Linda’s 33 Easy Steps to Writing a Killer Blog Post

Linda’s 33 Easy Steps to Writing a Killer Blog Post

1.    Pour one cup coffee

2.    Sit down to computer.

3.    Sip coffee.

4.    Spit coffee back into cup; return to kitchen

5.    Discover coffee maker broken.

6.    Locate someone to blame, if possible.

7.    Return to computer

8.    Stare at tree out window

9.    If no tree out window, take trip to nearest garden supply store

10.   Purchase sapling, return home, plant sapling outside window.

11.    Resume staring out window into space tree will occupy in three to five years

12.    Return to kitchen for danish

13.    If no danish available, graham cracker may be substituted.

14.    If no graham cracker available, soda crackers or  Ritz cracker can be voted upon.

15.    If no voters are present, a blindfold may be used to cover eyes

16.    Cover eyes; pick box.

17.    Remove blindfold

18.    Discover you picked soda crackers

19.    Realize you wanted Ritz Crackers

20.    Put blindfold back on.

21.    Pick one

22.    Repeat until box of Ritz Crackers is chosen

23.    Return to desk

24.    Eat entire box of Ritz Crackers

25.    Locate can of air to blow Ritz Cracker crumbs off  keyboard and face

26.    Spin clockwise in desk chair

27.    Spin counter-clockwise in desk chair

28.    Take trip to nearest drug store

29.    Purchase Pepto Bismal

30.    Return home; take Pepto Bismal

31.    Lie down on couch

32.    Fall asleep; wake up; return to computer

33.    Reblog post from yesterday

And there you have it Dear Readers, Linda’s 33 easy steps to writing a killer blog post! 

Until next time . . . I love you

Trifecta 33-Word Writing Challenge: Why I Write

Hello Dear Readers!  Time for The Trifecta 33-Word Writing Challenge in which we were prompted to write 33 words about why we write.

Why I Write

Oh there once was a woman of sixty

Neither born nor raised in Poughkeepsi

But she must write a book

Before death pulls its hook

Or at least before she breaks a hipsi

“Oopsy! I think I just broke my hipsi!”

* * *

Until next time . . . I love you

The 33-Word Trifecta Writing Challenge: Bribing the Muse

The Rule of Three is a writing principle that asserts that, in writing, groups of three have the most impact. This week’s Trifecta challenge is to write 33 words using the Rule of Three somewhere among them.  It is up to you to interpret the rule, just make sure to use exactly 33 words.

Bribing the Muse

Hello muse? Can you come over?

I’m busy.

I’ll feed you.

What?

Candy?

No.

Tuna?

Ugh.  Besides, I’m at Brain Tomahawk’s blog eating lunch.

Wanna come for dessert then?

What is it?

Ambrosia.

Okay.

“How’s that salad, Muse?  What’s that?  You’re not going to stay for dessert?  Why?”

 * * *

Until next time . . . I love you

The Overly Creative Writer Lady Edits Some Guidelines

Hello Dear Readers!  Holy Cow do we have a treat in store for us today!  The Overly Creative Writer Lady has agreed to edit some guidelines for us!

The Overly Creative Writer Lady

The Overly Creative Writer Lady would like us to take out our Drip Irrigation Guidelines and turn to the first page!

Page 1 of our Drip Irrigation System Guidelines

The Original Copy Says:

“These drip emitters for shrub and trees provide full or partial pressure compensation.”

Dear Readers, this pathetic writing example is enough to make the Overly Creative Writer Lady laugh — if only she knew how!

Let’s watch as the Overly Creative Writer Lady works her magic on this pedestrian piece of writing while at the same time keeping the meaning intact:

These blue-as-the-sky-on-a-cloudless-January-afternoon drip emitters for shrub and trees — trees like those on yonder hill (that, from this distance, sometimes appear blue in the beauty of the evening light unless one is colorblind in which case they would probably just appear darkish gray in the beauty of the evening light) provide full –as full even as the botoxed lips of an aging ingenue or perhaps as full as a bath that one has started to  draw and then received a call from Ed McMahon with news that one had just won the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes if indeed Ed MacMahon were still alive and if indeed one had just won the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes which was the reason for the call in the first place or partial  pressure compensation.

