Ten Ways to Tell If You Need a New Cat

You just noticed your current cat’s expiration date expired a year ago.

Why are you looking at me like that cat
“What? Why are you looking at me like that?”

 Your current cat’s breath smells like Funyuns.

cat breath
“Ew! Everybody stand back!”

Frankly, your current cat’s a little too much of a bible thumper for your liking.

cat reading bible
“If you’re going out you better be going to church.”

 Your current cat loads dirty dishes in with the clean dishes and then runs them all through again.

cat loading dishwasher
“Wait a minute . . . I think these are clean . . . oh what the hell.”

Your current cat leaves big strips of tall grass whenever it mows the lawn.

cat mowing lawn
“If this were my yard, I’d replace it with sand lickity split.”

 Your current cat’s a gloater

cat gloater
“Naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!”

 Your current cat thinks Mt. Rushmore is a natural formation.

cat mt. rushmore
“I don’t care what anybody says. This here’s caused by water erosion.”

 No matter how many times you try to explain it, your current cat keeps sewing the elastic waistband into the bottom of the pant leg.

cat sewing
“I’m gonna do it right. I’m gonna do it right. I’m gonna do it right . . .”

You suspect your current cat is the one who maxed out your credit cards on http://www.bevmo.com

cat with beer
“I was thoisty.”

And finally, the best way to tell if you need a new cat:

You installed a nanny cam and, sure enough, it’s your current cat that keeps stealing the last maple bar.

cat with maple bar
Whaaat? 

Sample Chapters from Linda’s Big Book of Cannibalism

Welcome Dear Readers!  I’m thinking about writing Linda’s Big Book of Cannibalism. Here are some of the sample chapters I’ve come up with so far:

Chapter 1)

The day the cannibals ate my left foot without so much as a “howdy”

 

Chapter 2)

The day I would have been eaten by cannibals but luckily they were full

 

Chapter 3)

“You gonna eat the rest of that elbow?”  he asked.

 

Chapter 4)

Hello?!?  Next time ask before you eat the last explorer!

 

Chapter 5)

The day the cannibals ate every other finger on my right hand and still had room for Jello!

 

Chapter 6)

Cannibal Grammar:  I ate all the flesh today.  I ate all the flush yesterday

 

Chapter 7)

Cannibal Confessions:  Just between you and me, David Rockefeller needed salt  . . . 

 

Chapter 8)

Cannibal Weight Loss:  I lost ten pounds on a low-Fred diet!

 

Chapter 9)

A glass of wine, a loaf of bread and you

Well, that’s all I’ve got for now, but stay tuned for more sample chapters from Linda’s Big Book of Cannibalism.

Until next time I love you (especially with ketchup)

Superman’s Other Weaknesses


FasSuperman's Other Weaknessest(er than a speeding bullet) Women

Mister Mxyzptlk’s killer Margaritas

Buzzing  high school girls at soccer practice

Metropolis Historic Home Tours

Jimmy Olsen’s rendition of Honey I Miss You

Crack Cocaine

X-ray-eying Scratchers

Jenga tournaments

Things that purr

1000-count Egyptian cotton leotards

Vintage phone booth hunting

Lois Lane’s Key Lime Pie

 

Until next time . . . I love you

Seven Ways to Tell if You’re Addicted to Christmas Treats

Welcome Dear Readers!  Let’s start with a Christmas morning video  of my  granddaughter, Lily, who is just learning to walk.  Here she is with her new toy:

Okay!  Now onto the important matter of today’s post.  Did you eat too many sweets this Christmas?  Well if you did you may want to review this list:

How to tell if you’ve become addicted to Christmas Treats

That bad elbow has been officially diagnosed as Sugar Cookie tendonitis but you don’t care, you’re never giving up you sport.

Yeah but, Doc, I can't stop eating Christmas cookies n now, the Olympics are coming up.
Yeah but, Doc, I can’t stop eating Christmas cookies now, the Olympics are coming up!

If your house caught on fire you would be torn between either rescuing your spouse or his fudge rum balls.

"Sorry Ma'am.  The only ting we were able to save of your husband were his fudge rum balls." "Yay!  Oh, I mean darn the luck."
“Sorry Ma’am. The only thing we were able to save of your husband was his fudge rum balls.”
“Yahoooo!  No wait . . . I mean darn the luck.”

While you love the puppy you got for Christmas you’re convinced you’d love him even better if he was covered in chocolate and had a chewy nugget center.

Oh!  Him so potentially dewishious!
Oh! Him so potentially dewishious!

You’re faking a limp just so you can justify carrying around that humongous  candy cane.

No!  I'll be okay!  Just get me my humongous candycane!"
“No! I’ll be okay! Just get me my humongous candy cane!”

You’ve started referring to your troubles as your truffles.

"Nobody knows the truffles I've seen . . ."
“Nobody knows the truffles I’ve seen . . .”

You lied and told your children all their gingerbread men had been abducted by aliens so that they could conduct eating experiments even though it was really you conducting the eating experiments.

"I can't believe you ate all your children's Gingerbreadmen."
“You mean to tell me, Earth Lady, you actually ate all your children’s gingerbread men?”
” Please!  Stop! Can’t you see I hate myself enough already?”

And the final way to tell if you’ve become addicted to Christmas treats?

You resorted to eating some old-fashioned Christmas Candy that you found painted to the  bathroom shelf of your grandmother’s house and were so ashamed you checked yourself into Christmas Treat rehab.

Question:  Does Christmas Treat Addiction get any uglier than this? Answer:  No.
Question: Does Christmas Treat Addiction get any uglier than this?
Answer: No.

