Saul, the Yardstick That Became a Ruler

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today Gregory learned about when Saul was anointed as Ruler of Israel.  Let’s listen in as Gregory tells us about the lesson.

gregorySaul, the Yardstick That Became a Ruler

Once there was a wealthy man named Kish who forgot to tie up his donkeys, and they all ran away.  So Kish sent his son Saul to find them. Saul Kished his father goodbye and set out on foot with his servant to the country of Ephraim which in those days was the donkey capital of the world.

Now, in biblical times, Saul was the sexiest man alive.  Not only was he handsome, but he was also a foot taller than everyone else in Israel.  Some biblical scholars believe his height was approximately two yardsticks tall, while other biblical scholars believe he was probably only six feet tall, while still other biblical scholars believe he was just wearing lifts. (Whatever it was, from Saul’s elevated vantage point, all he saw when he looked around was a sea of crooked yarmulkes.)

When Saul and his servant arrived at Zuph, they’d had enough of looking for donkeys.

Saul:  Let’s go back home or my father might stop worrying about donkeys and start worrying about us.

Servant:  Ha ha!  You actually made a little bit of a joke, Saul.

Saul:  What’s a joke?

Servant:  You know, it’s humor.

Saul:  You mean like body fluid humor such as blood, lymph or bile?

Servant:  No, I mean like humorous humor as in funny.  You’re a funny guy.

Saul:  Funny like I’m a clown?  Like I make you laugh? Like I’m here to amuse you?  How am I funny?  Funny how?

Servant:  No! Saul!  I guess what I meant was humor as in bile humor.  I always get those two mixed up!  Sorry Saul.

Saul:  Forget about it!  Now get over here and let me straighten up your yarmulke!

Servant:  Hey I just remembered something!

Saul:  I hope it doesn’t have anything to do with humor.

Servant:  No, there’s a seer in this town. If we give him a nickel, he can tell us where the donkeys are.

Saul:  I don’t want to give him a nickel.

Servant:  No I meant if I give him a nickel.

Saul:   Well what are we waiting for?  Let’s go!

As Saul and his servant were going up the hill to the town, they met some girls who were coming out to draw water:

Saul:  Excuse me.   Do you girls know if there’s a seer in town?

Girl #1:  A Sears?  No.  Our town’s pretty small.  We don’t even have a Walmart.

Saul:  Am I to understand that you mean you don’t have a wall around which your town is surrounded whereupon a mart lies within?

Girl: #1:  I guess.

Just then Saul and his servant ran into Samuel who was very important person in Israel, not quite a king, but way more than a mayor.  Samuel was the seer that Saul’s Servant said Saul would see (with or without six seashells by the seashore).

"Are you the seer?" "Yes, I'm the seer." "Well I'm just asking because your eyes are closed." "Yeah well at least I have eyes."

“Are you the seer?”
“Yes, I’m the seer.”
“Well I’m just asking because your eyes are closed.”
“Yeah well at least I have eyes.”

The day before God had told him Samuel that Saul would be coming and that Samuel was to anoint Saul as the ruler of Israel. So Samuel invited Saul to a big feast in which Saul was served the best piece of meat available at that time, a leg. (This was way before animals had breasts).

When the feast was over Samuel fixed up a nice place for Saul to sleep in his guest bedroom that also doubled as his roof.  The next morning Samuel took a jar of olive oil and poured it on Saul’s head.  “The Lord anoints you as ruler of his people of Israel,”  Samuel said, and then he gave Saul a great big ol’ Kish.

Not only am I anointing you the ruler of Israel, Saul, but this will do wonders for your dandruff.”

 And there you  have it, Dear Readers, what Gregory learned in Sunday School this morning.  Please come back next week at this same to find out what Gregory learns next.

Until next time . . . I love you

My Mighty Steed’s a Centipede

Oh roll of thunder hear my cry

I just got a dirt clod in my eye

A hundred feet they beat asunder

Atop my centipede of wonder

 

Never do I turn my head

For falling off’s my biggest dread.

Not that I’d have far to fall

For a centipede’s not tall at all

 

But his feet, my dear, are a hundred numbered

Yet he never finds himself encumbered

He ties his shoes so they don’t come loose

With a slip-knot, square-knot,  half-hitch noose

 

Centipede

Until next time  . . . I love you

 

 

 

Ten Ways to Tell if You’re Overdoing Thanksgiving

Hello Dear Readers!  I love Thanksgiving!  It’s one of my favorite holidays.  Every year I cook for my family and every year I look forward to it with great pleasure.  Maybe a little too much pleasure.  That’s why I’ve come up with this list of warning signs on how to tell if you are going to overdo Thanksgiving.

How to Tell if You’re Going to Overdo Thanksgiving
Woman looking pensive with leaves on her head

You’ve replaced the phrase “I love you” with the phrase “Olive you”.

