Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of the Bible according to Gregory.
Let’s listen in and see what Gregory learned in Sunday School this morning shall we?
The Beheading of John The Baptist
Once upon a holy time, there was a spoiled little girl named Salome. Her uncle, Herod, was an Account Executive for the Roman Empire which in those days was called a king.
Well, it seems King Herod had a little spat with everybody’s favorite Baptist, John The — which resulted in John The, being thrown into jail. It was really just a difference of opinion in that John The Baptist didn’t think King Herod should divorce his wife, Phasaelis, (pronounced Phyllis) to marry his brother’s wife Herodias. (pronounced Midge).
King Herod had a tendency to hold a grudge. So after he married Midge, King Herod threw himself a big birthday shindig –and everybody’s favorite Baptist, John The — was definitely not invited.
Now this was a birthday party of biblical proportions (toga themed), so it wasn’t very long before the birthday boy, King Herod, was having a little too good of a time and started doing Pomegranate wine shots with barley beer chasers.
Well, one thing led to another and the next thing you know, King Herod had managed to talk Salome, his niece-step-daughter, into performing the Macarena –which creeped her out considerably but she did it anyway.
Apparently Salome could really bust a move, and King Herod was so impressed that — in his inebriated state — he told Salome he would give her anyshing she dishired. . . hic.
Hearing this, Salome shimmied her way across the dance floor and asked her mom, Midge, what she should ask for.
Salome: What should I ask Uncle Daddy for, Mommy? A pony?
Midge: Possibly honey, but wouldn’t you much rather have the head of John the Baptist on a really cute platter?
Salome: Good idea Mom! (In truth, Salome would have rather had a pony, but she was always trying to win her mother’s approval.)
So Salome shimmied her way back across the dance floor.
Salome: I’ll take the head of John the Baptist on a platter.
King Herod: Say whash? Holy camel feathers . . .hic . . . I didn’t shee that one coming!
After that, King Herod sent one of his soldiers to cut off the head of John The Baptist and then collapsed on the floor in a heap of drunken king.
The next morning the solider awoke King Herod from his drunken stupor.
Soldier: Here’s the head of John the Baptist as per your request, Your Majesty.
King Herod: Who? What? Oooh . . . my . . . head is killing me . . . OY!
Soldier: You think you’re head’s killing you, what about our friend John here!
With that, soldier held out the platter upon which the head of John the Baptist had been neatly arranged surrounded by sprigs of parsley, and a good laugh was had by all.
And there you have it Dear Reader! This week’s installment of The Bible According to Gregory!
Until next time . . . I love you
Photo Credit: Salome With the Head of John the Baptist, by Caravaggio, National Gallery, London. Circa 1607 via Wikipedia; Captions by My Brain Peanuts
