Thank You Pottery Barn for Life Itself!

Are you living your life like wind-tossed lint?  Bouncing hither and yon at nature’s whim –never knowing the difference between up nor down nor side nor ways?

Well, Pottery Barn has a solution for that, Dear Reader, and it’s called:

The Pottery Barn Daily System

That’s right!  Pottery Barn and their “Daily System” has finally found a way to make keeping track of your family’s events a full time job!

Now, the first thing you do — using PB’s Daily System — is polish off a bottle of beer and a bottle of wine and then rinse them out and place them on their designated spots on the shelf (as pictured). Once that task has been completed,  you’re  going to be  in the mood to write something rather odd and crazy on the blackboard just like Pottery Barn did.

You could either copy PB and write “Summer Night Alive and Bright” or come up with your own drunken phrase.

And since the blackboard is at the tippy top of the Daily System, you will need to climb up on the desk (which Pottery Barn designed just for this purpose) and carefully . . . watch it now! . . . write on the blackboard.

  Of course, while you are up there, you might as well grab a couple of pens and pencils . . .  oh and don’t forget the scissors, grab those too, while you’re at it. (You never know!)

But do be careful don’t– whoops!  Did you fall down?  PB anticipated that might happen.  Hopefully the desk broke your fall and you can still read the family activities that have been written on the white board — because you might have to make some changes to those activities.

For instance, you’re probably going to have to skip the 4th of July celebration altogether, who knows if you will have regained feeling in your arms and legs by then — of course, Dad could ice your back for you if wasn’t traveling all week.  (Isn’t that always the way!)

And you’re probably going to have to  find a way to break it to Curtis that you can’t drive him to sailing lessons due to your being paralyzed and all. (But watch out! Curtis isn’t going to like it!)

And the Palmer dinner thing . . . well, if all that involved was Palmer eating a bowl of Mac and Cheese while conversing with you about Curtis’s sailing abilities while you lay paralyzed on the desk –then there’s  no need to cancel that one! YAY!

Ah! That Pottery Barn!  Always working around the clock to make your pathetic life better! You gotta love ’em!

Until next time . . . I love you

A Bad Case of Pottery Barn Catalog-ism

OK, I admit it, Dear Readers.  I suffer from Pottery Catalog-ism!  This terrible disorder can strike anyone at anytime.  It is characterized by an intense over-interest in the Pottery Barn Catalog for which there is no known cure.

Please rest assured that I do not hold Pottery Barn in any way responsible for my condition.  But until a cure is found, the pages of the Pottery Barn Catalog shall be an endless source of interest to me.  With this in mind, let’s discuss:

Loose fit slip covers!  They’re imported!!

Pottery Barn is offering this “drop cloth loose-fit couch cover” for only $79.00. Nevermind that it took a whole heap of tucking, tugging and twisting as well as wringing, wrestling and wrenching plus a good amount of yanking and yelling (and sometimes even yodeling!) by the entire staff of Pottery Barn professionals made up of 25 designers, 17 craftsmen, 4 jugglers, and a wino who happened to be walking by — to get this thing to look like it’s worth 79 bucks.

Of course, it will look like this the first time somebody sits down on it:

“But I didn’t even lean back!”

But it doesn’t matter, drop-cloth couch slip covers are still cool!  Because why? Why because they’re imported, that’s why!  Which automatically makes them better.

PB doesn’t specify where they have imported them from, but this rustic little cottage in the Ukraine countryside looks  a tad familiar:

“The importers are here! Somebody get the Tide Stick! Hurry!”

 Now, let’s take a closer look at the coffee table shall we?

Pottery Barn is elevating the art of unexpected decor in this Nod-to-Dentistry vignette with its smart smattering of decorative dental instrumentation tastefully arranged in the dish and the re-purposed pickle jar.

And is that a roll of gauze or perhaps a drinking vessel reminiscent of a roll of gauze?  This can only mean one of two things: 1) PB customers are spending way too much money on imported, drop-cloth couch covers and re-purposed pickle jars — forcing them to perform their own root canals — or it’s simply Pottery Barn’s salute to gum disease.