You just got back from Potato Mashing Immersion Camp.

You’ve instructed your surgeon to break ground on that new stomach addition.

Architect looking at plans

“So the way I see it, we can knock out a wall between the belly and the button, and we should have room for an entire bowl of mashed potatoes and gravy.

In preparation for the big feast, you’ve managed to diet down to a size bite.

Even if you were to carry out pi to a million decimals, all forms of pi will be polished off by Friday.

“Of course I didn’t eat all the pumpkin pie! I ‘m an apple guy.”

You’ve taken to sleeping on a pillow of mini marshmallows.

Thanks to you and your voluminous Yam Stockpile the earth will be taking 6 days longer to orbit the sun.

Earth orbiting sun

“Gosh this week is really dragging by. What day is it?”
“Yamsday.”
“Still?”

You made an appointment with your dentist to get your teeth sharpened.

Your new gravy boat sleeps six.

“Move over!”
“No you!”

Your husband, Tom, is slightly worried about you because his name is Bill.

You’ve been preheating your oven since the 4th of July.

You refuse to read, watch or listen to  anything that isn’t about Jello.

“Honey! Come quick! Look!  There’s Bigfoot!”
“Is he in the form of a Jello mold?”
“No.”
“Is he carrying Jello?”
“No.”
“Then I’m not going to look.”

And the most obvious way to tell if you’re going to overdo Thanksgiving:

Your appendix has been officially called back into active duty for the stomach reserves.

“Ten Hut!”

 

Until next time . . . Olive you

My Brain, Peanuts, Remembers: Television

Hello Dear Readers!  Welcome to this edition of My Brain, Peanuts, Remembers.

Today’s Topic:  Television

Back in the 50’s, before there was nothing  good to watch on hundreds of satellite and cable TV channels,  we had to make do with nothing good to watch on only three measly little channels, ABC, NBC and CBS.

Ah the Simple Days!

Watching TV in the 50’s couldn’t have been simpler.  First of all, there was no remote to bother with.  We never had to spend upwards of a half hour rummaging around the Naugahyde davenport cushions trying to find the remote control.

Instead, my brothers and I would spend upwards of a half hour arguing over who should change the channel because they were the closest one to the television set.

I have one vivid memory of me and my little brother, Ricky, and my older brother, Peter, plastering ourselves against the back wall of our living room, each trying to make ourselves farthest away from the TV.  I can’t even imagine how many episodes of Ruff and Ready were wasted in this way.

Changing Channels

Changing the channel in those days was pretty simple.  You simply walked over to the TV and turned the dial until it would clunkily kachunk onto either 2 (ABC), 4 (CBS) or 6 (NBC).  The dial had way more numbers on it than 2, 4 and 6.  (It might have gone up to 11 now that I think about it.)

Obviously, TV manufacturers were the visionaries of the 1950’s. They kept their eyes focused on a day in the not too distant future when there might actually be more than snow to watch on all those other channels.

50's television snow

They saw the future and it didn’t look anything like this, thank god!

But in the 50’s, because there wasn’t that much on TV and because we were all so giddy about television viewing, we were all pretty much okay with watching snow.

My grandmother, who lived way out in the country and had no cable connection or antenna reception, claimed she got channel 13.  She’d proudly turn on her TV set and turn the dial to channel 13.  There  would be nothing but snow on the screen. But if you listened closely enough, you could occasionally make out the sound of voices although it was impossible to figure out what they were saying.

I remember visiting my grandmother and sitting in front of her TV set watching the snow and listening to the random voices.  Her TV set was pretty fancy.  It was in a blond wooden cabinet that had shuttered doors.  I’d sit in front of it, watching the snow and listening for voices while my grandmother would watch from her new white Naugahyde couch while she crocheted colorful afghans (the blankets not the people). My grandmother was totally on board with mid-century decor.

The Thrill of Saturday Morning Cartoons

My brothers and I would get up at the crack of dawn on Saturday mornings to watch cartoons.  But if we were too early, we would turn on the TV and watch the snow because all the stations quit broadcasting at midnight and didn’t resume broadcasting until about 7 a.m. in the morning.

So every night at midnight, all three stations would broadcast a recording of The Star Spangled Banner and then sign off.  Everybody was a lot more patriotic in those days.

Maybe because there was a cold war going on, and you never knew if tonight would be the night that Nikita Khrushchev would get tanked up on vodka and accidentally pass out on the atomic bomb button that was aimed directly at your hometown.

It’s little wonder that TV programmers figured it was probably a good idea to send everybody off to bed with a good dose of patriotism.

Anyway, on Saturday morning, my brothers and I would watch the snow until the thrill of the test pattern came on:

IndianHeadTestPattern16x9 (1)

Not only is this impressive, did you know one of the colors is magenta?

Once the test pattern came on things really got exciting.  It meant we were almost to the beginning of actual television broadcasting and one minute closer to watching the cartoon adventures of Ruff and Ready!