Holy Cow Overly Creative Writer Lady!  We are not worthy!  This is astonishing!  Apparently this task was way too easy for the Overly Creative Writer Lady. 

Perhaps we should have her show us how she would change the next sentence in our Drip Irrigation Guidelines which is:

Emitters with flow rates of 1/4th gps are available for containers or slopes where water may run off.

Dear Readers!  I can hear the Overly Creative Writer Lady sharpening her pencil as I type this.  Oh we are in for a real treat!  OMG!  She’s writing it out in longhand!  What an opportunity to peek inside the mind of the Overly Creative Writer Lady!

Well as you can see, Dear Readers, not only has Overly Creative Writer Lady managed to breath new life into the topic of Emitters Flow Rates, but she has also manged to somehow weave a tale the likes of which rival Shakespeare,  himself!  (And I don’t know about you but I thought the pig in a penguin suit parable was absolutely inspired!)

How DOES she do it?

We only hope the Overly Creative Writer Lady will come back and visit us real soon!

Uh . . . I think that says until next time she bids us all adieu . . . .

Until next time . . . I love you

Trifecta Weekly Writing Challenge: The Plastic World of Benjamin Feldermyer

This weeks Trifecta Writing Challenge is to write a story between 33 and words using the third definition of the world decay: to fall into ruin.

The Plastic World of Benjamin Feldermyer 

Benjamin Feldermeyer had lived with the ever-present sound of crumpling plastic all his life and was startled awake when the crumpling suddenly stopped.

His ears didn’t understand what was happening at first.  This silence was a new noise. Benjamin thought it odd and somewhat terrifying but the longer it lasted the more pleasant it started to become.

He lay awake in his bed of shredded Alhambras and tried to remember when he had heard this odd quiet before.  He remembered an ear ache when he was six, and he had heard only muffles. Yes that was it!  Shortly before his parents tried to move from Recy 5 to Montana where they heard the worst of the Big Decay was over!

They had trudged all day through the great plastic heaps of Recy 5, and Father said they were just about to a place where they would be able to glimpse the great open space.  But they never made it that far.  The Bot Controllers had discovered them and made them turn back.

Benjamin was disappointed but didn’t take it as hard as his parents had.  That was the last day he had ever heard his father’s laugh. Benjamin closed his eyes tight willing himself to forget.

Snoppy Smith stuck her ratty head into Benjamin’s pligloo and asked her usual question.  “You goin’ for bunsbuns today BenBen?”

Benjamin winced.  He always hated Snoppy’s voice but in this new silence he hated it even more.  Even though outside the new silence was beginning to unravel with the uneasy voices of the people of Recy 5.

Snoppy Smith didn’t mention the silence, and Benjamin hated her even more for that.  “Snoppy, don’t you hear that?” Ben asked not even trying to conceal his contempt for Snoppy’s insensitive nature.

Snoppy lowered her voice and said cheerfully to Benjamin.  “Isn’t it a wonderful day?  There are Bot Controllers everywhere!  Everybody says the bun lines will be shutting down early today!  Isn’t that funny Benjamin?  Hurry BenBen!  Hurry!”

 

Until next time . . . I love you

Trifecta Weekly Writing Challenge: The Transformation of Smidley Pench

This week’s Trifecta Writing Challenge is to write a story between 33 and 333 words using the third definition of the word wild : a (1): not subject to restraint or regulation : uncontrolled; also : unruly  (2) : emotionally overcome <wild with grief>; also : passionately eager or enthusiastic

The Transformation of Smidley Pench

Smidley Pench was so unassuming his mother barely remembered having him. But within the confines of Smidley Pench’s cranium, it was the Fourth of July – owing to the fact that Smidley Pench was absolutely wild about the Slimp sisters.

