Welcome, Dear Readers, to this Sunday’s edition of the The Bible According to Gregory.
Let’s listen in and see what Gregory learned in Sunday school this morning, shall we?
The Ten Commandments
One bright shiny biblical morning, the Lord said to Moses, “Cut two stone tablets like the first ones, and I will write on them the words that were on the first tablets you broke. (Moses was all thumbs.)
So Moses cut two stone tablets and lugged them all the way up to the top of Mount Sinai (the Lord’s favorite mountain).
Hey Hey You You Get Offa My Cloud!
The Lord came down in a cloud and stood with Moses, and the Lord pronounced his holy name which was pronounced “The Lord” and said to Moses, “I, the Lord, am a god who is full of compassion . . . but I will not fail to punish children and grandchildren to the third and fourth generations for the sins of their parents.” (The Lord was fond of starting his conversations with Moses in the middle of a thought.)
“I know you’re the Lord because you’re the only one I know who drives a cloud, ha ha!.” Is what Moses might have wanted to say as well as point out to the Lord that keeping track of all the kids of all those sinning great-grandparents was going to be a real headache.
But the Lord was already onto the His next topic. “I, the Lord, am going to do an awesome thing for you.”
“For Moi, Moses?”
“Oui ! Si! Ja! Da!” said the Lord who was toying with some new languages.
The Lord Smites the “ites”.
Then the Lord began listing all those he would drive out of their homes so his favorite kid, Moses and his friends could move in. Moses knew from past experience that this was going to take a while, so he pulled up a rock and began cleaning his fingernails with the hem of his robe.
“There’s the Amorites, the Canannites,” the Lord began “and the Hitites, the Perizzites, the Hivites and Amorites . . wait I already said them . . . I mean the . . . uh . . . “
The Israelites?” Moses piped up.
“No, you guys are the Israelites, Moses!”
“Oh! Ha ha I knew that, I was just testing you.”
“No I , the Lord, am trying to think of that other tribe . . .oh . . . what’s the name of those peoples? It’s on the tip of my Almighty Tongue . . . “
“I’ll bet it ends with an “ite”! Moses quipped.
The Lord shot Moses a look that said “One more crack like that and I’m replacing you as my favorite kid.”
I, the Lord, hope you’re writing all this down, Moses
Then the Lord started dictating a long list of covenants that Moses began chiseling into the stone tablets. And he found he was actually able to keep up rather nicely and commended himself for having the wherewithal to take that Shorthand for Hebrews correspondence course last summer during the Great Sheep Industry Lull of Minus 2347.
Moses speed chiseled everything the Lord said for 20 days and 20 nights, and spent the following 20 days and 20 nights re-reading everything back to the Lord for accuracy.
Unfortunately for Moses, the Lord was so involved in what he was saying, he completely forgot to offer Moses anything to eat or drink – scholars believe this is because the Lord wasn’t keen on doing his own cooking and snacks hadn’t been invented yet.
The face that would have launched a thousand ships if they would have had any (ships, that is).
About the time everyone was giving up on ever seeing Moses again, here he came skiing down Mount Sinai (by now it was winter) carrying the Ten Commandments.
But everyone was afraid to go near Moses because they saw that his face was shining, either from having taken a couple of face plants in the snow (Moses was a horrible skier) or because he had been talking with the Lord for 40 days and nights.
Either way, Moses had to wear a veil over his face for the rest of his life whenever he talked to anyone except the lord because everybody found the shine from his face to be hugely distracting and sunglasses hadn’t been invented yet.
And there you have it, Dear Readers, this week’s edition of the Bible According to Gregory.
Until next time . . . I love you
Photo credit: Illustrators of the 1897 Bible Pictures and What They Teach Us by Charles Foster from wiki images