Gregory’s Bible Stories: Adam Finds Love on Rib.com

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today in Sunday school Gregory learned about what happened when Eve moved into the Garden of Eden with Adam.

Gregory's Bible StoriesAdam Finds Love on Rib.com

When God was done forming woman out of Adam’s rib, he showed her to Adam and Adam said, “At last, here is one of my own kind.”  And he was secretly relieved she looked nothing like a platypus.

Adam’s New Wife

The first thing Eve did was give Adam her very best come hither look.  After Adam hithered, she gave Adam a long list of things that needed to be done around the garden and then gave him her best go hither look and Adam went.

Adam's Awkward First Date

Enter the Snake

Then Eve decided to go for a jog to burn off some of the cheesecake fruit she had just eaten, when she came across a snake who had just consumed a bull.  In those days snakes were always full of bull.

Then the snake started talking and asked Eve if the rumor was true that God had told Adam and Eve not to eat any fruit in the garden.  At this point, Eve didn’t see a “talking snake” as a red flag.  She was a trusting sort — as people who used to be ribs often are.

Eve carefully explained to the snake that God said they could eat any fruit except for the fruit of the tree in the middle of the garden.  The snake looked at Eve and knitted his eyebrows together questioningly.   (In those days snakes not only had eyebrows; they could also knit.)

“That’s not true, you will not die,” said the snake.  “God said that because He knows that when you eat that particular fruit you will be like God and know what is good and what is bad.”

“Well, you certainly seem to know a lot about trees, Snake,” Eve said. “Say, you wouldn’t happen to know if there’s any chocolate cupcake trees around here anywhere would you?”

“As a matter of fact, yes.” The snake answered. “That’s the one in the middle of the garden.”

“Seriously?”

“Absotively!  But God said you can’t eat from it so I guess it’s a mute point,”  the snake threw out there to see if it would stick.

Then, having successfully tempted Eve, the snake slithered away like he was all that and a bag of potatoes. (This was way before potato chips.)

Eve ran over to the chocolate cupcake tree and saw how beautiful it was growing there in the middle of the garden, it’s chocolate frosting glistening in the sunlight.  So she took some of the fruit and ate it and gave some to her husband and he also ate it.

Adam and Eve and the Cupcake Tree

Adam and Eve’s Sudden Understanding

Then Adam and Eve suddenly understood five things:  1) they suddenly understood they were naked 2) they suddenly understood they were going to have to sew some fig leaves together to make some clothes 3) they suddenly understood how to use the sewing machine 4) they suddenly understood chocolate cupcake fruit would go much better with a nice ice-cold glass of milk 5) they suddenly understood it was a big mistake to have eaten the cow.

Well that’s all the time Gregory had to tell us about his lesson in Sunday school today, Dear Readers, but check back next week to find out what happens when God sees chocolate cupcake crumbs on Adam and Eve’s faces.

Until next time . . . I love you

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Overly-Creative-Writing Lady Tackles the Drip Irrigation Guidelines

Hello Dear Readers!  Holy Cow!  Guess who’s here again today?  It seems The Overly-Creative-Writing Lady has agreed to edit some guidelines for us.

The Overly Creative Writer Lady

The Overly Creative Writer Lady would like us to take out our Drip Irrigation Guidelines and turn to the first page!

Page 1 of our Drip Irrigation System Guidelines

Let’s see how The Overly-Creative Writing Lady edits this sentence from the Drip Irrigation Guidelines:

“These drip emitters for shrub and trees provide full or partial pressure compensation.

The Maltese Drip Emitters

by

The Overly-Creative-Writing Lady

It was a Wednesday, wet, like Somebody Up There opened these drip emitters on a cloud that had more water in it than a dame’s eyes after finding out the Spanish shawl she just shelled out a hundred clams for went on sale, 50% off, the very next day.

The dame in question?  One Lola Richardson, a looker with a torso that, well . . . let’s just say a torso that would never be mistaken for shrubs and trees. 

Suddenly there was a knock on Lola’s door — a knock she knew better than the back of her hand which wasn’t saying much as Lola had never bothered looking at the back of her hand.

