My Brain, Peanuts, Red Alert!!!
Warning! Warning! Warning!
Errrrr! Errrrr! Errrrr!
Dear Readers, This is a 7-Points Bulletin!
If you are traveling in state of California on freeway 101 today, anywhere between San Francisco and Los Angeles going north or south, east or west BEWARE!
Traffic may be unusually slow, possibly backed up for hours due to a Little Old Lady Granny Driver operating under the often misguided direction of her brain, Peanuts, who is going on a road trip to visit her daughter, Jackie’s family and her new grandson, Henry!
Be on the look out for and steer clear of the following:
Any woman who looks old enough to receive AARP and pre-paid cremation opportunities in her junk mail — and who is traveling south (God willing, but possibly north if her brain, Peanuts, freaks and takes the wrong exit) in a little blue car with a bumper sticker that says: What Happens at Grandmas, Stays at Grandmas.
Should you be unlucky enough to come up behind Granny, tailgate at your own risk — as she will turn on her windshield cleaner spray (she’s not as nice as she looks) and pretend for all the world like she is simply getting the bugs off her windshield, but in reality is passively aggressively getting your windshield wet on purpose in an attempt to punish you for not driving as safely as she thinks you should.
Should she suddenly slam on her brakes in the middle of the freeway, do not be alarmed, there is nothing wrong with granny’s car, it will simply mean she was listening to a CD of Herb Albert and the Tijuana brass and her brain, Peanuts, mistook one of trumpet solos for the horn of an alarmed motorist.
Granny will no doubt be traveling in the slow lane, wedged between two trucks — either because she is too afraid to change lanes or because she is pretending she is in a convoy again. Probably both.
If you should see this woman driving around the mean streets of some drug n’ thug neighborhood in any town between San Francisco and Los Angeles, it will not mean that Granny is trying to “score” some illegal substances. It will simply mean that, once again, her brain, Peanuts, picked the worst possible exit to try to find a restroom.
Four or five hours into the trip you may see granny pulled over to the side of the road being issued a speeding ticket. This will mean her brain, Peanuts, finally became so desensitized and bored with driving on the freeway that her brain, Peanuts, only noticed the number 88 on her speedometer when she saw the flashing red light tailgating her.
Let’s just hope and pray her brain, Peanuts, had enough sense not to turn on the windshield cleaner spray!
Until next time . . . I love you