Welcome, Dear Readers, to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories.
This week Gregory learned about how Abram took 318 fighting men to rescue his nephew, Lot, who had been captured by five kings. Gregory couldn’t help imagining how it all might have happened.
In last week’s lesson, we learned that Abram’s nephew and business partner, Lot, had opened up a branch office of “Just Goats!” in beautiful downtown Sodom.
The goat business was booming in Sodom. Goats were selling like hotcakes! (Thanks to Lots’ having finally perfected his recipe for goat-hotcake batter.)
One day, on his way to the bank to deposit two pieces of silver, four camels, three bags of grain, and get a roll of chickens so he could make change, Lot heard news that four kings with unpronounceable names from unpronounceable places had gone to war with five kings whose names were even more unpronounceable than the four kings with unpronounceable names and the places they were from were so unpronounceable, everybody just said ‘oh the hell with it’ and ordered more goat hotcakes.
Occasionally between bites someone would shout “Go Ashteroth Karnaim, the Zuzim from Ham!” or we’ve got your back “Emim in the plain of Kirithaiaim!” But mostly people just ignored the Ongoing Unpronounceable Name King Conflict preferring to eat goat hotcakes dripping in goat syrup with plenty of ox butter.
That is, until the day five Kings with unpronounceable names rang Lots’ tent bell.
Lot: Who is it?
Five Kings: It’s five kings with unpronounceable names. We just defeated the King of Sodom and now we are here to take you and all your possessions!
Lot: There’s a King of Sodom?
Five Kings: Yeah.
Lot: How did you defeat him?
Five Kings: It was easy. He ran away and fell in a tar pit.
Lot: You mean he died?
Five Kings: No but he’ll be scrubbing up for the rest of his life. Now get your stuff we’re taking you and all your possession with us.
Five Kings: What difference does it make, you wouldn’t be able to pronounce it anyway.
Lot: Good point.
When Abram heard that his nephew had been captured by five kings with unpronounceable names, he would have cursed them, but he had kind of a speech impediment to begin with, and he just didn’t have the time nor the inclination.
He did however call together all the 318 fighting men of his camp:
Abram: Fighting men! Come hither! Let’s see . . . one . . two . . . three . . . four . . . five . . . six . . . seven . . . eight . . . nine . . .
Random Fighting Man: Whatcha doin’ Abram?
Abram: Six . . . seven . . .wait no! Nine . . .
Another Random Fight man: Abram? What are you doing?
Abram: Seven . . . dammit! I’m counting, idiots!
Yet another Random Fighting Man: Can’t you sleep?
Abram and 318 give or take 12,000 (they just wouldn’t hold still) Fighting Men went to defeat the Kings that captured his nephew Lot.
Abram and his fighting men pursued the five kings all the way to Dan. (Who was asleep by the side of the road).
Then Abram divided his men into groups by estimating how many men would be in each group:
Random Fighting man: Excuse me, Abram?
Random Fight Man: Uh, I think you’ve divided us unevenly into fighting groups. Aren’t you going to count us?
Abram: Oh shut up and fight.
Not only did Abram and his 318 (but whose counting) fighting men defeat the five kings with unpronounceable names, they had chased them as far as Hobah, north of Damascus, when all 318 of them got a mighty hankering:
Random Fighting Man: Gosh I could sure go for some goat hotcakes right now.
Another Random Fight Man: Me two!
Yet Another Random Fighting Man: Me three!
Abram: I’m killing the next guy that counts.
Then Abram brought back his nephew, Lot, all of Lot’s possessions, including Lot’s goat-hotcake-batter recipe, all of Lot’s animals, and even all of Lots cooking utensils right down to the spatulas and the women.
Then everybody drowned their sorrows in plenty of goat hotcakes, smothered in goat syrup with plenty of ox butter and a good time was being had by all!
And there you have it, Dear Readers! What Gregory learned in Sunday School today. Be sure to check back next week to see what happens next!
Until next time . . . I love you
Based loosely on Genesis 14:1-16