“Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of The Bible According to Gregory.
Every week, Gregory goes to Sunday school. Every week his imagination runs wild during the lessons, and every week he comes home with his own version of the story.
Let’s listen in and see what Gregory learned in Sunday School this week shall we?
Jesus Whips up a Whip
One Biblical day, it was time for Jesus and his disciples to attend the Passover Festival
The Passover Festival was celebrated every year to help people remember that Moses split the Red Sea and led the Israelites out of Egypt.
Apparently people had trouble remembering this because in Biblical days, sea splitting didn’t stand out as any big whoop and everybody and their cat eventually wanted to leave Egypt — hence the Passover Festival reminders.
This year Jesus and his disciples were going to celebrate the Passover Festivities at the Jerusalem temple.
The very same Jerusalem temple Jesus had gotten lost in when he was 12 and Mary and Joseph nearly had to put out an “Amber Alert” on him which in those days was called a “Hey Has Anybody Seen the Seed of My and God’s Loins Alert.”
One Day at the Jerusalem temple
When Mary and Joseph couldn’t find Jesus, they were so sick with worry, they went home and came back three days later-; where they were amazed to find that Jesus was a big hit at the temple — gregariously discussing the finer points of molecular biology with the wise men sitting on their wise asses– and magnanimously trading His mom’s favorite unleavened bread recipes with the ladies.
So Jesus was really looking forward to visiting the Jerusalem temple again.
But when Jesus and His disciples got to the temple, the place was in utter chaos. There were wall-to-wall First-Born Animal Sacrificing Stands as far as the eye could see, and what with the cows going moo, the sheep going baaa, and the pigeons going everywhere, Jesus couldn’t even hear himself think, let alone hear anybody else think!
To add insult to injury, evil men were sitting at tables fondling boxes of petty cash. These men were called the moneychangers because they decided how much change a person should get in actual money when buying a 50-cent hotdog with a five-dollar pigeon.
At least one Biblical student (named Gregory) believes the events that followed might have gone something like this:
Matthew: Look at all the animals? Is this a petting zoo, Jesus?
Peter: Hey what are you doing with those cords, Jesus?
John: He’s braiding them, Peter. Can’t you see he’s making a whip?
Mark: Jesus, what was that?
Mathew: Jesus just cracked His whip!
Andrew: And look! Everybody and their ass is stampeding out of the temple!
Judas: Hey lookee over there! Jesus is tipping over all the money-changer tables! Money’s flying everywhere! I better go help.
Jesus: Take them out of there! Stop making my Father’s house a marketplace!
About that time the Jewish authorities pulled up outside the temple and walked up to Jesus:
Jewish Authority: Can I see your identification.
Matthew: He’s Jesus. You better be careful, his Dad’s pretty high up there.
Jewish Authority: Oh really? What’s his Dad do?
Mark: He’s the All-Seeing, Omnipotent Creator of the Universe.
Jewish Authroity: Well . . . uh. . . . I’m going to need a little proof. What miracle can you do, Jesus, to show us you have the right to do this?
Jesus: Tear down this temple and in three days I will build it again!
Jewish Authority: Well, we could do that, but it took us 46 years to build it,and it would probably take 500 guys at least half that to tear it down. That’s an awful lot of work for us to go to. Wouldn’t it just be easier to show us some ID?
Fast forward to three days after Easter:
Matthew: You know what guys, I just thought of something.
The disciples who were now the apostles: What?
Matthew: Remember when Jesus told that Jewish Authority that if they tore down the temple, he would rebuild it in three days?
Matthew: Well since Jesus rose from the dead after three days, it’s obvious He was talking about His body, not the temple.
Apostles: Oh yeah! Huh?
Matthew: Hey does anybody hear jingling?
Apostles: It’ s just Judas. You can hear him coming now from a mile away.
And there you have it, Dear Readers! Please check back next week for more about what Gregory learned in Sunday School.
Until next time . . . I love you