A Message from The OMG Life Insurance Company

Dear Person Who Will Be Dying Sooner Rather Than Later,

Welp.  Looks like you’ll be dying soon.  But before you go, you might want to consider giving some money to us, The OMG Life Insurance Company.

Here at the OMG Life Insurance Company, we make it our personal business to pry into your personal business.  Why?  Because the facts are clear.  You ARE GOING TO DIE and when you do WE WANT TO MAKE SOME MONEY OFF IT.

YOUR ACCEPTANCE IS GUARANTEED!

That’s right. Absolutely everyone is accepted.  There are absolutely no medical questions to answer and no medical exams suffer through.   Why? Because here at OMG Life Insurance Company, we know for a fact that, sooner or later, come hell or high water,  you’re going to be deader than a door nail.

Here’s how it works: 

If you can fog a mirror, you qualify to send us monthly payments. Yes. It’s as simple as that.  You keep your promise to die and we’ll keep our promise to give back some of the money you gave us so that you’re loved ones can use it to figure out what to do with you once you’ve kicked the bucket.

Don’t Wait!  The Sooner you Apply, The Sooner You’ll Be Covered and The Sooner You Can Die.

Oh sure you might feel fine right now, but don’t let that stop you from enclosing your very first payment to us in the pre-paid postage envelope provided.  After all, if The OMG Life Insurance Company cares enough to spring for the postage the least  you could do is send us some money every month until you die.

The United OMG Life Insurance Company would love to take this opportunity to remind you that even though you feel just fine, you’re probably not as safe as you think you are and at any moment, you could die from any the following demises: 

The Demise of Sudden Spleen Seizure causing you to double over into a ball and roll out your second story bedroom window.

The Demise of a meteorite crashing through your roof causing you to become so startled you accidentally grab the hemlock creamer instead of the regular creamer for your coffee.

The Demise of Decorative-Bed-Throw-Pillow Suffocation where instead of sending us your premium, you use it to buy that last throw pillow that finally tipped the delicate air/bed pillow ratio needle to “uh oh!

The Demise of slipping on a banana peel causing you to fall and accidentally activate the homemade bomb you were carrying out to the dumpster

The Demise of avoiding getting run over by a drunken chimpanzee driving a stolen steam roller by diving in front of an oncoming bus

The Demise of Poinsettia consumption wherein you cannot! resist! eating! your! delicious! looking! Poinsettia! one! more! second!

The OMG Life Insurance Campany is imploring you to please fill out the form below and send it in the pre-paid postage envelope along with your first payment. Then oh so carefully walk it out to your mailbox.  (We recommend you sit on the couch and wear a helmet until your first payment clears.

OMG Life Insurance

If you have any questions log onto our website at pushin’updaisies.com where affordable coverage is just a few clicks away.

P.S.And remember! This is a no risk or obligation offer.  If you end up not dying, the OMG Life Insurance Company will give you a full, money back guarantee!

So what have you got to lose?  Apply today.

The Dammit Brothers Funeral Chapel Survey

Welcome Dear Readers.  I have a confession to make.  Everyday I’ve got about one productive hour in me, everything else is mulling. 

And because I’m so lazy, I’ve only got one item on my bucket list: death (the letter ‘d’ actually but I’ll remember).

Unfortunately, I’m at an age where if I died and somebody read about it in the newspaper instead remarking, “oh how sad,” they’d just say, “well she was getting up there.”

So I wasn’t surprised when this offer came in my mailbox from the Dammit Brothers Funeral Chapel for “My Final Wishes Organizer” . . . Absolutely free!

My Final Wishes Organizer
And all I have to do is answer the Dammit Brothers Funeral Chapel’s short, tiny, little two-page survey and then what? I get my Final Wishes Organizer, that’s what!

So here’s my answers to the Dammit Brothers Funeral Chapel Survey, which I’ve taken the liberty of tweaking just a little bit to make it more enjoyable in an attempt to make it up to myself for having such a sucky bucket list.

Dammit Brothers Funeral Chapel Survey

How much do you expect to pay for your funeral?  0-$2000, $2,000-$4,000, $4,000-$6,000, $6,000 – $8,000, $8,000-$10,000? Or over $10,000.