Lola ran through her tastefully decorated living room like a babbling brook seeking the mighty Missisip — past the grand piano, past the baby grand piano, past the regular piano, past the portable piano keys, past the Fisher-Price Kick and Play Piano until she reached the front door.

But should she open the door and let that bum of an ex-husband of hers Mickey Richardson, aka Mickey the Grim Reaper, aka Mickey the Infectious, aka Mickey the Mouse — if indeed it was he who was knocking — in?

Lola laid one of her voluptuous ears against the door to provide full or partial auditory discernment of the fist from whom the knocking emanated — but she was still uncertain.

So Lola put her other ear against the door, the one that was not quite as voluptuous (more like plain bordering on homely) but could actually hear. She pressed it harder and harder against the door until the pressure compensation allowed for the air-waves to finally penetrate it.

Yup.  It was Mickey Richardson alright.  So Lola opened the door and shot him until he was as dead as it gets.

Then Lola threw her Spanish shawl over his lifeless body and wept bitterly.  If only she could have gotten it for 50% off.

Lola's Spanish ShawlAnd there you have it, Dear Readers.  A word of caution — The Overly-Creative-Writing Lady is here for the duration of the week so you might want to steer clear of this blog. 

Until next time, The Overly-Creative-Writing Lady loves you

 

 

The Overly-Creative Writing Lady Tackles the Transistor Manual

Dear Readers!  It’s a day to rejoice!  The Overly Creative Writer Lady — who has been away from the blog for the last couple of months on a pilgrimage to the biggest balls of aluminum foil all over the world — has hurried home so that she visit this blog.  Are we lucky or what?

The Overly Creative Writer Lady freshly returned from her Aluminum foil ball pilgrimage

The Overly Creative Writer Lady freshly returned from her Biggest Balls of Aluminum Foil Pilgrimage

Today she has agreed to discuss a piece of literature that has always been near and dear to her heart: The Transistor Manual

The Transistor Manual

The Overly Creative Writer Lady’s Beloved Transistor Manual

So come on everybody!  Let’s all take out our Transistor Manuals and turn to page 17 shall we?  And see what wonderful story The Overly Creative Writing Lady  will whip up for us using the pedestrian text thereupon:

Page 17

Page 17

The Original Copy Says:

“The converter stage of a transistor radio is a combination of a local oscillator mixer and IF amplifier.” 

And now for the Overly Creative Writer Lady’s version:

Fernando Converter Takes the Cake

by

The Overly Creative Writer Lady

The world-renowned Fernando Converter took the stage of a broken down community theater in Walla Walla Washington. His transistor radio was hidden from view in the breast pocket of his skunk-fur-lined smoking jacket his card-cheating wife, Manuala, had given him to neutralize the odor of his cigar smoke for their 50th wedding anniversary.

“The audience’s response is a combination of boos and hisses!”   Fernando Converter thought to himself for, being alone on stage, there was no one else  to think it to. “Could it be they don’t like my smoking jacket?”

During the hissing and booing Fernando reminisced.   “Perhaps, for our 50th wedding anniversary,  I should have given Manuela a diamond ring instead of a local anesthetic  when she got her tongue caught in the 12-speed oscillator mixer beaters licking off cake dough. Come to think of it she didn’t seem very happy about the oscillator mixer, either!”   Fernando postulated wildly. (Which only made the hissing and booing louder.)

And IF Fernando Converter bought an amplifier to enhance the smell of his cigar smoke now that Manuala was already mad at him,  he was pretty sure Manuala was going to kill him because she cheated at cards and, as everyone knows, it’s a slippery slope from cheating at cards to murder.

But that was a big if which is why Fernando capitalized the ‘i’ and the ‘f’  in his mind while he was thinking about it.

In the end, Manuala didn’t end up killing Fernando, but she did poke his eye out with one of the beaters, and they lived happily ever after if you don’t count all the hissing and booing and Fernando being blind in one eye for the rest of his life.

The end

And there you have it Dear Readers! We can only hope the Overly Creative Writer Lady pays us a visit again real soon but it’s also okay if she doesn’t!