The test pattern was accompanied by a long tone like you would hear during an emergency broadcast warning.  Then an announcer would come on and explain what the colors of the test pattern were.  One of the colors was magenta. Every week my brothers and I wondered what color magenta was.

MagentaIcon

Okay just googled magenta,. and even google isn’t sure what color magenta is.

Sometimes while we were waiting for the cartoons to start, my brothers would scrape the frost off the freezer box in the refrigerator and eat it like a snow cone. I never cared much for the frost on the pre-defrost-free refrigerator freezers.  I always felt it had a funny aftertaste. But my brothers seemed to enjoy it.

freezer frost

Peter and Ricky viewed this freezer frost as the snow cone half full.

Ah yes!  TV in the 50’s.  I often ask myself if there’s anything today that compares to that long-ago  thrill of hearing the theme song to Ruff and Ready while eating freezer snow cones . . . and the answer, Dear Readers, is yes . . . practically everything!

 

Until next time . . . I love you

Gregory’s Bible Stories: Naaman’s Seven Baths

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today Gregory learned about a commander of the army of Syria, Naaman, who was having a little trouble with his skin.  Let’s listen in, shall we?

gregoryNaaman’s Seven Baths

One biblical day about a fifth of the way through the bible, there lived in the holy land, a man named Naaman. As the commander of the Syrian army and as a close friend of the king of Syria, Naaman had it made in the shade or would have, anyway, had there been any trees.

But there was one tiny detail that tortured Naaman day and night.  You see Naaman suffered from a horrible case of biblical dry skin , a dreaded old-testament skin condition for which there was no cure.  (This was way before hand lotion was invented.)

Naaman’s dry skin condition took its toll on his life both at home and at work. Even the simplest tasks would cause him to look down at his scaly arms and legs in despair.  Whether he was relaxing at home in his hobby room organizing his slaves by height and weightor whether he was at work slicing off heads or impaling enemies, Naaman was finding it more and more difficult to enjoy the little things in life.

Then one day Naaman brought home a cute little stray Israelite slave girl for his wife who was really into taking in stray slaves.  In fact, she was known around the neighborhood as the Crazy Slave Lady.

Anyway, one day the little slave girl told Naaman’s wife that she knew of a prophet who might be able to help Naaman with his dry skin:

Naaman’s Wife:  Norman!  Good news.  I just found out that a prophet named Elisha can cure your dry skin!

Naaman:  Honey!  My name’s not Norman, it’s Naamon!

Naaman’s Wife:  It is?

So Naaman immediately went to the king of Syria and told him the news.

Naaman:  Yeah, so I just found out that there’s a prophet in Samaria who can help me with my problem.

King of Syria:  What problem is that, Norman?  Your two left feet?

Naaman:  No not that problem.

King:  Oh you mean the problem of that strange odor that is always emanating  from your personage?   Or are you referring  your propensity to whistle off-key?

Naaman:  No, I’m talking about my dry skin problem!

King:   Gross!

Naaman:  Yeah well, all I need now is a letter from you introducing me to the king of Israel along with ten thousand pieces of gold and ten changes of fine clothes and I think we can pretty much kiss my dry skin problem goodbye.

Later that day in Israel:

Naaman:   Hello King of Israel! Here’s a letter from the King of Syria introducing me, Naaman, to you.  How do you do?

King of Israel:  Hi Norman.

Naaman:  It’s  Naaman.

King of Israel:  The letter says, Norman.

Naaman:  Whatever.  Can you cure my dry skin or not?

King of Israel: Hm. . . I’m not sure.   Listen why don’t you have a seat over there in dry skin waiting area, Norman, while I consult with my wise men on this matter of great importance. Oh and help yourself to the figs, Norm.  You don’t mind if I call you Norm, do you?

Naaman:  Sure go right ahead you stupid . . .

King of Israel:  Sorry Norm, I didn’t catch that.

Naaman:  Good figs!

The King began pondering what to do by wailing, moaning and tearing at his clothes as is the standard biblical procedure for making decisions, and finally decided to do what he always did when dealing with people with dry skin issues — send them to the prophet Elisha’s house.

When Naaman arrived, Elisha sent out his servant to deliver his usual dry skin advice:

Naaman:  Hi, I’m Naaman.  I’m here to get my dry skin cured by Elisha?

Elisha’s Servant, Gehazi:  Oh yeah, he’s been expecting you Norman.   He told me to tell you to take seven baths in the Jordan River.

Naaman:  Seven whats?

At this exact moment all of  Naaman’s servants took the opportunity to explain to Naaman not only what a bath was– but also, what it meant to brush one’s teeth (or tooth in Naaman’s case).

