me.  Carpal tunnel syndrome?

Sarah:  No I think it’s tendonitis.

Abraham hurried out into his herd of cattle and picked out a calf that was tender and fat and handed it over to his barbecuing slave.

Abraham:  Here you go barbecuing slave.  Take this calf and cook it for the visitors. Make it medium rare and don’t forget to baste it.

Cooking Slave:  I can make it medium rare, but I won’t be able to baste it as I’m having a little trouble with my–

Abraham:  Don’t tell me. Tendonitis?

Cooking Slave:  No I think it’s Repetitive Strain Injury.

When everything was ready Abraham scurried out to the visitors.  He took them some meat, some cream and some milk and set the food before the men. He served them himself and they ate, and then they asked Abraham:

Three men:  Where’s your wife, Sarah?

Abraham:  She’s in the tent, she’s having a having a bad hair day.

One man who later turned out to be the Lord said:   Nine months from now I will come back and your wife Sarah will have a son.

When Sarah overheard this revelation from inside the tent, she laughed to herself because not only  was she too old to have a baby,  Abraham was 99, and Viagra hadn’t even been invented yet.  

The Lord:   Why does Sarah think she can’t have a baby?  I just heard her laughing to herself inside the tent. Is there anything too hard for the Lord?  As I said, nine months from now I will return  and Sarah will have a son.

Sarah:  I didn’t laugh, Lord.

The Lord:  Oh yes you did, Sarah!  I heard you!

Sarah:  What?  No, that’s the sound I always make when I have to yank out my own curlers.  It’s more of yelp than a laugh.

The Lord:  I know laughing when I hear it, and you were laughing.

Sarah:  No I wasn’t!

The Lord:  Yes you were!

Abraham:  Hey you two! What difference does it make?  It’s not like thousands of years from now people will be reading in the bible about whether or not the Lord overheard Sarah laughing . . . .

The Lord:  Well I suppose you’re right.

Abraham:  That’s the spirit! Now, who wants another foot washing — raise your hand!

The Lord:  I’ll take another one.

Abraham:  Great!  Listen would you mind if Sarah washed your feet instead of me.  All this foot washing is giving me–

The Lord:  Repetitive Strain Injury?.

Abraham:  No I think it’s Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.

And there you have it, Dear Readers, what Gregory learned in Sunday School today.  Please check back next week when Abraham tries to think of something positive to say to say to the Lord about Sodom.

Until next time  . . . I love you

The Lord accuses Sarah of Laughing at him

The Lord, Sarah and Abraham

 

 

Gregory’s Bible Stories: God Changes Abram’s Name

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories.

Today in Sunday school, Gregory learned about God’s covenant with Abram and how God gave Abram lots and lots of descendants in exchange for a little thing called circumcision.  This week’s story is loosely based on Genesis 17: 1-27.  So please open your bibles to whatever page that is.

Gregory's Bible StoriesGod Puts the HA! in Abram

When Abram was 99 years young, the Lord appeared to him and said, “I am the almighty god, obey me and always do what is right.”

Even though Abram was in the middle of brushing his tooth, he bowed down with his face touching the ground. (In biblical times, 99-year-old’s backs were way more flexible than they are today.)

The Lord had some terrific news for Abram.  The Lord had decided to make a covenant with Abram promising that Abram would be the ancestor of many nations.

In biblical days this was the very best possible news imaginable because Numero Uno on everybody’s biblical bucket list was:  being the ancestor of many nations– except for Noah’s bucket list which was: invent rain slickers and Eve’s bucket list which was:  find out what the apple-pie fuss is all about.

Anyway, the good news didn’t end there!  The Lord was also going to give all Abram’s descendants the whole land of Canaan forever, and the best part was that He, the Lord, would be their God!   The conversation might have gone something like this:

The Lord:  Abram!  I’ve got such great news for you.  You might want to sit down for it.

Abram:  Uh . . .well, I’m already bowing with my face touching the ground, will that work?

The Lord:  You, my friend, are going to be an ancestor of many descendants!  Aren’t you excited?

Abram:  Sweet! Who’s going to be their god?

The Lord:  Oh that’s the best part! Moi!

Abram:  Woohoo!  Can I get up from my bowing position now and maybe go sit on my donkey for awhile — my back’s starting to hurt.