And there you have it, Dear Readers, how to tell if you’ve become addicted to Christmas Treats.

Until next time . . . I love you

List: Inappropriate Kindergarten Backpack Items

Inappropriate Items to Send in Your Child’s Backpack on the First Day of Kindergarten 

Signed blank checks made out to the teacher

Fifty Shades of Gray coloring crayons

Firecrackers

The kitty that has ringworm

Five Hour Energy Drinks

Any type of blow torch

Daddy’s arrest warrant

The I Ching

Opened bottles of ink

Mommy’s list of euphemisms for the f-word

Birds of any variety (dead or alive)

Molten Lava

Mommy’s note explaining why she ran off with the Gardner

Any type of antifreeze

Foods that are exactly the same size as a five-year-old’s esophagus

Daddy’s empty Jack Daniels Bottles

Until next time . . . I love you

Signs You Might be Overanticipating Summer

Of course, we’re all looking forward to the beginning of summer, but here’s some signs you might be over-anticipating the summer fun.

You’ve replaced all your belts with inner tubes.

Summer Linda Vernon Humor
“Really, Barbara, must you wear that silly inner tube?”
“If I want to keep my pants up, I do, Betty!”

You refuse to eat anything that doesn’t come on a stick.

Overanticipating summer linda vernon humor
“Hi, yes I”ll have a corn dog.”
“Sorry, we don’t have corn dogs.”
“Then give me some cotton candy.”
“Sorry, no cotton candy.”
“Popcicle?”
“Nope.”
“Shish Kabob?”
“No.”
“Would you by any chance have a carmeled apple or chocolate banana on a stick?
“Just order a Happy Meal, Bub.”

You’ve asked  Al Gore for a little extra “fun in the sun”  global warming.

Al Gore Humor Linda Vernon humor
What’s that? You want a little more global warming? Oh yeah? Come up here a minute, I’ll give you a little extra global warming!”

You’ve got a bee up your bonnet and you’ve never been happier!

Bees Oprah, linda vernon humor
“Yes bees!  Summer’s here! Somebody get me my bonnet!”

Two Words:  Thong City

What? No not those kind of thongs!
What? Wait . . . not those kind of thongs!

You’ve gone a little crazy because you can’t find your pail and shovel.

Al Gore humor, Linda vernon humor
Wait a minute fellas! Dear God! Is that my pail and shovel over there?

You refuse to relax on anything that doesn’t inflate.

Aren't you even going to get out to eat dinner?   "That depends . . .Did you get the the inflatable dining set blown up yet?
“Come on Marge!  You’ve been out there 17 hours. Don’t you want to come in for dinner?”
“That depends . . .did you get the inflatable dining set blown up yet?”

You’re getting a reputation as someone who has a lot of beach balls!

summer fun linda vernon humor
“Wow! Those are impressive balls!”
“Thank you!’

And there you have it Dear Readers!  Now get out there and have a great weekend.

Until next time . . . I love you

What to Read While Hanging by the Neck Until Dead

Dear Readers!  I’ve been away from my blog for four whole days!  My kids visited, and we all  whooped it up Vernon Style in a combination, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Spring Birthday, Memorial Day celebration!   Gosh we had a good time!  We figure it will hold us over until June when we’ll all get together again to celebrate National Accordion Month!  (Can! Not! Wait!)

But Dear Readers, as you know,  life isn’t all fun and games.  No siree!  Sometimes life is a serious business and as such, you have to get the most out of every single minute — which brings us to today’s topic:

Literature and The Death Penalty:

or

Bestsellers Revised-for-People-Who-Are-Hanging-By-Their-Necks-Until-Dead Market

What Color Is Your Parachute You Wish You Had Right Now?

"A must read for anybody hanging by their necks until dead -- The Executioner's Quarterly
“Ha ha! A must read for anybody hanging by their necks until dead” — The Executioner’s Quarterly

Clear and Present Danger,  Tell Me Something I Don’t Know Edition

Clear and Present Danger the Obvious Edition
“A real no duh, engrossingly obvious read!’ — Hangin’ Judge

Amy Vanderbilt’s Complete Book of Swinging Back and Fourth  Etiquette

Amy Vanderbelt
“A complete guide to avoiding that final faux pas!” — Washington State Penitentiary’s Gallows Supervisor

The Pit and Hey Lookee Me I’m the Pendulum

"Great Last Minute Zen Tips" --Zen Masters Magazine
“Great last-minute death-penalty zen tips” — Zen Masters Weekly

The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People Who Can’t Breath

7 Habits of Highly effective people who can't breath
“I heartily recommend this to anyone who is undergoing personal changes from, say, alive to dead.” — Pope Benedict XVI

Literally Lord of the Flies

Literal Lord of the Flies
“The most effective step-by-step fly management program to date.” –The Association of American Fly Farmers

The Agony and the Ecstasy Only Ixnay on the Ecstasyay

Billy the Kid
“The Agony and the Ecstasy abridged version that ‘Death Penaltees’ won’t be able to put down until it drops out of their hands on its own accord.!” Billy the Kid’s Ghost

Ο Things to Do Before You Die, The Heavily Discounted Edition

100  things to do before you die
“Literally thousands of great suggestions not included! And at a price you’ll love” — Necktie Party Publishers Weekly

And there you have it, Dear Readers!  Now, I must admit, this  post was a little weird even for me.  I’m blaming it on  too much cake while whooping it up with the family.  I’m really going to have to watch it at next months National Accordion Celebration!

Until next time . . . I love you