When Naaman was finished scrubbing up, his dry skin was completely gone!  So Elisha’s servant, Gehazi, talked Naaman into giving Elisha six thousand pieces of silver and two changes of fine clothes for the bathing suggestion — which made Elisha mad because he never charged for personal hygiene advice as he felt the fresh air it created was reward enough.

But because Gehazi took money for Elisha’s advice, Elisha punished Gahazi by giving him dry skin which Gehazi was later able to cure by cutting strips of the fine clothing he received, soaking them in ointment and wrapping them around his arms and legs — a cure for dry skin which is known today as the Gehazi Strip.

And there you have it Dear Readers, what Gregory learned in Sunday School today.  Please check back next week to find out what he will learn next.

Until next time . . . I love you

Naaman and the seven baths

A Visit From the Toaster Reviewer Gal!

Welcome Dear Readers!  Today the Toaster Reviewer Gal was kind enough to drop by the blog and leave a copy of the cover letter she wrote for a Toaster Reviewer job she is hoping to get.  Let’s take a look at it, shall we?

Position Applied for:  Toaster Reviewer 

Dear Hiring Manager:

Your posting on LinkedIn for a Professional Toaster Reviewer recently caught my eyes, perked up my ears and blew my nose (jk).   I think you will find that I am an exceptional candidate for the position of Toaster Reviewer.

While I have been temporarily out of work for the last three years (don’t ask), I have still managed to stay on top of my game in the field of toaster reviewing.

You see, I currently own and operate a Hamilton Beach SmartToast Extra-Wide Slot 2 Slice Toaster with Tongs, upon which I keep my Toaster  Reviewing skills as sharp as a butter knife by making toast each morning and recording all my thoughts and feelings about my toasting adventures in my journal entitled,  “Scraping to Desired Lightness” (which is currently making the rounds at various publishing houses on the island of Guam, btw).

As an accomplished Toaster Reviewer, many of my reviews can be found on many high-level consumer review toaster websites such as:

Google Toast (www.googletoast.com)

So You’re Going to Have a Piece of Toast (www.soyou’regoingtohaveapieceoftoast.com)

Unplug the Smoke Detectors Kids!, Mommy’s Makin’ Toast! (www.goop.com).

But my accomplishments do not end there.  I also offer exceptional attention to detail and come to the position with my private list of some of the most powerful toaster-review adjectives in the Toaster-Reviewing industry today–which I have gleaned over the course of my career as an international Professional Toaster Reviewer Career Gal!

As a Professional Toaster Reviewer Career Gal, I have written these e-books, which are, unfortunately, only available on Amazon Guam, but still!

Toaster Book one

 

Toaster Gal Book two

Toaster book 3

My accomplishments and qualifications are further detailed in my hard copy resume which is on it’s way to you via the Guam postal service.  Please disregard the burned edges, frankly the Hamilton Beach SmartToast Extra-Wide Slot 2 Slice Toaster with Tongs, still has some bugs that need working out in my professional opinion as a Professional Toaster Reviewer Gal (see above).

In closing, I am as thrilled about being a part of your Professional Toaster Reviewer team as you must be at receiving this cover letter from me.  (That’s  a Haiku, btw!)

Please contact me at my earliest convenience, and I look forward to our mutual admiration.

Sincerely,

Everybody’s Favorite Toaster Reviewer Gal!

And there you have it, Dear Readers, and I don’t know about you but I think she’s got a pretty good chance. Especially if there’s an opening in Guam!

Until next time  . . . I love you

 

 

Slightly Creepy Seventies: Family Rooms

Welcome Dear Readers!  Gosh it’s been a long time since last we clapped eyes on the home decor horrors that only the Slightly Creepy Seventies can provide. That’s why I was delighted to run across this family room decorating book from 1977 and just in time for Halloween!

Now here’s a family room that practically screams fun!

 1977 Better Homes and Gardens Family Room Projects you can build

Whenever the family entered this Slightly Creepy Seventies family room, and once they had regained their balance, Mom and Dad got right down to the task of puffing Benson & Hedges cigarettes one after another in order to fill up their family-sized ashtray guaranteed to hold enough stubbed-out cigarettes to give the entire clan COPD in a single evening.  But not to worry, everybody was already hyperventilating from the decor anyway, so hey!  At least they were breathing! (Sort of . . .)

If this doesn’t make you want to hum the theme from Jaws, nothing will.

Seventies killer pillows

And why are there no people in this Slightly Creepy Seventies family room, you ask?

Ha ha!  Because they are all hiding in the “modular storage center that fits almost anywhere” or anyone.   And thank goodness for that!  How else would they be able to hide themselves from the giant killer macramé pillow that is obviously taking orders from the Slightly-Creepy Seventies Peacock Feather Vase Goddess?

I’ll bet the whole family is thanking their lucky stars right now that daddy scarfed down his cocaine-sprinkled oatmeal this morning or he would have never had the wherewithal to come up with the idea for this clever dual storage/hiding-from-murdering-pillow decorating idea.  But uh oh!  Look out Little Joshie!  You left he door open!