The Lord:  I’d rather you stayed bowing.

Abram:  Not a problem.

After that the Lord had some lawyers (on loan from Satan’s office) draw up a contract (which in those days was called a covenant) for Abram to agree to. The conversation might have gone something like this:

The Lord:  Okay, I’ve got the covenant ready that promises you lots and lots of descendants.

Abram:  Great!  Where do I sign?

The Lord:  Well I wasn’t going to have you sign as such.  As you don’t know, I haven’t gotten around to creating the ballpoint pen yet.

Abram:  Fine just hand me one of those chisels over there.

The Lord:  Well . . . actually, I thought it would be nice instead of signing the covenant with a signature, that you and all your descendants could sign with a circumcision.

Abram:  A circum what’n?

The Lord:    A circumcision– it’s just a little procedure-y thing. I’ll explain later.  Anyway,  I thought every baby boy when he is eight days old from now until the end of time could have a circumcision. That way, there would be a physical sign that my covenant with you is everlasting. Thoughts?

Abram: I’m not sure I like the sounds of that . . . .

The Lord:  Tell you what.   I’ll throw in the letters HA! into the middle of your name. Then instead of people calling you Abram, they will call you Abraham. What do you say?

Abram:  Does that include the exclamation point?

The Lord: Ha ha!  Tell you what I’m gonna do . . .  I’ll also change your wife’s name from Sarai to Sarah. I’ll bless her and give you a son by her, and I’ll name him Issac. Now that’s an offer you’re just not going to see anywhere else!

Abram:  Ha ha! Sorry Lord.  I can’t help laughing.

The Lord:  Why?

Abram:  Sarah is 90 years old!

The Lord:  Get out!  She doesn’t look a day over 80!  So what do you say?

Abram:  I don’t know.  A circumcision is a pretty steep price to pay even for a son.

The Lord: I see what you’re saying, but what if I told you I planned to spell Issac with not one, but two a’s . . .

Abram:   Two a’s you say?  You drive a hard bargain Lord!  It’s a deal!

The Lord:  Great! Now get off your knees, jump on your donkey and get yourself over there in the circumcision line.

Abram:  Do I have to?

The Lord:  Abraham! Don’t make me go Satan’s Lawyers on your ass.

Abram:  Okay okay! I’m going I’m going!

And that concludes what Gregory learned in Sunday school this week.  Please check back at this same time next week, when the Lord stops by Abraham’s tent unexpectedly — just in time for dinner!

Until next time . . . I love you

Tary Not Dear Gwendolyn

Peculiar PoetryTary not dear Gwendolyn

O’er ice cream, cake or pie

Your stomach never proves to be

Much smaller than your eye

 

Tary not dear Gwendolyn

When heaping full your platter

A garden salad? Or french fries?

(You know you’ll choose the latter!)

 

Tary not dear Gwendolyn

With pralines in the pantry

Sweets like these although they please

 Make waists turn vigilante

 

Tary not dear Gwendolyn

On scents of roast beef gravy

Such nourishment will only serve

To make your waddle wavy

 

Until next time . . . I love you

 

Gregory’s Bible Stories: But Must We Call Him Ishmael?

Welcome Dear Reader to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories.

Today Gregory learned about how Abram’s wife Sarah was having a little trouble with her slave, Hagar, when she decided that Hagar should go to bed with her 86-year-old husband and bear his child.  Gregory couldn’t help imagining what that conversation must have been like.

Gregory's Bible StoriesBut Must We Call Him Ishmael?

One biblical day, when God’s pal, Abram, was 86 years old, Abram’s wife, Sarah, noticed they didn’t have any children.  And what with Abram being 86 and all, Sarah got the terrific idea that instead of her having kids with Abram, Abram should have kids with her slave, Hagar, instead.  The conversation might have gone something like this:

Sarah:  Say Abram I’ve been thinking about your descendants.

Abram:  Uh huh.

Sarah:  I don’t know if you’ve noticed or not but we don’t had any kids.

Abram: Uh huh.

Sarah:  And, frankly, while it would have been nice to have some little Abrams and Sarahs running around, I’m over it.

Abram:  Uh huh.