I’m not paying anything.  Why else would I be dying?

Is there an honorably discharged veteran in your household?  If not please explain.

Does unhonorably count?  Because sometimes I hear someone ripping cardboard and smell the odor of Mark-a-Lot drifting through the air in the middle of the night and every once in a while I come upon a shopping cart in the living room, but, you know what?  I’m still going to say no.

If so, was it within the last 12 months?  The last 12-24 months?  Or over 2 years ago?

I said no Dammit!  Brothers!

Does your family have life insurance that is allocated for funeral arrangements in the event of your death?

They haven’t said anything about it. I think it’s a surprise.

If you have given thought to this subject which burial would you choose for yourself  —  burial or cremation? 

I don’t know, I keep waffling.  Is waffling an option?

Would you be willing to pay $500 extra to have the Brooklyn Bridge renamed after you once you’re, you know  . . . ?

You mean once I’m dead?

Yeah that.

I guess.

Are you sure there’s not a discharged Veteran in your household? Did you look under the bed?

Dammit Dammit Brothers!  NO!

Are your loved ones and family members aware of what you desire for your own arrangements?

Of course.  They know I love Burger King and felt what else do they need to know?

How important to you, personally, is the location of the funeral home?

It’s important to me personally that it be located right next to a Burger King or a store that sells felt.

Are you absolutely certain you don’t have a veteran in your household?

You know what?  I’m getting pretty tired of your stupid survey, Dammit Brothers.

Okay,  but we hope you know that by getting tired of our stupid survey you’re forfeiting your “My Final Wishes Organizer” . . . Absolutely Free! 

But will I still get the Brooklyn Bridge named after me?

Only if you send The Dammit Brothers Funeral Chapel a cashiers check for $500 made out to the Dammit Brothers.

Okay.

Do you promise? Cross your heart? Hope to die? Stick a needle in your eye?

That depends.  How much are the needles?

$7.50 a piece.

How about two for a dollar.

Mmmm . . . Okay sure.

Will you throw in a “My Final Wishes Organizer” too?

We’ll have to go talk to our supervisor.  Wait here . . . 

Well, Dear Readers, it looks like negotiations are going to be going on for a while  so you might as well sneak out for lunch.  Hey if you happen to be going by a Burger King . . . well no never mind, I’ve got a bag of peanuts in my felt purse.  Wish me luck!

Until next time . . . I love you

 

 

 

AARP: Making Getting Old and Dying FUN!

Welcome Dear Readers.  Good News!  We’re going to get old!  We’re going to die! And it’s going to be so much frigging  FUN!

And all because of AARP.  Everybody’s “Getting Old and Dying” BFF!

 In fact!  I think we should click on The Stars and Stripes Forever before we continue and take a moment  to celebrate this inevitability, not only in our hearts, but also,  in our ears as well  because, after all,  the word “hear” is just the word “heart” without the “t’.

Are you ready for the “Getting Old and Dying” AARP  good news?

Before we continue, I have to issue a word of caution:  Those of you who AARP has pegged as  “getting old and dying” need to be warned that AARP is pretty sure  this news is going to blow your orthopedic socks off your crippled, bunion-covered feet!

 The Drumroll Please!

Anybody have a kleenex?
That’s right, Dear Readers, I’ve been approved for AARP  Life Insurance! That means they are giving me permission to die any time now and/or at my earliest convenience!  Talk about a cause for whoopin’ it up!!

I don’t know how the Vernon Family will celebrate getting money from my AARP Whole Life Insurance once I’m dead, but I kind of hope it’s with a Hootenanny or at the very least a HootenGranny.  (Sorry for the bad joke, I’m old, I’m going to die and my bunions are killing me!)

But wait!  There’s more!   Included in this AARP Life Insurance offer is this inexplicable AARP Medicare Supplement Plan Brochure:

Linda Vernon Humor AARP Send up
Huh?

I don’t know what to make of this, Dear Readers.   Why do these two people represent a team?  And why are they playing softball with a grapefruit?

Oh!  Perhaps  AARP is just messing with my pre-posthumous synapses yet again? (Oh that AARP, always with the jokes! Hahaha!)