There’s organization and then there’s organization Slight-Creepy Seventies Style!

Family room with phone in front of tv

The genius that designed this Slightly Creepy Seventies entertainment center thought of everything right down to the board games that family members can play while Mom is yakking on the phone for hours blocking everybody’s view of their Slightly Creepy Seventies state of the art 12-inch Zenith television set — so much so that nobody in this poor, Slightly Creepy Seventies’ family ever found out whether or not Mary Tyler Moore did indeed make it after all. (They did get to see a cool explosion on Rockford Files though . . . well, not exactly — but the way Mom described it, it sounded cool!)

 And of course no Slightly Creepy Seventies family room is complete without a plant phone booth (if Mom will ever get off the phone and let the plants use it, that is).

a phone booth for plants slightly creepy seventies

What better way for a family to pass through the tedious decade of the Slightly Creepy Seventies at a snail’s pace than to actually pull up a chair and literally watch snails’ pace?  Answer?  No better way!

Well, that is if you don’t count Mom describing to everyone how exciting it was when Jim Rockford got in that high-speed car chase and ran over Mary Tyler Moore and made her hat fly up in the air.  At least, Mom’s pretty sure that’s what happened — but then again she was talking on the phone at the time —  and in the Slightly Creepy Seventies, multi-tasking hadn’t even been invented yet.

And there you have it, Dear Readers, a little Halloween Horror in the form of the Slightly Creepy Seventies, now go have a fun Halloween and try to forget the horror you saw here.

Until next time . . . I love you

 

 

 

 

Gregory’s Bible Stories: Hey Where’d You Come From?

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today Gregory learned about what happened after Cain killed his brother and God forced him to run away from home. Let’s listen in, shall we?

Gregory's Bible StoriesCain Takes a Wife or Hey! Where’d You Come From?

After God kicked Cain out of Eden territory, Cain wandered around until he came to the land of Nod, known for it’s quiet motels.

After that Cain got married.  It was a pretty small wedding ceremony as Cain’s parents didn’t go because they were still mad at him for killing Abel and thought it was super unfair that if anybody killed Cain seven people would have to be killed –especially since, at that point, there were only three people on earth. (This was way before God created the calculator.)

Anyway,  if the bible knows where Cain’s wife came from it isn’t telling, but nevertheless, Cain and his wife soon had a bouncing baby boy, and they named the poor little thing Enoch.

Right away Cain started remodeling his tent, adding on a nursery and whatnot until next thing you know, Cain had added on an entire city which he also named Enoch which sometimes got confusing for them.

Mrs. Cain:  Honey have you seen Enoch?

Cain:  Have I seen it?  I built it!

Mrs. Cain:  No I mean Enoch, the baby.

Cain:  We have a baby?

Mrs. Cain:  Cain!!!

Cain: Ha ha just kidding, honey.

Mrs. Cain:  Well don’t be so cavalier.  He’s a pretty important little baby because as it stands right now there’s your mom and dad and you and me and the baby representing the entire human race.

Cain:  And we’re not even sure about you.

Mrs. Cain: Cain!!

Cain:  Ha ha just kidding, honey.

After that, Cain and his wife settled into a very quiet life in the land of Nod.  One day, Enoch got married.  (Apparently God had whipped up another batch of women while the bible wasn’t looking.)

For the next several generations, all anybody ever did was have kids and see who could come up with the most difficult names to pronounce, the uglier the better. There was Mehujael and Methushael and Lamech, and there was also a guy named Jubal who named his daughter a name not even liked by God, Zillah.

Soon the place was buzzing with people living in tents, tending livestock, learning to play harps and flutes and making all kinds of tools out of bronze and iron.  It was so noisy no one could hear anybody else calling their name — which was one of God’s biggest blessings thus far.

Right about this time Adam and Eve decided to have a third child whom they named Seth. (Adam and Eve had much better taste in names.) Seth which loosely translated means:  one who has many horribly named aunts and uncles, lived to be 807 years old, and spent most of that time addressing Christmas card envelopes.

But of all Cain’s descendants, it was Methuselah who really took the cake, living to be 969 years old, and tragically dying of birthday cake overdose.

Methusela's timely demise

Methuselah’s sad ending

Well there you have it, Dear Readers, what Gregory learned today in Sunday School today. Please check back next week for more of Gregory’s bible stories.

Until next time . . . I love you

The Onomatopoeia Sisters’ Phone Call

Onomatopoeia Sisters' Phone Call

 

Until next time, I love you

Current Events Coloring Pages

Welcome, Dear Readers. I think you will all agree that this world doesn’t need more news.  What this world needs is more news coloring pages.  This blog has taken actual news stories from around the world and turned them into coloring pages for your coloring convenience.