Sarah:  And since I know the Lord was planning for you to have more descendants than you could count, I thought it might be fun for my slave girl, Hagar, to start the ol’ descendant ball rolling– if you get my drift.

 Abram:  Uh huh.  Is she pretty?

Sarah:  Is Hagar pretty?  Uh . . well, let me put it this way, she’s got a great personality and nobody sews a better pair of men’s slacks than Hagar.

Abram:  Uh huh.

Sarah:  You want I should send her over to your tent tonight?

Abram:  Uh huh.

Abram Sarah and Hagar

One day in Abram’s tent

Eight and a half months later:

Sarah:  Abram, I’ve had it with Hagar, ever since she become pregnant with your child she despises me. And it’s all your fault!

Abram:  Uh huh.

Sarah:  Would you mind if I treated Hagar cruelly?

Abram:  Uh huh.

Sarah:  Should I take that “uh huh” as a “go for it”?

Abram:  Uh huh.

An hour later:

Sarah:  Well I hope you’re happy Abram.  You said I could treat Hagar cruelly, guess what?  She ran away.  Happy?

Abram:  Uh huh.

45 minutes later, Sarah’s slave, Hagar, was walking along the road to Shur when an angel of the Lord met her at a well in the desert. 

Hagar and the Angel of the Lord

Hagar and the Angel of the Lord

Angel of the Lord:  Hagar, slave of Sarah, where have you come from and where are you going?

Hagar:  Hey do me a favor and drop the  “slave of Sarah” when addressing me.

Angel of the Lord:  Yeah okay whatever.

Hagar:  Anyway, in  answer to your question, I’m running away from my mistress for she treats me cruelly because I despise her now that I carry her husband’s child in my womb.

Angel of the Lord:  Yeah okay whatever.  Hey listen, if you go back and be her slave, I will give you so many descendants that no one will be able to count them.

Hagar:  What is the fascination with the descendant counting?  Please don’t tell me that’s all there is to do where you’re from.

Angel of the Lord: Yeah okay whatever.  Hey guess what?  You will have a son and his name will be Ishmael because the Lord has heard your cry of distress.  Your son will be like a wild donkey.

Hagar: You’re saying that like it’s a good thing.

Angel of the Lord:  Yeah okay whatever. Be that way.

Hagar:   No it’s just that I’m trying to figure out which I should be more elated about, the Lord making my son be like a wild donkey or the Lord naming him Ishmael.

Angel of the Lord:   Well, you might also be interested in knowing that your son will  be against everyone and everyone will be against your son.  He will live apart from all his relatives.

Hagar:  Why don’t you just come right out and say it.  He’s going to be a total jack ass.

Angel of the Lord:  We prefer the term wild donkey.

Hagar:  Yeah okay whatever.  Be that way.

After that Hagar continued along the rocky road to Shur (luckily she was Shur footed) and she asked herself, “Have I really seen God and lived to tell about it?”  So she called The Lord who had spoken to her “A God Who Sees.”  

A couple hours later after Hagar gave birth:

Hagar:  Well Abram, I just gave birth to your very first descendant.  It’s a boy!  And he’s absolutely perfect except that instead of crying he brays. Plus he doesn’t seem to like anybody and nobody seems to like him.  Don’t worry though,  you’ll get used to it.

Abram:  Uh huh.

Hagar:  Oh and one more thing.  We have to call him Ishmael.  I know it’s a horrible name and that no baby should be named Ishmael, but who wants to to tell the Lord He has horrible taste in names? Not me!

Abram: Uh huh.

And there you have it, Dear Readers, this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible lesson. Please stay tuned next week when the Lord decides to replace signatures on all his covenants with circumcisions and hilarity ensues.

Until next time  . . . I love you

Loosely based on Genesis 16

Sarai and Abram

Sarah and Abram

 

Gregory’s Bible Stories: Two Wrongs Don’t Make an “ite”

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of the Gregory’s Bible Stories.  

In today’s Sunday School Lesson, Gregory learned about how God planned to give Abram’s descendants all the land that belonged to the tribes that had names ending in “ite”.

Gregory's Bible StoriesTwo Wrongs Don’t Make an “Ite”

When last we left the Lord and Abram, (God’s new best friend after Noah died), the Lord had just commanded Abram to bring Him a cow, a goat and a ram as well as a dove and a pigeon.