Oh wait . . . maybe the two people represent an Ebony and Ivory thing!  That would be apropos, I suppose, because, I don’t know about you, Dear Readers, but the song Ebony and Ivory, does make me want to die.

Now don’t worry  if you are having trouble wrapping your posthumous-synapsed brain around any of the AARP’s “Growing Old and Dying” money-making offers.  They’ve anticipated your confusion and have provided a solution:

AARP Offers help to potential customers

Now doesn’t that sound like fun?  In fact,  I think you’ll have to agree that nobody puts the FUN in Funeral like AARP, nobody!

Until next time . . . I love you

Junk Mail Envelope Questions

Hello Dear Readers!  Yesterday, when I went to my mailbox, I got a sales letter that had this question on the outside of the envelope:

Baby Boomer Junk Mail Linda Vernon Humor
Junk Mail Envelope Question

And then I got to thinking gee they really shouldn’t stop there.  I bet there’s lots of questions they could ask to get more business.  To that end, I’ve taken the liberty of coming up with a few suggestions as follows:

Junk Mail Humor, Linda Vernon Humor

Junk Mail Humor Linda Vernon Humor

Junk Mail Humor, Linda Vernon Humor

Junk Mail Humor, Linda Vernon Humor

junk mail humor, Linda Vernon Humor

And there you have it Dear Readers!  Effective as all get out Junk Mail Envelope Questions!

Until next time . . . I love you.

Baby Boomer Junk Mail

Hello Dear Readers!  Gosh it’s a beautiful day.  Okay let’s talk about death now.

Here’s something that came in the mail today from the Trident Society:

Trident Society Linda Vernon Humor
The Trident Society wants dibs on your “vessel”

Apparently the Trident Society isn’t really a Society at all.  It’s just a nice way of saying we’re a company that turns a profit cremating dead people.  I don’t think there’s regular meetings or anything.  It’s simply that they are asking for dibs on cremating you after you die, but they want you to pay them for it right now.

Apparently there are lots and lots and lots of wonderful  reasons why you need to  pre-purchase your funeral pyre.  Let’s take a closer look at what they are, shall we?

Trident Society Commentary Linda Vernon Humor

The first reason for being cremated is convenience.

If you pay for your cremation now, perhaps when you die, one of your  family members (whoever gets the shortest straw) can simply go to a Trident Society drive-thru window, pick up your ashes and set you on the book shelf until the next family reunion — where you will be lovingly lugged along and incorporated into the prayer before the potluck lunch is served.  Upside:  It’s convenient as all get out.  Downside:  Alive or dead, you’ll have to attend the next family reunion.

Cremation is much less expensive and has less impact on the environment!

Now how can anybody say no to cheap and easy?  It’s cheap AND it’s better for the environment.  Downside:  You had to pay for it yourself. Upside:  Hey!! Lookee you!  You’re recyclable!

It allows families to provide a dignified resting place to memorialize their loved one. 

What is the Trident Society trying to imply?  Are they trying to  imply that your current plan — to give great, great grandaddy, Trevor, the ol’ heave ho on your next Carnival Cruise — isn’t a dignified enough resting place?  Upside:  Oh yeah!  Downside:  Just watch you!

And finally, Dear Readers, if the above reasons aren’t enough to convince you that you need to pre-purchase your cremation, Trident Society is pulling out all the stops by allowing you to enter for a chance to WIN a FREE CREMATION!

Win a free cremation! Linda Vernon Humor

Sufferin’ Succotash!  Look how happy everybody is in the picture!  Well, there’s nothing like winning a FREE CREMATION to make everyone want to play a rousing game of Ring Around the Rosy!

Until next time . . . I love you

It Came in the Mail: So You’re Going to Die

Dear Readers!  Exultation at the mailbox!

The American Automobile Association otherwise known as Triple A Life Insurance Company was kind enough to send me a Notice that I’m going to die — it’s just a matter of time . . . but until I do can I please send them some money?

Look how official the Notice is!

Junk Mail from Triple A
How can I not send Triple A money when they went to so much trouble to make this Notice — with my very own name on it!