Well shut our mouths, Dear Readers! Leave it to Pottery Barn to put the Causal Living in Rinsing and Spitting.

Until next time . . . I love you

Pottery Barn’s Intriguing Story About You!

Dear Readers!  The new Pottery Barn Catalog just arrived and not a moment too soon!  For you see, in this issue of The Catalog, Pottery Barn finally provides solutions to how we, as boring, ordinary citizens, can become more intriguing!

“Your Home Tells the Intriguing Story of who you are, where you’ve been and what inspires you most.” — Pottery Barn Catalog August 2012

What Pottery Barn means by this is that your home WILL tell an intriguing story of how intriguing you are IF you purchase fake-intriguing-story-about-you decor from Pottery Barn.

Frankly, PB suspects you’re not all that intriguing which is why Pottery Barn has taken the liberty of punching up your life through the use of decor that implies you are all that and a bag of potato chips. Let’s look as some examples, shall we?

The intriguing story this Pottery Barn wall decor says about you is:

  You don’t quite understand about the alphabet. 

Oh sure we all learned our ABC’s . . . except for you.  Why?  Because you were too busy helping Grams hunt for truffles at Martha’s Vineyard and, therefore, never attended school with all the other “saps” which means you can’t read or write. So now you obsessively nail gigantic wooden letters to your walls.  So what? That’s not weird, it’s intriguing!

The intriguing story this Pottery Barn vignette says about you is:

You’re favorite snack is honey and shredded Parmesan cheese.

Ah! Nothing quenches the thirst and eases the hunger pangs quite like a refreshing jar of honey and a big ol’ heaping bowl of shredded Parmesan cheese after a long day of helping Grams frantically dig for truffles at Martha’s Vineyard in the backyard estates of the rich and famous before they come home.

You and Grams prefer a snack that sticks to your ribs, your fingers as well as your Pottery Barn Vintage Printer’s Customizable Cabinet!  Oh sure, let people roll their eyes at how messy you are!  That’s the difference between them and you.  They’re stupid, and YOU’RE INTRIGUING!

The  intriguing story this Pottery Barn Blackboard says about you is:

Your grandmother is a drug dealer.

If you look closely at this blackboard, you will see that somebody has written “EMPTY Da Da Da Da.”  and  “Do EMPTY 4″ 

And you know you didn’t write it because you are too intriguing to know how to read and write.  Could it have been Grams?

Wait a minute why are the police leading Grams out to that police car?

What? All those truffles Grams was digging up (and sampling) turned out to be hallucinogenic mushrooms which she apparently was selling to earn money to purchase intriguing-story-about-you decor from Pottery Barn?

Ha ha!  That Grams!  While most grandmothers are sitting at home in their rocker knitting sweaters, reading  Reader’s Digest and clipping coupons, YOUR Grams is trading cigarettes, working out and filing appeals!

And if that doesn’t make YOU intriguing, Pottery Barn doesn’t know what does!

Until next time . . . I love you

Pottery Barn Calls Off the Search for Grams

Dear Readers,

When last we visited our Pottery Barn catalog, they were having an emergency.  Sadly, Pottery Barn’s beloved family matriarch “Grams” had gone missing.

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This is Grams — The Pottery Barn Family’s Beloved Matriarch

Putting 2 and 2 together, Pottery Barn has ascertained that Grams was last seen truffle hunting on Labor Day in the Sustainable Pottery Barn Forests (that Pottery Barn and Pottery Barn only has dibs on)Grams was last seen
Putting 2 and 2 together, Pottery Barn had ascertained after studying this white board ($54) that Grams was last seen truffle hunting on Labor Day in the Sustainable Pottery Barn Forests.

Pottery Barn’s Official Announcement

After looking everywhere including underneath the Valencia II Mahogany Sleigh Bed $599 ($150 savings!), Pottery Barn has completely given up their search for their beloved Grams and are no longer offering the $15.00 reward for her return  –dead or whatever — so they can turn the full force of their attention back onto the more important matter of selling overpriced Christmas decor.