Chimps Make a Sponge Tool

While it is already well established that chimps use tools for a variety of reasons, Dr. Catherine Hobaiter and her research team filmed chimps teaching each other how to use a new tool, a type of ‘sponge’ made from crumpled leaves that chimps were teaching each other to dip into a pond to help them drink.

“Basically, if you saw it done, you learned how to do it, and if you didn’t, you didn’t,” Dr. Hobaiter was actually quoted as saying.

The Chimps Teaching Each Other How to Get a Drink of Water Using New Type of “Sponge Tool” Coloring Page

chimps using tools

 

The Waffling Robot

Researchers at Bristol University set up an experiment in which a robot was programmed specifically  for the task of preventing other robots from falling down a hole.

When the research team ran the experiment, they found that the robot tasked with saving the robots only managed to do so half the time because the robot doing the rescuing dithered around too long trying to figure out which robot to help — resulting in both robots falling down the hole.

The Worryingly Indecisive Robot Coloring Page

Worryingly Indecisive Robot Coloring Page

The Heroic Rhododendron

Ryan Campbell had been enjoying a camping trip with his friends in Kentucky when an unfortunate incident almost cost him his life.  He had been sleeping peacefully in his hammock when during the early hours of the morning, he started sleepwalking and stepped off a 60-foot cliff a short distance from the campsite.

He was only saved by the  Rhododendron bush that broke his fall.

The Ryan Campbell Cheating Death Sleepwalking Over a 60′ Cliff and Landing in a Rhododendron Bush  Coloring Page

The Ryan Campbell Cheating Death Coloring Page

And there you have it, Dear Readers!  Happy Coloring!

Until next time . . . I love you

 

Thank You Pottery Barn for Life Itself!

Are you living your life like wind-tossed lint?  Bouncing hither and yon at nature’s whim –never knowing the difference between up nor down nor side nor ways?

Well, Pottery Barn has a solution for that, Dear Reader, and it’s called:

The Pottery Barn Daily System

That’s right!  Pottery Barn and their “Daily System” has finally found a way to make keeping track of your family’s events a full time job!

Now, the first thing you do – using PB’s Daily System — is polish off a bottle of beer and a bottle of wine and then rinse them out and place them on their designated spots on the shelf (as pictured). Once that task has been completed,  you’re  going to be  in the mood to write something rather odd and crazy on the blackboard just like Pottery Barn did.

You could either copy PB and write “Summer Night Alive and Bright” or come up with your own drunken phrase.

And since the blackboard is at the tippy top of the Daily System, you will need to climb up on the desk (which Pottery Barn designed just for this purpose) and carefully . . . watch it now! . . . write on the blackboard.

  Of course, while you are up there, you might as well grab a couple of pens and pencils . . .  oh and don’t forget the scissors, grab those too, while you’re at it. (You never know!)

But do be careful don’t– whoops!  Did you fall down?  PB anticipated that might happen.  Hopefully the desk broke your fall and you can still read the family activities that have been written on the white board — because you might have to make some changes to those activities.

For instance, you’re probably going to have to skip the 4th of July celebration altogether, who knows if you will have regained feeling in your arms and legs by then — of course, Dad could ice your back for you if wasn’t traveling all week.  (Isn’t that always the way!)

And you’re probably going to have to  find a way to break it to Curtis that you can’t drive him to sailing lessons due to your being paralyzed and all. (But watch out! Curtis isn’t going to like it!)

And the Palmer dinner thing . . . well, if all that involved was Palmer eating a bowl of Mac and Cheese while conversing with you about Curtis’s sailing abilities while you lay paralyzed on the desk –then there’s  no need to cancel that one! YAY!

Ah! That Pottery Barn!  Always working around the clock to make your pathetic life better! You gotta love ‘em!

Until next time . . . I love you

Gregory’s Bible Stories: Abel’s First-born Lamb Feed

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories on Monday instead of Sunday as Gregory didn’t get around to telling about what he learned in Sunday School until today.  Let’s listen in and see what he learned about Adam and Eve’s two boys, Cain and Abel.

Gregory's Bible StoriesAbel’s All You Can Eat First-Born Lamb Feed

After the “incident” with Adam and Eve, the Lord gave each of them hoes as lovely parting gifts and sent them to cultivate the soil just outside the Garden of Eden which they unofficially named Little Eden.  (Luckily, Adam and Eve had eaten enough of the fruit from the Tree of Knowledge to know how to farm,  but were still several bites shy of an Agricultural Sciences degree.)

Eve soon gave birth to two boys.  The first one she named Cain because she had always liked that name.  The second one she named Abel because she wasn’t able to think of any other name she liked.

Cain became a farmer and grew lots of boring broccoli, while Abel became a shepherd and herded lots of  mouth-watering sheep.

One day, Cain gathered up a big bowl of broccoli  and offered it to the Lord while Abel killed a first-born lamb, sautéed the best parts in clarified butter, and offered it to the Lord along with a glass of His favorite chardonnay.

