“Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of The Bible According to Gregory.
Every week, Gregory goes to Sunday school. Every week his imagination runs wild during the lessons, and every week he comes home with his own version of the story.
Let’s listen in and see what the lesson was about this week, shall we?
Noah Rethinks His Carpentry Skills
When last we left Noah, God was explaining to Noah about how wicked everyone on earth was and how evil their thoughts were and that He was sorry He had ever made them.
Noah: Don’t be discouraged about how mankind turned out, Lord. You’ve got to remember it was your first try at making large amounts of people.
God: I’m full of regret, Noah. Everyone on earth is thinking evil thoughts all the time.
Noah: Well maybe if you didn’t listen in on their thoughts so much. Maybe you just need a vacation from everybody’s thoughts.
God: See that’s what I like about you Noah, you’re upbeat! You don’t have any faults! You’re the only good man of your time.
Noah: Ah shucks, God, you’re embarrassing me.
God: No, I mean that. Out of all of mankind, I only like you. You’re my best friend! Mankind is like a way, way distant second compared to you, Noah. You’re the only good man I ever created. In fact, come here, I want to give you a big hug.
God: Come on! I won’t bite! I may wipe you out in a flood, but I won’t bite!
Noah: God you made a joke!
God: I did? Well you bring out the best in me, Noah. Say, you wouldn’t happen to have anymore of that pomegranate wine cooler on hand would you?
Noah: Sure do you want one?
God: Does a bear sit in the woods?
Noah: Ah ha ha! You made another joke, Lord!
God: I don’t get it. What’s the joke?
Noah: Well, you know, because a bear doesn’t sit in the woods it— uh . . . hey, you want that wine cooler in a glass, God, or do you want to drink it right out of the pottery vessel?
God: Just give me the vessel. Anyway, like I was saying, Noah. I have decided to put an end to all of mankind. I will destroy them completely because the world is full of their violent deeds. Mm . . .great wine cooler Do you have any Pringles?
Noah: Yes but they’re a little stale. The expiration date was 500 years ago. I borrowed them from Grandpa Methusula.
God: Is he still alive? Awesome!
Noah: He’s 969, but could pass for a 700, I kid you not!
God: Super! Anyway, getting back to the flood I’m sending to wipe out every living thing on earth except for you and your family; I took the liberty of drawing up some plans so you can build a boat.
Noah: But Lord! I can’t even figure out how to put together a bookshelf.
God: Oy pshaw Noah! All you have to do is make a boat with some rooms in it, cover it with tar inside and out, make it 450 feet long, 75 feet wide and 45 feet high, make a roof with a space of 18 inches between the roof and the sides. Then simply construct three decks and slap a door on the side. It’s just you’re basic biblical boat. No big whoop. Don’t over-think it.
“My boat building skills are kind of iffy, Lord. On a scale of one to ten, how do you feel about rafts?
Noah: But Lord, when it comes to carpentry I’m all thumbs.
God: You’re kidding me. Where were you when I was passing out fingers?
Noah: I was . . . no Lord. It’s just an expression.
God: Listen, Noah, why don’t you get your three sons to help you out with building the boat. What are their names again? Moe, Curly and Shemp?
Noah: But Lord the oldest one is only a hundred. He can’t even walk yet.
God: Oh well I’m a little worried then. Maybe I’ll have to wipe you–
Noah: No no no no no no no! Lord! I was just kidding! I can build a boat. Absolutely! Positively! Not a problem at all. I’ll get ‘er done!
God: I’m so relieved to hear you say that Noah. Because building that boat?
God: Well that’s the easy part. Wait til you hear what I’ve got in mind for step two . . .
And there you have it, Dear Readers. This week’s edition of what Gregory surmised in Sunday School this morning. Please check back next week to learn about Step two of God’s plan for Noah.
Until next time . . . I love you