Pottery Barn is quick to point out, however,  it’s not that they don’t dearly love Grams, it’s just that they don’t dearly love Grams all that much. (PB asks that you do not judge them.)

Okay that’s enough about Grams.  Let’s see what Christmas Pottery Barn Catalog has to offer this year:

The Pottery Barn Sustainable Forest Christmas Tree. (Hardly any elves were killed in the cutting of this Christmas Tree.)
The Glorious Pottery Barn Sustainable Forest Christmas Tree. hallelujah!!  Wait . . . who’s that looking in the window?  Uh . . . well PB says pay no attention to that old lady looking in the window.  She’s probably just some Homeless Pottery Barn Lifestyle Wannabe.

From its beaded snowflake tree-topper ($55), to its spectacularly quilted tree skirt ($55), Pottery Barn has chopped down this gorgeous Pine tree from The Pottery Barn Sustainable Forests in the prime of its life especially for the PB Catalog so that potential PB customers may feast their eyes upon it for approximately two and a half to three seconds.  Pottery Barn was careful to ensure that only 1 (one) wood nymph was accidentally killed in the process ($55 $6).

But Pottery Barn doesn’t want you to think about that now, Pottery Barn wants you to look at this:

Grams looking in window
A table setting fit for a King! From the exquisite pressed metal reindeer ($59 free shipping) to the candle votives pre-filled with wax and wick  ($24), to the lovely pine cone . . . wait a minute . . . there she is again! The homeless old lady . . . not to worry . . . Pottery Barn has called the authorities. Something will be done! PB asks that you avert your eyes away from the unpleasantness of the random old lady whom PB has never seen before in its life, btw, and concentrate instead, on the craftsmanship of the Lit Mercury Globes ($24.50).

And now Pottery Barn is proud to present for the first time anywhere  . . . drum roll please  . . . 

Grams decor (2)
The Grams Commemorative Christmas Ornament Collector’s Edition

Nickel is the keyword here! Handcrafted out of nickle by the semi-skilled hands of nickle-over-minimum-wage PB Master Hand Crafters,  The Commemorative Grams Ornament promises to bring Christmas drama to any tree, be it from the Pottery Barn Sustainable Forest or be it from some other lesser quality forest.  At any rate,  Pottery Barn thinks you’ll agree The Commemorative Grams Ornament meets every expectation.  ($5,199 ea. or 6 for $7,599).

And finally, Pottery Barn is offering this Tivoli Coffee Table (delivery discount) with its fine mahogany finish:

The Tivoli Coffee Table in which country living is echo in this table with it's turned spindle legs and hand----wait a minute -- the old lady's back . . . oh great!!  I thought somebody was going to call the police?  What they did already?  Well then unleash the Pottery Barn Attached Dogs, this is getting ridiculous.
The Tivoli Coffee Table echoes simple yet elegant country living and handcra—-wait a minute — uh oh . . . the old lady’s back . . . oh great!! Okay that does it!

Dear Readers, you will have to excuse Pottery Barn for skipping out on the end of this post as Pottery Barn has been called away on an emergency involving a little old lady — who PB has never seen before in its life — who may or may not be dangerous.

In any case, they are currently releasing the Pottery Barn Attack Dogs from their silver-plated,  attacked-dog cages from the Raleigh Kennel Collection ($1,999) and regret having to leave so abruptly.

Until next time . . . Pottery Barn wants you to know that it loves you (as far as you know).

A Pottery Barn Emergency: Grams is Missing!

Dear Readers,

There is troubling news afoot!   Pottery Barn has issued an official all points bulletin to alert the public that Pottery Barn’s beloved Grams is missing!

Pottery Barn’s Daily System Tool White Board Calendar 24 x 19″ h. $54.00

According to the above pictured white board Grams left on Labor Day to go truffle hunting in the Pottery Barn Sustainable Forest (that Pottery Barn and Pottery Barn only has dibs on!) and hasn’t been seen since!  And frankly, Dear Readers,  Pottery Barn is starting to get worried!