The Lord breezed by Cain’s alter and sat down at Abel’s table.   Just as Abel was tying the Lord’s First-Born Lamb Feed bib onCain came over with his bowl of broccoli.

Cain:  Hi Lord.  I grew this bowl of broccoli for you.    I think it will make a nice accompaniment to Abel’s Seared Petite First-Born Lamb Chops with Rosemary Balsamic Reduction, don’t you?

The Lord:  Take it away. I am rejecting it.

Cain:  Ah come on.  Don’t be that way.  Couldn’t you take one teeny-weeny bite?

The Lord:  No, I reject you and your broccoli, Cain. But I will have me some more of your brother’s delightful mouthwatering first-born lamb!  Hey . . .what’s the matter, Cain, you look angry.  Why are you scowling?

Cain:  I’m just feeling a little killingish that’s all.

Abel:  You’re stupid Cain!

Cain:  Hey, Abel.  Can I see you out in the field for a minute?

Abel:  I guess.  You want to come too, Lord?

The Lord:  No you guys go ahead.  I’m just going to polish off  the rest of these First-Born Lamb Sliders.

When they were in the field, Cain took the stalk of broccoli he’d won first place for at the Little Eden County Fair, removed the pin from it and stabbed Abel repeatedly with the pointy end — killing him, if not instantly, eventually.

Cain killing abel

When Cain came back, the Lord was just finishing the last of the first-born lamb Jello and was once again congratulating Himself on having had the wherewithal to have always made room for it when he was creating everything.

The Lord:  This Jello set up perfectly, Abel!

Cain:  I’m not Abel, I’m Cain.

The Lord:  Where’s Abel?

Cain:  I do not know.   Am I my brother’s keeper?

The Lord:  That’s rhetorical, isn’t it?   Wait a minute . . . Listen:  I hear your brother’s blood crying out from the soil.

Cain:  Are you sure?  Maybe that’s just your stomach growling again.

The Lord:  No, by Golly, that was blood crying out from the soil, alright.  There’s a fine line, but I know the difference.

Cain:  Gulp.

The Lord:  Okay, Buster, no more tilling the soil for you.  From now on, consider yourself a restless wanderer.

Cain:  You mean the kind of restless wanderer that anyone may kill on sight?

The Lord:  Not so!  If anyone kills Cain, Cain shall be avenged seven-fold!

Cain:  Why are you suddenly talking in third person?

The Lord:  I get so bored with omniscient.

Cain:  But why will they be avenged seven-fold?

The Lord:  Seven is my lucky fold.

Cain:  I knew that.

The Lord:  No you didn’t.

Cain:  More first-born lamb shank, Lord?

The Lord:  Thank you.  Don’t mind if I do.

And there you have it, Dear Readers, what Gregory learned in Sunday School, please check back next Sunday to see what will happen next to Adam and Eve and the gang.

Until next time . . . I love you

First Born Lamb Feed

Entertaining Attila

Melissa Miranda Malinda MacNella

Went to the store to find her a fella

Came home with a guy whose name was Attila

(Someone had beat her to Nelson Mandela)

 

At first he was fun (he was such a dear Hun)

Til he started reciting the battles he’d won

And the heads he beheaded (it was over a ton)

And the peasants he’d spared (of which there were none)

 

What’s Melissa to do with a guy such as he?

An infamous killer from 453

Well the answer it came to her clear as can be

She gave him some popcorn and turned on TV

Atilla the Hun

Oh the violence he saw there was creepy and chilling

He couldn’t believe all the torture and killing

Rivers of blood by the buckets was spilling

 Attila found watching cartoons quite fulfilling

 

Horribly Art: Attila the Hun 

 

Gregory’s Bible Stories: The Forbidden Fruit Fiasco Fallout

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today in Sunday school Gregory learned about what happened when God found out about the forbidden fruit fiasco.

Gregory's Bible StoriesThe Forbidden Fruit Fiasco Fallout

After Adam and Eve ate the forbidden fruit, they heard the Lord God walking in the garden.  (You could always hear the Lord God coming a mile away as He loved slapping His flip-flops.)

Adam and Eve weren’t wearing clothes because the fig-leaf outfits they sewed to cover themselves in Genesis 3:7  were way too scratchy. They tried selling them at a yard sale, but nobody came by except for the snake. He didn’t buy anything though as they didn’t have any tube tops.

When Adam and Eve heard God calling to them, they hid behind some trees. Then they looked around and saw a bear sleeping behind them.  They hoped God wouldn’t look over as the last thing Adam and Eve wanted was for God to see them with a bear behind.

Biblical Scholars believe their conversation with God might have — but probably didn’t — go something like this:

God:  Where are you, Adam?

Adam:  I’m hiding behind this tree because I’m naked.

God:  Why?

Adam:  Uh . . . the dry cleaners lost my Bermuda shorts?