Until next time . . . I love you

A Visit from The Overly-Creative Writing Lady

Welcome Dear Readers!   I am happy to report that the Overly-Creative Writing Lady has agreed to come by the blog everyday this week and leave us with some some of her very own, unique, overly-creative thoughts on life.  Today, she slipped this poem under the door:

When Writing A Book

by

The Overly-Creative Writing Lady

The Overly Creative Writer Lady breaks in the blog

When writing a book

By hook or by crook

It’s best to start in the middle

Then work out each day

From the middle each way

(With the concept you later can fiddle)

 

overly creative writer lady Linda Vernon Humor

Now don’t give a thought

To the pacing or plot

For those things will take care of themselves

And don’t get bogged down

With the place or the town

(Just make all your characters elves)

overly creative writer lady advice linda vernon humor

Some writers they say

An outline’s the way

To keep it all straight in your head

Well forget what you’ve heard

You can polish each word

(For the rest of your life till your dead)

Overly creative writer lady side view

 Just stick in some sorrow

Some hope for tomorrow

Make your characters lisp with a  limp

You also might try

To give one a glass eye

(On character flaws never scrimp)

Overly creative writer lady linda vernon humor

Now I suppose

It’s time for a close

From the book writing lesson herein

Just remember to try

To keep the bar high

(Perhaps as far up as your chin)

Until next time . . . The Overly-Creative Writer Lady Loves You

Gregory’s Bible Stories: What God Hath Whittled

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today in Sunday school Gregory couldn’t wait to get home to tell everyone about what he learned about the Garden of Eden.  Let’s listen in, shall we?

Gregory's Bible StoriesWhat God Hath Whittled

When last we left God, He had just finished making Adam out of dirt.  Adam turned out great, much better than the dust bunnies God had made the previous day — which even He had to admit didn’t resemble bunnies that much.

dust bunnie or unicorn duck

“Hm . . . maybe I should call them Unicorn Ducks instead.

Then God put Adam in the Garden of Eden that God had just planted all by Himself.  He tried to elicit Adam’s help, but Adam was horrible at taking initiative. God wanted to fire Adam and replace him with someone more competent but He came to this conclusion only after He had used the last of the dirt for potting soil.

After watching Adam live in the Garden of Eden ad nasuem, it soon became apparent to God that Adam was a bit of a mess cat. It wasn’t long before Adam had overrun the pond with dirty dishes, strewn banana peels everywhere and overflowed the laundry hamper with dirty fig leafs.

Then the Lord said, “It is not good for the man to live alone.  I will make a suitable companion to help him.”  To which Adam replied, “Hallelujah!”

So God made a quick trip to the Soil-Eleven and got some more dirt and formed all the animals and birds.  Then He brought them to Adam to see what Adam would name them.  Biblical Scholars believe the conversation might have gone something like this:

God:  So, Adam, what do you want to name this really cool animal thingie I just made that has a tail like a beaver, a bill like a duck, webbed feet and this really cool spiky-thing in the back that has poison in it?

Adam:  Kitty.

God:  Kitty.  Really?  That’s it. Kitty?

Adam:  Kittypus?

God:  That’s the best you can come up with?

Adam:  Don’t you like Kittypus?

God:  Not really.

Adam:  Is it made out of  dirt?

God:  Actually I made this one out of Playdough.

Adam:  How about Playdough Pus?

God: Okay, but only if you’re sure it won’t get mangled in the translation thousands of years from now.

Adam:  I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life — except that I hate the taste of apples.

When God realized that none of the animals was going to be a suitable companion to help Adam, He decided using dirt as a construction material just wasn’t cutting it.

But hey! Speaking of cutting it . . . –why not cut a bone out of Adam and use it to make his companion? (This was way before baling wire had been invented.)

The Lord posed this question to Himself out loud but quietly so Adam wouldn’t hear Him. But Adam did hear and tried to run away by running  around and around the Tree of Knowledge.

God tried explaining to Adam that it wasn’t going to do any good to run away because the question was rhetorical, but Adam didn’t know what rhetorical meant as, up to that point, anyway, he couldn’t stand the taste apples.

