8 Ways to Tell if You’re Too Into Coffee

Welcome Dear Readers!  Do you ever suspect that not only do you love drinking your coffee, but that maybe you are a little too into coffee itself? 

Eight Ways to Tell If You’re Too into Coffee


You’ve replaced all your buttons with coffee beans

Coffee Bean Buttons
“What? No they aren’t Milk Dud buttons, they’re coffee bean buttons! What are you? Blind?”

You just can’t understand why Juan Valdez never makes People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive

 Juan Valdez


All your furniture is coffee bean bag

girls in coffee bean bag chair


You’ve been much happier since it dawned on you that any empty space can be theoretically filled with coffee

Grand Canyon Filled with coffee


You absolutely refuse to become an astronaut until there’s a Starbucks on the Space Station

Tang in space


Frankly, if you got to drink coffee while being probed, you really wouldn’t mind being abducted by aliens all that much

“Okey Doke. One large coffee comin’ up. Cream?”

If God would have made the oceans coffee instead of salt water, you would have never dropped out of Sailor College




Sure, you might be a little jittery from drinking too much coffee, but, hey, at least you’ve never felt an earthquake

earthquake Juan Valdez


And there you have it, Dear Readers, now go enjoy your coffee (but not too much).

Until next time  . . . I love you

Ten Ways to Tell If You Need a New Cat

You just noticed your current cat’s expiration date expired a year ago.

Why are you looking at me like that cat
“What? Why are you looking at me like that?”

 Your current cat’s breath smells like Funyuns.

cat breath
“Ew! Everybody stand back!”

Frankly, your current cat’s a little too much of a bible thumper for your liking.

cat reading bible
“If you’re going out you better be going to church.”

 Your current cat loads dirty dishes in with the clean dishes and then runs them all through again.

cat loading dishwasher
“Wait a minute . . . I think these are clean . . . oh what the hell.”

Your current cat leaves big strips of tall grass whenever it mows the lawn.

cat mowing lawn
“If this were my yard, I’d replace it with sand lickity split.”

 Your current cat’s a gloater

cat gloater

 Your current cat thinks Mt. Rushmore is a natural formation.

cat mt. rushmore
“I don’t care what anybody says. This here’s caused by water erosion.”

 No matter how many times you try to explain it, your current cat keeps sewing the elastic waistband into the bottom of the pant leg.

cat sewing
“I’m gonna do it right. I’m gonna do it right. I’m gonna do it right . . .”

You suspect your current cat is the one who maxed out your credit cards on http://www.bevmo.com

cat with beer
“I was thoisty.”

And finally, the best way to tell if you need a new cat:

You installed a nanny cam and, sure enough, it’s your current cat that keeps stealing the last maple bar.

cat with maple bar

Sample Chapters from Linda’s Big Book of Cannibalism

Welcome Dear Readers!  I’m thinking about writing Linda’s Big Book of Cannibalism. Here are some of the sample chapters I’ve come up with so far:

Chapter 1)

The day the cannibals ate my left foot without so much as a “howdy”


Chapter 2)

The day I would have been eaten by cannibals but luckily they were full


Chapter 3)

“You gonna eat the rest of that elbow?”  he asked.


Chapter 4)

Hello?!?  Next time ask before you eat the last explorer!


Chapter 5)

The day the cannibals ate every other finger on my right hand and still had room for Jello!


Chapter 6)

Cannibal Grammar:  I ate all the flesh today.  I ate all the flush yesterday


Chapter 7)

Cannibal Confessions:  Just between you and me, David Rockefeller needed salt  . . . 


Chapter 8)

Cannibal Weight Loss:  I lost ten pounds on a low-Fred diet!


Chapter 9)

A glass of wine, a loaf of bread and you

Well, that’s all I’ve got for now, but stay tuned for more sample chapters from Linda’s Big Book of Cannibalism.

Until next time I love you (especially with ketchup)

Superman’s Other Weaknesses

FasSuperman's Other Weaknessest(er than a speeding bullet) Women

Mister Mxyzptlk’s killer Margaritas

Buzzing  high school girls at soccer practice

Metropolis Historic Home Tours

Jimmy Olsen’s rendition of Honey I Miss You

Crack Cocaine

X-ray-eying Scratchers

Jenga tournaments

Things that purr

1000-count Egyptian cotton leotards

Vintage phone booth hunting

Lois Lane’s Key Lime Pie


Until next time . . . I love you

Seven Ways to Tell if You’re Addicted to Christmas Treats

Welcome Dear Readers!  Let’s start with a Christmas morning video  of my  granddaughter, Lily, who is just learning to walk.  Here she is with her new toy:

Okay!  Now onto the important matter of today’s post.  Did you eat too many sweets this Christmas?  Well if you did you may want to review this list:

How to tell if you’ve become addicted to Christmas Treats

That bad elbow has been officially diagnosed as Sugar Cookie tendonitis but you don’t care, you’re never giving up you sport.