Abram: Okay, Lord,  I just drove my ox cart through Mcsafcrifices and got you a Cow-Goat-Ram Happy Sacrifice Meal with a side order of Dove and Pigeon as per your command.  Let’s sit outside and enjoy it, shall we?  It’s a beautiful day.

The Lord:  Wait a minute!  I just opened my Happy Sacrifice box and I am displeased.

Abram:  Oh no, don’t tell me they forgot Your toy.

The Lord:  It seems someone failed to cut the cow, the ram and the goat in half and place the halves opposite each other in two rows like I specifically requested!

Abram:  Does that seem a tad  obsessive compulsive to you?

The Lord:  What are you trying to say?

Abram:  Well, Look how anally you always want your sacrifices laid out? If I had a ruler you’d probably want me to measure the distance inbetween each piece of meat.

The Lord:  Do you have a ruler?

Abram:  No I was just pointing out that–

The Lord:  Abram! Behold!  MaSacrifices’s put cheese on my Dove and my Pigeon!

Abram:  What’s the matter with that?  You no likee cheese, Lord?

The Lord:  Ahaha!  Oh Abram, nobody cracks me up like you do!

Abram:   Uh oh Lord!  Look out for that vulture! He’s trying to get your cheese pigeon! You better make that vulture disappear!

The Lord:  Ha ha very funny Abram.  You know I don’t make vultures disappear. That’s why I created man.

Abram:  You mean you created man to shoo away the vultures?

The Lord:  If the shoo fits . . .

Abram.  Ah ha! You’re so funny Lord!

The Lord: Well you know what they always say, “The Lord works in hilarious ways.”

After their picnic, when the sun was going down, Abram fell into a deep, deep sleep and fear and terror came over him.   (Mcsacrifices food always made him sleepy and gave him nightmares.)

The Lord:  Psst! Abram?  Are you asleep?  Well don’t bother waking up.  What I have to tell you is best heard while asleep.  Your descendants will be strangers in a foreign land; they will be slaves there and will be treated cruelly for four-hundred years.  What have you got to say about that?

Abram:  Glumpy habba woo woo hearth burl.

The Lord:  Good you’re still asleep.  Anyway some other bad stuff will happen.  But the good news is you’ll live to a ripe old age and be buried.

Abram:  Zzzzzzzzzzzzz!

The Lord:  I knew you’d love that part!

When the sun had set, a smoking fire pot and a flaming torch suddenly appeared and passed between the pieces of animals.  Then and there the Lord made a covenant with Abram.

The Lord:  Abram, wake up.  I’m going to make a covenant with you!

Abram:  What’s a covenant again?

The Lord:    I promise to give to your descendants all this land from the border of Egypt to the Euphrates River, including the lands of the Kenites, the Kenizzites, the Kadmonites as well as the Perizzites, the Hittites and the-

Abram: The Dolomites?

The Lord:  Shh!  You’re getting me mixed up on my “ites.”  Let’s see, now where was I?  Oh yes, the Hittites and the Girgashites and the-

Abram:  The Vermiculites?

The Lord:  What? No!

Abram:  The Manhattanites?

The Lord:  Abram?

Abram:  Yes Lord?

The Lord:  You’re annoying the “ite” out of me.

Abram:  You want I should shoo some more vultures?

The Lord: Si Señor.

And there you have it, Dear Readers!  What Abram learned in Sunday School this week.  Please check back next week when Abram’s wife’s slave becomes a surrogate mother and hilarity ensues.

Until next time . . . I love you

God's Covenent with Abram

God’s Covenant with Abram

 

Loosely based on Genesis 15: 9-21

 

 

Gregory’s Bible Stories: Abram’s 537 Thousand-ish Kids

Welcome, Dear Readers, to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. 

In today’s Sunday School lesson, Gregory learned about how God told Abram he would have more descendants than stars in the sky, and he couldn’t help imagining how that conversation would have gone.

Gregory's Bible StoriesAbram’s 537 Thousand-ish  Kids

This week’s lesson is a continuation of the story of  God’s made-man, Abram, who filled the gap in God’s life after his bff Noah drowned. (Sadly, ark building leaves precious little time for swimming lessons.)

