“Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of The Bible According to Gregory.
Every week, Gregory goes to Sunday school. Every week his imagination runs wild during the lessons, and every week he comes home with his own version of the story.
Let’s listen in and see what the lesson was about this week, shall we?
The Day After Noah’s Birthday Party, Part 1
The day after Noah’s 600th birthday party, God came to talk to Noah while Noah was cleaning up.
God: What are you doing Noah? Where’d all this wax come from?
Noah: Well you know, I turned 600 yesterday. The older you get, the harder it is to blow out all your candles before they melt.
God: Tell me about it! That’s the exact reason I quit having birthday parties.
Noah: Really? Are you serious or are you kidding? I can never tell.
God: Noah, you know I have no sense of humor. Have you ever heard me laughing or heard of me laughing or even smiling?
Noah: So you really do put candles on your birthday cake and invite all your friends over to celebrate with you?
God: I would but you’re my only friend, Noah.
Noah: Oh come on. You’re pulling my leg. You must have lots of friends.
God: No. I hate everybody I created on this stupid planet.
Noah: God have you been sampling the pomegranate wine again?
God: In fact, I just came by to tell you that 1) I really like your new haircut and 2) I’m going to wipe out these people I have created and also the animals and the birds, because I am sorry that I made any of them. Except for you , Noah.
Noah: Aha! Always with the joking! You had me going there for a minute, God. Ha! What do you mean you have no sense of humor! You’re funny!
God: What do you mean funny? Funny how? You mean like I’m a clown? Like I’m here to amuse you? What do you mean funny? Funny how?
Noah: God, no . . . I mean . . . I was just . . . .
God: Never mind, listen. I was up all night working on a master plan to wipe out mankind. First, I’m going to make it so that people only live to 120 from now on.
Noah: Oh perfect! That will pretty much solve the birthday candle problem. Good thinking! And then you won’t have to wipe everybody out , is that what you mean?
God: Well no. Then I thought I’d also send a flood on the earth to destroy every living being. Except for you, Noah, because you’re my friend. What do you think of my plan?
God: Sure! Now see, it’s this kind thoughtfulness that makes me not want to wipe you out along with every living thing on earth . . . mm. . . .lemon filling! You remembered! Can I have two?
Noah: Of course! Oh and here’s those hankies I promised you with your initials.
God: “L.G .Y.” ?
Noah: For “Lord God Yahweh” since you never really told me your last name.
God: Ah! That is just so super sweet! Thank you!
Noah: Not a problem.
God: So anyway, getting back to my plan to wipe out every living thing on earth, I was thinking that maybe you could–
Noah: Care for a Pomegranate wine cooler?
God: Oh don’t mind if I do!
Noah: Cocktail napkin?
God: Thank you.
Noah: How about another cupcake too?
God: Sure! Now let’s see where was I?
Noah: Uh, you were talking about how you were going to lower the life expectancy 120. Here, have some more pomegranate wine cooler. Say when . . .
God: You know, Noah, you’re really awfully nice. Is it getting hot in here to you Noah?
Noah: Listen, I’m going to run next door and get more pomegranate wine cooler. Hang tight. I’ll be right back.
God: Okay. Oh, and Noah?
God: You gonna eat that last cupcake?
And there you have it, Dear Readers, this week’s edition of what Gregory surmised in Sunday School this morning. Please check back next week for Part 2 of The Day After Noah’s Birthday Party.
Until next time . . . I love you