And best of all, there’s no Medical Exam Required! 

All I have to do is answer a few simple questions to see if I qualify.  Well, Dear Reader, I think you will agree that that’s not just wonderful, that’s frigging wonderful!

And More Great News

If an insured member, such as myself, is diagnosed with a terminal illness that will cause death, such as my own, in 12 months or less?  No Worries!  They’re not even going to go back and try to figure out where I lied on medical questionnaire they sent me!  (Ha! Suckers!)

And yet, I — as the person who will be dead in 12 months or less — will still be eligible to receive a lump sum Accelerated Death Benefit amount that my spouse can use any way he wants to — like finally taking that Mexican vacation to forget he was ever married to ol’ Linda whatshername!

Man sunbathing by a swiming pool
“Waiter, hand me my sombrero and get me another margarita please? . . . and not so much salt this time . . huh? I’m in mourning.”

Isn’t that just Frigging Wonderful Dear Reader?  

. . .  uh oh . . . wait a minute . . . . hold the phone . . . I just read further down on the page and it says:

If you receive an Accelerated Death Benefit amount, we will deduct a  processing fee of $75.00

What?!?

So let me get this straight, Triple A.  You’re saying that when my poor spouse is in Mexico crying his eyes out –beside himself with grief — trying to choke down a couple of Chimichangas and a large pitcher of margaritas and sadly salsa dancing with Senoritas, you are going to have the audacity to charge him with a $75.00 processing fee?

Well that just sucks the frigging right out of the wonderful, Triple A.

You can just forget the whole thing!

Until next time . . . I love you (but that doesn’t go for you Triple A)

What Came In The Mail

Dear Readers!  I gallivanted to my mailbox this morning, and discovered I had another suitor! 

It seems Xfinity is now in crazy, passionate occupant love with little ol’ moi! 

Ah!  Be still my beating letter opener!

First off, no matter what I decide about whether I’m going to allow myself to be “wooed” by Xfinity, they want me to know that this plastic card that was attached to the occupant love letter is mine to keep!

When it comes to occupant love, a plastic card is the equivalent of a diamond engagement ring except it’s not as sparkly, it can’t cut glass, and isn’t worth diddly, but still . . . .

Then there’s this:

Don’t worry, you don’t need to read it, it’s way too boring, (sigh) however I did read it and here’s what it more or less says:

  • If you pay Xfinity $30 every month, they’ll put security cameras all over your house so that if you decide to go to Hawaii, you’ll be able to sit on the beach and stare at your house on your smart phone to make sure everything is still not stolen every minute of every day until it’s time to come home.
  • Or it means you’ll be able to actually watch live on your smart phone as a burglar breaks into your house and steals all your stuff!
  • And Xfinity is also offering the handy feature of being able to control the lights in your home remotely so that while you are sitting on the beach in Hawaii you can turn the lights on in your house in order to better see the burglar who is stealing all your stuff.

Jeepers!  That’s a pretty good deal Xfinity is offering little ol’ moi!  Let’s see what other occupant tokens of love Xfinity is throwing at me to win my affections:

Oh Goody!  A touch screen controller . . .So when my grandson touches all the buttons trying to access Elmo, it will accidentally trigger the swat team to be dispatched to my house. Well, okay, that’s pretty cool.

And, with this 3 window/door sensors Xfinity is offering to provide me with much needed help when it comes to sensing which is a door and which is a window.  Well that’s over-the-top thoughtful!  I’m really liking the direction Xfinity is going in with this one!

Oh wow!  Every time we move, an alarm will go off at the police department!  Well, I’m all for that.  Who wouldn’t be?

Woo-hoo!  A keypad!  Xfinity doesn’t say what this if for but I think we all know by now, don’t we?  That’s right.  It’s the Xfinity Wireless Keypad to my heart! Because Xfinity has finally managed to woo me with their tokens of occupant affection.

All that’s left to say to Xfinity is,  “you had me at  “Dear Linda Vernon and/or Occupant:  My beloved OOXXOOXXfinity!”

And that’s what came in the mail today, Dear Readers.

Until next time . . . I still love you but not quite as much as I do you know who