Finally, God stuck His Almighty Foot out and tripped Adam and Adam fell down into a deep sleep.  Then God thought, what bone can I take out of Adam that he won’t miss?

Then God snapped His almighty Fingers. He would take out Adam’s middle ear bone, the stirrup.  But when God went to take it out, He saw that Adam had broken it when he fell — so God had to put a cast on it instead.

Then God remembered how much fun it had been making Adam’s ribs.  All He had to do was put the mud in His hands, close His fist and Voila!  All you can eat ribs!

So the Lord God decided to use Adam’s rib to make a companion for Adam. He figured Adam would never know the difference anyway, because as much as God was loath to admit it, it was beginning to look like the Tree of Knowledge was kind of a lost cause on Adam.

So God pulled out one of Adam’s ribs and began whittling away everything that wasn’t a woman . . .

Well that’s all Gregory had time for today, Dear Readers.  Please check back next week to find out what exactly it is that God hath whittled.

Until next time . . . I love you

Just us Playdough Pusses

God Removing Adam's Rib Coloring Page

God Removing Adam’s Rib Coloring Page

 

A Very Early Christmas Poem

A Very Early Christmas Poem Linda Vernon Humor

* * *

Until next time  . . . I love you

What God Did the Day After The Seventh Day

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today in Sunday school Gregory had to give a talk about what God did after creating the universe.  Let’s listen in, shall we?

Gregory's Bible StoriesWhat God did the Day After the Seventh Day

When God woke up bright and early on the eighth day after resting ad nasuem on the seventh day, He realized He had forgotten earth’s plants. He snapped his almighty fingers and said to Himself, “Doggone it!  I had to forget something!”

God also noticed that no seeds had sprouted because He had also forgotten to send any rain and there was no one to cultivate the land (or to blame his forgetfulness on).

But water would come up from beneath the surface of the ground.  So perhaps God took a little time out to congratulate Himself on having the wherewithal to install an underground sprinkling system.

Anyway, right after that, God took some soil — it was probably a little bit wet (possibly due to a broken sprinkler head) – and, without any mention of having taken any previous sculpting classes, God formed the soil into a man and breathed life-giving breath into his nostrils and the man began to live.  Which leads Biblical Scholars to conclude that even though the man was made out of dirt, he had no signs of dust allergies and wasn’t stuffy at all.

God Breath Life Into Adam Linda Vernon Humor

 

After that, God set the newly-formed man aside to give him time to “set-up” — the questions of whether or not he needed to be refrigerated during this process is what keeps Bible Scholars gainfully employed.

Then the Lord God planted a garden in Eden, in the East possibly because the neighborhood’s in West Eden were iffy in those days.  Nobody knows what the newly-formed man was doing while God was planting the garden. (Hopefully cleaning the dirt out from under his fingernails.)

Then God put the newly-formed man into the garden.

The man just sat there staring straight ahead like a newly-formed bump on a newly-formed log.  Then God made all kinds of beautiful trees grow there and produce good fruit.  In the middle of the garden stood the tree that gives life and the tree that gives knowledge of what is good and what is bad.

A stream flowed in Eden and watered the garden.  (Apparently the underground sprinkler system had already started giving God trouble.)

Then the Lord God placed the newly-formed man in the Garden of Eden to cultivate it and guard it and started to leave but He couldn’t help noticing that the man was pulling up all the flowers and watering all the weeds. God decided that since the newly-formed man had only had dirt for brains a few short hours ago, he was probably going to need to give him a tad bit more instruction.

So the Lord said to the man:  You may eat the fruit of any tree in the garden, except the tree that gives knowledge of what is good and what is bad.  You must not eat the fruit of that tree, if you do you will die the same day.  Capish?

But the newly-formed man didn’t capish.

Well, Dear Readers, that’s as far as Gregory got in his oral report this week. Please check back next week to find out what happens when God has a bone to pick with Adam.  

