Dear Person Who Will Be Dying Sooner Rather Than Later,
Welp. Looks like you’ll be dying soon. But before you go, you might want to consider giving some money to us, The OMG Life Insurance Company.
Here at the OMG Life Insurance Company, we make it our personal business to pry into your personal business. Why? Because the facts are clear. You ARE GOING TO DIE and when you do WE WANT TO MAKE SOME MONEY OFF IT.
YOUR ACCEPTANCE IS GUARANTEED!
That’s right. Absolutely everyone is accepted. There are absolutely no medical questions to answer and no medical exams suffer through. Why? Because here at OMG Life Insurance Company, we know for a fact that, sooner or later, come hell or high water, you’re going to be deader than a door nail.
Here’s how it works:
If you can fog a mirror, you qualify to send us monthly payments. Yes. It’s as simple as that. You keep your promise to die and we’ll keep our promise to give back some of the money you gave us so that you’re loved ones can use it to figure out what to do with you once you’ve kicked the bucket.
Don’t Wait! The Sooner you Apply, The Sooner You’ll Be Covered and The Sooner You Can Die.
Oh sure you might feel fine right now, but don’t let that stop you from enclosing your very first payment to us in the pre-paid postage envelope provided. After all, if The OMG Life Insurance Company cares enough to spring for the postage the least you could do is send us some money every month until you die.
The United OMG Life Insurance Company would love to take this opportunity to remind you that even though you feel just fine, you’re probably not as safe as you think you are and at any moment, you could die from any the following demises:
The Demise of Sudden Spleen Seizure causing you to double over into a ball and roll out your second story bedroom window.
The Demise of a meteorite crashing through your roof causing you to become so startled you accidentally grab the hemlock creamer instead of the regular creamer for your coffee.
The Demise of Decorative-Bed-Throw-Pillow Suffocation where instead of sending us your premium, you use it to buy that last throw pillow that finally tipped the delicate air/bed pillow ratio needle to “uh oh!“
The Demise of slipping on a banana peel causing you to fall and accidentally activate the homemade bomb you were carrying out to the dumpster
The Demise of avoiding getting run over by a drunken chimpanzee driving a stolen steam roller by diving in front of an oncoming bus
The Demise of Poinsettia consumption wherein you cannot! resist! eating! your! delicious! looking! Poinsettia! one! more! second!
The OMG Life Insurance Campany is imploring you to please fill out the form below and send it in the pre-paid postage envelope along with your first payment. Then oh so carefully walk it out to your mailbox. (We recommend you sit on the couch and wear a helmet until your first payment clears.
If you have any questions log onto our website at pushin’updaisies.com where affordable coverage is just a few clicks away.
P.S.And remember! This is a no risk or obligation offer. If you end up not dying, the OMG Life Insurance Company will give you a full, money back guarantee!
So what have you got to lose? Apply today.