“I’m leaving for work now, Mother Dear.”  Smidley Pench would say to his mother every morning.

“Who’s that?  Is someone here?”  His mother would always reply.

Smidley worked at the five and dime selling tiny turtles and goldfish from 9 to 5 and mooning over Loretta and Lolita Slimp who, thank the good lord above, worked in close proximity to Smedley Pench in the candy and popcorn department.

Every morning before opening, Smidley would say hello to the Slimp sisters and every morning before opening either Loretta or Lolita would reply by asking, “Do you work here little man?”

Smidley tried everything to get the attention of the Slimp sisters.  Sometimes he would put several tiny turtles in the isle and pretend as though they had escaped and valiantly run after them.

Sometimes he would take his goldfish net and make a big show of scooping seven  . . . sometimes even eight goldfish up at a time.  But the Slimp sisters paid no attention.

It wasn’t until the day that Smidley’s boss came over and told Smidley in a loud voice that  Smedley was doing a fine job and that he was going to give him a big fat raise that Loretta and Lolita took notice.

The next day was first day of the rest of Smidley Pench’s life.  Loretta and Lolita took turns feeling Smidley’s muscles as he scooped up goldfish and squealed with delight as he rescued tiny turtles seconds before being crushed under the wheels of shopping carts.

Casual observers would have never guessed that within the cranium of this expressionless little man  the Fourth of July, Christmas day and New Year’s Eve were happening.

And best of all, when he had left for work that morning his mother had even told him goodbye!

Yup, Smidley’s got a new attitude!

Weekly Trifecta Writing Challenge: Harman Splinky’s Second Novel

This week’s Trifecta Challenge was to write a story between 33 and 333 words using the third definition of  thunder:  bang rumble <thunder of big guns>

Harman Splinky’s Second Novel

“The stars twinkled in the night sky like stars that twinkled whenever it got dark out at night.” Harman Splinky carefully and painstakingly pressed these words onto the paper from the lead of his number 2 pencil — erasing the word night three times; changing it from night to evening and back to night again.

Harmon was finding it hard to concentrate with the thunder of that infernal cannon going off every five minutes.  Still, he was determined to get this novel published and, if not . . . well, Harman Splinky didn’t like thinking about if nots.

The taste of bitterness from the sweeping rejection of his last novel, The Starry Stars that Twinkled Nightly  – lingered in his mouth like week-old oysters marinated in Listerine that  really should have just been flushed down the toilet.

He had already gone through seven Number 2 pencils and two Number 7 pencils in the last hour and a half and still wasn’t pleased with his results.

But ever cognizant of the fact that he was a mortal being and, as such, would be dying some day; Harman finally settled on the first sentence of his new novel: “When it got dark enough for the stars to twinkle, they were quite twinkly.”

He was especially fond of his decision to use “quite” instead of “very”.   It was a little trick of the craft of writing he had invented—a little trick he felt set himself apart from the mediocrity of his fellow scribblers.

Harmon clutched the  box of Number 2 pencils and the  box of Number 7 pencils to his heart and stared out the window into the twinkling stars.

He watched as men of all shapes and sizes flew by.  He looked at his watch.  In only 20 minutes the Human Cannon Ball Training Center would be closing for the night.

Maybe he could get some real writing done.

“twinkly twinkling twinkly stars that  twinkle very quite star-like  in the night evening dark night . . . yeah that’s good!”

This Weekend’s Trifecta Writing Challenge

This Weekend’s Trifecta Writing Challenge  is to finish these 33 words with 33 words of your own:

“There’s nothing cute about it,” he said. The register of his voice indicated decision more so than discussion.
She disagreed heartily and privately, staring past his head and out the window behind him.

The elephant caravan was just cresting the hill.  “We can still make it if we hurry!” Barbara pleaded.

“I told you!  I go nowhere without my nose, Barbara!” Bozo shouted angrily.  “Nowhere!”