Property Procurement 

Last week, Abram had refused the King of Sodom’s kind offer to give Abram all the property Abram had procured from some people he killed. The very same property that had originally belonged to the King of Sodom who had procured it from some people he killed. (For more information about biblical property procurement, refer to the bible, pages 1-1600.)

Biblical scholars believe there are two reasons Abram gave the  King of Sodom’s property back:  1) Abram didn’t want people to say that keeping the King of Sodom’s property was the reason Abram became rich and 2) who knew where the King of Sodom’s property had been?

One day after a particularly trying day of biblical property procurement, Abram went to his tent, put out the Do Not וְנִבְהָ֑לְתִּי sign and lay down.   He was just drifting off when the Lord knocked on his tent (apparently the sign fell off before He had a chance to omnipotent it.)

The Lord:   Hey Wake up Abram!  I’ve got something to tell you.

Abram:  What?  Didn’t you see the Do Not וְנִבְהָ֑לְתִּי sign?

The Lord: Sign schmign!  I’ve got important news!

Abram:  It better be good.

The Lord: Well it’s this:  Do not be afraid, Abram I will shield you from danger and give you a great reward.

Abram: You woke me up for that?  What good will your reward be to me since I have no children? My only heir is my slave, Eliezer of Damascus, and I lost his address.

The Lord: This slave Eliezer of Damascus will not inherit your property.  You’re own son will inherit your property. Come outside with me!

Abram:  Can I at least change out of my jammies?

The Lord:  Look at the sky, Abram, and try to count the stars.

Abram:  Okay, one . . . two . . . three . . . four . . .

Two hours later:

Abram:  . . . 537,001, 537,002 . . .

The Lord:  I think you already counted that one.

Abram: Oops!  Make that 536,999 .. .

The Lord:  No that would make it 537,001.

Abram:  Are you sure?

The Lord raised His holy eyebrow most high.

Abram:  Okay okay.

The Lord:  Anyway never mind about the counting, Abram.  The point is that you will have more descendants than stars in the sky . . . isn’t that wonderful Abram? . . .   Abram? . . .  Hello!? . . .   Heaven to Abram!  What’s the matter, you look pale?

Abram:  I just thinking about all those school lunches I’m going to have to pack!

The Lord:  Ha ha!  Darn, I wish I wouldn’t have thrown away the mold I used to create your sense of humor!  Anyway, speaking of school lunches, bring me a cow, a goat and a ram, each of them three years old.

Abram:  One goat, one cow and one ram.Okay. I’m writing it down.  Is that all?

The Lord:  Did you get the  dove and the pigeon?

Abram:  No you didn’t say anything about a dove and a pigeon.

The Lord:  Oh yes I did.

Abram:  No  you didn’t.

The Lord shot Abram a don’t make me use the lightning look.

Abram:  Ha ha!  I was joking, Lord!  Of course I wrote down the dove and the pigeon.

The Lord:  Ahaha!  You know what, Abram?

Abram:  What?

The Lord:  You’re way funnier than Noah ever was.

Abram:  It’s a shame about the mold.

The Lord: Tell me about it.

And that concludes today’s edition of Gregory’s bible stories.  Please check back next week to find out what The Lord wants Abram to do with the cow, the goat, the ram and the dove and the pigeon! What could it be?

Until next time  . . . I love you

Abram counts stars Gregory's Bible Stories

 

Loosely based on Genesis 15: 1-9

Gregory’s Bible Stories: The Great King of Sodom Camel Mix-up

Welcome, Dear Readers, to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s bible stories. 

In today’s Sunday school lesson, Gregory learned about how Abram gave away the spoils of war to the King of Sodom.   He couldn’t help imagining how it all might have happened. 

 

LInda Vernon humoous bible storiesThe Great King of Sodom Camel Mix-up

 

As you will remember from the last lesson, Abram (God’s new best friend after Noah died) had just rescued his nephew, Lot,  from five evil kings with unpronounceable names who had kidnapped Lot and held him captive at Chedorlaomer. (Pronounced -Chedder-lame-o — named after a biblical tribe of people who were horrible at making cheese.)

King of Sodom, the Camel

Then everybody went back to Abram’s place and they held a big celebration with the King of Sodom and the King of Salem.  The king of Salem later went on to have a cigarette named after him and, it is rumored, that the King of Sodom later went on to have a camel named after him.