Yeah but, Doc, I can't stop eating Christmas cookies n now, the Olympics are coming up.
Yeah but, Doc, I can’t stop eating Christmas cookies now, the Olympics are coming up!

If your house caught on fire you would be torn between either rescuing your spouse or his fudge rum balls.

"Sorry Ma'am.  The only ting we were able to save of your husband were his fudge rum balls." "Yay!  Oh, I mean darn the luck."
“Sorry Ma’am. The only thing we were able to save of your husband was his fudge rum balls.”
“Yahoooo!  No wait . . . I mean darn the luck.”

While you love the puppy you got for Christmas you’re convinced you’d love him even better if he was covered in chocolate and had a chewy nugget center.

Oh!  Him so potentially dewishious!
Oh! Him so potentially dewishious!

You’re faking a limp just so you can justify carrying around that humongous  candy cane.

No!  I'll be okay!  Just get me my humongous candycane!"
“No! I’ll be okay! Just get me my humongous candy cane!”

You’ve started referring to your troubles as your truffles.

"Nobody knows the truffles I've seen . . ."
“Nobody knows the truffles I’ve seen . . .”

You lied and told your children all their gingerbread men had been abducted by aliens so that they could conduct eating experiments even though it was really you conducting the eating experiments.

"I can't believe you ate all your children's Gingerbreadmen."
“You mean to tell me, Earth Lady, you actually ate all your children’s gingerbread men?”
” Please!  Stop! Can’t you see I hate myself enough already?”

And the final way to tell if you’ve become addicted to Christmas treats?

You resorted to eating some old-fashioned Christmas Candy that you found painted to the  bathroom shelf of your grandmother’s house and were so ashamed you checked yourself into Christmas Treat rehab.

Question:  Does Christmas Treat Addiction get any uglier than this? Answer:  No.
Question: Does Christmas Treat Addiction get any uglier than this?
Answer: No.

And there you have it, Dear Readers, how to tell if you’ve become addicted to Christmas Treats.

Until next time . . . I love you

List: Inappropriate Kindergarten Backpack Items

Inappropriate Items to Send in Your Child’s Backpack on the First Day of Kindergarten 

Signed blank checks made out to the teacher

Fifty Shades of Gray coloring crayons


The kitty that has ringworm

Five Hour Energy Drinks

Any type of blow torch

Daddy’s arrest warrant

The I Ching

Opened bottles of ink

Mommy’s list of euphemisms for the f-word

Birds of any variety (dead or alive)

Molten Lava

Mommy’s note explaining why she ran off with the Gardner

Any type of antifreeze

Foods that are exactly the same size as a five-year-old’s esophagus

Daddy’s empty Jack Daniels Bottles

Until next time . . . I love you

Signs You Might be Overanticipating Summer

Of course, we’re all looking forward to the beginning of summer, but here’s some signs you might be over-anticipating the summer fun.

You’ve replaced all your belts with inner tubes.

Summer Linda Vernon Humor
“Really, Barbara, must you wear that silly inner tube?”
“If I want to keep my pants up, I do, Betty!”

You refuse to eat anything that doesn’t come on a stick.

Overanticipating summer linda vernon humor
“Hi, yes I”ll have a corn dog.”
“Sorry, we don’t have corn dogs.”
“Then give me some cotton candy.”
“Sorry, no cotton candy.”
“Shish Kabob?”
“Would you by any chance have a carmeled apple or chocolate banana on a stick?
“Just order a Happy Meal, Bub.”

You’ve asked  Al Gore for a little extra “fun in the sun”  global warming.

Al Gore Humor Linda Vernon humor
What’s that? You want a little more global warming? Oh yeah? Come up here a minute, I’ll give you a little extra global warming!”

You’ve got a bee up your bonnet and you’ve never been happier!

Bees Oprah, linda vernon humor
“Yes bees!  Summer’s here! Somebody get me my bonnet!”

Two Words:  Thong City

What? No not those kind of thongs!
What? Wait . . . not those kind of thongs!

You’ve gone a little crazy because you can’t find your pail and shovel.

Al Gore humor, Linda vernon humor
Wait a minute fellas! Dear God! Is that my pail and shovel over there?

You refuse to relax on anything that doesn’t inflate.

Aren't you even going to get out to eat dinner?   "That depends . . .Did you get the the inflatable dining set blown up yet?
“Come on Marge!  You’ve been out there 17 hours. Don’t you want to come in for dinner?”
“That depends . . .did you get the inflatable dining set blown up yet?”

You’re getting a reputation as someone who has a lot of beach balls!

summer fun linda vernon humor
“Wow! Those are impressive balls!”
“Thank you!’

And there you have it Dear Readers!  Now get out there and have a great weekend.

Until next time . . . I love you