Have You Seen This Person?

Pottery Barn Grams
Missing since Labor Day
Last seen Hunting Truffles in Pottery Barn Sustainable Forest
Wanted Dead or Alive (first choice would be alive)
$15.00 REWARD!!!!!

Naturally Pottery Barn is beside itself with concern and has placed a call to their enclave of Master Crafters headquartered in a barn made of pottery deep in the secret sustainable forests utilizing this Pottery Barn Grand Retro-Styled Phone: featuring flash, push buttons and redial, $59 — but, unfortunately, PB just keeps getting the answering machine (also retro-styled $79 – metal finish).

“Dear God Master Crafters please please pick up!”

Pottery Barn Investigators were able to trace Gram’s trail (by following the crushed walnut shells and orange peels – Grams’ favorite snack) to this outdoor sitting area featuring Pottery Barn’s FSLIC-certified solid eucalyptus  Chesapeake Collection Sectional $2,748 (free shipping).

The Pottery Barn lab test results revealed Gram’s tooth mark was indeed present in one of the Imported Chocolate AmarettoTruffels that Grams liked to pig out on always loved so much!

After that, the Pottery Barn Bloodhounds were then able to sniff out a trail leading to this beautiful Kensington Tilt Mirror framed in rust resistant solid brass.  Trackers are pretty certain that Grams jumped out of the window reflected therein.

It is believed that Gram’s barely had time to appreciate the Satin Nickel finish on this Kensington Tilt Mirror $179 and only available online –before hastily exiting the vignette.

Pottery is as bitterly disappointed as you and I, Dear Readers, that they, as yet, have not been able to locate Grams.  But they have vowed to keep looking until they either find their beloved Grams or get tired of looking!  Until then, Pottery Barn will be holding a candlelight vigil/candle sale at a Pottery Barn stores nationwide.

Pottery Barn’s signature pillar candle is hand-poured of pure unscented paraffin with a 100% cotton wick so that the tunnel burns straight down so that the sides hold up and the candle burns from within until Grams is found. 4″ diam., 4.5″ h. $24 $23 (Saturday only)

Until next time . . . if you see Grams remember there’s $15 in it for you!

Pottery Barn: What’s Wrong with Grams?

Hello Dear Readers!  Today it is time to put laughter and happiness aside, at least momentarily, to conduct a little Pottery Barn Family counseling.  For you see, something is terribly wrong with one of Pottery Barn’s most beloved family members . . . .Grams.

As you can see from this snippet of the Pottery Barn’s Daily System White Board Calendar ($54) of which Gram’s plays an integral part, Grams is usually a very busy gal what with all the Labor Day Truffle hunting and the hours spent picking out cat colors for the bedroom.

But frankly Grams has been acting peculiar lately.  In fact, sometimes Grams’ lucidity is a bit sketchy.

Let’s just come right out and say it,  there’s an elephant in the tastefully designed Pottery Barn Family living room featuring Benchwright Collection (skillfully handcrafted by Canadian people $5,180), and her name is Grams.

For instance, yesterday Grams was supposed to be laying out a stylish brunch for the Pottery Barn Family on the Artisan-made Cambria Cortona buffet (handcrafted by Portuguese Mermen $4,480.99) and, well, things got a little crazy.  A little inexplicable.  A little no longer in touch with reality-ish, if you will.

Let’s take a look at the buffet supper that Grams put together.

As you can see, the first thing Grams did was inexplicably saw off the bed posts from the Pottery Barn Family’s beautifully crafted Claudia Bed Collection (an Edwardian style update — updated by Ed himself $1849), just so she could put it on the buffet table. You can also see that Grams took it upon herself to randomly nail cereal bowls to the wall.

 Uh oh . . . this can only mean one thing. Grams finally discovered where her Pottery Barn Family hid the hammer and the saw from her after the “incident” last spring. . .and where did they hide it?  Why in  the beautifully crafted Andover Drawer Cabinet  (weathered by the tears of  Carolina pine forest wood nymphs $2,249).