Until next time. . . I love you

God instructs Adam Linda Vernon Humor

Mummy Tell Me Again About Labor Day

Welcome Dear Readers!  Well it’s Labor Day here in the United States of America!  Which means a lot of people get the day off.  Nobody knows why and nobody cares why.

Well, Dear Readers, I for one, feel that Labor Day is getting the shaft, and that’s why I have taken the liberty of writing an educational story about Labor Day to create awareness for Labor Day appreciation.

Mummy, Tell Me Again About Labor Day

“Mummy, tell me again about Labor Day,” little Tommy Sweatington begged his mother one fine Labor Day morn. “For as you know mummy,” little Tommy continued, “tis my favorite American Federal holiday of all!”

Mummy Sweatington looked up from her task of scrubbing the floors of City Hall with a toothbrush and replied, “Tommy!  How many times have I told you never to come to City Hall wearing your pajamas!”

Mummy’s harsh words made Tommy’s heart sink and push down on his kidneys in such a way as to make the tears in Tommy’s eyes shoot out at odd trajectories.  But then he remembered it was Labor Day, his favorite American Federal holiday, and his heart floated back up to its proper position and his tears reversed their trajectory and went back into his eyes.

Once his vision cleared, Tommy noticed something very strange.  His mother was workingMummy was working on Labor Day! 

“Mummy!” screamed Tommy, “don’t you know that in 1882 Matthew MacGuire proposed Labor Day after witnessing a labor festival held in  Toronto Canada which eventually led to the observance of my most beloved American Federal Holiday  — Labor Day?  Mummy, I implore you to tell me why you are working on Labor Day?”

At this, Tommy became agitated and then Tommy became appalled and finally Tommy became apoplectic — which didn’t last very long — because right after that Tommy went back to being appalled and then merely agitated and by the time his mother looked up to answer his question, Tommy was pretty much back to normal.

“But Tommy Dear,” Mummy Sweatington replied, “I’m not working.  Scrubbing the floors of the City Hall is my hobby, silly!”

“But Mummy!” Tommy protested.  “Why would you want to have a hobby that requires you to scrub the floors of City Hall with your toothbrush?”

“Tommy darling, you don’t understand.  I’m not using my toothbrush to scrub the floors of City Hall, I’m using your toothbrush!”

And a good Labor Day laugh was had by all!

“That Mummy’s a riot!”

***

Happy Labor Day!

Until next time . . . I love you

Gregory’s Bible Stories: Sodom and Gomorrah Chamber of Commerce

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories!

Today in Sunday school Gregory gave an oral report on how Lot’s family manged to escape the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah and their Chamber of Commerce mixer.gregory

 

 Escaping The Sodom and Gomorrah Chamber of Commerce Mixer

One biblical evening in Sodom when Lot, his wife, Betty, and his two daughters, Mary Magdalene Kate and Ashley were about to sit down to feast with two of God’s best-looking angels, an angry mob began pounding on Lot’s door.

Lot:  Who is it?

Angry mob:  Tis us– the Sodom and Gomorrah Chamber of Commerce. We came to get God’s two best-looking angels and take them to our Sodom and Gomorrah Chamber of Commerce mixer.

Best Looking Angel #1:  Would you mind telling them, Lot,  that we’d rather die but thanks anyway?

Best Looking Angel #2:  Oh and speaking of dying, Lot,  I almost forgot our whole reason for coming.  HA!   The Lord sent us to get you and your relatives out of Sodom and Gomorrah before He pushes His almighty destruction button and turns it to Smithereens.

Lot:   Smithereens?  Are you sure you don’t mean Nazarenes?

BLA #2:  No.  You see the Lord is going to wipe Sodom and Gomorrah off the face of the planet.

Lot:  What’s a planet?

BLA#2:  Oy!  Okay let me put it in a way your more likely to understand.  How would you like to hear a Sodom and Gomorrah knock knock joke?

Lot:  Sure.

BLA #2:  Knock knock

Lot:  Who’s there

BLA#2:  Armageddon

Lot:  Armageddon who?

BLA#2:  Armageddon through to you?  If the Lord destroys Sodom and Gomorrah, you’ll be toast!

