I was just wandering around in reality as I used to know it, hanging out at my favorite thrift store and going about my life as though the laws of physics still applied, when suddenly I came across this little know pamphlet depicting in great detail, the forbidden knowledge of the strange and eerie Unexplained Jello Phenomenon.
Oh sure, on the surface this little cookbook looks perfectly harmless:
And I’m sure innocent 1950’s moms bought it because they wanted to whip up a big ol’ batch of innocent Jello for their big ol’ innocent 1950’s families.
But lurking inside these mild-mannered pages are mysteries so unexplainable, so counterintuitive, so very very hard to explain that it just isn’t explainable no matter how many thesaurus’ a person owns (btw, I only own one thesaurus — as you may have guessed already).
Anyway, getting back to the strange and eerie Unexplained Jello Phonomenon. Let’s start with Exhibit A, shall we?
Please! It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see that this is actually a bona-fide real-life UFO that is obviously utilizing the thrust from an ion antimatter, strawberry propulsion system so that it can zip around planet earth causing havoc all OVER the place . . . hello!
And if that isn’t enough to convince you that the laws of physics as we know them are totally bogus, may I present, as further evidence, Exhibit B:
I hate to be the one to have to break it to you, but this seemingly ordinary Jello Upside Down Cake, isn’t fooling anybody (except for maybe you, sorry).
For this, Dear Reader, is actually a crop circle. A crop circle depicting the most beautiful and profound mathematical equation in the history of arithmetic, or failing that, in the history of Upside Down Cake.
As a matter of fact, this crop circle calculates the exact date the world will end while, at the same time, managing to make your mouth water. And if that’s not proof of cool, other-worldly intervention, I don’t know what is.
And now for the final proof. May I present: Exhibit C. An exhibit, I might add, that puts the ex in hibit like nobody’s business. See for yourself:
This strange and eerie Unexplained Jello Phenomenon is so blatantly obvious, so glaringly conspicuous, so flagrantly in your face, that I absolutely refuse to insult your intelligence by explaining it.
Besides I only own one thesaurus.
Until next time . . . I love you