The Feast

The King of Salem was also a priest of The God Most High, so when everyone had finished feasting on goat hotcakes and were sitting around smoking Salem’s cigarettes, they all started yelling “Speech! Speech!” because in biblical days listening to speeches was on everybody’s bucket list, even God’s.

The King of Salem whose name was Melchizedek (Mel) took the floor:

Mel:  Abram, may The God Most High who made heaven and earth bless you!  Be praised, Abram,  because you gave us victories over all our enemies and as a token of our appreciation we are giving you some–

Abram:  Goat hotcakes?

Mel:  No I was gonna say some bread and wine.

Abram:  Does the bread at least come with syrup?

Mel: Sorry no.

Abram:  Now wait a minute here, Mel.  After going to war and defeating five kings for you and your wives and your slaves and managing to save every one of your asses, this is the thanks I get from The God Most High?

Mel:  Apparently.   But let me double-check my  Excel Spread Stone.  Let’s see . . . yup  It says the standard reward for defeating five kings is Bread and Wine.  The standard reward for defeating four kings is Goat Hotcakes.

Abram:  I’ll take a downgrade then.

Mel:  You can’t take a downgrade!  Nobody ever takes a downgrade!

Abram:  Yeah, well I’m Abram, and I’m best friends with the Manager, The God Most High.

Mel:  Well why didn’t you say so in the first place?  Just let me run it by my supervisor first.

Abram:  Who’s that?

Mel:  The God Most Medium.

Mel walks to a corner of the tent, closes his eyes for a few minutes and then returns.

Abram:  So what’d he say?

Mel:  He said he can pull some strings and downgrade you to Goat Hotcakes but only if you give away ten percent of the loot you collected from the spoils battle.

Then the King of Sodom took the floor.

King of Sodom:  Look, Abram, you don’t have to give me anything.  I just want all my people back.  I love my people . . . maybe a little too much, but still!

Abram:  “I solemnly swear before the Lord, The God Most High, Maker of Heaven and Earth that I will not keep anything of yours, not even a thread or a sandal strap!”

King of Sodom:   What about buttons?

Abram:   . . . and therefore, King of Sodom, you can never say, ‘I am the one who made Abram rich’ because I will take nothing for myself. And furthermore, I will accept only what my men have used.

King of Sodom:  Well okay, suit yourself.  So I guess the only thing left to do now is load up the spoils of war onto the The King of Sodom’s back.

Abram:  I don’t believe my ears!  You mean, you, the King of Sodom, will be carrying the spoils of war on your back?

King of Sodom:  No silly! I was talking about King of Sodom, my camel.

And a good laugh was had by all.

And there you have it, Dear Readers.  Please check back next week at this time to find out what Gregory learns about the bible next 

Until next time . . . I love you

This story was loosely based on Genesis: 17-24

 

The Journey back to Sodom

The Journey back to Sodom

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Golf Commentary in a Universe Where Nobody Keeps Tract of Yardage or Statistics

golf course grass

Commentator # 1:  There goes the great legendary golfer Arnold Palmer.

Commentator # 2:  Arnold Palmer!

Commentator # 1:  He sure is good at golfing!

Commentator # 2:  He’s won the Masters like . . . a bunch of times.

Commentator # 1:  I know!  He’s the winning-est winner who ever won!

Commentator # 2:  You can say that again!

Commentator # 1:  He’s the winning-est winner who ever won!

Commentator # 2:  Ah ha haaaa!

Commentator # 1:   Ha ha ha!

Commentator # 2:  Ah ha haaaa HA HA!

Commentator # 1:  HAAAAAAAAA ha!

Commentator # 2:  ahhhh . . . but seriously remember that time the great legendary golfer, Arnold Palmer, was playing in the Masters and he got up on the green and he eventually putted the ball into the hole?

Commentator # 1:  An Incredible moment!

Commentator # 2:  That will forever cement the great, legendary golfer, Arnold Palmer, in the annals of golf greatness.

Commentator # 1:  What will?

Commentator # 2:  The way he putted the ball into the hole at the Masters.

Commentator # 1:  Oh that!

Commentator # 2: Yeah what did you think we were talking about?