Lot:  But I love toast. Shall I let the Sodom and Gomorrah Chamber of Commerce in now?

Suddenly one of the angels looked into the sky and saw that it was partly cloudy with a 90 percent chance of burning sulfur rain.   So they took the hands of  Lot and his wife and daughters and lead them out of the city of Sodom and told them to run for their lives up into the mountains lest they become toast.

Lot:  But my feet are killing me as my sandals have no arch support.  Couldn’t we just go to that little town up ahead?

The Lord:  (this is where the Lord decided to get in on the conversation):  All right, I agree.  I won’t destroy that town.  Hurry Run!  I can’t do anything until you get there.

The sun was rising when Lot and his family schlepped into the little town that Lot had renamed Zoar on the way there because he thought Zoar meant “little town”  but it really meant “good arch support” but nobody had the heart to tell him that.

Everybody wanted to watch as the Lord rained down burning sulfur on the city of Sodom and Gomorrah but nobody did except for Betty who instantly turned into a pillar of salt — which of course left Lot feeling horrible.

After that, Lot was  forced to grieve alone as there were even fewer support groups for Pillar of Salt Widows then than there are today.

Luckily Lot was able to finally recover from his grief and went on to become a charter member of the Zoar Chamber of Commerce where he made sure toast was served at all the mixers.

And there you have it, Dear Readers, what Gregory learned in Sunday School. Stay tuned next week to find out what Gregory learns next.

Until next time . . . I love you

a picture of Sodom and Gomorrah

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yak Problems

Yak

 

 

img078Until next time . . . I love you

 

My Brain, Peanuts, Has Four Eyes

I broke my glasses because my brain, Peanuts, placed them directly underneath where my foot was supposed to go.

My Brain, Peanuts

My Brain, Peanuts

Peanuts and I have been wearing glasses now for 20 years due to adult onset blurriness, and you’d think my brain, Peanuts, would have figured out a way to not step on them.

But no, every once in a while Peanuts has to test me to see if I’m still paying attention (and I never am).

I don’t get it because there’s nothing Peanuts and I hate doing more than having to get new glasses.  What was Peanuts thinking?

So I got my husband, 37, to tape them back together for me, because he’s an engineer so he knows about things like that.

Except that I didnt trust his taping judgment once he was done and added more tape myself.

So now I’m officially a nerd.

I’d take a picture to show you but I think it might be too early in the morning for that. Oh what the heck, let’s live dangerously shall we?

Me in my new nerdy glasses:

Well, wait a minute . . . let me see if I can take the picture from a better angle:

Oh that’s better.  I like this of me in my nerdy glasses a little better because you can’t really see the tape all that much.

Anyway, what were we talking about?  Oh yeah, the careless behavior of my brain, Peanuts.

So now Peanuts and I will have to stumble down to the glasses store and get those nasty drops put in.  Then once we are legally blind, we will be guided out front to pick out frames from the two or three thousand styles displayed right in front of our eyes somewhere.

The conversation with the professional four-eyes care specialist will go something like this:

Me:  How do these look on me?

Her:  Oh those look good on you.

Me:  Really?  Well how about these?

Her:  Oh!!! Those look good on you!

Me.  Really?  What about these?

Her:  Oh those!!! Look good on you.

Me:  How about these?

Her:  Oh those, look!!!  Good on you!!

Me:  And these?

Her:  Oh those look good!!! On you!!

Me:   Oh but what about these?

Her:  Oh those look good on!!!  You!!!!!

Me:  Oh, yeah, what about these?

Her:  Oh those look good on you.

Of course, we all know how this story ends.  Peanuts and I will finally decide on frames, then go back to pick them up three weeks later because their motto is ready in about an hour give or take three weeks.

Me Picking Up My Glasses:  Are you sure these are my glasses because they look horrible and I can’t see a thing.

Her:  OH!!! THOSE!!! LOOK!!! GOOD!!! ON!!! YOU!!!

Then Peanuts and I will go home and while I’m crying my eyes out, Peanuts will be eating a 1000 grams of sugar.