God: No, I mean  why do you know you’re naked?

Adam:  Uh . . . is this a trick question?

Eve:  Let me handle this, Adam.  Hi God.  Remember me?  I’m that rib you–oh gosh! Those flip-flops look really great on you, by the way.

God:  You really think so?  I love the sound they make when I walk.

Eve:  I noticed. Listen, Lord, remember that tree you put smack dab in the middle of the garden that has forbidden cupcake fruit growing on it that you told us never to eat not even for dessert?

God:  Yes?

Eve:  Well the Snake tricked us into eating it.

God:  How?

Eve:  He said the fruit would make us wise-; plus it had cream filling. And you know how Adam can’t resist cream filling!

God:  What?  That’s the oldest trick in the book!

Eve:  Uh . . yeah . . .  we know that now.

God: Where’s the Snake?

Snake:  You rang?

God:  Okay, Snake, I’m gong to punish you.  From now on you will have to crawl on your belly and eat dust.

Snake:  Wait a minute, I’m already doing that.  You mean all this time I could have been walking around eating forbidden cream-filled cupcake fruit instead of crawling on my belly in this stupid tube top?

God:  And, Eve, I’m punishing you too. When you have a baby it’s going to hurt like gangbusters.

Eve:  What’s a baby?

God:  And you, Adam, you listened to your wife and ate the forbidden cupcake fruit  from tree of knowledge.  What were you thinking?

Adam: I was thinking . . .  mm . . . cupcakes.

God:  Sorry, Adam, but I’m going to have to kick you out of the Garden of Eden. I give you one rule and you break it.

Adam:  Ah, come on God.  How about two out of three?

God:   No Adam.  Now get out and take that bear behind with you!

Adam and Eve exiting the garden of Eden

And that’s what Gregory learned in Sunday School today, Dear Readers.  Please stop by next week at this same time to see what happens when Adam and Eve move to the country.

Until next time . . . I love you

Adam and Eve with a bear behind

Gregory’s Bible Stories: Adam Finds Love on Rib.com

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today in Sunday school Gregory learned about what happened when Eve moved into the Garden of Eden with Adam.

Gregory's Bible StoriesAdam Finds Love on Rib.com

When God was done forming woman out of Adam’s rib, he showed her to Adam and Adam said, “At last, here is one of my own kind.”  And he was secretly relieved she looked nothing like a platypus.

Adam’s New Wife

The first thing Eve did was give Adam her very best come hither look.  After Adam hithered, she gave Adam a long list of things that needed to be done around the garden and then gave him her best go hither look and Adam went.

Adam's Awkward First Date

Enter the Snake

Then Eve decided to go for a jog to burn off some of the cheesecake fruit she had just eaten, when she came across a snake who had just consumed a bull.  In those days snakes were always full of bull.

Then the snake started talking and asked Eve if the rumor was true that God had told Adam and Eve not to eat any fruit in the garden.  At this point, Eve didn’t see a “talking snake” as a red flag.  She was a trusting sort — as people who used to be ribs often are.

Eve carefully explained to the snake that God said they could eat any fruit except for the fruit of the tree in the middle of the garden.  The snake looked at Eve and knitted his eyebrows together questioningly.   (In those days snakes not only had eyebrows; they could also knit.)

“That’s not true, you will not die,” said the snake.  “God said that because He knows that when you eat that particular fruit you will be like God and know what is good and what is bad.”

“Well, you certainly seem to know a lot about trees, Snake,” Eve said. “Say, you wouldn’t happen to know if there’s any chocolate cupcake trees around here anywhere would you?”

“As a matter of fact, yes.” The snake answered. “That’s the one in the middle of the garden.”

“Seriously?”

“Absotively!  But God said you can’t eat from it so I guess it’s a mute point,”  the snake threw out there to see if it would stick.

Then, having successfully tempted Eve, the snake slithered away like he was all that and a bag of potatoes. (This was way before potato chips.)

Eve ran over to the chocolate cupcake tree and saw how beautiful it was growing there in the middle of the garden, it’s chocolate frosting glistening in the sunlight.  So she took some of the fruit and ate it and gave some to her husband and he also ate it.

Adam and Eve and the Cupcake Tree

Adam and Eve’s Sudden Understanding

Then Adam and Eve suddenly understood five things:  1) they suddenly understood they were naked 2) they suddenly understood they were going to have to sew some fig leaves together to make some clothes 3) they suddenly understood how to use the sewing machine 4) they suddenly understood chocolate cupcake fruit would go much better with a nice ice-cold glass of milk 5) they suddenly understood it was a big mistake to have eaten the cow.

Well that’s all the time Gregory had to tell us about his lesson in Sunday school today, Dear Readers, but check back next week to find out what happens when God sees chocolate cupcake crumbs on Adam and Eve’s faces.

Until next time . . . I love you