Commentator # 1:  I thought we were talking about his hair.

Commentator # 2: No, really?  Ha ha ha!

Commentator # 1:  Ah ha haaaa!

Commentator # 2:   Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Commentator # 1:  Ah ha haaaa HA HA!

Commentator # 2:  Haaaaaaa HA!

Commentator # 1:  Ahhhhh . . . .but seriously the truly noble thing about the great, legendary golfer, Arnold Palmer, is that he came from an ordinary background in which he didn’t have to overcome anything and yet he’s arguably the best golfer who has ever lived.

Commentator # 2:  What about Tiger?

Commentator # 1:  I said arguably.

Commentator # 2:  Oh, sorry  I didn’t hear that part.

Commentator # 1: No, really?  Ha ha ha!

Commentator # 2:  Ah ha haaaa!

Commentator # 1:   Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Commentator # 2:  Ah ha haaaa HA HA!

Commentator # 1:   Ahhhh . . . . but seriously, do you know how many times the great legendary golfer Arnold Palmer has made a hole in one?

Commentator # 2:  Who would know something like that?

Commentator # 1:  I don’t know, but I bet it’s a bunch.

Commentator # 1:  Yeah probly.

Commentator # 2:  You mean probably?

Commentator # 1:  No.

Commentator # 2:  Ah ha haaaa!

Commentator # 1:   Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Commentator # 2:  Ah ha haaaa HA HA!

Commentator # 1:  Haaaaaaa HA!

Commentator # 2:  Yup.  There he goes the legendary golfer Arnold Palmer!

Commentator # 1:  I wonder where he’s going?

Commentator # 2:  Probably to the bathroom.

Commentator # 1:  You mean probly?

Commentator # 1: Yup!  Ha ha ha!

Commentator # 2:  Ah ha haaaa!

Commentator # 1:   Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Commentator # 2:  Ah ha haaaa HA HA!

 

 

Until next time . . . I love you

 

 

 

Gregory’s Bible Stories: Pop Quiz Time

Welcome, Dear Readers, to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s bible stories. 

Today’s Sunday school lesson will be a pop quiz. HA!   

 

LInda Vernon humoous bible storiesPop Quiz Time

 

In the beginning God said:

a) let there be light

b) turn on the light

c) what’s wrong with this light

d) let there be Bud light

God created the world in:

a) Six days

b) a snit

c) vitro fertilization

d) all of the above

God created man in:

a) his own image

b) lieu of a better idea

c) his blue period

d) an inebriated state

God created Eve from:

a) Adam’s Rib

b) the goat bones left over from lunch

c) plastic bags, baling wire and four cans of creamed corn

d) plastic bags, baling wire and three cans of cream corn

Which fruit was forbidden in the Garden of Eden?

a) the apple

b) the chocolate-covered raisin

c) the plantain

d) The sun-dried tomato

Eve got talked into eating an apple by 

a) a snake

b) a nutritionist

c) Mary Tyler Moore

d) a holy ghost

God kicked Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden for:

a) taking one bite out of an apple, not finishing it and then flushing it down the toilet

b) trampling God’s flowers

c) forgetting to water

d) subletting to chimpanzees

Once Adam and Eve were kicked out of the garden of Eden, they didn’t want to be naked anymore because:

a) They never got a call back after job interviews

b) Frying bacon was quite painful

c) There was nobody to admire their lack of tan lines

d) It got chilly.

Please put down your pencils down. 

If you answered”a” to all of the above questions, congratulations!  You have just turned the world on with your smile!

I’m afraid the rest of you will have to stay after class until you find all 8 biblical Mary Tyler Moore’s in the picture below.

Mary Tyler Moore in the bible

Until next time . . . I love (is all around no need to waste it) you

Superman’s Other Weaknesses


FasSuperman's Other Weaknessest(er than a speeding bullet) Women

Mister Mxyzptlk’s killer Margaritas

Buzzing  high school girls at soccer practice

Metropolis Historic Home Tours

Jimmy Olsen’s rendition of Honey I Miss You

Crack Cocaine

X-ray-eying Scratchers

Jenga tournaments

Things that purr

1000-count Egyptian cotton leotards

Vintage phone booth hunting

Lois Lane’s Key Lime Pie

 

Until next time . . . I love you