Until next time . . . I love you

More Magazine Mashups

Welcome Dear Readers! It’s time once again for another edition of Magazine Mashups, where my brain, Peanuts, splices together existing magazines to come up new ones.

Today Peanuts took SLO LIfe Magazine:

Slo Life Magazine

And combined it with a Magazine called B:

bcoverkeyholefeb98

To Get:

Slob Mag

 

And there you have it, Dear Readers!  SLOB Magazine!

Until next time . . . I love you

Gregory’s Vacation Bible School: The Ten Commandments

Welcome, Dear Readers to the very last week of Gregory’s Vacation Bible School. Next week, Gregory will go back to attending regular Sunday School where the teacher will continue working her way through the bible, story by story.  

Since this is the last day of Vacation Bible School, the teacher asked Gregory to give a report about how Moses got the ten commandments.  Let’s listen in, shall we?

The Bible according to Gregory LInda Vernon HumorHow Moses Got the Ten Commandments

One bright shiny biblical morning, the Lord said to Moses, “Cut two stone tablets like the first ones, and I will write on them the words that were on the first tablets you broke. (Moses was all thumbs.)

So Moses cut two stone tablets and  lugged them all the way up to the top of Mount Sinai (the Lord’s favorite mountain).

Hey Hey You You Get Offa My Cloud!

The Lord came down in a cloud and stood with Moses, and the Lord pronounced his holy name which was pronounced “The Lord” and said to Moses, “I, the Lord, am a god who is full of compassion . . . but I will not fail to punish children and grandchildren to the third and fourth generations for the sins of their parents.” (The Lord was fond of starting his conversations in the middle of a thought.)

“I know you’re the Lord because you’re the only one I know who drives a cloud, ha ha!.”  Is what Moses might have wanted to say as well as point out to the Lord that keeping track of which grandkids of all those sinning great-grandparents to punish was going to be a real headache.

But the Lord was already onto the His next topic.  “I, the Lord, am going to do an awesome thing for you.”

“For Moi, Moses?”

“Oui ! Si! Ja! Da!” said the Lord who was toying with some new languages.

The Lord Smites the “ites”.

Then the Lord began listing all those he would drive out of their homes so his favorite kid, Moses, and all his friends could move in.  Moses knew from past experience that this was going to take a while, so he pulled up a rock and  began cleaning his fingernails with the hem of his robe.

“There’s the Amorites, the Canannites,” the Lord began “and the Hitites, the Perizzites, the Hivites and Amorites . . wait I already said them . . . I mean the . . . uh . . . “

The Israelites?” Moses piped up.

“No, you guys are the Israelites, Moses!”

“Oh! Ha ha I knew that, I was just testing you.”

“No I , the Lord, am trying to think of that other tribe  . . .oh . . . what’s the name of those peoples?  It’s on the tip of my Almighty Tongue . . . “

“I’ll bet it ends with an  “ite”!  Moses quipped.

The Lord shot Moses a look that said, “Don’t make me get my lightening bolt.”

I, the Lord, hope you’re writing all this down, Moses

Then the Lord started dictating a long list of covenants that Moses began chiseling into the stone tablets.  And he found he was actually able to keep up rather nicely and commended himself for having the wherewithal to take that Shorthand for Hebrews correspondence course last summer during the Great Sheep Industry Lull of Minus 2347.

Moses speed chiseled everything the Lord said for 20 days and 20 nights, and spent the following 20 days and 20 nights icing his carpal tunnel syndrome and  re-reading everything back to the Lord for accuracy.

Unfortunately for Moses, the Lord was so involved in what he was saying, he completely forgot to offer Moses anything to eat or drink  —  scholars believe this is because the Lord  wasn’t keen on doing his own cooking and Fresca hadn’t been invented yet.

The face that would have launched a thousand ships if they would have had any (ships, that is)

About the time everyone was giving up on ever seeing Moses again, here he came skiing down Mount Sinai (by now it was winter) carrying the Ten Commandments.

But everyone was afraid to go near Moses because they saw that his face was shining, either from having taken a couple of face plants in the snow (Moses was a horrible skier) or because he had been talking with the Lord for 40 days and nights.