“I’ll find me that there hammer and saw if  it’s the last thing I do!” Oh wait . . . here they is in the very first drawer HA!.”  — Grams

Now let’s take a look at the really troubling sign that Grams is completely out of her gourd  by examining  the so-called “brunch” Grams put together.

It seems as plain as the nose on Grams’ face, that Grams is having a little trouble with her ability to carry out even the simplest of tasks like preparing a lavishly stylish brunch that would be pleasing to the collective eyes, ears, nose and throat of her Pottery Barn Family.

First, Grams polished off three large tumblers of wine (in three different glasses).  And then Grams laid out a brunch for her Pottery Barn Family consisting of one giant bowl of potatoes and grapes, one hammer-smashed walnut and half an orange peel.

As you will no doubt agree, the Pottery Barn Family had no choice but to schedule a lobotomy for their beloved Grams — not only for her own good; but for the collective good of the Pottery Barn Family’s home –a home, after all,  that is a vivid reflection of their passions, their dreams and their elegant decorating style.  Sans one crazy old lady, that is!

Until next time . . . I love you and so does Pottery Barn (oh who are we kidding, no they don’t!)

The Pottery Barn Decor That Will Make You More Intriguing

Dear Readers!  The new Pottery Barn Catalog just arrived and not a moment too soon!  For you see, in this issue of The Catalog, Pottery Barn finally provides solutions to how we, as boring, ordinary citizens, can become more intriguing!

“Your Home Tells the Intriguing Story of who you are, where you’ve been and what inspires you most.” — Pottery Barn Catalog August 2012

What Pottery Barn means by this is that your home WILL tell an intriguing story of how intriguing you are IF you purchase fake-intriguing-story-about-you decor from Pottery Barn.

Frankly, PB suspects you’re not all that intriguing which is why Pottery Barn has taken the liberty of punching up your life through the use of decor that implies you are all that and a bag of potato chips. Let’s look as some examples, shall we?

What fake, intriguing story do the decorative elements in this Pottery Barn room say about you?

The intriguing story this Pottery Barn wall decor says about you is:

  You don’t quite understand about the alphabet. 

Oh sure we all learned our ABC’s . . . except for you.  Why?  Because you were too busy helping Grams hunt for truffles at Martha’s Vineyard and, therefore, never attended school with all the other “saps” which means you can’t read or write. So now you obsessively nail gigantic wooden letters to your walls.  So what? That’s not weird, it’s intriguing!

The intriguing story this Pottery Barn vignette says about you is:

You’re favorite snack is honey and shredded Parmesan cheese.

Ah! Nothing quenches the thirst and eases the hunger pangs quite like a refreshing jar of honey and a big ol’ heaping bowl of shredded Parmesan cheese after a long day of helping Grams frantically dig for truffles at Martha’s Vineyard in the backyard estates of the rich and famous before they come home.

You and Grams prefer a snack that sticks to your ribs, your fingers as well as your Pottery Barn Vintage Printer’s Customizable Cabinet!  Oh sure, let people roll their eyes at how messy you are!  That’s the difference between them and you.  They’re stupid, and YOU’RE INTRIGUING!

The  intriguing story this Pottery Barn Blackboard says about you is:

Your grandmother is a drug dealer.

If you look closely at this blackboard, you will see that somebody has written “EMPTY Da Da Da Da.”  and  “Do EMPTY 4″ 

And you know you didn’t write it because you are too intriguing to know how to read and write.  Could it have been Grams?

Wait a minute why are the police leading Grams out to that police car?

What? All those truffles Grams was digging up (and sampling) turned out to be hallucinogenic mushrooms which she apparently was selling to earn money to purchase intriguing-story-about-you decor from Pottery Barn?

Ha ha!  That Grams!  While most grandmothers are sitting at home in their rocker knitting sweaters, reading  Reader’s Digest and clipping coupons, YOUR Grams is trading cigarettes, working out and filing appeals!

And if that doesn’t make YOU intriguing, Pottery Barn doesn’t know what does!

Until next time . . . I love you