Either way, Moses had to wear a veil over his face for the rest of his life whenever he talked to anyone except the lord because everybody found the shine from his face to be hugely distracting. (Sunglasses hadn’t been invented yet.)

And there you have it, Dear Readers, this week’s edition of the Bible According to Gregory.

The Bible According to Gregary Linda Vernon Humor

Until next time . . . I love you

Photo credit: Illustrators of the 1897 Bible Pictures and What They Teach Us by Charles Foster from wiki images

Gregory’s Vacation Bible School: Elijah and Elisha

Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s vacation bible school.  Gregory is having a lot of fun at bible school this summer.  Today he was asked to tell the story of Elijah and Elisha.

Gregory of the Bible According to Gregory Linda Vernon Humor

 Elijah and Elisha

Back in biblical days before the days of the week had names, everybody just said “and it came to pass” to refer to any day other than “today”.  On this particular “and so it came to pass” there were two bible men named Elijah (Eli) and Elisha (Fred).

The Very First Biblical Groupie

Eli was a traveling miracle performer and Fred was his devoted fan who followed Eli around everywhere he went like a little puppy dog.

Finally one day Eli just couldn’t take it anymore.

Eli:  Hey listen. Fred, it’s been great and all, but I just got word that the Lord is sending a whirlwind for me any minute now to take me up to heaven.  So I’ll see ya around.

Fred:    Yeah but where are you going now?

Eli:   The Jordan River.

Fred:  Oh I love the Jordan River!  I’ll come too!

Eli: There’s not enough room in the cart, sorry man.

Fred:  I see plenty of room in the cart!

Eli:  Yeah, but I like to stretch out.

Fred:   Oh right!  Gotcha!  I’ll just run along behind.

When they got to the Jordan River. Eli told Fred to stay where he was because in order to cross the river, he was going to have to part the water with his “all in one miracle cloak.”  (This was way before swimming had been invented.)

Fred: What?  You’re going to do some water parting?  Oh I love that!  I’ll come too.

Eli sighed and rolled his eyes, and while he was parting the river, he looked over at Fred who was dusting out Eli’s cart and fluffing Eli’s cart-pillow, and he felt a pang of guilt.

A Lovely Parting Gift

Eli:  Hey listen Fred.  I’d like to give you a lovely parting gift before the Lord’s whirlwind  comes to get me.  So what would you like?

Fred:  Oh gosh.  I need so many things.  Some new sandals maybe?

Eli:  Great new sandals it is!

Fred:  But then again I could use a new cloak.  This one’s got fig juice stains all over it.

Eli:  Great.

Fred:  No wait!  I know!  I’ll take a portion of your power that will make me your successor!

Just then the Lord’s Whirlwind pulled up and Eli got in and told the driver, “Heaven and make it snappy!”

And that was the last time Fred ever saw Eli again.

A Biblical Nervous Breakdown

Fred was so grief stricken, he had the usual biblical nervous breakdown which consisted of tearing at his fig-stained cloak and ripping it into shreds using nothing but his one good tooth and his fingernails.  (This was way before the invention of fingernail clippers.)

Then he spied Eli’s magic cloak laying on the ground and put it on.  Seconds later, the Jordan River parted, and Fred walked across and found 50 men there who immediately began bowing at his feet and telling him they would go find Eli for him.

Fred sat down and chugged big goblet of fig juice, while the men ran off to the mountains and valleys to look for Eli and came back and reported to Fred that Eli was nowhere to be found.

But Fred wasn’t listening anyway, because he was too busy marveling at how the fig juice he spilled all over Eli’s “all in one miracle cloak” hadn’t left a stain. (This was way before Tide Sticks had been invented.)

And there you have it, Dear Readers, what Gregory learned in Vacation Bible School school! Check back next week at this same time to see what Gregory learns about next.

Until next time  . . . I love you

Elijah Ascends on the Lord's fiery chariot to heaven

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Mr. Hoink’s Farm

Linda Vernon humor illustration of cow getting scratched by Mr. Hoink